Is this ok for him to do?

I think having real fantasies about someone you are in a committed relationship with probably falls along the lines of acceptable. It’s a slippery slope as any sexual imagery could cause triggers or urges and invite a relapse. The fantasy and porn use is also kept secret. The point of rebooting in a relationship with me is to replace a false connection of pixels, with a real life person. Psubs and oogling are also off the table, as that was another manifestation of the addiction having control over my life.

So I think it could be considered normal and healthy to fanatisize starring an SO or partner. In order to remove the secrecy and lying, one should tell their SO they were fantasizing about them, and what it was. This would be some verbal intimacy. Perhaps the way it is described is lewd or too dirty, and may not be acceptable to hear from an SO. I think it would be healthy to find appropriate words that they can use to talk about their fantasy with you. So don’t get upset if it’s too gross, talk about it and make suggestions on “better” or more “acceptable” words to use that may not have a negative connotation for each of you. It may inspire you in the bedroom, it may make you more adventurous, it may just let you know what your partner likes or don’t likes.

On the other hand, I’m not entirely certain correcting flashbacks with new sexual imagery is the smartest thing to do. I would always push them out or try to think of something else entirely. I guess it is worth trying, and if it works for avoiding P or fighting urges or stops them all together, then it might not be that bad after all. If the frequency reduces, then it sometimes sounds like it isn’t harmful.

 

I agree with what @NF4L is saying. I think of it this way in regards to myself not being a PA. When I would find myself feeling a bit Randy it was either feeling it first then I would think my hubby or thinking of my hubby first then feeling Randy, either way I was naturally wanting my hubby. I would imagine him and us, how he felt and all that but I was never turned on by someone or something else first.
There is a natural attraction to your SO after all but there is a slippery slope with it falling into just being a Psub but I think that’s up to you and your hubby to define.
If his goal is to not MO then that’s where it could slippery with a reboot especially if he could end up transferring his potential randyness from from flashbacks to thoughts of you, I would see it as Psub rational like replacing porn videos with videos of you in the mind sorta thing. Having corrective measures by dealing with flashbacks should be made but not sure if choosing to replace flashbacks with new sexual thoughts of the partner is a good thing in the long run. The flashbacks will fade and as intimacy with the partner grows it will naturally replace the negative. If it’s a feeling of being turned on by thinking about your partner, wanting and anticipation to be with them I kinda see it as personal mental forplay then it’s more natural and healthy.
I hope this helps, still working on my first cup of coffee.

 

I would focus more on the positive aspects rather than the negative. The big thing is he is spending the time to recognize and correct the flashbacks. More importantly he is talking to you about it.
Are you doing checkins on a regular basis? This might help assuage your fears as they aren’t unfounded. This gives him the opportunity to tell you if he corrected any flashbacks, or had some urges. It allows you to gauge how much hold the addiction still has on him. It gives you the opportunity to ask questions of how he corrected, what he did to fight it, and what is working. Hopefully you can even ask him about his fantasy about you when he uses it to combat the flashback, if you want to know. It all promotes conversation, dialog, and vulnerability. The keys to healthy relationship.
If you aren’t having these discussions, of course you are going to worry. You don’t want the recovery to be a black box, wondering if he is using, having temptations, or how he is coping with triggers and urges. It’s never too late to start talking and shed a light onto the recovery. It may be hard at first, but it gets easier with repetition.

 

I don’t think your comment is rude at all, I understand trying to figure out the rationale, how you internally feel about things especially when they don’t line up.
I do agree with you, it shouldn’t just be sexual thoughts we are more than that and I can understand what you’re feeling.

 

When you describe it this way imo it is not healthy for an addict trying to recover. As an ex so a big issue that came up was that my ex was just transferring the porn addiction to me. That did not solve the problems it made them worse. Because in bed he would still have a solo experience I was just there to look out not another human seeking pleasure. He needs to be diverting these thoughts to something totally different that has nothing to do with sex. When he thinks of you he’s still getting the dopamine hit just from you not porn. Now I know that as SOs of addicts we are often happy to be thought of and desired get our partners in that way as most of us have not been in so long so we may be inclined to think it’s a good idea at first but it’s prolonging the pmo mindset.

It’s hard for those of us in NoFap world who are not addicts to separate what’s normal in non pmo world. In non pmo world it’s totally normal to have sexual thoughts about your partner on the regular. It’s also normal for both men and women to have sexual thoughts about people we encounter and are attracted too. But in pmo world those types of thoughts can be very dangerous! I don’t know if men who have been pmo free for a long time like years are able to return their fantasizing about their partners and I would invite comment from those men who are there. I suspect if the issues underlying the pmo are resolved then they could. But honestly part of my concern with my ex was the we would never be able to have a normal relationship.

