A year ago or two I had like maybe 10 friends/ acquaintances. Now I honestly have like 2 friends who are close by but I don't really see them too often. And an acquaintance who lives in the same neighborhood. And I have a good friend and his brother who moved but sometimes they come and visit, but not recently. Also I had two good friends who live in another state. They used to live here, but they moved. They came over for a week, but I think we aren't friends anymore. They'd rather be with other people than me. They'd rather be on Instagram, snap chat, and my Netflix account than be with me. We barely even talked. It was mostly one of them and the other has always been more quiet, but I really don't want to go visit them or have them come over any time soon. My memory has always been bad but due to marijuana it's gotten worse. I haven't indulged in 10 days and I feel I've gotten smarter and faster. I also think marijuana has made me not want to talk to others that much and also made me more depressed. I've also gotten way too high and had horrible panic attacks like 4 times. I'm quitting it, but I just really want to get high and just listen to music. And also since I've quit I still feel depressed. Nowadays I just like to stay home and watch anime. Watching an anime I like makes me feel good, but I know it's just another temporary escape from my boring ass life. I wish I could find out where it all went wrong. I wish I could go back in time and maybe not say whatever I said that made all those people stop liking me. I really hate going on Instagram now, because I get depressed when I see other people I know get tons of likes and I don't even post cause I know I'll get a maximum of 5 likes. 2 of my friends/ acquaintances only hangout sometimes with me cause i'm their weed man. Or at least that's how I feel cause before I sold to them they were around me even less. I had a girl I thought liked me and we knew each other from a long time ago and we messaged a lot for like 2 weeks and then I found out she was also messaging one of my friends too. She's honestly just an attention seeking bitch. She's not even attractive or interesting at all. Her family says she sleeps all day and every time I go on Instagram it shows shes active or was active less than an hour ago. I'm honestly kind of jealous of her cause even though I would consider her less cool than me she has tons of likes and friends on instagram and I don't. She's always on her goddamn phone though. I wish something would change in my life. I don't ever really have anything to talk about with other people. Except with 3 of my acquaintances/ friends all we talk about is weed and psychedelics and other substances. With the other ones that don't do any of that I got nothing to say. I don't stay up to date with news, sports, or memes or really anything. I have no idea what the kids think is cool anymore. I even avoid my family now. I just stay mostly quiet around them now. Before I would be loud and make jokes and they would either laugh or ignore me, but now I just kind of don't give a shit. I'm honestly kind of scared how much I don't give a shit anymore about stuff, even though I know I kind of do. I'm so fucking lonely these days. Even little kids look down on me. I'm not ugly or anything. I look kind of attractive and I've been going to the gym so I got some muscle. I have no idea why everybody just seems to dislike me. As if they all know I'm just a loser with no friends. Even my little sister. As if I'm not even worthy enough for them to choose to spend their time on me. Before people would say I was quiet, but now I just really don't talk that much. I finished writing this and now I'm crying. Hopefully I can go through these emotions I've been putting away for so long.