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It's Been 1 Month

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by LadyDefiant, Feb 4, 2017.

  1. LadyDefiant

    LadyDefiant Fapstronaut

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    Ok, so technically it has been 29 days since my husband confronted his addiction and informed me about the situation. Normally I would say that isn't a lot of time but it feels like it's been ages. And not because it has been all doom and gloom but quite the opposite.
    In the last 29 days I have abstained from alcohol the entire time. This was in no way related to the PMO addiction of my husband, but more a new years thing for me. This is amazing for me, because I have often diverted to alcohol as means of ignoring difficulty. So I'm counting this as a victory.
    In the last 29 days I started a new job which makes me happy. It worried me at first because I knew my husband would have so much free time w/o me. In the past this would be his PMO time. But I knew that if I let his past actions and fears bother me I'd never break free of the cycle of worry. This has taught me that even though he has his own issues to handle, when I give him the benefit of the doubt and don't try to control the situation, he is forced to confront his issue and find his own ways of coping. This has been an excellent thing for us both.
    In the last 29 days I have been working towards understanding my role in his addiction. This includes but is not limited to:
    why did I ignore the signs/actions I saw along the way?
    what hurt me the most and why
    what issues in my own life have I been ignoring while I tried to control the failures in my marriage?
    Deep stuff I know. And while I don't have all the answers to those questions and I haven't even looked at all the questions I still need to ask myself, I feel better about myself as a result. I'm finally taking action to fix myself and that's great because I can't fix anyone else, and I've got a lot of work to do fixing me.
    And lastly, in the last 29 days I have been more intimate with my husband than I think we've ever been in our 9 years together. Which surprised me more than anything, because if you read my first post you know that we didn't even touch each other for the first 4-5 days after I found out. I'm finally getting that thing I always said I wanted in my marriage, intimacy. And to be honest it scares the hell out of me sometimes.
    In closing I want to say is that all these things have something really important in common, ME! I know that during this time it is so easy to fall into habits of control and distraction because the pain is all too real and it hurts more than any 1 person can handle. So you shouldn't handle it alone, for instance in a few hours I'm going to my first COSA meeting. This scares me, I hate groups, I always do things on my own. But I've realized that there are some things that I am terrible at, namely changing my bad behaviors, and that I need help and support. And I need someone to talk to about all the things that have happened in these last 29 days. All of these little steps and actions have the beautiful effect of reinforcing the other. Being present, focusing on my own well-being, regaining my personality and my body, these all work together everyday in my life now. They work better some days more than others but for the first time I feel like my life is going the way I'd like it to not the way I felt it deserved to.
     
  2. Good for you. I am glad that things are going well for you. I should take a leaf out of your book. I found out about my husbands third relapse on christmas eve (a two year relapse!!) and am still in hating him mode.
    Well done you for getting ahead of things
     
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.
  3. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations! Too many times we hear stories about things falling apart completely. We need to hear about these success stories to give othrs hope that it is possible for their situation to improve.

    Often when people arrive here it is the worst day of their life. They are out of options and are desperate for some guidance. They are exhausted from trying everything they can think of. But you have described exactly what needs to happen. The husband needs to work on himself. The wife needs to work on herself. And they both need to work on the relationship together. It only works when each person accepts responsibility for themselves. Sometimes our partner's progress is out of sync with ours. But if they are both working hard then something magical happens - beautiful moments of intimacy. Thank you for sharing your success story so far.
     
  4. WarRoom

    WarRoom Guest

     
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.
  5. LadyDefiant

    LadyDefiant Fapstronaut

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    I've had experience with this as well. It is almost as if the better you start feeling the more your partner feels the need to step away. And that is a very simplistic rundown of the point I'm trying to make.
    Here's my example, previously in my marriage I took care of cooking and cleaning w/ the husband helping out occasionally. Whenever I was (insert emotion here) I'd back off the domestic chores and he, sensing he was to blame (not always true) would become Mr Clean. Which would annoy to me no end. Cut to 2 weeks ago, when we're in the midst of our journeys to become better people and we make a deal to clean the house together so we can enjoy our day off. I start cleaning and he starts laundry but soon gets distracted and I've cleaned most of the house. It made me angry but because all of this was new I tried to rationalize it away. Thankfully he sensed my distress and realized his own mistakes and confronted me about the situation. He apologized and we talked and all was well.
    Is there possibly a history in your relationship that would explain why when you start to feel better your partner does less work? Is he actually doing less work? And I noticed you used the word "assume". If he's assuming everything is ok then I'm guessing you see things as not being ok. This is a slippery slope. If things aren't ok with you or with a situation you have to bring it up. We all like to live in our own delusional worlds of no responsibility, sometimes we need something to snap us out of it.
    I'm happy that you're learning your triggers and yes some days are easier than others, but this is why we take it one day at a time.
     
  6. WarRoom

    WarRoom Guest

    [QUOTE="LadyDefiant,
    Is there possibly a history in your relationship that would explain why when you start to feel better your partner does less work? Is he actually doing less work? And I noticed you used the word "assume". If he's assuming everything is ok then I'm guessing you see things as not being ok. This is a slippery slope. If things aren't ok with you or with a situation you have to bring it up. We all like to live in our own delusional worlds of no responsibility, sometimes we need something to snap us out of it.
    I'm happy that you're learning your triggers and yes some days are easier than others, but this is why we take it one day at a time.[/QUOTE]

    Hi LadyDefiant,
    Thank you for your insight, gets me thinking.....Yes, there is a history....because he has never TRULY worked a program, he only puts band-aids on things to eliminate tension and once everything seems like business as usual, he goes right back into the EXACT aloof feedback loop that inevitably leads to him using.

