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Is this normal?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by ShamefulSpouse, Aug 18, 2018.

  1. ShamefulSpouse

    ShamefulSpouse Fapstronaut

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    Hi, I’m new to this whole thing and I have SO many questions. My hubby was recently diagnosed with a porn addiction. I’ve been a bit blindsided by this and I’m learning a lot. My question is.... he’s always been extremely selfish in bed. He rarely touches me during a sexual encounter, and if he does, it’s not for longer than 10 seconds. Is this a normal trait of men who are addicted to porn? He has DE and sometimes PIED, but this whole time I thought I was just bad at sex and couldn’t get him off/turn him on. I have lots of insecurities about this still. He just started therapy with a CSAT and we started a reboot this week. I know we have a long journey ahead of us but I’m just curious if this explains some of his other behaviors.
     
    Reverent and kropo82 like this.
  2. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    Hi @ShamefulSpouse, welcome, and I'm sorry that you're in this situation. The answer to your question is yes, it's extremely common for porn addicts to be disconnected in bed. You didn't cause his DE or PIED. It was always caused by his addiction to porn.
     
    Trappist, Jennica, Kenzi and 3 others like this.
  3. ShamefulSpouse

    ShamefulSpouse Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. The weird thing is because this has always been the case for 5 years, I just went with it. I finally expressed the concerns to him since we’ve been in “full disclosure” mode, so I’m hopeful things will possibly change.
     
  4. ShamefulSpouse

    ShamefulSpouse Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for your kind words. I really do believe that he is serious this time. When I found out about his usage again after months of him promising he wasn’t, I broke down. I suggested counseling. He is an alcoholic who has been sober for 6 years, and said he was doing it only for stress relief when he felt like drinking, so he used porn instead. He said he walked into counseling thinking that the person was going to tell me I was crazy and needed to have a higher self-esteem. Instead, she administered a test to him privately (couldn’t tell you what it was) and affirmed that he had a sex addiction. The weird thing is I have a higher drive than him, I was always wanting it and he would mostly go along with it, but it was never enthusiastic (for lack of a better term). He has accepted this much easier than I have. He has read two books this week (“Your Brain on Porn” and “Out of the Dog House”) and said he thinks his addiction to porn actually came first, which I wasn’t expecting. I think we’re on the right path, mostly because it hurts so much. He’s been brutally honest with me, but it’s so much better than questioning what he’s saying to me.
     
    Trappist and hope4healing like this.
  5. ReadyToStop

    ReadyToStop Fapstronaut

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    Hi @ShamefulSpouse . I'm really sorry this is tough but you seem like the right person for him to take this journey with. You're asking the right questions and I hope you two can get through this together. I, along with lots of the guys here, am addicted to sex. I hope I can shed some light on what's going on.

    Online porn has opened the floodgates on just how deep a dopamine addiction can get for a man. It becomes this high speed, intense hunt for more and more imagery that gets more and more intense. We all start out looking at pretty basic content only to start craving more and more intense stuff because the ability to finish gets more difficult. We're built to hunt for sexual gratification. In the old, pre-internet world it would quickly become impractical to have access to such high caliber, curated sexual imagery. Now things are different and we all feel like we're flying off a waterfall where there used to be a stream.

    Here's what is going on in terms of our sexual desires and ability to perform:
    1. Our brains are craving the things we've gotten used to seeing. Heels, outfits, lighting, crazy positions, etc etc.. Disgusting and bewildering as it must seem to you, those things are engineered to please us. They work. You shouldn't feel self conscious because we did this to ourselves. This will change after rebooting.
    2. The actual physical grip of our own hand on our own penis starts to get tighter and tighter. Eventually the actual physical requirements of getting hard requires that, so masturbation becomes necessary rather than normal sex. This will change after rebooting for a while.
    3. PIED is because of both points 1 & 2. I was driving my wife crazy because I was becoming really selfish in bed. The reason? I couldn't stay hard. I needed to raise the level of stimulus anyway I could. I needed to jerk myself off and never stop while intimate, so I wasn't touching her ( sound familiar? ). I wanted to put her in all sorts of exhausting positions and situations because it was the only way to stay hard.
    None of this has anything to do with my amazing wife. She's just as beautiful and exciting as the day I met her. Now that I'm PMO free for 14 days my sex life with her is getting better. I'm more patient and my erection happens more easily. I also use ED pills ( I'm 47. It's really helpful ). The ED pills have made me so much more patient & less selfish. I'm no longer afraid of easing down because I know my erection won't vanish.

    Okay, I hope I helped. In conclusion, all of these things will get better once he quits PMO. It might take months, but it will get better. Monitor him. Make him use this community. Talk to him. Most importantly, don't become insecure and don't get angry. He needs your help.
     
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  6. ShamefulSpouse

    ShamefulSpouse Fapstronaut

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    Wow. This is so helpful and insightful. Thank you. Since you have been so open, I wonder if you can answer another question for me?

    I believe my hubby has been PMO free since 2 weeks ago. He has asked to try to reboot until at least September 12th, which would be one month from us going to a CSAT. I know everyone has different ideas of a reboot, and his is no PMO at all, which means no sex with me either :( It has been 5 days and I asked him last night if he had any urges or at least wants sex with me, and he said no....

    That hit me in the gut. He did say he’s waking up with morning wood now, which he usually never did, so there seems to be progress. Did you experience anything like this? Was your desire towards your wife less? I just want to FEEL wanted again.
     
  7. ShamefulSpouse

    ShamefulSpouse Fapstronaut

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    Agreed. Luckily he has been receptive to treatment and is seeing a CSAT weekly. I see the guilt and shame he feels. He does not want addiction to control him so he’s motivated. I really believe in him. It may not be perfect, and certainly not a situation I ever thought we’d be in, but I believe in him.
     
  8. ReadyToStop

    ReadyToStop Fapstronaut

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    Yes, thank you for the correction @GhostWriter . That makes much more sense.
     
  9. ReadyToStop

    ReadyToStop Fapstronaut

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    Of course! Anything at all..

    Your spouse is a sex addict and you're inquiring about wanting sex. You might have to wait a while. Try to understand that's kind of like asking an alcoholic to have just one glass of wine. He's trying to do a lot of things right now. It's not just stopping PMO. It's trying to understand what this addiction has done to him. What makes me relapse? Does sex w/my wife make me want to look at porn after she goes to sleep? Do I have to tell my wife about the specific acts in the videos that turned me on? What if I can't perform for her? What if the dopamine that enters my blood causes me to want more? What if I fantasize about porn while we're doing it?

    I am personally in non-PMO mode but I'm active with my wife, but hesitantly. I'm afraid my path to recovery is going to be compromised. She, unlike you, doesn't know anything about the porn so I'm making this decision all by myself.

    He's lucky to have a wife that feels that way. Men are attracted to things we need to hunt for. Why don't you PM me and we can talk a little more about that kind of stuff. I might have some advice.
     
    Healmyheart likes this.
  10. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

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    I have experienced it... :( She wanted me, but I only wanted to sleep...
     

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