Is This Going to Be a Lifelong Struggle?

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by moominfindinglight, Jun 30, 2018.

  1. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    Hello there...

    I'm happy to say that level 3 is accomplished (4/4 days). I think I didn't have the effort to have any pmo related thoughts or actions because I had my period two days ago. However, the last days are always dangerous, so I need to be very vigilant the upcoming week, go one day at a time and not take anything for granted.Withdrawal related mood swings have been terrible (definitely augmented by pms) but hopefully they'll start evening out after 2 weeks of no pmo. They never go away, I guess, just become more controllable and eventually too minimal to feel.

    Honestly I'm scared of relapsing, scared of that vicious cycle, most of all scared of the state of oblivion I go through while relapsing, like I'm deliberately blocking that internal alarm in my head that tries to stop me from doing it. ' O God, I take refuge in You from the evil of my soul and from the evil of the devil, and from committing wrong against my soul or bringing such upon another person.'

    @mmail6950 Thank you. I know how that feels, hope she's doing well! The isolation IMO is the worst part of it, but hopefully in the long run this will be an opportunity to learn about oneself.

    [1/1] Day: 12.07.18 COMPLETE
    13.7. pmo
    [2/2] Days: 14 - 15.07.18 COMPLETE
    [4/4] Days: 16 - 19.07.18 COMPLETE

    [1/8] Days: 20 - 27.07.18

     
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  2. mmail6950

    mmail6950 Fapstronaut

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    Do you see yourself as an addict or do you believe that abstinence will work for you?
     
  3. goodnice

    goodnice Fapstronaut

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    You will get through the withdrawals. Expect them to come in waves.
    Keep going..
    In your mind, respond i will
     
  4. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    @mmail6950 Both, I think... I've thought about this a lot, and frankly I've tried to convince myself for a loong time that I'm not an addict, that this is just a 'bad habit', especially that the frequency of p use was not as high as every day or more than once a day (although with masturbation it was more frequent), but noticing how I kept falling for it despite wanting to stop I started doubting my addiction 'status' . In Gary Wilson's book is stated:

    'Researchers know that in all addictions, despite their differences, chronic dopamine elevation
    tips specific neurochemical dominoes, which bring about an established set of core brain changes.
    [76] These, in turn, show up as recognized signs, symptoms and behaviours, such as those listed in
    this standard addiction assessment test known as the ‘Three Cs’[77]:
    1. craving and preoccupation with obtaining, engaging in or recovering from the use of the
    substance or behaviour;
    2. loss of control in using the substance or engaging in the behaviour with increasing
    frequency or duration, larger amounts or intensity, or in increasing the risk in use and
    behaviour to obtain the desired effect; and
    3. negative consequences in physical, social, occupational, financial and psychological
    domains.'

    I think I identify with those 3 indications, so yea guess I am addicted.

    @goodnice Thanks, I will :D
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2018
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  5. TheManDude

    TheManDude Fapstronaut

    Damn, I relate to this a lot... I've try to tell myself that it's just a little problem and that I can just not do it and it will go away but thats just a lie and really harmful one.

    The bright side is that knowing what is the problem is the first step to solve it so keep going, living one day at a time is the way of getting rid of this addiction.

    Good luck!
     
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  6. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    @TheManDude Indeed! Thanks and good luck to you as well!
     
  7. mmail6950

    mmail6950 Fapstronaut

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    well I can give you some tools on sex addiction. how to write out a first step and how to write out your inventory, i have a whatsapp group or you can just send me a message if you are interested. also there is a website called "intherooms" they have a video SAA group tonight. the site is really amazing.
     
  8. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    @mmail6950 Thanks for your suggestion, I thought recovery from sex addiction is quite different than pmo since it involves real contact with real people, isn't it? Or do the same steps and tools apply for recovery?
    Well for the time being I'm sticking with journaling here, so far I'm trying to exercise my discipline and willpower muscle which has atrophied to a huge extent,but thanks again... Could you tell more about the nature of that website? I went on it but you need to register to see any of the forums...
     
  9. theoptimist

    theoptimist Fapstronaut

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    Don't give up, It is doable. Learn from every and each mistake.
     