    One of the things my husband has done most over the years is "assume"......he assumes what he wants to about my feelings in order to avoid any responsibility.....and NO everything is not ok, it hasn't been for a very long time, I just CHOOSE to not let it negatively impact my moods. I have talked it TO DEATH and honestly, he has become so reliant on ME TALKING, that he DOESN'T TALK.

    Part of working a program is repairing the damage you have done to others. He is making no attempt to that, nor to understand the magnitude of that damage. His actions DO NOT equate what he says. If I am happy, then heck, all is good, he doesn't have to do anything. At least that is his logic.

    No delusions here, eyes have been wide open for a very long time and I have CHOSEN to stay in this. I took accountability for my responsibility a long time ago, and continue to monitor myself closely, part of working a program. That is what makes this more frustrating.

    Bottom line, my husband does NOTHING to talk about anything unless I am screaming from the mountaintops and I just can't do that anymore. I am unable to maintain my peace under such circumstances. I have been in this long enough to recognize the same ol' song and dance, except this time, I have no interest in singing or dancing along. What that means, I don't know yet...working on that......in my war room prayers.

    I know this, there is a lot more to working a program than getting rid of the action itself and sharing your war stories online, that is just the first step.
     
  7. BeautifulWarrior

    BeautifulWarrior Fapstronaut

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    That's awesome to hear! Having to face our own demons is a scary thing but so worth it! Remember it's one day at a time; sometimes moment to moment, but you got this lady! You are more than a conqueror! We need so badly to be the love we've always needed....isn't that a wild and painful journey in itself. We need to try to build ourselves up, love ourselves more so that if things don't go the way we dreamed then we are strong enough to handle it; we are so sure of who we are. Your post inspires me to fight harder and I want to thank you for that; thank you for being vulnerable by sharing your heart with us. All the best in your healing journey!! ❤✌️
     
  8. BeautifulWarrior

    BeautifulWarrior Fapstronaut

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    Hi LadyDefiant,
    Thank you for your insight, gets me thinking.....Yes, there is a history....because he has never TRULY worked a program, he only puts band-aids on things to eliminate tension and once everything seems like business as usual, he goes right back into the EXACT aloof feedback loop that inevitably leads to him using.

    One of the things my husband has done most over the years is "assume"......he assumes what he wants to about my feelings in order to avoid any responsibility.....and NO everything is not ok, it hasn't been for a very long time, I just CHOOSE to not let it negatively impact my moods. I have talked it TO DEATH and honestly, he has become so reliant on ME TALKING, that he DOESN'T TALK.

    Part of working a program is repairing the damage you have done to others. He is making no attempt to that, nor to understand the magnitude of that damage. His actions DO NOT equate what he says. If I am happy, then heck, all is good, he doesn't have to do anything. At least that is his logic.

    No delusions here, eyes have been wide open for a very long time and I have CHOSEN to stay in this. I took accountability for my responsibility a long time ago, and continue to monitor myself closely, part of working a program. That is what makes this more frustrating.

    Bottom line, my husband does NOTHING to talk about anything unless I am screaming from the mountaintops and I just can't do that anymore. I am unable to maintain my peace under such circumstances. I have been in this long enough to recognize the same ol' song and dance, except this time, I have no interest in singing or dancing along. What that means, I don't know yet...working on that......in my war room prayers.

    I know this, there is a lot more to working a program than getting rid of the action itself and sharing your war stories online, that is just the first step.[/QUOTE]
    I know what you mean....I feel like my partner is doing the same thing. He's down and out and feels bad about his actions for a couple days until I start to come around and let my wall down and become "happy" again, and then he thinks it's all good and he'll go and relapse shortly after; then he'll make it out to be like im the one being angry and ruining everything...truth is I never got "happy" again, I was just learning to survive. I don't want to just survive anymore!! I want to thrive!! He was doing very little to fight his addiction and I was doing all the fighting as if it were my addiction to beat?? The cycle just keeps repeating itself every couple weeks and I'm left broken and him ashamed. Anyways, I'm realizing I had to finally put my foot down and give him an ultimatum; I deserve a better life than this and so does he; so he's joined NoFap now, he's journaling every day, and he started reading the Word again. He's making a better effort than he's made in a long time. And I need to move myself away from his stuff and love myself more fiercely than I ever have. You need yourself more than anything! Sounds like your already taking the steps to take care of yourself. I get it lady....the heartache and frustration, trust shattered....I totally relate....one day at a time right; moment to moment. Love yourself today ❤
     
  9. LadyDefiant

    LadyDefiant Fapstronaut

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    I'm so glad you are working your own program in spite of your partner's lack of action. I can't imagine how difficult and frustrating that most be at times.
    Keep up the fight and I wish you all the support in the world no matter what your ultimate decision may look like.
     
  10. LadyDefiant

    LadyDefiant Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for this wisdom, ĺoving myself exactly as I am is something I struggle with daily. But I know it is something I need to do throughout this process and beyond.
     
  11. LadyDefiant

    LadyDefiant Fapstronaut

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    An update
    I did go to that COSA meeting Saturday and it provided a much needed release. I felt welcomed and relaxed to be in the presence of women who had been exactly where I stood. I was able to vocally admit the issues my husband and I have been having this past month in a safe place and that was an awesome feeling. I haven't spoken to anyone about our situation except in this forum.
    I left feeling renewed and ready for the week.
     
  12. BeautifulWarrior

    BeautifulWarrior Fapstronaut

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    I used to go to those meetings as well. It's so nice to be able to relate to people who are going through a similar struggle as you...to have your voice heard in a safe place. At times you feel so isolated and alone....we need to reach out for support. We weren't meant to walk this journey alone. Good on you for having the courage to go! Glad to hear that it helped you. Wish you the best ahead!
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.

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