Is this HOCD?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by gglplxian, May 11, 2019.

  1. gglplxian

    gglplxian Fapstronaut

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    Liked females in the past, all the time, never even once had a gay thought, then I suddenly got one a few months ago and it just spiralled from there. I obsessed about it but I didn’t do any compulsions. Then I had a gay fantasy which I climaxed to which I was horrified at. Then the reassuring started. I first tested myself by looking up gay tests and shit like that and I would get that reassurance but the doubt kept coming back each day, leading to more reassuring. I looked at gay porn (just images, too scared to actually watch it) masturbated to it, didn’t really get an erection but then why did I get off to a gay fantasy. So then I stumbled across this website and all these posts saying people watch gay PORN and they get aroused and jerk off to it. I thought that coz I had a fantasy in my mind and not on a screen my situation wasn’t HOCD, which panicked me!

    I also once played this gay sex game as a sort of compulsion (giving bjs etc.) and I found that I got an erection quick which fucking made me depressed and anxious.

    I’m seriously hoping NoFap will help me with this situation.

    Is this really HOCD??
     
  2. bken

    bken Fapstronaut

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    Testing, checking and obsessing are all signs of hocd.

    I masturbated to gay fantasies all the time. But the moment I put myself to the ultimate test by taking another man's genitals in my mouth I didn't like it one bit. But the fantasies just kept on going even after my little experiments. It's probably desensitization, however, if you literally can get an erection when you're naked with another dude without it involving some weird desensitization induced sissy fetish or something, you should at least consider the possibility of being bi. We all have X and Y chromosomes and we're all somewhere on the scale so we are all not 100% straight in a sense. You don't have to obsess over it but it's true that a porn habit will make the gay thoughts and obsessions unbearable. Definitely stop the porn because it will only feed the constant nagging. In time you'll realize most of your fantasies have been there because of desensitization to women in porn and escalation to more shocking stuff. Get this, anxiety is arousal. If you fear being gay it will be what turns you on the most sooner or later. Dopamine and adrenalin are extremely close to one another. There's a fine line between pleasure, excitement and fear. It's porn that hijacks these systems in the brain and you will have no say over your own sexual fantasies the moment you lay your eyes on porn. Dr. Judith Reisman first described this as erototoxicity. Porn completely overrides volitional control. Porn is something that "happens" to you when you see it. It bypasses the evolved part of your brain. The fantasies will get worse and worse if you keep watching porn. Then when you are done, of course you'll be depressed since porn shuts down this human part of you, your neocortex, and all you do is undergo your most animalistic instincts, over time, this will involve fetishes and fantasies about gay sex if that's what keeps the pleasure systems in your brain going. This is beyond your control, which is exactly what is feeding your obsessions from the moment of climax. There's some who will object and say that if you have gay fantasies, you must be gay. That is simply not true. Not if you didn't start jerking off to guys right away. Desensitization is a very real process. In my case it got so bad my attraction towards women in porn would evolve into something more sinister, being autogynephilia, imaging yourself as a woman when you fantasize about sex. Stuff like this is advanced addiction and involves physical brain changes, even in the structure of your brain, even grey matter loss, no joke.

    It's no coincidence that the part of your brain that processes porn when you see it, is also the part that is involved in things like fear and feelings of shame and guilt. After the high always comes the down. You need to understand that the part of your brain that uses reason, that knows you aren't gay, is inactive when you watch porn or masturbate to the fantasies you are getting. The blood flow to the frontal lobes literally decreases when you are jerking off to porn and all of the energy goes to the reward circuitry. It's this system that will not give a damn about what fantasy or gender you are masturbating to as long as it gets the endorphins going. Again, the more shocking your fantasies will be, the higer you'll get. Anxiety by definition is arousal.

    It's this insight that will help you understand that porn has its way of tricking you into believing there's meaning to the fantasies you despise the most, but if your heart protests, you will know your addiction got the better of you. The best way of finding out who you are really attracted to, is the most simple one. If you can't imagine kissing a guy and find the thought repulsive, you aren't gay or bi.

    Hope it helps.
     
  3. gglplxian

    gglplxian Fapstronaut

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    Thanks a lot man (sorry I late reply).

    The thing is, I often notice guys butts when they are bending down or standing or something and this spikes my anxiety and panic so much. I mean, I don't get aroused by it but why do I keep noticing them? Even when my friends and I used to slap each other on the ass for laughs and makes jokes like "dude look at that guys ass" and act gay I sill wasn't aroused, I just found it funny. I've stopped now but I still keep noticing guys butts. I do notice girls butts as well but then I obsess about whether I notice girls or guys butts more.

