Its a boundary, not a punishment....

Have you talked to @TryingHard2Change?

 

I definitely think she is setting boundaries.

I know personally that I am strong and capable of living alone and don't NEED Jak. I want Jak, but don't need him. Jak, on the other hand, is very NEEDY. As in he can't stand being alone, or by himself or if I am doing something. For me, when I take space, like asking him to sleep on the couch if he fucked up, or just wanting to do my own thing until he does recovery things he is confused and hurt and takes it so personally. Truly it's not to be taken personally but to be matter of fact. I am not trying to punish him by taking space, in fact, I am trying to keep him safe from my own emotional turmoil and temper with triggers. I don't want to yell at him and be triggered and lose it. I rather work through the emotional turmoil to a point that I can talk calmly about it with him. Hence the space.

If you do not do X, then Y is the consequence. It's not a punishment, it's more of, we SO's are not going to continue to give 100% (emotionally, physically, sexually, etc.) if the PA doesn't even want to meet us half way. So we distance to protect ourselves. Doesn't mean we don't love the PA, often we really want connection but can be too scared to be the initiators.

There are times lately where my husband is like, "I am trying to talk to you" and I am shocked because I've become to used to him being distant that I have distanced myself that when he tries to talk to me, I am on autopilot for distance that I haven't been able to pick up his signals for wanting to connect. Honestly his efforts have scared me a bit because I am wondering if there is an ulterior motive or if it's suddenly going to stop. So I connect, cautiously.

I think that when it comes to sex, lots of SO's have felt negative things regarding sex life with a PA and honestly sometimes the PA has been sexually abusive (not saying you, just some SO's on here have talked of that), and that is some hard stuff to face and move forward from. Even having a spouse be sexually selfish can be extremely hurtful.

Has she ever tried journaling? Journaling can really help work through tough feelings. I know that's been my coping skill I've used when I am feeling triggered, hurt, or know there is a topic I still need to work through.

 

well, I'm not an SO, but here's something...

Thor, we have both noted previously how parallel our journeys have been in some respects. this is one: until recently my wife was in EXACTLY the same place. she didn't like the porn, even said she hated it - but couldn't say why. she claims she never felt jealous, or like she was competing. since like every SO here, feels incredible anger, and trauma, and some try to compete, i never understood my wife's position. then out of the blue, after a few sessions of couples counseling, she literally wakes up in the night and realizes she is super mad at the porn. and mad at me for taking the easy way out with porn, rather than doing the hard work of making a relationship work with her. this came with no cognitive build up - just bam in the middle of the night. uber-wacky to me - but progress IMO.

I assume she had all that bouncing around in her all the time - but for some reason she hadn't connected to it and identified it. she has actually had 2 such "nighttime disclosures". I guess that's how her brain works.

we share this too. joy. we have argued over this for years. she claims "Nothing I did was enough" and although I don't say it , I'm thinking "what did you ever do?!?!?!" To me her sexual repertoire and need is about 20% of what I would call "normal." so, like you, I have blamed her. and I also get the same bullshit about "me not liking me" being the problem.

all that anger ever got me was feeling upset and 25 yrs of shitty sex and then 5 yrs with no sex. quite the situation I have negotiated.

BUT... here's where I am now. I do believe she has issues: intimacy issues, sex issues, control issues. BUT I have handed her the keys to my happiness. I have made myself a victim. Blaming her for my unhappiness is exactly me being a victim. and I am done with that. I still fall back into it (I have lots of experience! and it's total habit), but I'm trying to reframe it as much as possible.

so looking back when we had a sex life - I wanted more from her, but did nothing to make it happen. I let her set the tone, the frequency, the duration. she showed little desire, but since I waited for her to initiate, I probably showed even less. so I'm working out how this should look. when my therapy starts up again i plan to attack this with her help.

i feel you man. I have lived this for so many years - my wife seems to have very minimal need to real emotional discussion. we can talk all day about meaningless or parenting stuff - but the deeper stuff is almost always problematic - for both of us.

you are probably correct. i believe my wife is just not very emotionally connected, and not very used to digging stuff up and giving it voice. but for whatever reason she has started making some progress with it. i have to assume your wife is acting somewhat unconsciously out of anger and hurt and trauma that she hasn't given voice to. we almost have to ignore whatever words do come out (i mean pay attention, but sorta ignore the specific words and don't engage them) and just let them do whatever they are going to do. Even more importantly, i believe i need to quit being a victim, quit being passive-aggressive - and learn finally to act grown up and do what is correct. Lead. be responsible for my own happiness and fulfillment.

i don't know - does any of this connect and apply to you???

 

Right. Your examples make sense. I'm sure you have also communicated your boundaries to Jak. In @Thor god of thunder example above (as far as I can tell) the X is thor not agreeing with his wife concerning how finances should be handled and the Y is physical separation and emotional silent treatment. Am I missing something? This does not seem like a "healthy" boundary to me. Thor doesn't even know what boundary he is crossing. How can this be beneficial for anyone?

 

I'm assuming it's not just about finances.... I'm sure there is deeper hurt and anger, and the finances are just the catalyst or a reason for her to take some space.

For my husband and I, given his horrid financial skills, we have financial boundaries as well in our marriage because if we didn't we'd be in a stupid amount of debt, so there are agreements as to how money is spent and saved. When Jak doesn't comply, you can bet I get angry and distant because it's usually money being wasted or it further impacts our poor financial situation.

Now, I don't know @Thor god of thunder and his situation, but maybe there is something more than just finances happening that has created the distance... and i also don't know if finances have been an issue throughout their relationship. If the issue has been there, and there has been no change to make things positive, then that could have sparked her reaction. Who knows? Only Thor and his wife. Thor can ask his wife or try to calmly talk about finances and he can try to share his perspective after listening to hers and maybe they can try to be in each other's shoes about the issue. See why each person is taking the side they are taking.

For example, I want to save 10k so we can save for a condo, Jak wants to spend money on car tools and take out. I get upset when takeout happens too much (as in +$500 a month) because then there is no chance for us to save for a condo and I feel trapped in my parents basement and I don't want to be in the basement anymore. Jak says he needs food, that he can't survive without a meal. I call BS. You can survive, you may be tired, and exhausted, but you'll survive. Jak says because I'm anorexic I can't look at it clearly. As you can see at this point we are already in a fight. If I take a step back and look at his situation, I see that he wants food so he has energy to to a physical job. If he takes a step back he can see how spending money everyday keeps us from the goal of moving out. Then we can somehow come to a compromise. compromise = take left overs to work, and we have take out/go out to dinner twice a month as a date.

I don't know what the financial situation/fight was about, but sometimes taking space, clearing heads, and coming back when calm can help. And making sure that you can sit back, and actively listen to your partner, reflect back what you heard (so they understand you understand them) can truly help when it comes to conflicting issues.

 

The anger can stay around awhile... Consistency, integrity and transparency (honesty) are keys to moving through it.