Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

I can definitely toast to that hope.

 

DAY 202:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels

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Last night he called me a few times from work, I told him that he didn't have to, I wasn't really in a talking mood. The more I kept replaying how he told me, what he told me, the fact that it was only coming out now 6.5 months later... then picturing the events of that day back in 2015, imagining him on that table, laying there naked, waiting for it...and like, did he hand her extra cash as he laid on his back with his dick standing upright, winking and nodding at her, so she'd get the hit or what? did he expect her to guess and maybe he thought it would be even more than a handjob too, I wonder how much money he spent on that "massage" and how much he spent on the "tip" ... how much money that we needed for formula or diapers was a handjob worth? I felt as though there wasn't much left to say. He didn't seem to grasp the gravity of the bomb he just threw at me, sorry, I mean the joke he just told me, that punchline was killer. Not only did he blurt it out, but he tried to make lite of it, turn it into a joke? you know admitting to going and trying to get a massage with a happy ending, which in my book is akin to solicitation of prostitution, you know paying for another person to perform a sex service, is obviously extremely funny, because that idiot masseuse took his money but didn't get that it was for handjob and left him hanging, hahaha, get the joke? no? yea, me neither. Ugh, still boiling.

He came home late last night, I was already sleeping or drifting into sleep off my ZzzQuil, I don't remember much, just him walking into the room and me telling him to lock the door. He told me some stuff in the morning but I thought I had dreamt it up, I was so in and out, I guess I was zoned out. He said I hugged him when he got in bed and he was surprised by it, he thinks it was a reflex as I slept. Then I got up to go to the restroom, came back and hugged him again, he asked me "why do you still love me" and he said that I answered "I don't know, I just do" like I said it's all a haze to me. Then in the morning, we went for our walk. He told me he felt really bad the night before, that he even tried to call a hotline they have at work, to talk to someone but no one was available. I told him he should have woken me up and talked if he needed to, but he said he didn't want to wake me. He told me that when he first mentioned the "incident", he didn't realize it was a big deal because in his head "nothing ended up happening" so he figured it was nothing, it wasn't until he spoke to me and then read my journal that it finally hit him, what the issue(s) was. I explained it to him again, like dude we've been in this recovery and healing process for over 6 months, we just finished watching an hour on video on this very subject together, then we spent three days discussing the JK video and how he had a valid point, but his delivery was horrible and that's why it hurt SO's. So, even if he is telling the truth and he only remembered this incident now, although I gave him ample time and asked him to really THINK if there was anything else, back in March, anyhow, the way he just spits it out and then ended it on a joke was just awful, hurtful and confusing. We had been building up this foundation for months, so he could have easily sat me down and said "baby, I know you asked me back in March if there was anything else and I really thought there wasn't, but I just remembered something as we were talking about this other stuff, and I need to tell you because I promised to be honest and but you're not going to like it and for some reason I blocked it out before ...etc." or something like that. It's not how it went down at all, lucky for him I was already pissed off at my client, so my brain wasn't computing as he was telling me at first. Then when I had some time to actually think about what he told me, process the information (replay his words and reimagine the actions *gag) I was like HOLY HELL, WTF did he just tell me, 6.5 months later and to top it off, turn it into a joke/pun?????????????? Then, as I continued talking, the more frustrated I got, I guess I started venting my anger and said "you know, I wish I would have known what you were up to all those years - because you know how many opportunities I had? how many times, like a loyal dummy I pointed to my ring and said: "heh, sorry I'm married!" when I could have been out there doing the same shit that he was, without paying for it. So, I guess he got pissed off at me right back, lashed out and said something like: "go ahead, do it". Which I assume he means right now, so if that's his response to a moment of me venting out of pain and anger for what he has done to me; instead of just hearing me out - let it pass, maybe he is right, maybe I should go ahead and see what else is out there. Maybe it's not meant to be because he can not be there for me, hold my pain, which is a fundamental requirement of a healthy relationship, "interdependency". Then again, he never had to imagine other people touching me not that he would care anyway, but I had to and not only imagine it but know that has actually happened and then I touched him afterward and didn't even know someone else was there, right before me.

Then we tried to have a normal family breakfast at iHOP, it was okay but it was just too much noise, I wasn't in the mood, I saw some threats too but I am so out of it that even my triggers flatlined.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
When I was venting to him out of frustration and he had the nerve to throw it back in my face, I didn't throat punch him.