    I also notice my brother's butts and slap them to annoy them. Could the noticing be just a bad habit resulting from the constant butt smacking??

    Help I'm panicking.
     
  4. GaryMayor

    GaryMayor Fapstronaut

    First of all, panic gives you nothing. What you need is to think about it in a cold way and understand what is going on. Most likely it is porn-induced HOCD, because it started to occur at one point of time and you are not aroused by men. Of course there is chance that you are gay or bi, but you are so afraid, that you try to hide it from yourself.

    What I suggest? Try 90 day reboot and after that try to rethink whole situation. There is a big chance that problem disappear after giving up porn.
     
  5. gglplxian

    gglplxian Fapstronaut

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    Ok I'll try it (again). But I was wondering if I should go completely cold turkey or wean it off little by little. Coz I've been reading a lot or posts about relapsing and I myself have found NoFap very difficult so I want to try a different method. Is this an ineffective way or...?

    P.S what are thoughts on the whole butt thing coz that's really stressing me out I know it's embarrassing...
     
  6. Habbapop

    Habbapop Fapstronaut

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    So yeah, cold turky it is man :)
    It sound ALOT like HOCD. I relate to alot if it ! Been there done that !

    And it just gets messier the further down the slope you go. So quit wile you are not that far down !
     
  7. gglplxian

    gglplxian Fapstronaut

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    I keep thinking about the game I played coz you play it with other people and I thought since I got an erection while blowing another guy in the game I am convinced I am gay.

    Is this true or just desensitisation??
     
  8. Xaviar.marshall

    Xaviar.marshall Fapstronaut

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    I'm 17 and my whole life as far as I can remember I have liked girls..ever since my brothers showed me porn at the ripe old age of 9 years old I have been hooked...it would get out of hand I would want my female cousins to sit on my lap...because I liked it the feeling of a female body on mines...this was at the age of 10 years old mind u ....so I grew out of that weird ass phase and I began to watch porn alot...first I went from ass jobs..to titty fuck to penetration...then later along the lines I found that getting boring so I ventured into more hardcore material like face fucking..and I did watch hentai and 3d shemale porn alot to..so then the fateful day, the day that my hocd symptoms kicked in...I was in the middle of watching porn and my best buddy said he was gonna write a song about me...and I felt myself holding back a smile...then BOOM, the floodgates of questioning myself came into play...i would question myself..have nervous breakdowns in my bathroom.. review my past and see if I showed any signs of early gayness..then the what i hope is hocd began to manifest in a weird way. I began to fear certain things, like I could not wear a certian shirt or color shirt or I would turn gay..or I have to carry change in my pockets or I would make my self do certian tasks like I have to finish writing this word before my music finishes..and I would feel good if I did the task. I also began to worry that this new kid thought I was gay or was gay himself because he would constantly look at me from the other side of the room. Then I would check if I was attracted to dudes by looking at them and seeing if my pupils were dilated. I often looked up internalized homophobia, how do u know u are gay, can someone turn gay over night, etc.. I would stop hanging out with my bros in fear that I would devolpe feelings for them...I became isolated and didn't talk as much as I did..meanwhile before this i was girl crazy ..i had a type (a women who watched anime and i could be myself around her..nice slum body, long curly hair, and often light skinned) but then I began to realize that all girls of any color are attractive...but I loved curly hair. I was girl crazy and everyone knew..but I couldnt get a girl in highschool one girl did like me and said i was her boyfriend but i didn't like her like that I was just her friend in my eyes because I had the eyes for another girl so we dated for 5 minutes...in the 9th grade mind u..and I often said the reason for all these rejections if due to me not liking her and that God was punishing me..I just need help idk what to do any more ..I would often say "i like girls and I will always like girls". Then one day I woke up and the anxiety was not there so I was scared that ment I had indeed turned gay and I wanted the anxiety back...I need help idk if this is hocd.. I have not been diagnosed with hocd but I have it man...is this even hocd or am I just in denial...it have striped all sexual energy tword women away man ...one point was where I was noticing all the flaws on a women and idk what or y that happened...what do I do man I'm so scared I dont wanna be gay
     
  9. gglplxian

    gglplxian Fapstronaut

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    You can’t turn gay, if you have always been attracted to women you will always be so. I’m still battling HOCD so I’m probably not the best to give advice but I also had those days where I woke up and be like, “I’m not repressing my thoughts anymore and I don’t feel any anxiety” but I think that’s because I kept thinking about it. The more you think about something, the more likely your brain will get used to it, thus you will not feel as much negative emotions attached to it. This is my assumption only though and I might not be entirely correct.
     
  10. gglplxian

    gglplxian Fapstronaut

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    Can anyone help me with this?
     

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