It's been too long...

Katrina Rose · Mar 22, 2019

I thought I could navigate all of this on my own...
It appears I was wrong.
Things have been pretty okay in the relationship I suppose. But of course there's still that elephant in the room. Always staring back at me, laughing in my face.
Three therapy sessions later, a change to my anxiety/ptsd meds and here I sit. Frustrated, lonely and depleted entirely.
I've forgotten what a normal relationship feels like. What is it like to not have knots in your stomach to the point of nausea every time your SO closes the bathroom door? What is it like to not feel panic when they are home alone? How do you sleep at night, peacefully, after not having sex for days and not wonder if it's because you're not enough? Or because they have already satisfied themselves, leaving you a ball of nervous energy ready to explode. What is it like to go grocery shopping and not witness your SO undressing a dozen women with his eyes and imagining himself fucking them? How does it even feel to be safe anymore? How does it feel to be relaxed?
Of course at one point I knew all of these answers. I had light in my eyes. I had a fire in my soul that was ignited under falsehoods. I had hopes for a future together, felt peace in his arms, knew that he had my heart and that his was only mine. At least I thought I knew.
I'm so tired. Not a second goes by without the anxiety and fear. Not a moment of peace and clarity. For months these feelings ceased to exist within me and I finally felt like things were progressing to a state close to normal. But I was wrong.
Subconsciously I've made a tally of every girl he's fantasized about right in front of me. The brunette in the yoga pants at the grocery store. The 16 year old blond barely wearing clothes shopping with her mom. The scantily clad girl at the restaurant. The high school girl shopping for oranges. It goes on and on.
I've found myself vying for attention from other men. If you can't beat them join them right? I spent hundreds of dollars on new dresses, tanning, makeup. Some men smile at me while we're out. I used to be oblivious to every other man out there. But now, now I'm desperate for someone to look at me like he looks at other women. I even think if one asked me for a date I would oblige.
I thought, after all of the horrible things I've been through that I could come out unscathed.
I was wrong.

Lostneverland · Mar 22, 2019

Hey Katrina..I think you just expressed beautifully what every woman feels. Thing is this isn’t about you . Your partner is the one with the addiction. Don’t carry his guilt and shame.
You are worthy of respect, love, devotion, and ALL the other good things in life.

There’s a post that has resources for partners of addicts and the addict. One video is directed toward the woman and why and how you ended up in this type of relationship. It’s really really good...please watch it.

Don’t sell yourself short...hold your head high. Be brave and courageous.

hope4healing · Mar 22, 2019

I understand everything you said...and I wonder about the very same things. It only makes it hurt more that they can be so oblivious to the damage they're causing with their addiction-feeding behavior. But, please understand that it isn't because you aren't enough. I know it's so difficult not to take it personally. I do it, too, sometimes.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. You deserve to be happy and to feel loved and wanted.

Lilla_My · Mar 23, 2019

Katrina Rose said: ↑

I thought I could navigate all of this on my own...
It appears I was wrong.
Things have been pretty okay in the relationship I suppose. But of course there's still that elephant in the room. Always staring back at me, laughing in my face.
Three therapy sessions later, a change to my anxiety/ptsd meds and here I sit. Frustrated, lonely and depleted entirely.
I've forgotten what a normal relationship feels like. What is it like to not have knots in your stomach to the point of nausea every time your SO closes the bathroom door? What is it like to not feel panic when they are home alone? How do you sleep at night, peacefully, after not having sex for days and not wonder if it's because you're not enough? Or because they have already satisfied themselves, leaving you a ball of nervous energy ready to explode. What is it like to go grocery shopping and not witness your SO undressing a dozen women with his eyes and imagining himself fucking them? How does it even feel to be safe anymore? How does it feel to be relaxed?
Of course at one point I knew all of these answers. I had light in my eyes. I had a fire in my soul that was ignited under falsehoods. I had hopes for a future together, felt peace in his arms, knew that he had my heart and that his was only mine. At least I thought I knew.
I'm so tired. Not a second goes by without the anxiety and fear. Not a moment of peace and clarity. For months these feelings ceased to exist within me and I finally felt like things were progressing to a state close to normal. But I was wrong.
Subconsciously I've made a tally of every girl he's fantasized about right in front of me. The brunette in the yoga pants at the grocery store. The 16 year old blond barely wearing clothes shopping with her mom. The scantily clad girl at the restaurant. The high school girl shopping for oranges. It goes on and on.
I've found myself vying for attention from other men. If you can't beat them join them right? I spent hundreds of dollars on new dresses, tanning, makeup. Some men smile at me while we're out. I used to be oblivious to every other man out there. But now, now I'm desperate for someone to look at me like he looks at other women. I even think if one asked me for a date I would oblige.
I thought, after all of the horrible things I've been through that I could come out unscathed.
I was wrong.
Click to expand...