  10. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    Hello there,

    8 days passed by, at turtle pace, had mood swings, some terrible urges, the most dangerous of which was today, luckily it passed and now I could say goal 4 is officially accomplished :D

    I have to say , I could feel things starting to even out a bit, especially on the concentration/brainfog related levels. My mind is starting to clear up, and I feel that I could generate thoughts consistent enough to actually start sticking to a disciplined daily routine.

    One of the most important things that I've learned this past week, is how crucial it is to start small and "double the bar", not just in rebooting, but in every aspect of life one aspires to change in or achieve. Obvious though it may seem, but this point has been lately absent in my life. Every thing that I wanted to commit to, be it exercise, studying, prayer... Any change really, I would always put too strict a plan, with an impossible to achieve goal, too high standards, as though setting myself up to failure on purpose. Then, surprise! I couldn't do any of it, and spent my time hating myself and my lack of willpower. So yeah, turtle pace isn't bad after all, as long as I'm focusing on reaching the warm embrace of the freeing, foamy sea (lol I don't know which turtle metaphor fits better; the mother turtle struggling to reach the shore or baby turtles struggling to reach the sea?)...

    Usually this far into the reboot (even though it's not that long), hopes go high and I feel a bit reckless concerning blocking fantasies and triggers, so it's very easy to get caught off guard. I pray for vigilance and help every second of every day.

    Next stop is 16 days, I'll make sure I check in here in 10 days time, just in case, also I'd be done with my exams then.

    So yeah I'll end with my favorite Dumbledore quote,
    "It is important to fight and fight again, and keep fighting, for only then can evil be kept at bay though never quite eradicated."

    [1/1] Day: 12.07.18 COMPLETE
    13.7. pmo
    [2/2] Days: 14 - 15.07.18 COMPLETE
    [4/4] Days: 16 - 19.07.18 COMPLETE
    [8/8] Days: 20 - 27.07.18 COMPLETE

    [0/16] Days: 28.07 - 12.08.18
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2018
  11. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    Hello there,

    yesterday I had a very strong demonstration of how bad a trigger emotional stress is for me. I gave up on facebook a while ago (I only open it once a week for like 2 minutes now), for many reasons. Of course there is this self-esteem-crushing element caused by comparing my life (perceived as miserable whenever I'm on facebook) to other people's depictions of the best moments of their lives (which makes me perceive them as eternally perfect). Also, I had this sort of awkward falling apart with a childhood friend of mine who meant a lot to me, last year. I sort of fell deeply in love with them, read too much into their feelings-related facebook activity, and things got awkward till we just stopped talking to each other. It is really, really pathetic and silly, but it nonetheless had its negative effects on me back then.

    Anyway, I realized yesterday how emotional I get upon the slightest repetition of those behaviors and feelings. I acknowledged how bad I felt, and most importantly I acknowledged HOW DESPERATELY I WANTED TO GO TO PMO FOR RELIEF AND ESCAPE!! I mean there is nothing remotely sexual about this whole thing, if anything that friendship was very wholesome and respectful, but it was really unnerving how in my head this alarm went off (about not giving in, God, everything I'm gaining from my progress and have to lose if I relapse), and still I was consciously thinking that I wanted to PMO despite all that and to hell with it.

    Thankfully I was saved and slept it off.

    If I hadn't things would have spiraled out of control again... What really mad me sad was realizing how I was stuck in this emotional-stress-induced cycle during the last two years without even knowing the reason behind it. Very vividly the memory comes to me, of this less-than-split-second moment when I would throw all inhibitions into the wind and go on a two day binge of disgrace... And now I think of it, just 'sleeping it off' isn't going to be a permanent solution. I think I need to examine those feelings more in depth, and develop counter-mentality-self-talk? Well, I've been talking to myself quite a lot, lately, and I think it helps in reinforcing mental systems of thought to tackle a certain problem (PMO most prominently), so I guess I'll try to follow the same method about this issue...

    Okay, I guess enough wasting time online, my exam is in a week and I'm SO BLOODY BEHIND on preparing... This procrastination thing is a whole world of problems (3 years worth thereof) that needs to be dealt with, but all I could go with now is immediate damage control. So yeah until later...