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Yep, you are 110% correct on that. Makes you feel so defeated.

The ground just never stops shaking.

 

Thank you

 

Thank you *hug*

I agree, even if nothing ended up happening, the intent was there and that's all that matters. I am glad he decided to be honest with me about this (better late than never), but it doesn't hurt any less.

 

DAY 203:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels

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Last night we had a long talk about everything that has come to light in the last few days and well, I'm so emotionally exhausted, my heart hurts every time I think about it... feels like I've been stabbed in the back so many times, there's no more room left for new scars. We've been discussing his new disclosure and all the shit that has hit the fan because of "it" plus the timing and delivery of this nuclear bomb. I also brought up his snarky response last morning - how it did not help his case with me at all, telling me I should go sleep with other people, because I was venting out of pain and anger, you know, a perfectly sane response to finding out your husband was intending to pay someone to cheat on you! while you were at home with two kids, a 7-month-old at that. Also, dropping it on me nonchalantly mid-conversation, months after I had begun healing from the first full disclosure I was given and promised there was nothing else, oh and then turning it into a joke towards the end to top it off.......... I'm getting amped up again. Phew. Okay. Well, he kept apologizing and I recognize and acknowledge that he didn't have to tell me this at all, I would have (probably) never found out, it took some courage for him to be honest and he decided to tell me this unprovoked and he claims he really didn't remember it until now, he just wishes he approached the delivery differently because he wants to continue being honest with me. We've grown our intimacy/connection so much in the last few months, it just sucks that this had to happen - in the way that it did. I don't know what to believe anymore, like literally, word for word in March, he promised there was nothing else "period" and well, now 5 months later we have a second disclosure. So, I can't believe him, even if I want to, because I don't know when or if another shoe will drop, in a few months. I'm scared at what else could still be lurking behind the shadows, at this point I don't know what else he was capable of doing behind my back, he didn't give two shits about me or our marriage during his "high", so I wouldn't put anything past him. Then he wanted to give me a massage/back rub, I told him it's fine - it's not necessary because I don't need any favors, so to speak. He said oh come on, I've been doing them, even when nothing has been wrong etc, I told him umm when was the last time, he thought it was last week but really it's been over 3 weeks and I didn't mention it because, it's not my place to, I'm not forcing him to do anything, not anymore. Anyway, I finally agreed to it, it was good as usual, only problem is, as I was enjoying myself (his touch), I was also simultaneously getting visuals of what he may have looked like, on the massage table, receiving his massage from some woman, then turning around and laying there, completely naked, just waiting... waiting for the worker to figure out what he was "tipping her extra" for... it was really turning me off from the whole experience. The frustrating part about all of it is, I LOVE MASSAGES, it was one of my favorite things that he did for me, the feel of his hands all over my body, how sensual it would get and all that - but now, no matter how much I was pushing it out, the images just kept coming in, I couldn't stop it, no matter how hard I tried. It was unpleasant and killed it for me, even the pain relief wasn't worth it anymore. He told me he'll ask me if I want a massage or not, or if we are in the middle of one and I get triggered, to tell him and he'll stop but I think I'll just tell him tonight, from now on, I rather pay for some random massage guy at a mall to give me a massage once or twice a year instead. Sucks, because I think massages really made me feel a lot closer to him, but now that has gone straight out the window.

It is difficult for me to verbalize/express my pain and frustrations to him, about this. He asked me last night, if I had any questions about "it", he will answer them - no matter how uncomfortable. I asked him a few, he answered, although he didn't remember many details. I guess what gets to me most about this particular situation, this disclosure is that he had absolutely zero qualms about rejecting me; obviously, but was more than happy to pay some random stranger to touch him, to rub him out? there's that rejection again. I feel like I just kept getting rejected throughout this marriage and I was too fucking oblivious to realize it when I should have. To make matters even worse, it was with co-workers, I don't care if they were doing it too, if they were married too, they knew me, they knew our kids -- they kissed my fucking cheek at the Christmas party, a few months after telling you about a "special" place to get your dick jerked off and you excitedly tagged along, like a desperate fucking puppy who doesn't get any [when you had a wife who could have sex, like literally 24/7] ANYWAY, putting it out there that you too don't give a flying fuck about your marriage, wife, or your kids. I haven't had enough time to process this disclosure, I feel pressured to just "let it go" and "move on" because if I don't, he may never admit anything to me again. After his other disclosure, certain things he would ask me to do (which I enjoy) would also make me think things, when he would tell me "I love when you do ______ to me", that also makes me think of THAT, when he says "this is all yours" -- it makes me pause and think, but that's just not true, now is it? only one of us in this relationship can truly say that, and it is definitely, unfortunately not you. It breaks me every time I think about it all.

