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Issues with sex, feelings of pressure, probably breaking up with gf

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by hyenadogcat, Jul 20, 2018.

  1. hyenadogcat

    hyenadogcat New Fapstronaut

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    Hey,

    Just looking to share my story and see if anyone can relate, have a discussion or anything really.

    I have been with my GF over a year now. There's been some rocky times. I'm 27 and she's my first GF.

    I tried sex first when I was 16, twice with two different girls and I absolutely failed both times. I'm pretty sure it was performance anxiety then which couldn't get me up. From there on as it was terribly embarrassing I was scared it might happen again so I avoided everything that went further than a kiss. There's been boats of depression, anxiety, self loathing and much more since then, but I managed to get my life on track finally around 5 years ago.

    All this time of course since I didn't get laid I spent getting off on porn, developing some fetished even though I think I have a natural disposition towards them since quite little. But anyway I then kind of thought that maybe regular sex is boring, but I still wanted love and relationship.

    So finally after some searching I manage to find my current girlfriend. I avoided sex initially and I did not dare to tell her about my fear of sex and anything like that. Scared of losing attraction and so on. I tried to leave an impression of a player rather than someone who is scared of women and sex.

    Anyway luckily soon I managed to be honest in this regards and she was understanding and accepting then.

    But I still had trouble a lot with sex. I have had extreme troubles with trying to enjoy sex. I always feel under-pressure and overthinking through out it. Even if I have abstained for 1-2 months, which I have tried several times during our relationship.

    Everytime I fail in bed she pulls to herself and will not smile, will not talk, I will feel terrible. I have repeatedly told her it's anxiety and I'd like if she was more understanding and even if I fail she would stay positive about it, because otherwise next time we try I'm more scared about the end result of her pulling to herself, but I guess she can't really control that as well.

    After some period of time I start to think that I want to PMO so bad I think my girlfriend is an hindrance because I had to promise her that I will stop it in order to improve our sex life. Fapping is no pressure, I don't have to worry about being hard to pleasure someone else and I can just focus on it. It's really difficult to abstain for those reasons. I have also lied to her that I haven't done it even when I failed to abstain because I know it will affect her negatively and I don't want to create more stress for myself. But oh well, it's all stress anyway. Lying about it.

    Anyway now I think we are breaking up because she's not satisfied sexually enough. She asked me to put in more effort towards the bedroom for her satisfaction, but as I was in self loathing mode I just kind of stayed silent and told her I don't think I have the energy.

    Anyway fuck this all, we are probably breaking out and I won't be able to get out of this mess this time. I'm not sure if the relationship is worth it or if relationship with anyone for me is worth it if I can't really not feel the pressure of performing.

    I'm afraid even if I abstain for half a year I still won't be able to do anything meaningful. I have had periods where I did it just maybe 7/10 during the 6 months period, but I didn't really see that much progress so it's really hard for me to justify in my head NoFap when I constantly keep fantasizing.


    I think I have to let her go even though I love and miss her badly.
     
  2. Why don’t you try something different. Talk with her. Be open about your problem as you are. Take the pressure off that you must be succeeding otherwise this is a cramp that you will not overcome. Tell her for example you want to make it super exciting for her. Offer her to work hard for her. Offe to Pleasure her orally very long. And take extra extra time for it. Use s vibrator in addition. Maybe she is into things like ...well I don’t spell out here but anal play. Shift from having to succeed to a different play. If you get hard in doing so great. And if you don’t have to you might very well. If not. It’s not the point. You make her come multiple times. Take a whole 6 hour afternoon and cherish her. I give this advise because I want to help you shift the problem into a offering and pleasure for her and relaxing the issue you have.
     
  3. If you can do the things she likes it will show, and build your confidence.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  4. hyenadogcat

    hyenadogcat New Fapstronaut

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    Will see if that happens. We've been not talking for 3 days now I think. I don't think she will take it. She probably expected me to figure out something earlier how to make up for it. After a relapse or any such failure - very difficult to find motivation once again. Even if I did do a day of pleasure for her, what about the other days? If I failed now how can I expect myself to be stronger later. I just can't visualize myself succeeding at this. I'd like to think I'm good for the relationship in other aspects. Trying to improve her career, other parts of life etc, but sex is extremely important to her. It's also important for her to see that she attracts me for her self esteem. She probably hurts even when I try to pleasure her in other ways, but still seeing me failing to get it hard for her as if she was not sexy. I tell her in my opinion a lot and way more than I'd like to (I'm not naturally a person who'd share a lot of compliments) - positive reinforcement regarding her body and looks, which I'm proud of by the way for having her as a girlfriend. She said she deserves more, in the sex department. I wouldn't blame her for that, but something about me is still feeling a little vindictiveness about it. I feel like I might need more some time alone, before I would actually start feeling okay about trying to make up. But I'd think it's too much waiting for her side. The feeling is almost surreal, being without her since we've been seeing each other pretty much every day. I get completely lost in what is right, what is wrong and what is fucked up. Can't figure out whether I'm being childish, selfish or she is, or we both are, but couldn't tell who's more and to what extent.
     
  5. Communication my friend. If you value her, talk with her and see how she feels. My experience is, they will tell you, the question is, do we really listen.
    You can do it.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  6. Exactly!!: any go extra miles. Many girls like riming. I do. I know of friends that do and guys that tell me
     

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