It's Time to Stop. (Insert Filthy Frank clip here)

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by tooningupforlife, Nov 21, 2018.

  1. tooningupforlife

    tooningupforlife Fapstronaut

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    Hi. I ordinarily start by sharing my name, but I guess we kind of shy away from that here.

    I haven't decided how often I will write, but it seems like daily is a decent exercise, with a short entry.

    I'm a Christian. I was exposed to porn at the age of twelve, developed an addiction beginning at age 13, and confessed my sin to a close friend at the age of 18. I am 23 now. The road to recovery has been bumpy, unpleasant, and at times discouraging.

    Part of this has to do with my family history. There was a divorce, and I strongly believe that my mother couldn't love me fully because I reminded her too much of my dad. (He stayed in my life and invested in me and inspired me to a career in illustration.)

    These past few weeks I've been writing a letter to my mom to try to speak my mind about some things and try to repair the relationship. This has been one of the worst, most unpleasant exercises I have ever participated in, and it's been honestly terrifying. I plan to talk to my dad too.

    I am a Christian. I believe that spiritual creatures, good and bad, are active on the earth. I believe that evil spirits torment and frustrate men of all kinds, particularly men who are trying to break free of sin and become more effective for the kingdom of God. The letter that I am trying to write, I believe, constitutes such an exercise to breaking a stronghold. My worst relapses and unstable periods have happened around major growth periods of my life, as well as your bog standard addictive manias and stress breakdowns.

    These past couple weeks especially I have become unstable, and have wasted several mornings before work on pornography where I would normally be investing in my craft of illustration.

    I have been in communication with my wife about my addiction since before we even started dating. She has been an encouragement in my worst and lowest times. She does not know about my most recent relapses, and I have not broken to her that I want to abstain from sex for a while.

    I have been starving my heart and spirit of the empowering experience of friendship since starting a new job. I haven't talked much to good family or friends, and I believe that it's been another element of my crumbling posture.

    I'm reconnecting to the world around me. I'm putting up new fences. I am reaching out and trying to grab hold of the lifeline and start climbing up again.

    It's time to stop.

    I'm glad the world is seeing porn for the vicious thing it is, rather than let it go completely unchecked. I'm glad I don't have to feel alone or strange. Let's go forward.
     
  2. tooningupforlife

    tooningupforlife Fapstronaut

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    It's been roughly three hours. I'm starting to thirst for the fix already. I know I can't have it. I've just set my stake in the ground and I'm not going to move it. I will not be made a failure or a liar just moments in.

    No one's seen this thread as far as I can see, but I know you're all out there. Thank you for looking out for me and for each other.
     
    totoro97 likes this.
  3. churchillstuff

    churchillstuff Fapstronaut

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    @tooningupforlife Great decision man, i also made mine around three hours ago, we are all in this together. i wish you the best of luck. :):emoji_beers:
     
  4. tooningupforlife

    tooningupforlife Fapstronaut

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    One day. It feels good.

    It's not the first streak or the longest streak I've had, but I'm glad to be recording my progress and seeing it concretely in community. Great Thanksgiving. I hope it went well for some of you too.
     
  5. tooningupforlife

    tooningupforlife Fapstronaut

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    Another day. Did today's work and that was an alright time. Went to a wedding for a fellow parishioner. Glad to see the gift of marriage still going strong with people my age.

    Made it to the end of the day and found a curious remnant.

    There was a window open on my computer behind some of my work with a clip left over from the PMO binge I went on two days ago. It felt weird having it cross my sight again. Closed the window, deleted the history and buried the "open last tab" function. It's not coming back to haunt me any time soon.

    Still haven't fully restored my art habit, but we can always take things one step at a time.
     
  6. tooningupforlife

    tooningupforlife Fapstronaut

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    Another day. The wife had to get to work rather early which left me rather blitzed. I came back home and napped for a million years. Today has been far, far less than productive, but still good.

    Starting to have to fight urges again, but there's net filters there where there weren't before. It's an entirely different game now.
     
  7. tooningupforlife

    tooningupforlife Fapstronaut

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    It's Sunday. Day of the Lord.

    Was tired for a fair part of the day. Really appreciated the preaching.

    The evening service talked about how God makes His presence known and how He can feel far away at times. It reminded me of the years I spent drowning myself in porn to distract myself from broken family relationships and overall loneliness.