So, where does this leave me? us? I don't really know. His schedule is getting shifted around for the next few weeks and it will give me ample time to kind of take a step back and think, detach from him a bit and really concentrate on me and my own healing, lord knows I need to kick into high gear now. I think maybe I've been getting too reattached emotionally to him because I have been enjoying this new 2.0 version of him, maybe a little too much - forgetting what my goal in Jan was and maybe I'm winding myself up AGAIN like I did at the beginning of this relationship (believing an image vs reality, which turned out to be the biggest mistake for me) I've been loving the honesty, the communication, the intimacy, and connection... but after this bomb, and how he delivered it, months later, after all of the recent talks we've had about how important delivery is... about empathy, consideration, codependency etc... then he add-ons to it by responding to my moment of pain/anger with "you should sleep with others" instead of just being there and hearing me out - I was floored, I think that was the moment, where in my mind a switch [my wall/defenses] was turned back on, because I felt something change for me at that moment and I can't put my finger on it. I don't want to be as connected to him right now, I'm too scared, at least now how connected I was/wanted to be just a few days ago, on the upside threats/triggers aren't as impactful on me... I just feel, meh about them. I can't make sense of what I'm feeling right now.

Today was a bit better, didn't think much about all of the unpleasantness of the last few days and decided to concentrate on a family day for our girls. We took them to a science museum and they had a blast, it was fun for all of us, no drama or triggers for me. I saw a few threats but I didn't get triggered, not sure if it's because mentally I put some blocks back up, disconnecting a bit on my end (as mentioned above) and that may have contributed to that or it's pure coincidence.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Went to a crowded museum and didn't feel threatened or triggered!~

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When I was completely emotionally disconnected from him, before Jan, before this recovery I didn't give a rat's ass. Recovery stirred shit up again.

 

Isn't that the sad part? :-/

 

Yep and that's a scary place to live in. :-/

 

DAY 204:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels

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Last night when I joined Wade out on the balcony, I could tell he wasn't in a good mood. I guess while I was in the shower, he read my journal and he wasn't happy with what he had read. I understand why, but I can't help my reaction/feelings to his actions and the whole point of this recovery for both of us, is, to be honest, and that's what I was when I wrote my entry last night. I feel like something inside of me has pulled back and it's not something I can control, my body/mind reacts to situations as they occur, on its own, to protect itself from potential danger/fear/risk or whatever. I explained this to him and I also brought up how I kind of feel like this is a good thing, well for me at least, because I've been falling head-over-heels for this 2.0 version of him, maybe falling back into my old mentally/trap of making an image of him in my mind that isn't really real but it's what I want him to be so bad, that it's what I've dreamed up, as I did when we first met and how I ended up in the position I'm in today. I don't want to miss any red flags this time around, I don't want to have my heart broken again, I can't keep going through this, I just can not. Look, I'm hurting, I've been hurting and in pain for years - only difference is after while I numbed it out, and the last few months have been wonderful and honestly, what I thought marriage was supposed to be like, what I always wanted, but then after processing his first disclosure and moving past it somewhat, being told that was it... healing a bit... suddenly there was more? of course, it's going to scare me, even letting him in as much as I did in the last few months - was a huge risk already, I just really hope I don't live to really regret all of this and wishing that I just stayed the course and disconnected as planned in Jan. He told me he thought to himself, he feels so defeated right now, that after so much progress he ruined it all because he didn't think and find the right way, to be honest with me, because that's all he had to do and everything could have played out differently. He said he's even thought "what's the point of any of this now" but then quickly changed that to "when it seems the most difficult, that's when you have to try even harder" and that now is his chance to prove to me, to remain consistent even when he feels like all is lost, so I know he is in it for the right reasons. He's frustrated that his new schedule is going to really put his recovery/recovery work to the test, it's going to throw him a huge curveball and who knows what that will mean for him. I hope he will be able to muster through it, but I think he will be put in a situation where temptation will be all around him and the potential for slipping up will be everywhere. As for me, I'm not going to let 'worrying' about what he is doing consume my mind, it is - what it is, he's going to do whatever he feels like anyway, no matter what I think or want, regardless. I am going to take this time and concentrate on me. At night when we went to bed, I was feeling so raw and emotional, I just wanted him. I started coming onto him and he was hesitant at first and even said "are you sure? I don't want you to regret this in the morning" and I said, I'm sure. I'm not like that, sex and moment of weakness don't go hand in hand for me.

