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It's all my fault

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by naonaise, May 31, 2018.

  1. May 31, 2018 #1
    naonaise

    naonaise Fapstronaut

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    Well. He relapsed two days ago. And while he made it a point to depart from his previous patterns of lying and gaslighting, instead choosing to be truthful and honest with me the immediate morning after, I still feel like absolute shit. I still blew up in his face. I panicked and have frankly been panicking nonstop. I feel like there is something so intrinsically wrong with me and that he'll never ever kick this habit away because I'm just not good enough and therefore just not worth the continual effort.

    The day he told me, I spiraled downward real quick. It triggered some pretty bad suicidal ideation that I'd been keeping at bay pretty well actually. (Don't worry, I am seeing a licensed professional and will be medicated within the next 30 days.) He went very far out of his way, not only mentally and emotionally but physically as well, to pull me out of it. Then the day after he told me, which was yesterday, I went over to his place. Not going to lie, my sex drive was murdered by this. We had been doing well the past nearly two whole months of progress. But he swiped it off the table in one fell swoop. I was practically shaking in my existence when we napped together. My performance anxiety is back tenfold. I couldn't (and never really could/never really can) produce physical proof that I am aroused. Drier than the Sahara. I feel like that's why he needs more. Because I can't do my job. I feel like some part of him resents me. I feel like my impending impotence makes him feel unwanted and so he goes to his best girls who make him feel more wanted than I ever can or will. Sure I'm here for the emotional and for the non-sexual physical satisfaction. But when it comes down to it, it's all just my own damn fault all of this happened. Because my body is the stupid way it looks, and because it can't perform like it's supposed to.

    It's all my fault.
     
    naonaise, May 31, 2018
    naonaise, May 31, 2018
    #1
  2. May 31, 2018 #2
    hope4healing

    hope4healing NoFap Moderator
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    Please understand one thing...none of this (addiction/behavioral choices/relapse) is your fault! I completely understand how you feel and why you're feeling this way. I feel like this myself sometimes, and although it is incorrect, it is understandable given the circumstances. His addiction is not because of you or anything you've done or haven't done. It isn't because you are not enough or because you don't respond the way you think you should. He would have this addiction even if you weren't together.

    I understand that this seems like it has to be because of you. Nearly every SO goes through these feelings. It's normal to take it all so personally, but regardless, it is not your fault. I have to cut this short but will write more later. Hugs.
     
    hope4healing, May 31, 2018
    hope4healing, May 31, 2018
    #2
    Kenzi, Numb, TryingHard2Change and 1 other person like this.
  3. May 31, 2018 #3
    Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    It really isn't your fault, none of it is your fault. You aren't alone in your feelings on this though. I still struggle sometimes with feeling not good enough. Thinking of course he goes to p, I'm nothing. But you really need to push those feelings away, they are doing nothing to help you heal. I know it is really hard to do sometimes. Just remember his addiction isn't because of you, his relapse isn't on you either. He did it and would have done it with you, without you or with someone else. Please try to be kind to yourself. You are worth it, it is just sometimes hard to see through all the pain.
     
    Numb, May 31, 2018
    Numb, May 31, 2018
    #3
    Trappist, hope4healing and Kenzi like this.
  4. Jun 2, 2018 #4
    naonaise

    naonaise Fapstronaut

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    How does one message on here? I’m still a nooblet.
     
    naonaise, Jun 2, 2018
    naonaise, Jun 2, 2018
    #4
  5. Jun 3, 2018 #5
    Deleted Account

    Deleted Account Guest

    None of it is your fault! I know that can be hard to believe. And people say it, and you probably read it and say "yeah, yeah" to yourself and dismiss it. But seriously, none if this crap is your fault at all. It's his problem. You can do what you can to love and support and help him, but at the end of the day, he is a grown man who makes his own choices, and that is NOT on you. And if he blames you for any of it, then that is total crap and denial. This is coming from the perspective of an SO and an addict. I've been on both sides of the fence, and I can say 100%, my husband's actions are not my fault, and my actions are not his fault. I hope you can come to believe that.
     
    Deleted Account, Jun 3, 2018
    Deleted Account, Jun 3, 2018
    #5
    Deleted Account and Jennica like this.

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