Is This Going to Be a Lifelong Struggle?

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by moominfindinglight, Jun 30, 2018.

  1. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    Hello there...

    Days 4-5

    Well, I think I've finally started crawling out of the post-relapse foggy state, which is a good sign. Now, what needs to happen is a more proactive approach to fight PMO and its cognitive consequences, rather than the passive substitution of PMO with another dopamine source (not sexually-related tho): Youtube, which I think is the reason why I've been able to ignore my urges rather than observe them and let them pass.

    It isn't effective in any productivity-related sense; mostly more than 12 hours a day binge-watching 8 out of 10 Cats does Countdown, QI or old TV series, especially with my 4th semester exams coming up in one month. Unfortunately this has been the case for me for quite a long time now (almost a year and a half); putting off studying till last-minute, using PMO as distraction from emotional stress, and then Youtube as distraction from PMO, and so the one week cycle goes on and ends with a relapse on the 7th or 8th day, when the urges are too high to be ignored.

    A good starting point is the 20 day streak I've had recently, I guess. What helped me go that far?

    • It was the holy month of Ramadan, which meant fasting from 3am - 9pm (from dawn till dusk), and so I had no energy to engage in any PMO-related action, and of course the spiritual environment was very serene and encouraging, with more prayer and connection with God.
    • I was closer to establishing a daily routine than I've ever been (due to the strict meal/prayer time)
    • I think I was more positive and optimistic in my approach to this reboot.
    • I was more active on this site; reading recovery journals, checking in daily in the Muslim Fapstronauts group. After a while I got a bit bored and my visits became less frequent.
    • I was implementing a 30 day No-Youtube-Challenge with a friend. It helped IMMENSELY.
    So, where could I go from there? First of all, I know now that giving myself too many tasks right from the beginning is counter-productive (as it makes me feel overwhelmed and usually the way to feel better would be PMO :/) , and so I'm just going to start by fixing my chaotic sleep schedule and confining internet-idleness to 3 hours a day, for a week. Then I shall add more tools based on progress.

    @Ambrose Grant It's a relatively uneventful update, hopefully at least half a step forward. Wish you the best of luck and stay strong.
     
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  2. STAR DUST

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

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  3. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    Hello there...

    I just watched a film which had an explicit sex scene, aaaaand I relapsed.

    Day 7 -> Day 0

    I'll feel numb for a while, then guilty which either leads into a binge-relapse, or I choose to pick myself up, make this guilt a propeller for positive actions, seeking forgiveness, exercise and learning.
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2018
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  4. kaihit

    kaihit Fapstronaut

    Don't feel guilty, you did not look for it, and that's a good thing.
    just keep moving forward!
     
  5. STAR DUST

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

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    I didn’t know that women really struggled with this
     
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  6. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    @STAR DUST lol I didn't know that either, having lived my entire life in a conservative society, where girls seemed to be completely ignorant of anything that has to do with sex. I guess once the typical pattern of addiction takes place (especially starting at an early age; 12 for me), and the behavior gets reinforced by emotional cues (stress, loneliness, boredom...etc) then it probably won't matter if you're a guy or a gal.
     
  7. STAR DUST

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

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    WoW my wife likes it every now and then, but She is no where near an addiction, but she does have me for orgasm. Sometimes she will masturbate and release on her own, but I get mad because I want her to release with me. As far as porn I will never touch that mess again. It is both fascinating and puzzling to hear a woman struggling with pornography and hyper arousal and pleasure. The pleasure is fun, but the lows are awful, and it makes your life better with time, but when you wait and abstain your whole being becomes orgasmic. Just wait you will see.

    I have a question. Do you think guys ever come on just to get turned on by girls, and vice versa?
     
  8. STAR DUST

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

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    And if I am triggering you reach out in convo and let me know. That’s the last thing I want
     
  9. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    @STAR DUST Hmmm, well. I don't want to generalize, but I think the reasons why guys struggle with quitting are more related to physical/visual arousal/pleasure, while for girls it is more emotionally related. For example, in my case the pleasure/arousal factor is obviously there, but I believe that if I hadn't made PMO a way to deal with emotional stress and anxiety it would have been a lot easier to let go. Again I don't want to generalize, as each person with a PMO addiction has an individually distinctive journey regarding the causes, age of starting, social background, frequency, duration, escalation, relationship status etc. I think those factors should be taken into account as well as the addict being a guy or a girl in order to establish the level of addiction.

    I'm not quite sure I understood your question :)

    Thanks, it's okay you're not.
     
