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Is this how it feels?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Mixtec, May 24, 2017.

  1. Mixtec

    Mixtec Fapstronaut

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    I found out about my addiction to porn back in November 2015 when I realized I couldn't get an erection. So most of 2016 has been spent on and off streaks of nofap. 2017 so far has been good until back in March I fell into another porn vice of paying webcam girls. Ultimately I was able to fight it off and the urges for that went away after much needed counsel from yall on here.

    Anyways, I stopped "counting days" since I feel like I always felt more free whenever I didn't even think about it and just tried to live my life without pmo. Whenever I did keep count I would feel like I was fighting an uphill battle, I would get angry and fap.

    These last months, I have had some mornings where I've woken up feeling hopeless and in despair. Some nights cried myself to sleep for feeling so alone. I wasn't suicidal but sometimes I felt like it'd be better if I didn't exist.

    So I decided to start spending more of my nights/mornings in prayer and reading the Bible's book of Psalms. I suddenly am now feeling the urges of visiting more churches in my areas in hopes of finding new friends and possibly a girlfriend. Today I will begin attending a mens support group for those battling addictions. I tried to start a long distance relationship with a girl I had known for quite some time online but I don't if it wasn't right timing or maybe just not the right time?. It didn't once occur to me to watch porn or fap but rather instead I've started praying more. I've had several mornings where I wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I should just fap to get over her but I keep forcing myself to get on my knees and just pray.

    The changes I'm noticing is almost unbelievable to myself that I often just cry for joy. Without porn I actually have the urge to seek friends and actually talk to girls in real life. I no longer feel ashamed to tell people about my addiction. I used to resort to binge watching porn after any kind of rejection, loss, or failure but now I think prayer has saved me. I used to spend all day fantasizing about women naked and or having sex with them but never actually engaging them. Now I long to just talk to a woman, feel her embrace, and get to know her even if she doesn't want anything other than my friendship. I guess with porn it was easy getting over any girl because you could fap and you fill the void with a fake feeling of fulfillment. Of course I am not 100% perfect but this feels so good to not be dominated with perverse thoughts constantly...I pray that every single one of yall can feel this feeling. I'm not who I was back in 2015 missing out on all the beautiful girls I missed out because of porn. Thanks yall and God bless yall
     
  2. NoBeatPete

    NoBeatPete Fapstronaut

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    Kick ass dude, sounds like you're doing well. Keep at it.
     
    Mixtec likes this.
  3. Atlanticus

    Atlanticus Moderator Assistant
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    VERY inspiring! You seem to have "found the way!" HURRAYYYYY!
     
    Mixtec and David0895 like this.
  4. David0895

    David0895 Fapstronaut

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    Congrats friend. And my best blessings.
    I always presume about what has also helped me a lot and is taking cold water baths at the beginning is difficult but I have been bathing for 25 days, I have 10 years in this addiction or since I have masturbated alone that makes a couple Of months I noticed that this was a big problem, a damn addiction and for fates of God's fate or blessing I found this page that helped me a lot even though I had about 4 relapses before carrying this wonderful streak.

    Now I have more willpower, more energy, more security and more courage to say and do things. Since before I felt insecure. At the moment I have a wonderful girlfriend that although she does not know of my damn addiction and my great challenge that this carrying, I hope that when it comes time to have intimacy with her is in the most healthy, romantic and loving way possible and to find a new David And more successful than before.

    A big hug from Mexico, my best blessings.


    be strong.
     
    HappyDaysAreHereAgain and Mixtec like this.
  5. Mixtec

    Mixtec Fapstronaut

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    Thanks guys...everyday is hard and everyday I have to remind myself this is for my own good. Yesterday I attended a mens support group for the first time ever and shared my porn addiction story. It felt like a load was taken off my back. I also listened to others confess their same struggle with porn and other addictions they were battling. It just feels so refreshing to be able to live without thinking perverted thoughts!
     
    YorkGO and Happy Man like this.
  6. Happy Man

    Happy Man Fapstronaut

    I'm happy for you : )

    Who needs porn anyway
     
    Atlanticus and Mixtec like this.
  7. Mixtec

    Mixtec Fapstronaut

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    About to enter my 3rd week without social media and this is a brief part of story lol...

