It's tough, but i'm willing...

It's been about two and a half weeks or so since I found out about my boyfriends addiction and I have been having a very hard time dealing with it. I've read some introductions and journal posts on here already and that in itself has been a help to know that I have found a place where I have support from people that truly understand my struggle and who can help me work through all the anger, betrayal and pain. I've already found some great advice from others on others posts. The most significant so far that really hit home was on a journal where they were talking about the lingering anger about the situation and how it's not so much of a bad thing and more of a shield we use to protect ourselves. Just reading over some of the replies from people who have been working through this and are overcoming it are so influential in making me feel like this CAN work.

But for a bit of backstory. I have been with my SO for about 6 months now, we had about a month long breakup because he had cheated on me about 3 months in. There are a lot of backstory to that alone that I wont get into right now or this introduction could become a novel on its own. I love this man with all of my heart, I've never felt so strongly for someone and this is the reason I've stuck with him through everything up to this point. His side of the story, he is very adamant about this, is that it was only a brief make-out session that he stopped abruptly before it could go further. I had a hard time dealing with this as I have never had someone cheat on me before. After a month of being broken up and trying to sort through my feelings I decided to believe him and work on our relationship and make it stronger. About two and a half weeks ago I had found some texts on his phone to other girls, some with names attached, others were just phone numbers. I had found them one night when I had been feeling uneasy about us, the time he cheated I had been dealing with my new found depression issues and he became distant while I was spiraling into a helpless pit of despair for no reason. It's like a switch in my brain just flipped and I couldn't figure out how to bring myself back. This was similar, I had been in a hole trying to climb back out and he seemed to become more distant. I was staying at his place and he was out driving for Uber. He left his iwatch on the charger and on a trip back from the bathroom I couldn't help the feeling like I needed to look, this is when I found the texts and when my heart just completely shattered. I hated myself for snooping, but there is not one day that I think about it and regret it. I asked him to come home and confronted him about it when he arrived, all my stuff was already packed and I was ready to leave. I didn't stay long enough for much of an explanation but this is when he finally confessed that he had a problem. I didn't get much sleep that night and couldn't bring myself to eat anything the next day. I sent him novel length text after text while trying not to break down at work. I knew it was something that should have been face to face but even getting it all out gave me some solace and I was able to make it through my eight hour shift. Afterwards I went to his place and we had a conversation. He told me that the texts were like a source of interactive porn for him, he never meant to meet up with any of the girls, people he had met from Tinder and Kik before his previous relationship before ours. The fact was that videos weren't doing it anymore and this was what got him off, the self esteem boost that someone else wanted to get with him, he has been dealing with low self esteem for a very long time. While I left his apartment feeling like I somehow understood it from his point of view better I still had all these different thoughts and emotions flowing through my mind. He joined NoFap about two weeks ago, I had told him that the only way I could get on board with working through this was if he sought out professional help. With funds being low already I knew this wasn't the most viable of options, but he was more than willing. He wanted this to work. He did research and has been an avid reddit user for some time and came to the site. He signed up and put out his introduction and came back to me with all the things he had learned from others and a list of things he was planning on doing to start combating this problem. He let me read his intro and I felt so much better just for that and knowing how serious he was. It's been two weeks and hes posted two more times, but more so because I hassle him to do so. I don't want to be that person, I don't want to push him to do it, I want him to want to do it. I can't help but feeling like this is all harder for me than it is for him and I resent him for that. I can't stop the negative thoughts and emotions from flooding back the moment we aren't together. That's when it would happen, when we were apart he would contact these girls instead of contacting me even though he has always told me I was the sexiest person he knew. He was ashamed of his problem and thought I would be ashamed of him too.

Even typing this all out and knowing that you all will be here to support and encourage me to get through this is such a relief. I've talked to my mother and my two best friends to varying degrees on the matter and it all comes back to they want me to protect myself and are supportive but they don't want me to get hurt again, understandably of course. But for them to not truly understand the emotions and thoughts that come along with all of this really makes it hard to feel good about working through our issues and making this relationship work. I'm excited to have this support base to help me push on and the encouragement I need to work it out with my SO, I'm just so scared to lose him even though he has hurt me so much. He wants this to work more than anything and I don't want to let go.

 

An ongoing battle that I fear i'll never win...

This is my first journal post and I guess the best place to start is with where my head is currently at. I posted a brief backstory about my SO and our relationship to this point after learning about his addiction in my New Members introduction, and while there is plenty more I would like to elaborate on and get into that is not the place to start.