Beautiful writing about such an ugly subject. You are not alone, friend. This is what we live with every single day. It feels like I've gotten a life sentence for something I didn't do. Like a slow, terminal illness. Every single thing of what you describe, I live through. All of us here live through it. My life as I knew it is over. The safety I felt was all a myth. I'm buried alive in this horrible box. Even if I were to leave my husband, I could never again trust anybody.

1dayattatime · Mar 23, 2019

Katrina Rose said: ↑

I thought I could navigate all of this on my own...
It appears I was wrong.
Things have been pretty okay in the relationship I suppose. But of course there's still that elephant in the room. Always staring back at me, laughing in my face.
Three therapy sessions later, a change to my anxiety/ptsd meds and here I sit. Frustrated, lonely and depleted entirely.
I've forgotten what a normal relationship feels like. What is it like to not have knots in your stomach to the point of nausea every time your SO closes the bathroom door? What is it like to not feel panic when they are home alone? How do you sleep at night, peacefully, after not having sex for days and not wonder if it's because you're not enough? Or because they have already satisfied themselves, leaving you a ball of nervous energy ready to explode. What is it like to go grocery shopping and not witness your SO undressing a dozen women with his eyes and imagining himself fucking them? How does it even feel to be safe anymore? How does it feel to be relaxed?
Of course at one point I knew all of these answers. I had light in my eyes. I had a fire in my soul that was ignited under falsehoods. I had hopes for a future together, felt peace in his arms, knew that he had my heart and that his was only mine. At least I thought I knew.
I'm so tired. Not a second goes by without the anxiety and fear. Not a moment of peace and clarity. For months these feelings ceased to exist within me and I finally felt like things were progressing to a state close to normal. But I was wrong.
Subconsciously I've made a tally of every girl he's fantasized about right in front of me. The brunette in the yoga pants at the grocery store. The 16 year old blond barely wearing clothes shopping with her mom. The scantily clad girl at the restaurant. The high school girl shopping for oranges. It goes on and on.
I've found myself vying for attention from other men. If you can't beat them join them right? I spent hundreds of dollars on new dresses, tanning, makeup. Some men smile at me while we're out. I used to be oblivious to every other man out there. But now, now I'm desperate for someone to look at me like he looks at other women. I even think if one asked me for a date I would oblige.
I thought, after all of the horrible things I've been through that I could come out unscathed.
I was wrong.
Click to expand...

Thank you for sharing this here. Somehow it is easier for me to hear it when it isnt coming from my SO. I needed to read this today. I want to say two things. 1. I agree with the women who have replied. You are worth love and care. You should not have to fight for the attention of your partner. No one should. 2. It takes a long time for us to change those ogling habits. I wonder how it is helpful for you to keep a list, but i know that it most likely doesnt feel like you have a choice. Only in the last few months have i not been looking at every woman that passes my line of sight. Hang in there. It is possible for change to happen, but he has to do it for him and that will most certainly not happen when you want it to. Regardless of his timeline you are going to have to go through the pain, that is unfair and terrible. I hope that you continue to get the support you need.

Deleted Account · Mar 23, 2019

You so summed up this misery beautifully. I'm so sorry so many of us feel this way and always will. I'm finding my breaking point to just say "screw it" is relatively close. That doesn't mean I don't love my husband, I just can't beat his addiction or ever will believe he's not doing exactly what you described.

It isn't you. None of us are to blame. But I know your heartache, the confusion and the fact we are ALL scarred for life over what we were led in to. Stay strong, be brave, and thank you for sharing.