    There was a voice of sorts. A voice trying to remind me how porn was my "comforter". I know it was lying because the porn had only ever made me miserable by not filling the holes in my heart.

    I have to work on myself because I still feel lonely a lot of the time, but I've grown to a fuller experience of God's love, and have been privileged to marry someone great and make some great friends. I don't have life enough to spare on porn when there's work, love, and a mission to attend to out there.
     
  8. tooningupforlife

    tooningupforlife Fapstronaut

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    YOU BOYS THOUGHT I WAS SLEEPIN' ON YOU HUH

    It's been a busy couple days. Made a phone call to my dad and talked some stressful stuff out with him. Been working on my work situation and getting my hours and education up.

    You'll notice my badge changed. I am sad to say I still haven't told my wife about my latest relapse. It's one of those things where you think you can find a god time to talk about something when in reality there's just never a good time at all.

    All the same, I'm not suffering from truly debilitating effects of pornography. I'm perhaps just not as sensitive as I should be. It might be a cop out, and I'll accept that, but I do believe that it's of benefit right now for me to be really cleaving to my wife both emotionally and physically. In some fashion, the more experiences that I have with her, the more I reshape my brain to accept and hold onto her as my source of sexual fulfillment.

    Some time later it might be beneficial to have a proper reboot, but the long and short of it is I still feel the greatest need for my wife more than any pictures on a screen.

    More to be told as time goes on and I push away the porn.
     
  9. tooningupforlife

    tooningupforlife Fapstronaut

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    BLEH

    It's starting properly. The urges and desire to go fishing out stuff that I shouldn't be looking at.

    I never was much for just bingeing on a huge amount of pornstars. I've always been sentimental and romantic in large part because fo a broken home that I grew up in. There were always just one or two girls that I got really badly stuck on, and only wanted stuff on the one girl.

    It's insidious because of just how attached I get to the pictures, as if I'm connecting with the girl for real. It's troublesome.

    I'm grateful to have somewhere to express this publicly and regularly. Writing it out and pushing it out there gets it far away from me.

    DAY SEVEN LET'S GO
     
  10. tooningupforlife

    tooningupforlife Fapstronaut

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    Learning things. Getting visceral reminders of how much my body feels like it needs porn. Don't like it one bit. More later if I can get a little more time.
     
  11. tooningupforlife

    tooningupforlife Fapstronaut

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    Hey there. It's me again.

    I had some really rough urges. I actually got so carried away that I tried to draw porn.

    I could feel that weird trance. I could feel myself getting dragged off. And I got a better idea of that chaser effect that can be so dangerous when you let regular marital intercourse be part of the equation.

    I still haven't talked to my wife. I'm marching forward, and I'm feeling better than i have in a while, but gosh does it hurt. Boy, does it hurt.

    I'm not going to pretend that this will magically be the final reboot I have to go through, my history doesn't back that up. All the same, I do feel a certain confidence having gotten more invested in tracking my progress and working on staying more connected to the people who can help me.

    It's been an interesting time lately. I've had increasing business success because of an article that i was able to get published. That was really gratifying. I'm gonna write more so I can reach more people and help them. I think that'll be good for me.
     
  12. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

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    Wait, who is Filthy Frank ?
     
  13. tooningupforlife

    tooningupforlife Fapstronaut

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    My friend, I don't know if I can link you to one of his videos in good conscience. Not because it's pornographic by any means. Filthy Frank's just... Really, really weird.

    My thread references this clip specifically: (caution: profanity)
     
  14. tooningupforlife

    tooningupforlife Fapstronaut

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    also i found out that tumblr's banning porn from the platform

    i'm cool with that
     
  15. tooningupforlife

    tooningupforlife Fapstronaut

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    Upped my hours at work. I have full confidence in the power of my work and the valuable labor I provide. It's may not be glamorous, but I like being able to take pride in my work and the way I improve the places I work for.

    The difficulty is ramping down, I think. Part of it probably has to do with the fact that I made it the first two weeks, which is usually a pretty big hump. We'll keep going from here.
     
  16. tooningupforlife

    tooningupforlife Fapstronaut

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    A little up and down for me these past couple days. I found myself trying to look at porn again. It was futile because of my filter, and I didn't end up seeing anything, but I still rode out the urge the wrong way. Gross. Gross, gross, gross.

    I started production on my art book, though. Did that most of the day and it felt really fulfilling to do. I need to do more of that, not trying to look at porn.
     

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