I work at a hotel and I tend to be on evening and night shifts. Coming out of the winter months we are not very busy which leads to a lot of sitting behind a desk with no outlet for my thoughts. I found out about my SO's addiction just two and a half weeks ago and I have been having an increasingly hard time dealing with it. The biggest battle I've come to face is dealing with my never ending thoughts on the matter. I've never had and issue, and still don't really, about any of my past boyfriends, or him even, watching porn. I do it on occasion and have never felt as though it was cheating. I can sympathize with others and understand why they may see it this way, but for me it has never been so much about their lack of desire for myself but a need to take care of business while I may not be available to do so with them. My issue is that my SO had taken to texting other girls for sexual stimulation as a form of interactive porn, like a cam girl he didn't have to pay as he says. The day after I had found the texts we had a conversation, probably the most real conversation we had ever had in the eight months I have known him. While I didn't necessarily agree with his reasoning I could at lest understand it from his point of view. He never thought of it as cheating because there was never a thought of it actually leading to something physical. While I may understand how he could see it that way I can't get on board. Not once did he ever text me in a sexual way, even jokingly. I had sent him a text on one occasion or another where I was sexually suggestive, but it was never to the same extent of the conversations he would have with this other girls. To be honest, until about two months ago I had no idea he was into the idea BECAUSE I had tried to dabble in the area and he seemed to not be into it or willing to participate. Until two months ago we only had sex missionary because I thought that's just what he felt comfortable with or enjoyed. During our recent conversation I found out that his last relationship was full of crazy wild sex. I can't even began to tell you how incapable of pleasing him this, on top of the sexting, made me feel. We had only started mixing it up in the bedroom recently because I brought up that I needed more variety, only to find out that he had been doing all this other stuff with his last girlfriend. Why was I any different? Why couldn't he tell me his wants and needs? He assured me that even missionary was enough for him when he was with me, that he had been afraid it wouldn't be but found that he was content with even just doing that. He tells me endlessly that I am the sexiest person he knows but why did he have to turn to someone else for fulfillment? I know I gave my all to this relationship from day one, which hasn't always been true with other guys. I know it wasn't my fault that he strayed the first time. I supported him, made him think about his future. Encouraged him to find what he really wanted to do with his life and how he wanted to evolve as a person, something he never put thought into before. He can't stress enough how this was none of my fault and how its his shortcomings, not mine. I know I didn't do anything to deserve this but then why did it happen? It takes two to tango and two people to screw up a relationship.

I find myself drowning in endless thoughts and I can't make them stop. I have such a lack of trust that every time he picks up his phone I can't help but wonder what he could be doing. He stresses that none of this ever happened when I was around, it was when he was alone. That seems to be my problem currently. I am so unbelievably happy with him when we are together, all those negative thoughts are virtually almost non existant. There are days when I struggle with my own depression issues and they will start to creep in even when he is sitting next to me and his phone is in the other room, but for the most part I couldn't be happier. When I'm alone at work and have no other way to occupy my time it's like an endless barrage of one negative thought after the other. Some are about my short comings and how I could have been more open for him to talk to to confess his struggles, the others are the more constant, what is he doing? Is he lying again? Is he hiding something else from me? Is he still texting other girls and then deleting the messages so he can freely give me his phone if I happened to ask? There is no end to these untrustworthy thoughts and it's killing me. I want more than anything to forgive him and move on, but I can't help but keep thinking of all this different scenarios where I'm still being wronged. Does this ever stop? Is there going to be an end in sight? I want so badly to repair this giant tear in our relationship and continue to make it stronger everyday but I can't help feeling like there is no way I will ever stop thinking this way and that's no way to live. It doesn't help that I am also dealing with my own depression issues, which are a very new thing for me, it only makes it harder to tell myself that those thoughts are crazy, he DOES love me and he DOES want to do anything to right these wrongs. It's only been two weeks and I know it's not going to be easy and it won't all be solved at the drop of a hat, but right now I feel like its an uphill battle and I can't see the top. I'm over here floundering and trying to keep my head above water and he seems to be moving through this with no problem. ...that in itself is a whole nother journal entry.

 

Resentment is a cruel mistress...