I began my walk alone this morning, kept my mind blank and listened to some upbeat music. Then I decided to reach out to one of our Pokemon Go gamer friends because he had something I wanted to trade, he came out so we could trade and ended up walking with me for almost two whole hours. We started by talking about the game, my daughter and somehow the conversation led to us talking about his impending divorce from his wife of almost 10 years. Ironically he was complaining about feeling alone, ignored, his wife was acting distant and he began disconeccting from her. He tried reaching out to her plenty of times but she never wanted to talk or do anything. So, he turned to social media and gaming as an outlet for human contact, just as I did. It hit me like he's telling my story. So, I reciprocated and began telling him that my marriage isn't perfect either, I told him I know exactly how he feels because I disconnected as well and I have always bottled up too, it was just easier than dealing with drama. I didn't tell him that my husband is a PA or that I have betrayal trauma because he knows my husbands, not well but we play the game together from time to time, so it isn't my "secret to share". I told him we have our issues, but I can't talk about the details atm. But I think I would have told him or could get to a point where I could, I felt comfortable talking to him, I guess because his story was just so relatable to mine. Then Wade picked me up and we had a nice quiet lunch together.

Today was a really busy day, it seems as though we haven't stopped moving at all, so much to do and errands to run all day. We stopped by Costco, a few threats there, I think when we were talking to the phone guy, a threat passed by and Wade slipped and his eyes met her ass... she would have definitely triggered me, but I felt nothing, empty like I did back in Sept. Although a few thoughts did start running through my head, not only do I have to deal with processing his new disclosure, his delivery of it and how all that played out - my feelings of him constantly rejecting me still sit within me and has a huge hold over me. Like even looking at that threat, I thought to myself, I will never be who really wants-wants, he wants THAT, he wants someone like HER, so why is he even bothering with me, this is his golden opportunity to bail but I think the intimacy/connection has him all confused.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I was able to *slightly* open up about my own issue(s) about bottling up and disconnecting to a semi-stranger today, fighting my natural instincts.

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DAY 205:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels

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Last night we spoke about the same stuff. Where we are at and how I have had to take a bit of a step back, for my own safety, not physically but mentally. The only safe space I have is myself these days.

Then morning, his new temporary shift begun and well, just as my gut feeling predicted [this change] it started off rocky. I felt like I was talking to the old him this morning and then that didn't change much throughout the day, I'll explain later. He had to head out to work really early this morning, coincidently our little one woke up, so he got up and went to her and then began getting ready for work. He ended up leaving but didn't stop by to kiss me goodbye, which may not seem like a big deal in totality, but it is something he usually does, so it surprised me and I was genuinely curious if he was running late or something was wrong, not even upset. Anyway about 1.5hrs later, he texted me and I brought it up, he ended up twisting and turning like a damn pretzel to explain himself, when all he had to say was "I am sorry, I just ran out and totally forgot" - PERIOD, end of discussion, but no he reverted back to Wade 1.0 and gave me 10 different "good" excuses, including that when he realized he didn't kiss me goodbye, he felt so empty, yet didn't start with that in his first message to me... at end of the day it really isn't a big deal, he forgot - it happens, I was just curious, this wasn't a fucking inquisition and he couldn't even give me one straight, truthful answer - this is what he always did in the past, twist and turn, throw out a bunch of shit, hoping something would stick and work out for him. I don't like it.