AnAddictedDad · Mar 31, 2019

Katrina Rose said: ↑

I thought I could navigate all of this on my own...
It appears I was wrong.
Things have been pretty okay in the relationship I suppose. But of course there's still that elephant in the room. Always staring back at me, laughing in my face.
Three therapy sessions later, a change to my anxiety/ptsd meds and here I sit. Frustrated, lonely and depleted entirely.
I've forgotten what a normal relationship feels like. What is it like to not have knots in your stomach to the point of nausea every time your SO closes the bathroom door? What is it like to not feel panic when they are home alone? How do you sleep at night, peacefully, after not having sex for days and not wonder if it's because you're not enough? Or because they have already satisfied themselves, leaving you a ball of nervous energy ready to explode. What is it like to go grocery shopping and not witness your SO undressing a dozen women with his eyes and imagining himself fucking them? How does it even feel to be safe anymore? How does it feel to be relaxed?
Of course at one point I knew all of these answers. I had light in my eyes. I had a fire in my soul that was ignited under falsehoods. I had hopes for a future together, felt peace in his arms, knew that he had my heart and that his was only mine. At least I thought I knew.
I'm so tired. Not a second goes by without the anxiety and fear. Not a moment of peace and clarity. For months these feelings ceased to exist within me and I finally felt like things were progressing to a state close to normal. But I was wrong.
Subconsciously I've made a tally of every girl he's fantasized about right in front of me. The brunette in the yoga pants at the grocery store. The 16 year old blond barely wearing clothes shopping with her mom. The scantily clad girl at the restaurant. The high school girl shopping for oranges. It goes on and on.
I've found myself vying for attention from other men. If you can't beat them join them right? I spent hundreds of dollars on new dresses, tanning, makeup. Some men smile at me while we're out. I used to be oblivious to every other man out there. But now, now I'm desperate for someone to look at me like he looks at other women. I even think if one asked me for a date I would oblige.
I thought, after all of the horrible things I've been through that I could come out unscathed.
I was wrong.
Click to expand...

I have stumbled on this discussion by accident, while looking for something to motivate me having reached 90 days without PM. WOW, just WOW. Thank you for sharing. As a married man who has only ever had one lover (my wife) I have always felt my PM addiction is my problem and not hers. Exposed to P when young, the ease of access on internet does not help, and an outlet for my frustrations, has all "helped" to feed my PM addiction. My wife does not know the extent of it and does not know of my success on NoFap. I am so afraid of how she will react and thus am trying to solve this on my own, with, I'll have you know, the greatest success on this website. In 30 years of marriage, I have never been 90 days without PM, I am sad to admit. Anyway, not sure what I am trying to say here, except THANK YOU FOR THE INSIGHT TO WHAT MY WIFE MUST ALSO FEEL AT TIMES!

Susannah · Apr 1, 2019

AnAddictedDad said: ↑

I have stumbled on this discussion by accident, while looking for something to motivate me having reached 90 days without PM. WOW, just WOW. Thank you for sharing. As a married man who has only ever had one lover (my wife) I have always felt my PM addiction is my problem and not hers. Exposed to P when young, the ease of access on internet does not help, and an outlet for my frustrations, has all "helped" to feed my PM addiction. My wife does not know the extent of it and does not know of my success on NoFap. I am so afraid of how she will react and thus am trying to solve this on my own, with, I'll have you know, the greatest success on this website. In 30 years of marriage, I have never been 90 days without PM, I am sad to admit. Anyway, not sure what I am trying to say here, except THANK YOU FOR THE INSIGHT TO WHAT MY WIFE MUST ALSO FEEL AT TIMES!
Click to expand...

And I can assure that Katrina Rose's experiences and feelings are typical of many of the SOs here. Congratulations to you for reading her post and letting it sink in. Sadly, some of our husband's cannot seem to develop any empathy. You are on the right path.

Deleted Account · Apr 21, 2019

If I was your partner and I heard you say these things about me I would first acknowledge that I’ve shattered your trust, probably beyond repair, and that you should leave me. I know addiction is selfish but I would only hope I would have at least a drop of selflessness enough to tell you to leave. I was in an unhealthy complicated relationship with woman who also happened to be my best friend. We were both addicts and in a way I’m happy for that since I got to see my toxicity mirrored back to me. I’ve felt what it was like to feel wanted, loved, and sweet talked to unwanted, inferior, and used. I know the crippling feeling of being unable to no longer trust the one you loved and who you saw a bright future with; heck, that feeling is what brought me here. At the end of the day I had to accept that the truly loving thing both for me and her was to leave. I didn’t want to leave her because despite the shit I would remind myself of the good things about her. I still love her, however, loving someone doesn’t always mean having them in your life.

Thank you for sharing this painful post. I hope you find the joy and happiness in life again and that this painful experience doesn’t prevent you from opening your heart to others who won’t mistreat it.

Probably one of the worst things about addiction within a relationship is the addict, especially when it comes to PA, infects their partner with the same self-hatred, self-doubt, and lack of trust as they live with every day.

Addiction can be contagious.

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