I find that I keep falling back into the land of resentment. I try to push through and think of helpful things to work on with my SO instead of sulking in the dark parts of my mind with the bad thoughts and my suspicions swirling around me and letting them spiral out of control and manifest into me becoming depressed. It's not helpful to either of us and is only effecting my day to day. I have a lot of resentment not only towards him but also towards myself. I know I need to talk to him about it but I find it hard to find the words when the time comes, I think mainly because I resent myself for feeling so insecure about our situation even when I have every right to be.

The biggest issue here, it seems, would be that he doesn't seem to be struggling. How do you sit there and not hate yourself for being mad at the person you love because they aren't struggling with their problem? He doesn't post on NoFap, the last two times were because I kept nagging him and asking if he had done an entry yet. He keeps telling me that he doesn't have much to write about and that it hasn't been as hard as he thought it would be. He had two moments of temptation that he wrote about that he used distraction to move past. I'm having such a hard time on my end that I can't help but hate him for breezing through this. I've never had to deal with an addiction and I can only imagine that it will get harder for him before this is all over, but there is still the preconceived notion that this should all be harder for him. If it isn't that hard to overcome does that mean that this whole scenario was avoidable to begin with? Was there no real effort on his part when he was texting the other girls, if he really wanted it to not happen couldn't he have just passed the opportunity up? I can't get out of my own head and the longer I'm in there the more ridiculous my thoughts and suspicions get.

He is still on his phone far too often for my liking. It had always been an issue, even before this all came to light. I have asked him many a times to put his phone away and he would for the most part comply but would end up picking it back up soon after. He is still on his phone even after all of this and when I very aggravatingly tell him to put his phone down again he snaps and says that he's trying to sell stuff on facebook and craigslist to make rent. He is going through a hard time financially and I know he has been trying to get cash by selling off things he doesn't use or need, but every time I happen to glance over and see what he's doing nine times out of ten he's scrolling through Reddit or Facebook. He very well may be checking his items for sale when I finally get angry enough to say something but every other time he isn't. He knows how much his phone usage upsets me and has said he is trying to use it less, but I just don't see it. When he first came back to me with all the things he was going to work on one was that bringing his phone to the bathroom with him was a big no no. He still continues to do this. It's things like this and his lack of updates to NoFap, or even starting a conversation about it with me, that makes me feel like he isn't taking this seriously.

I also can't help hating him when I get upset and then he gets upset in turn. Its like he want's to be the victim because he is used to it and its easier for him instead of taking the initiative to make me feel better. I always end up feeling worse because my being upset has now upset him. I find myself comforting him more times than not through our struggles even when I was the one who was originally upset. I just feel so drained from trying to push myself on wards while also having to lift him up along the way. I carry so much resentment for having to be the stronger person here.

That being said, I cant help but resent myself for those thoughts. I don't want to belittle his progress but there just isn't much to see from where i'm standing. I resent myself for being suspicious and not believing everything he says, but how can I when there has been so much that he's hidden from me. I hate myself for constantly wanting to check his phone when he's not around and with out telling him because if I did he would just start deleting and hiding things more because he doesn't want to upset me by me finding it out. Not that his phone is ever NOT with him... I never wanted to be the girl who would low-jack her boyfriend because she was insecure with their relationship.

I know we need to talk more about all of this but i'm afraid that the more I tell him the more he will hide things because he doesn't want to hurt me any more. There has been so much hidden from me that it's hard to think that he is being completely honest now. We never have a conversation unless I initiate it, I just want that effort from him instead of feeling like i'm forcing him into all of this.

 

I can't even begin to imagine dealing with this for 2 years. It's been 2 weeks and it feels like forever. I'm glad you put yourself first, I'm still trying to figure out the right balance of support but taking care of myself. It's hard to want better for someone when they can't get onboard themselves. You can only do so much. I hope something finally clicks for your SO and really starts to better himself. I know it's going to be a long journey for me and my SO to work past all the trust issues, but I think we're both more than willing.

 

I'm here for you if you even need to vent. As terrible the whole situation is I'm glad I found a place where i don't feel alone, like I'm not the only one stuck in this whirlwind of anger and resentment. I'd never wish these feelings on another person, but as long as there ARE others out there that are dealing with the same struggle I will use that resource for the support and understanding that I need. While my two best friends and mother are as understanding and sympathetic as they can be they just don't really understand the internal turmoil like everyone here does. If I can help in any way, if you need someone to vent to feel free to message me. I want to repay the support that I've received I just a three days of being on here.

 

It's a trap...

