Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Now that is amazing!

Thank you, I really hope this keeps going forward, not backward.

 

Yes! I didn't even know that betrayal trauma was a thing. Or betrayal PTSD! until I came on this forum. I am learning so much here.

Thank you! ❤️❤️❤️

 

DAY 13:

So, we are almost at the two week mark, earlier I posted about being conflicted about still being intimate with my husband, because even though he says his PM has absolutely zero correlation with us having sex... I enjoy it, he enjoys it, the love is still there, along side the pain of his actions... I told him I was scared that subliminally/subconsciously - him releasing with me, could be keeping his PM urges at bay, so it makes it a lot easier to be honest with no urges. I said "what happens when you've been dry for 2 weeks, will you get intense urges all of a sudden?" after talking about it all, he decided (on his own) to try the next two weeks as PMO, instead of PM and see if sex really makes a difference or not.

I just diagnosed with the flu, so I don't have the energy to move, let alone have any... ya know. But the hubby has been really good, taking care of me and the kids. I wish he'd be home all week, but work is work I guess.

 

Thank you for your honesty!

I am really trying, like I've told my husband, I can handle everything else and help him if he relapses etc. -- just be honest -- no matter how much it hurts, but the lying - that's my deal breaker now. No more lies, having no trust in a marriage is like building a house, without a good foundation, if a storm hits, it will fall apart. :-/ if that makes sense.

 

Exactly! I concur 110%.

 

Thank you

 

DAY 15:

Sorry I missed my post yesterday - I'm still sick, the hubby is taking care of me, sucks that he had to go back to work already. Not too much to report, my moods and emotions have continued to be a bit erratic lol high's and low's constantly. When the Flu meds kick in I'm more happy/relaxed/lovey... when they wear off, I'm reminded of my anger/fears and confusion. Regardless, I am so proud of my husband for passing the two week mark of being PM free, as well as now 2 days of PMO free.

 

Thank you

 

DAY 16:

Valentine's Day!... it's an interesting day. I am such a big bag of mixed feelings and emotions right now; because... only one short year ago, it was as if it I was in a different world; reality, I was someone else, we were a different people... I was still in my unsuspecting bubble, no D-Day since '08 and I was under the impression that all is well in my life and marriage. Fast forward to this year - everything has changed, what was once familiar is now in doubt, in question and under a cloud of constant suspicion. It's just all so damn complicated all the time now. Sigh, really exhausting.

Last night we had our daily talk and he let me know he didn't have any big urges but he did think about how it would have been nice to M, but doesn't consider it an urge, just a thought - I'm not too sure about that, I told him in my opinion (obviously, as I am not in his head) - it sounds like a minor urge to me, because thinking about how nice it may be to M; is really close wanting to M... right? I dunno. Then it was my turn to be honest and well, there was a thought that I have been holding onto to all day...earlier in the day yesterday, this NoFap thread popped up for me... the question (title) stopped me in my tracks... "Ladies would you marry your porn addict husband again if you could do it all over?" and my honest answer is: I DON'T KNOW. That scares me... a lot. He said hearing that, doesn't make him feel good - but he wants to know and hear all of my feelings... the good, the bad and the ugly. So, I did, we talked and talked about it all. We are both trying to make sense of where we are right now and neither of us have any concrete answers. He keeps reiterating to me that no matter what, he wants to now be the person I know I can come to and say anything without judgement, but that's difficult for me to do in general but post-betrayal of trust, even more difficult. But, he says he doesn't care how long it takes, he will keep trying. I see his new found motivation as a positive in the right direction though, even though I am not there yet and don't know when I will be. I am just REALLY hoping this is now an act/show (for right now) to get me comfortable again, I don't want to fall into this brutal cycle again. I want this change to be real.

* POSSIBLE TRIGGER * After our talk, we were getting emotional / touchy and I know he is trying to do PMO for the next two weeks, to show me his urges for M have nothing to do with sex with me... So I wanted to stop because I knew it could make tempt him into breaking his PMO streak, but instead he just took care of me... without fulfilling his own needs.... I was shocked; pleasantly. It felt so good, like in the moment he cared about nothing else, just me.

Then before leaving for work for the night, he left me my Valentine's Day gift... a handwritten letter - he told me I could read it "now", after 12am or in the morning... So after he left, I decided to read it then, because I wanted to go to bed and then in the morning, my kids wouldn't let me concentrate. For one, I was utterly SHOCKED that he wrote me a letter, by hand, almost two full pages; really out of character for him. I have to say, it is the best gift I have ever received from him. It wasn't full of "I'm sorry's"; as I'm tired of hearing them already but it will full of reasons why he loves me... I was laughing, crying tears of joy and was a wreck by the time I was done reading it. It felt real, genuine and heartfelt. I'm still shocked.

I wonder what else in in store for today, even though I thought I made myself clear two weeks ago: forget about Valentines Day this year...

I will update again tonight or tomorrow...

Some quotes I've shared with my husband today:





Thanks for reading.

 

It really is, I'm so shocked. Getting this man to write out anything (in all 12 years) has been a great pain in my @$$...

 

That he is, long road, but on the right path... so far!