    Suddenly after all this "free" time without online distractions...I realized it was the last thing after porn that kept me distracted. I noticed I became really needy emotionally with some of them girls. They were just as petty because they'd hit me up when they needed some random guy to tell them they looked good/pretty/sexy. Without it now I'm like what the heck do I do or talk to? I woke up Sunday morning and decided to attend a church thats down the road from my house. The preacher spoke about being stuck in a place too long that you begin to think that is how the rest of your life is going to be. That's what social media was doing to me. I'd spend most of my time talking to petty females and calling them up but never having any kind of actual relationship with them, ya know what I mean? I was just using them to feel like I was desirable. They was just using me when they just needed somebody to remind them they was still good looking. I never had the courage to actually walk up and spit some game to girl. I was just settling for any kind of affection from a girl. I began to think it was normal. Not good.

    Also today I drove up to visit my sister and apologized for holding a grudge against her for 6 years. I chose to ignore her all those years and she was my ONLY sibling. I spent almost half of my 20s seeking affection and affirmation from petty females while hating my sister. I was such a mess.

    With that being said after 30 days I will probably log back on just because Ive learned my lesson now.
     
    HappyDaysAreHereAgain likes this.
  8. HappyDaysAreHereAgain

    HappyDaysAreHereAgain Fapstronaut

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    When you log back on, you will be wiser and use it better. If you ever realize you are losing control of social media, you will back off, because that is not who you are now.
     
  9. Mixtec

    Mixtec Fapstronaut

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    Been fighting depressive thoughts suddenly...I guess its just withdrawal symptoms again? The mens support group Ive joined makes life just a bit easier to walk in. I don't understand this struggle sometimes because I have my own house, car, good parents and sister, and a job I enjoy working at. Whatever the case I will keep on fighting and resisting...no more ever going back to old habits and old ways that were only damaging my soul.
     
  10. Mixtec

    Mixtec Fapstronaut

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    4th (and maybe final?) week without social media. 3rd week hardmode no PMO. These have been the most hardest and most depressive weeks of my entire life and I am turning 27 on July 8th. Last time I felt this way was back in 2008 when I gave up weed and alcohol. Today I feel so good and thankful that God has given me another chance to fight this evil in my life. I wrote a rap song back in 2016 when I barely began to understand my porn issues and how it affected my life
    This song I wrote and recorded called "reset"


    This other song I wrote and recorded in January of 2017 called "let me go"


    By the way its all christian rap so just fyi in case you dont want to listen
     
  11. Mixtec

    Mixtec Fapstronaut

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    Just returned home from a weekend getaway at the Smoky Mountains North Carolina USA. Didn't once think about watching p, m, or o during my mini vacation. I realized though that from now I will learn to live and immerse myself in the moment. I had so much social anxiety but as I was up in the mountains I understand now that I brought this addiction upon myself because I refused to get out more and talk to people.

    Keep fighting....a reminder to myself as I enter my 4th week of NO PMO
     
  12. favre4ever

    favre4ever Fapstronaut

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    Keep up the good fight brother! The enemy is always trying to shoot us with fiery darts, but it's the armor of God that protects us. I enjoyed your lyrics also, keep using your talents to bring glory to Jesus!
     
    Mixtec likes this.
  13. Amir Tak

    Amir Tak Fapstronaut

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    Awesome man, Its nice to see others soar high when I'm struggling. It is very re assuring to me
     
    Mixtec likes this.
  14. Mixtec

    Mixtec Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the encouragement! If it wasn't for God placing certain people and me finding out about this community I honestly think I would've just ended up pulling the trigger on myself because the depression was driving me crazy. I see the light now and man does it seem like happier days ahead.
     
    favre4ever likes this.
  15. Mixtec

    Mixtec Fapstronaut

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    Efffffff man! So I finally logged in back onto social media just a few minutes ago and I already feel depressed. Girl I was talking to already moved on with another dude.

    Ffffffffffkkkk....Im trying not to relapse but damn that ish hurt...
     
  16. favre4ever

    favre4ever Fapstronaut

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    Yeah that sucks... But man God has a plan for you and an amazing woman for you! This girl either just isn't the one, or will come back later. Just trust that its in Jesus' hands, and you know that he will never let you down as long as you are on the righteous path and seeking him. We both know that if you relapse that your depression will only deepen. DON'T DO IT! FIGHT!
     

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