Or at least that's what it feels like when I try to have an adult conversation about my struggles with this. To be fair I hadn't really let on how hard this was for me, maybe to focus on him and overcoming his issues? I'm not sure the real reasoning behind it but I can admit openly that I've never been a 'talk about your feelings/emotions' kind of gal. But I've never felt the same amount of difficulty being open with my SO as with others. Two nights ago I did confront him about how I was feeling and issues I was still having with his lack of response to the site, being on his phone, etc. I started by trying to explain to him how hard this was for me. He instantly got defensive. Took a defensive tone, wouldn't let me get out a full statement before he jumped down my throat with a response or excuse. This was not how I had wanted this whole thing to go, i got frustrated very quick and snapped at him having to tell him to shut up and let me talk. Unfortunatly I had to do this at least three times until he finally, with effort, listened. I brought up how i felt that he was on his phone too much still to which he got very upset about. He HAD been doing better and I even told him so, but I needed more. If that was what he was working on fixing and wasn't making an effort to post more on NoFap or comment and discuss with others than he had to compromise somewhere and put up more of an effort on that front.

The lack of posts to the site came up and again, defensive. I understand he has been under a lot of pressure with finances and had just started a new job that has kept him busy throughout the afternoon and evenings and that I get. He assured me that it hasn't been hard for him to let go of porn because of how preoccupied he has been. Fine. I brought up that I joined a support group on here and he got more angry that I hadn't told him than supportive of my trying to work through this. That's really where the conversation left me feeling empty. Instead of hearing me to listen he just heard to respond. I tried to word it as many ways as I possibly could to make him understand what I was saying, or at least try to. I figured I'd done that for him, how hard could it be for him to understand how hard this was when there was a waterfall running down my face?

In the end I didn't feel any better for the talk. I felt like I comforted him more than I received yet again despite me saying exactly what I needed. But what hurt the most was him saying 'I'd like to think...' instead of 'I will make this work.' If I could put all my hope and effort into making this work and putting the conviction in my own words when I said, 'this WILL work!' and I'm hurting as much as I am and struggling as much as I am, why couldn't he? I've been feeling drained from comforting him and trying to push him towards overcoming this obstacle with no comfort of my own in return and this conversation did nothing to make me feel better about the situation. I stayed the night at his place. It was late and I didn't think leaving would help the situation anyway.

Last night was a much better night. (Our talk was two nights ago) He came home from work, I hadnt left the couch despite having laundry to do at home and trying to make myself go to my kickboxing class. He sat down on the couch with me to watch a movie after showering and changing. His phone wasn't even the same room. It started off a little rough, I was still having trouble feeling good about the night before. As the movie went on we shared an occasional comment or witty thought, by the end of I was genuinely smiling. We went to the diner down the road for a pie date and again, the phone never even came into the restaurant with us. He looked me in the eye and told me he was going to make this work. He was going to do whatever it took. This was the comfort I needed. To feel like I wasn't the only one here fighting for us.

 

Facing the monsters in my head...

The last few days have been great between me and my SO. He has stayed off his phone almost entirely when we are together and I wish I could really convey to him how much I appreciate his efforts. We haven't had another real conversation on the matter since the last one, but I think it's important to have these good days as much as you can. That being said, I don't want to settle into the same routine like last time where I'd rather not say anything in case it will throw off our good times. In the end of all of this I want to come out knowing that we are stronger people who can have a constructive conversation without it destroying each other. I think we're a long way off from that if the last talk has anything to do with it. He listens to respond instead of actually hearing what i'm saying and gets so defensive. I wont play the victim here, I like to think I listen with the intent to understand in a way that he does not, but I do think that I sit there waiting to hear what I want or need to hear and then get upset when it doesn't happen. I know i'm not perfect, despite how often he tells me I am, and know that there is going to have to be a big change in both of us for this to work out in the end. I'm willing to make the changes I need and I believe he is too.