  10. Ambrose Grant

    Ambrose Grant Fapstronaut

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    You resetted, it is not relapse, relapse it is when you PMO several times uncontrollably, reset it is when you MO just one time without P, so you resetted.
    Anyway good luck and stay strong
     
  11. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    Another reset, MO... (PMO'd later during the day)
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2018
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  12. Ambrose Grant

    Ambrose Grant Fapstronaut

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    Better than PMO, so it is a step upward
     
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  13. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    Hello there...

    Well, I had 3 resets since starting this journal, and thinking about how they happened, I reckon that fantasies were the main culprit behind relapsing.
    I never really tried to give up on fantasies, and they would go on up to the point where I act on them and relapse. So no fantasies from now on. Also every time I didn't pray (in Islam we pray 5 times in the day and night), I would slip more quickly into fantasies and just lose control.

    Another thing is, that after every relapse I was resetting my counter to 0 Days, which was as good as saying to myself 'here we go back to square one, you haven't learned anything'. Not quite motivating. And so I think I'm gonna take your advice @GhostWriter about setting a bar and doubling it after reaching the goal more seriously from now on :)


    "O Allah, You are my Lord, none has the right to be worshiped except You, You created me and I am Your servant and I abide to Your covenant and promise as best I can, I take refuge in You from the evil of which I have committed. I acknowledge Your favor upon me and I acknowledge my sin, so forgive me, for verily none can forgive sin except You"

    Starting date: 12.07.2018

    [1/1] Day: 12.07.18 COMPLETE
    [1/2] Days: 13 - 14.07.18
     
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  14. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    You go Young Lady! With God(Allah), all things are possible! Just take is slow, take it easy, and through one day at a time, you'll get to your goal! I have faith in you!
     
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  15. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    Well, another reset yesterday night. I hadn't prayed that day and when I had an urge I just sat there as though testing myself that I won't act on it -> pmo...
    This is very stupid, next time upon having an urge I have to just jump out of my seat and do anything (pray, shower, jumpsquat)!! Just never test yourself and think that you could sit and contemplate an urge away...


    @GhostWriter Thanks a lot!! I wish I had better news than that, but now is not the time for self-hate. Cheers!

    [1/1] Day: 12.07.18 COMPLETE
    [1/2] Days: 14 - 15.07.18
     
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  16. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    No, it's NOT! Get up, dust yourself off, and go again. "Anyone who ever did anything great never failed" said no one ever! Get back on the saddle girl! Pray like you know how to pray, and go again. God (Allah) doesn't give up on you. Neither can you.
     
  17. Ambrose Grant

    Ambrose Grant Fapstronaut

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    Find an accountability partner, whenever I want to PMO I reach him, for example several days ago I wanted to PMO and he kept talking to me until urges faded.
     
  18. Ambrose Grant

    Ambrose Grant Fapstronaut

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    Find a girl. With a boy you could arose each other.
     
  19. mmail6950

    mmail6950 Fapstronaut

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    Good luck my fiancé has a friend that is kind of in your boat. She is younger and she was kind of dropped off in New Jersey to get her degree. She was never taught how to shop or do anything. The cultural shock isolated her and her parents want to marry her off. I hope that you are doing well!
     
  20. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    Hello there...

    I'm happy to say that level 3 is accomplished (4/4 days). I think I didn't have the effort to have any pmo related thoughts or actions because I had my period two days ago. However, the last days are always dangerous, so I need to be very vigilant the upcoming week, go one day at a time and not take anything for granted.Withdrawal related mood swings have been terrible (definitely augmented by pms) but hopefully they'll start evening out after 2 weeks of no pmo. They never go away, I guess, just become more controllable and eventually too minimal to feel.

    Honestly I'm scared of relapsing, scared of that vicious cycle, most of all scared of the state of oblivion I go through while relapsing, like I'm deliberately blocking that internal alarm in my head that tries to stop me from doing it. ' O God, I take refuge in You from the evil of my soul and from the evil of the devil, and from committing wrong against my soul or bringing such upon another person.'

    @mmail6950 Thank you. I know how that feels, hope she's doing well! The isolation IMO is the worst part of it, but hopefully in the long run this will be an opportunity to learn about oneself.

    [1/1] Day: 12.07.18 COMPLETE
    13.7. pmo
    [2/2] Days: 14 - 15.07.18 COMPLETE
    [4/4] Days: 16 - 19.07.18 COMPLETE

    [1/8] Days: 20 - 27.07.18

     
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