    [4/16] Days: 28.07 - 12.08.17
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2018
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  12. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    I'm very sorry I haven't replied to this on time :( but I assure you it is always a great source of optimism whenever I stumble across it. Thanks a lot!
     
  13. goodnice

    goodnice Fapstronaut

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    This. This is the mindset we should all strive to have. Analyzing our slipups before they lead to our downfall. Great that you realized facebook causes you to fall into this whirlwind of negative thoughts and comparing others to you.
    My advice: seriously, delete fb, insta, snapchat, all those useless apps where people only reflect the best image of themself and make you feel worse.
    I'm 4 months free of no social media and also 4 months free no MO. Social media was linked to PMO actually. I was addicted to both. Let me tell you, you definitely feel much more free after getting rid of social media. It's all designed to lure you and trap you and waste your time.
    Instead of focusing our attention on these people, we need to be focusing on ourselves, on becoming our 'best' selves. And the great thing is we simultaneously accomplish this when we delete social media because there are less triggers which significantly reduces the odds of relapse, we stop wasting so much of our precious time on social media and instead devote more of that time to importantly things like studying- this will help your procrastination.

    If you want to fly, give up everything that weighs you down

    Social media is weighing you down.
    Be mindful of procrastination. That was my biggest downfall in high school. If you aren't doing anything meaningful think about something you could do that will help you improve your life. Go for a walk or go practice the sport you play. DONT WASTE TIME!
    Procrastination is the thief of time

    Also, here is some motivational/procrastination stuff
    Hope they help!!!
    motivation to be productive muhammad ali


    CRUCIAL TO SUCCESS TIPS + Procrastination(what it really is in comments)
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/milestone-365-days-no-pmo-monk-mode.104851/

    Video in this link - motivation to stop procrastination
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/procrastination.168792/
     
  14. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    First of all thanks for the reply :)
    I couldn’t agree more! Even though it was only through sheer luck that I managed to escape that pitfall, but it really did open my eyes to how important it is to have a concrete plan for such moments.

    I do agree 100% about deleting social media, having felt most at peace whenever I took a break from it. That constant stream of subtle negativity that crawls up on you when you’re indulging in utterly pointless scrolling, and then suddenly you find yourself hating your life and depleted of energy. I think imma make that decision and give it up for good...And congratulations on 4 months!!



    Thanks for the links, I’m definitely gonna read more on present bias.
    Well procrastination has been quite the enemy for a long while, mainly with studying... I think I’m always too scared to start necause I’m always scared of not being perfect, if I put in the effort and nonetheless fail then I would really let myself down. I know it has to do with me being perceived as the “smart one” throughout my childhood and adolescence , which somehow made my entire identity and self-worth depend on how good I am at school... Anyway this is a whole different theme, although I think this is how procrastination started , especially with me studying abroad in a foreign language etc...

    So yeah maybe procrastination needs to be tackled from a technical perspective (the actual rituals that one develops against it, like cutting off social media ), and the mental one ( understanding and changing false assumptions which trigger it in the first place maybe..)
     
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  15. goodnice

    goodnice Fapstronaut

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  16. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    Hello, sorry for the late reply.
    Thanks a lot for saying that, it really does give me hope that I could break this cycle for good. Honestly most of the time I fear that eventually I'm gonna fall back into this, because for the last couple of years all I seem to have proved to myself is how spectacularly good I am at breaking comittments. I hope that comitting to this conquest will eventually reflect on other aspects in life, as I hopefully will build up self discipline as this journey goes on.

    Great post btw, sorry to say tho that I haven't ditched all social media yet. I started with youtube, which is to me the most time consuming of all, bet seriously I should do it with fb too.

    Thanks again and good luck to you.
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2018
  17. goodnice

    goodnice Fapstronaut

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    It should be mutual. Ya as you go on, you will build discipline for other aspects of life but it is also equally important that you push yourself and commit to working on those other positive aspects of your life (meditating, exercise) that will help you have stronger will power and discipline for nofap. That's the key, you need both.