For the most part I have been doing good with keeping my thoughts in check the last couple of days, but there are times when i'm not paying attention that they will sneak out from the back of my mind and I catch myself. I made the lock screen on my phone a quote that said, "Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best." When I found it it really spoke to me. I have a problem with over thinking and sometimes I need to remember that what ever will be will be, creating problems from overthinking are not going to help. I found that whenever I looked at my phone it only brought those thoughts to mind by reminding me of what I need to stop thinking about. It's hard to find that balance. At this point i'm going about this by making the conscience decision to dispel those thoughts instead of feeding the fire. I keep making ridiculous accusations in my mind out of nowhere, without even having thought about the matter to begin with. The way I feel is that I had to make a conscience decision to believe him and that he is now telling the truth and not hiding things. I have the ongoing battle of telling myself that that is NOT what is happening daily. I'm not ignoring the thoughts, that wouldn't be helpful. I'm having the thought and deciding that, even with the complete lack of trust, I am choosing to believe that he is honest in his activities that are away from me and he is not indulging in his old pattern. I know the road to having that trust in him is going to be a long hard road, but its not going to just magically happen. I'm going to have to consciously make the effort to plant that seed. It's a lot easier knowing that he is putting the effort in and trying to do his best with his part of all this. The last thing I want to do is go into this blind without thinking it through. I need to know that I trust him instead of just telling myself that I do.

Writing things out is what is ultimately helping. Taking those dark thoughts and pushing them out into the light is what is helping me really cope with everything. Its like laying in bed in a dark room and seeing the big scary monster in the corner and turning on the light and realizing its just the pile of clean laundry you're too lazy to fold and put away. You realize what it is and then you choose to fold it and take it out of the equation of scary possibilities when the lights turn back off. I think that we need to make more of an effort to have conversations, especially on good days. Being able to be happy with one another and have a constructive conversation that ends well can only condition his mind and mine that this doesn't have to be a breaking point. He can be open to me about his struggles because I wont get mad as long as he tells me and is upfront about it, which is ultimately the problem. I don't know how I would have responded had he told me straight out, but at this point with how we've handled this I would like to think that despite the inevitable hurt it would bring at least he was being honest. I need the honesty to be a constant to really believe in my trust for him.

 

Thank you for sharing. I need the reassurance that things can and do get better. I appreciate the support and will remember to take it slow. It's hard for both of us and I want to make this as easy as possible to get through.

 

What hurts the most...
I think what hurts the most about this whole situation and what i'm really starting to deal with the last couple days is that feeling of not being enough. I know the things my SO did were brought on by his own insecurities, he has for the majority of his life felt like he was never enough and having the satisfaction of having people want him was so satisfying for him, hence the sexting to other girls. The problem is is that he WAS enough for me, I loved him unconditionally and tried to show him how much I wanted him and us and knowing what he did makes it hard to feel like I did enough. I think that not thinking you're enough but being so much more is not as terrible a feeling as thinking you are enough only to find out you aren't. I'm not sure why this is all hitting me now, maybe its just the next stage of grief. I was fine thinking that I maybe had a higher sex drive than him because I would be the one to initiate intimacy and he would turn me away on occasion. Then finding out that even despite my efforts he was texting some other person instead of coming to me. He has told me many a times that i'm more than enough but it's hard to believe that when the evidence says otherwise.

This may be coming up more prominently because of his job. He started recently at a new restaurant and has made a big change in the kitchen and has been getting the recognition that he deserves. I don't want to sound unsupportive because I couldn't be happier that they're realizing what a great hire he is and all the hard work he has put in. I guess what really bothers me is that I met him when I worked at a place he was managing at and I know how easy it is to get close to someone under those circumstances. That's the same situation when he had cheated, it was one of the bartenders that he worked with. That situation is a little different as the bartender instigated a good majority of it, not that my SO is off the hook for that situation by any means. I know I've been distant and struggling with depression recently and it scares me to think that he's getting all this positivity and recognition from the people at work that he will feel the satisfaction that I cant give him right now. I know that him feeling like he isn't enough is only escalated when he can't make me happy when I get to feeling this way, he's putting in the effort and seeing no change where as at work he gets exactly what he needs. Having such a lack of trust is so hard to work past this when my mind is constantly creating all these invasive and negative thoughts. I want to tell myself that it's not true but when the scenarios are far too real its hard to see past them. Its like i'm stuck in a never ending cycle of depression and anger and feeling so much inadequacy. I didn't ask or deserve any of this, I was faithful, loving and trusting and I got the shit end of the deal. There is such a love that makes me want to see and help him through this and to beat his demons, but I cant get past the feeling that I was never enough from the beginning. I've never felt so inadequate in my life and its starting to worm its way into other aspects of my life. It sucks that nobody ever tells you how long it'll take to make it to the acceptance stage or that you'll go through all the other stages multiple times in varying degrees of severity before you make it there.