Then I went for my walk, today I spent the first 30 minutes mentally singing along to some upbeat - I need to decompress. Then he called me and we discussed my earlier points, he still defended his points, whatever, I give up. After we hung up, I continued walking and I thought to myself, this morning really showed me that even though I thought a lot has changed in the last 6 months, a lot still hasn't, the last few days have really shown me that and perhaps I've been seeing things through rose-colored glasses because it just felt so good. I don't know what it is, but it started when he diverted his attention more to videos (which is great and opened up some great conversations), but then that took his attention away from some of the stuff I thought he was starting to do weekly with me, I didn't bother bringing it up because I told him before - I wouldn't be doing that anymore. Seems like he just can't focus on more than one aspect of recovery at a time, oh well, videos are more important anyway, because it helps him learn about addiction, staying in recovery etc and he needs that, whether we stay together or not. I kept walking for a total of 5.1 miles and felt accomplished after.

He picked up some dinner for us, got home, he walked through the door and he did look a hella sexy, yummy, anyhow, my 'turned on' feeling didn't last long as his behavior turned me off rather quickly soon thereafter. He sat down on the couch next to me, after knowing my mood was sour from this morning, we didn't see each other all day, barely talked, I see he has a new game on his phone. So, he turned on Fear the Walking Dead, so we could watch while we ate, he also had this new game on the whole time, he said someone recommended it at work and he wanted to try it. I thought once he was done eating, he would put it away, back up and sit close to me, like he has been doing for the last few months. But he didn't, he stayed hunched over, giving 60% of his attention to the new game and 40% to the show, 0% to me (which is exactly how Wade 1.0 always behaved). Then after the show was done, he said "okay I'm going to go put the little one in the bath and go to write my journal", as I said okay, my brother called me and I started talking to him. Wade continued sitting playing the game for another 15 minutes, then he finally got up, phone in hand, put the little one in the bath, went to the bedroom, sat at his computer desk, I went into the room, he's sitting at the computer, but has the phone in his hands playing the game and not writing. I left, took my phone to the little one let her talk to my brother for a few minutes, I had to bring the air duster back to the bedroom, I walk in, HE IS STILL PLAYING ON THE PHONE and not writing a word. The whole idea was, while she was in the bath, he could have some time to write, but instead, what was his priority? the game. Just like earlier, was I his priority after "feeling so empty" as he stated? no, he didn't even kiss me hello when he got home, I was curious if he would too - looks like he wasn't feeling too empty, because his mind was too filled up, obviously with this new game. Just like old times: porn, games, whatever -- was his priority over me. I'm not doing this shit again, I told him, I refuse to be put second or last in his case, that's why I was done in Jan and today he reminded me just how quickly he can snap back from "2.0 to 1.0" and it doesn't take much, with only a new fucking game, what will happen if he relapses on porn??? I can't even. Then I was in the kitchen, he came in, asked me what I talked to my brother about and I gave him attitude and he was surprised, not sure why? I told him straight up why. He went to the bedroom, came back out and told me he deleted all his games and that I was right, blah blah. I told him he should have kept them, he'll have plenty of time to play them tonight. He said he wanted to talk, I told him I don't, I can listen but I don't plan on participating, I don't have anything to say to him, two can play this game - give him a taste of his own medicine, he wants to be Wade 1.0 again, then I'll go ahead and go back to Jag 1.0, pre-healing, where I bottle up and prefer my own world to our joint world. Because he obviously thinks its cute to fucking play this game with my emotions, bouncing back and forth from his old ways to his new ways, confusing the fucking shit out of me, talk about inconsistency for what now, 4 days straight? I don't know who the hell I'm dealing with at any given moment anymore. First, he drops a new disclosure on me as a JOKE, that I am still trying to process without any support or peace, then when I ranted the next day to him, he did what he would have before and basically told me to shut up and dared me to 'do it', instead of just being there for me. Now starting from this morning throughout the rest of the day, his behavior has been literally a replica of exactly what it would have been before this recovery began. Like, WTF, is there a full moon out tonight? jesus christ.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Walked a little over 5 miles today, that was almost 13,000 steps! in one walking session! and if it wasn't for my walk, I would like - go completely INSANE.