    No problem to be successful in nofap you have to constantly be self analytical, identify and then change habits/things that aren't working or cause you to stumble.
    But it also requires belief. Belief that you can do it. And being part of this community gives you that sense that if others can overcome this, "i can too". For a few years, i too was full of empty promises. But it is not enough to make a promise, i think you need to take a vow. And the moment you say to yourself "i'm NEVER. EVER. going back to PMO" and that you really mean it and feel it in your heart and are willing to commit to that, to make no compromises whatsoever- that's when you can break free. And then from there, once you have the fire within, you must set out to eradicate all the triggers, and be committed to change.
    I was pretty addicted to facebook too. But i finally let go. You feel much freer without it, trust me!:) One day you will see
     
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2018
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  18. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    You wouldn't believe how much I long to make this vow and actually commit to it. Why am I not though? Is it fear? Fear of turning it into another empty promise that eventually will be broken and cause another blow to my belief in myself? Fear of actually getting over this challenge, my addictions and my illusions, and getting to face the more difficult reality life imposes on us? Or is there still a small dark place in my head that still wants to seek refuge in pmo and the dreamy illusions of the virtual life?

    Well all of the above. Fear. It is always lurking in a deep place and operating at a subconscious level. Maybe it is when I acknowledge this fear and embrace that it will always exist whenever there is potential for change, then analyze which fears are based on false assumptions which could be changed, and which fears could only be defeated by looking them in the eye, taking a deep breath and jumping right into their whirlpool, knowing there will be pain but eventually it will go away... Only then would trust myself to take a vow.

    Lol that was too dramatic. I just wish the gap between what I think and say, and what I actually end up doing weren't that huge.
     
  19. goodnice

    goodnice Fapstronaut

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    Ya that was a bit philosophical haha. Let me say this tho

    Your will to win should always supersede your fear of failure.

    And when you say "getting over this challenge", it sounds as if you believe that one day (perhaps after 90 days), it will be over, the urges will suddenly disappear. Sadly, now that i'm on the "Other side", i can say that that's not really true. I don't believe you or me will ever be completely free from PMO-there's always a chance we can always fall back into the addiction. An alcoholic for instance, even after 7 years free, should not test himself with even one drop, lest he remember the sweet taste of poison and indulge again. But the more you starve the old pathways, the less you have to consciously think about avoiding it as time goes on. It becomes normal not to MO. What i'm tryna say though is that if you get careless and think you won't respond to stimulus of PMO, then you can easily fall back. It will get easier yes, but obviously it takes immense discipline and an acknowledgement that you can't afford to be complacent. It also requires belief that it is very possible to go months, years, even the rest of your life without PM.

    Wow, this ended up flowing right into your title haha "Is this going to be a lifelong struggle". Yes, this will be a lifelong struggle. But my God it's worth it. Like today, i just felt this supreme bliss driving home after tennis, this happiness so deep and raw, i felt so good. I never felt that way, it's impossible to really feel that way when I PMO. i felt like today i could just be truly and authentically myself, something i never really could do when i PMOd. Or i couldn't show the world my true self because i felt like my true self was just someone with a deep dark secret not worthy of love or respect from others. And life is just good, for the most part. Obviously life is hard at times, but it doesn't feel repressive and gray and dark like it does when you are really stuck in the addiction.

    And on the Other side, you do feel free for the most part. Just remember: It's a journey not a destination. That means that it's not like once you reach a certain day count, you won. You win when your mindset is that you will continue to win every day for the rest of your life and that you will never surrender, never ever go back to PMO. Once you hold that conviction and acknowledge and be okay with it deep in your heart, deep inside you, then and only then can you really break the chains
     
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  20. goodnice

    goodnice Fapstronaut

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    I have to say, the fear will never truly go away, nor do I need it to. Or perhaps even want it to. On someone else's signature, there is something about knowing your fear, and therebymanaging it, or something like that. Not eliminating it. I say this because for me, I have acknowledged that this addiction will be in my background for an indeterminate period of time,perhaps for the rest of my life. Therefore, I live with the fear that I will fall back into my old ways. I have finally come to peace with that. I don't need it to go away. Before I did, and it tripped me up constantly. I would tell myself "It is gone! I am healed." Followed relatively quickly by, "Well, since you have this handled, it is ok if you M now, and you can probablyhandle a little P." Need I say more.

    So I am okay with fear. This is my fear. However, I will not cower. I will embrace life, not the death that comes from allowing myself to be consumed by this addiction
     

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