 

Sorry for such a late reply we were both incredibly busy with work. I know @NF4L had more thoughts on it.

@GG2002 said it well. I believe the difference between healthy and not comes down to intent. If he is intending to replace sexual thoughts with other “more excepting replacement” to continue to do it then I would say it falls to a more non healthy Psub area.
I would think it would be wiser to stop himself from thinking about M and replace it some other non sexual thoughts or distract himself all together. I think of it in terms of betrayal trauma for me, when you get stuck in the negative thought process I have to stop, literally telling my self to stop. If it doesn’t work then I think something different or focus on something different and positive. I don’t replace it with another negative thought.

The healthy side in my mind is a genuine desire to be thinking of you, holding out for you in anticipation to have intimacy with you.

@NF4L belives and I agree that if you two are able to have the conversation about the content (more details) it could open up more honest dialogue between you too help build emotional intimacy so the imagery and M thoughts can loosen it’s power. Possible bonuses is that this could also help with what you both enjoy in bed, might be open to or not interested all together. Emotional intimacy that could possibly bridge a gap to physical intimacy. I believe that’s healthy too unless it’s all porn induced and he would be the only one to have the self awareness to distinguish it.

I see it as good that he stopped when he realized what he was doing. It sounds more like a trigger of his to M, so in practice that would mean he would need to treat it as you would a trigger.

 

No, edging is masturbating (M) for ages and always trying to last longer without hitting orgasm (O).

My understanding of edging is this: Avoiding O, while prolonging M, novelty, seeking and brain reward circuit trashing etc.

And no, fantasising during a reboot is not recommended at all, no matter the content, and I would agree with that. If it's not real, no deal. It is P-subbing in this case, it seems, which is not helpful at all.

 

Agree with Kayesem.

Your husband has a lust problem. Specifically, you want to avoid lust that is not generated and shared by your shared physical intimacy. If you are his only means of arrousal when face to face, you will get 100% of his sexual energy. It sounds like that’s your goal.

 

Agree with @GG2002. This is basically a form of P-Subbing. Doesn’t matter if you are the porn, it’s still porn. You’re enforcing the addictive cycle of porn—masturbation—orgasm which will only make the addiction harder to overcome. Your PA needs complete removal from Porn and all it’s variants.

Real sex and intimacy is the you MGR needs—not vids or pics.

 

It’s not bad but he needs to stop. When an Addict stoops using Porn his brain tries to get that dopamine hit from another source—bikini pics, social media etc. when those aren’t available Addict Brain will start invoking fantasies or old memories b/c it doesn’t know the difference. A dope hit is a dope hit and just thinking about sex will get the drip going.

Him thinking about sex with his awesome beautiful wife is great. But not while he’s in recovery. He should try to only think about sex when he’s having it with you. We don’t want to risk him “pornifying” you, know what I mean?

Real sex, intimate, connected, mutual. Not imagined, fantasized one-sided in his head.

 

No, it's not wrong, it just slows down recovery.

I don't think fighting it is needed, just not to feed into it, encourage any fantasies or dwell on them. I base my approach from Gabe Deem's Reboot Nation videos, and find what he says to be true in my experience. I can link to a video if you want to see for yourself, he just mentions it among many other little tips for helping the reboot process. You want to let the old porn pathways die off, while building and reinforcing the new pathways. Your SO fantasising is likely to light up those same P pathways that you want to die off, and therefore to slow down and impede his recovery. Does that make sense?

I don't think it is a question of right and wrong. It is a question of what is best to help healing and rewiring in the brain, and what is not such a great idea. Thinking of SO is not wrong, it just does not support him and his efforts to heal. The more you scratch, the more it is going to itch, sort of thing.

I recommend just showing him the Reboot Nation videos, as Gabe does a great job of explaining, and listening to anything by Gary Wilson if you haven't already.

There is no set time limit for recovery. Some heal very fast, within weeks, others it takes years. That's just how it is.

I think if he is directly responding to you and you flirt with each other, there is nothing wrong with that, so don't feel like you have to shy away from being intimate together. I think it is very sweet of you to still want this in your relationship and there is no need for him to get lost in fantasy during such situations, you are just turning each other on. I would recommend being careful and respectful in the timing sense, for example; If you flirt heaps in the morning but then you don't have time to get together, that could lead to him thinking and possibly fantasising all day long until you have a chance to be close again.

Whereas if you just flirt as a form of foreplay before actually having real S, then that seems totally fine and natural to me.

Please keep in mind to take all of this with a grain of salt, I am rebooting alone and without a partner, so a lot of this is theory. I hope some of it helps a little and makes sense though. Just take what is useful and leave the rest. I wish the best of luck to both of you and hope you can find healthy ways to work through this together : )

 

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