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DAY 206:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels

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Last night he wanted to talk, after a whole day (plus last few days) of reminding me of his old behaviors... so I told him I had nothing to say, but I decided to come out to listen to him because he asked me to and he wanted to formally apologize and explain himself, little did I know he decided to drink himself into a stupor. He ended up rambling a lot, repeated the same point over and over again, "recovery is hard, it is really really hard" -- because dealing with him for the last 12 years, finding out my entire marriage was a sham, that I may not even be my husbands type, had my self-esteem taken through the cleaners, now having to balance how to have understanding, patience and help him with his recovery which I have no issue with doing at all (when he is not acting THIS way), plus figuring out how to heal my own issues, triggers, coping with two disclosures, all of this betrayal trauma, etc, yea all that is super easy stuff. Him telling me he is changing and doesn't want to be that other guy anymore, while shitfaced, really helps emphasize his point. So, I sat there fuming, listening to him ramble, slur and then slur some more. Then he kept saying that I am the only one he has, the only one to lean on, the only one there for him, to hold him accountable and be honest with him when he is fucking up and I never had an issue with that, other than when I do call him out, he argues back and gets defensive. See the thing is, he knows he can always count on me because I'm dependable, on the flip side, and what he doesn't seem to understand is... every time shit hits the fan like this, especially consecutively as it has the last 4-5 days, he's showing me, that he is not someone I can depend on, I can not lean on him, I end up feeling like I am alone. Yesterday was a prime example, all it took was one new game and I was invisible again or a few too many drinks and who can I turn to, a drunk who can't get a word out right? We went in shortly after, where he couldn't keep it down anymore and well, let's just say he got the cold shoulder the rest of the night, after a while he whispered in my ear "Iwant to promise that I won't be drinking anything for a while now" and I told him, don't make any promises you can't keep, I just wasn't having any of that shit, not anymore.

Then morning, Wade texted me and called to say sorry about last night, we couldn't really talk much so we said we'd talk later. I went on my walk, and boy oh boy did I need it today. I got my 30-minute jam session in, fresh air, upbeat music, and Pokemon Go. Then I got a message from the other gamer saying he was nearby and asked if I was at the park and I replied yep, so he said he'll join me, I didn't mind. We began walking together, he talked to me some more about his soon to be ex-wife and then since Wade said I could mention he has an addiction but not to say which one, when the conversation turned to me, I told him about our history and how I've felt and how I understood what he meant about feeling unwanted, not getting attention etc, but I said "well my husband also has an addiction, so that adds on to it all" and then he cut me off and said "I had one too" and I said, but you don't know what addiction I'm talking about and he said, "yea, I think I do". I was dumbfounded lol, here I was already thinking of what I would say next if he would have asked "what kind of addiction?" instead, I was like, umm......... "what addiction are we talking about then?" "PA?" and he said "YUP"... all I kept thinking was HOLY SHIT. Anyway, it was like ripping off a band-aid that had been on a wound for years, untouched so it was stuck on there really good, so when it was pulled off all the little hairs came out right along with it: OUCHHHHHHH but afterward, though, it was like a huge sigh of relief, like another real-life person knows this big dark secret. Then since he knew this... I could actually really go into my betrayal trauma and really explain what I meant when I said I disconnected, and the ogling issues, plus the difference recovery and communication made etc. We spoke for almost 2 hours, I don't think I've ever talked to any of my girlfriends that long lol I told him about the Tony Robbins videos "How to Rebuild a Broken Relationship" and he asked me to send it to him, so I did when I go home. We didn't finish our talk, so he told me "please text me if you're going to be walking earlier tomorrow!" I said okay, I wasn't going to let him know that I'm not so good at being the first one to reach out, but I guess I can do it this once, since he did it first, this time lol. Plus, maybe I can convince him to trade me some cool Pokemon while I'm at it.

When I got home from my walk, I text Wade that I was back, he called but I couldn't really talk because my mom was here and the kids were around but he said it was fine and he just needed me to listen. He apologized again for his behavior and everything else. He repeated that recovery is hard, that I am the only one he has and he doesn't want me to give up on him. I never said I was giving up on him, I don't know where he got that from. He said things were going to change, he's learning from all of his mistakes now, but I don't know, I guess - when I see it, I'll believe it? he said he watched some more videos from The Betrayed, The Addicted and The Expert on Denial and learned a lot of interesting points. Then he asked me about my walk and I told him I can't talk about it, he said: "cause it was private?" I said: because people are around. He called again later and I told him the story I posted above and he was shocked, but not really and is kind of interested in talking to this guy himself now. I guess we'll see what happens when we all have an opportunity to meet up again at some point.

I ended up walking 6.41 miles woo hoo!! but damn do my feet hurt LOL

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Today was the first day I admitted to someone, in real life, face to face, who has seen both me and my husband about his PA and my BT and it was such a release/weight off my shoulders.

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