Is there any point in me trying to date and have a relationship?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Trevelyan357, Nov 12, 2018.

  1. Trevelyan357

    Trevelyan357 Fapstronaut

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    Hey everyone:

    Dating has always been a problem area for me. I am almost 33 and can count on my hand the number of dates that I have had in my entire life. I have never had sex. Before I started this adventure, I used to think that something was fundamentally wrong with me. Like I lack some secret talent that every other guy out there possesses. The reality is that I have had rare opportunities to sleep around with women who showed interest. However, I never took advantage of these opportunities because something didn't seem right. I know for a fact that there are women out there that find me attractive.

    I have been thinking about another possibility lately. I am generally not a fan of kids and have no interest in being a father. I am not sure if my position on this will ever change. All I know is that when I walk into a public place and hear loud kids or babies crying, it drives me crazy and makes me grit my teeth. This rage builds up inside of me. I can tolerate it in small doses, but I eventually have to move to another place if things get too bad. I am kind of on the fence about marriage as an institution as well.

    The problem is that I would still like to go out, date, experience sex, and have a long-term relationship. I think the majority of women out there eventually want to have kids and get married though. I feel like I will be taken out of the running if they eventually find out that I am not interested in kids.

    So I am wondering if I should even bother trying to date anyone (I have seriously considered hookers, but decided they are not for me).
     
  2. Truegamer007

    Truegamer007 Fapstronaut

    You say you want to date, have sex and have a long term relationship. First you need to ask yourself what you need to do to make that happens, what are the problems you need to solve, the hoops you need to jump through. And then thin about whether you want to do all that. You don't really want to date or have a relationship if you are unwilling or unable to go through the process that leads to those ends. Are you willing to handle rejection and being turned down? Are you willing to put up with all the problems that come with a relationship? Ask yourself this, and be honest. If you don't want to go through all this, maybe you don't really want a relationship y'know? Cause it's not really the ends that matters, the fact that you're in a relationship or dating doesn't really matter as much as the process it took to get there. And if you don't enjoy the process, well, it's not really for you then.
     
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  3. I'd say you shouldn't be dating until you make it at least a year without porn.
     
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  4. Trevelyan357

    Trevelyan357 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the reply. I had to think this through for a bit. At first I thought that I was completely unwilling to go through the process of dating. For the most part that is true because a woman that interests me in a non-sexual way is pretty rare. I had a female friend that lived across the street from me when I was in the single digits in age...but that is it. I have asked out a couple of attractive women while I was in high school and university and made myself look like a creep. I have done some speed dating events since this with no luck. So do I want to go through all this? I would prefer not to. But I know that I have to if I want to have at least a chance to meet someone. It is pretty rare that I meet a woman that I feel I click with.

    Am I willing to put up with all the problems that come with a relationship? Not sure about that one. All I know is that I don't want to end up in a situation where I completely compromise everything about myself and lose everything that I have worked my ass off for. The only reference point that I have for a relationship is my parents. They are still together but they are not good role models in my mind. Among other things, my mom is so fucking demanding and gets into hissy fits like a 5 year old when she doesn't get her way. I have since distanced myself from them. Sorry but if that is what I have waiting for me in a relationship, then no thanks.
     
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2018
  5. Truegamer007

    Truegamer007 Fapstronaut

    I think you have your answer then. You don't NEED to be in a relationship. For a lot of people, it just doesn't work. I would recommend you focus on living a good life more than anything else. You know how they say that people usually end up finding a relationship when they decide to stop searching for one? The reason for that is that relationships and marriages work for people who don't expect too much out of them. That is, people who would be totally content WITHOUT a relationship are those for whom it actually works well. It's a cruel irony, but that's how it is.

    I'd recommend you work towards being happy without a relationship. I am not saying you'll get one then, but you'll not need one.
     
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  6. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

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    Whether you've had five dates or five hundred, I don't think they will bring you happiness. Dates can go either way, really. They can be awesome, or they can be disastrous. I wish you could go on as many dates as you want to so that you could see for yourself first-hand that that's not the answer.

    I don't dislike children, and I actually enjoy working with children, but I also don't want to have any of my own, and I feel pretty sure that my position on this isn't likely to change. There are lots of women out there who feel the same way. I wouldn't even say they're few and far between. I've met many women who don't have much of an interest in being a parent. There's nothing wrong with that position, and it doesn't make you "undatable" if that's where you're going with that whole idea. There's so much more to romantic relationships than marriage, having children, and raising a family.

    What is this opinion based on? Is it based on fact, or your own experiences?

    Besides, even if it's true (and I'm not sure if it is or isn't), it's not a problem. There are plenty of women who share your point of view on having children, and it doesn't forbid you from dating anyone. There's nothing wrong with you just because you don't want to have children. In fact, I think not wanting to have children is a pretty rational point of view to take these days. There simply aren't enough resources to satisfy the lifestyle of our exponentially growing population (especially if you live in a country where people have relatively comfortable lives, like in the US). You're not weird for not wanting to have kids. It's actually pretty normal these days.

    Check out this article by Richard Stallman (he's a computer scientist who's been making social commentary on various subjects for quite some time. Smart dude). He discusses the reasons he doesn't want to have children.

    If you open up to someone and tell them truthfully that you aren't interested in having children and they turn their nose up and walk away from you, why would you want to date that person anyway? Being in a relationship with someone is obviously about more than that stuff to you anyway, so a person who turns you down for a reason like that isn't really worth your time, IMO.

    I wouldn't "try" to date anyone. Just be yourself, man. If you're anything like me, part of the reason you don't want to have children is because you have so many other things going on in your life. You have creative projects. You have interesting things you want to do with your career. You have places you want to travel. You have places you might want to move to and live in for a while. If you have children, you might be closing some of those doors (maybe. I don't really know what it's like). I'm sure you've given some of that consideration, so walk the talk, dude. Live your life! Smell the flowers, enjoy the taste of all sorts of foods, pursue your creative interests, read lots of books on interesting subjects, talk to other people who share your interests, go to local meetups for stuff and meet interesting people. If you're being authentic about who you are, then people will want to date you for the right reasons. That's all the advice I can give ya.
     
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  7. outlander.9

    outlander.9 Fapstronaut

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    Better late than never my man. A few things:

    -most women like older guys. Some may frown on age gaps but just know that you'll always have options even as you get older.
    -Not wanting to have kids is pretty trendy among women in their 20's and 30's now, so I wouldn't worry about that should you stick with that decision.
    -Lots of women around your age already have kids from a previous relationship and are content to leave it at that. If it's something you're comfortable with, single moms need love too and (in my own experience) are often more willing to just be friends with benefits or accommodate alternative arrangements

    In short they're out there and while you may strike out a lot, there is more than one someone out there for everyone.
    Being single for a long time can make it so you don't even notice being lonely anymore, even though you are. Dating isn't for everyone all the time but it's really not healthy to be that way.

    My advice? Work on yourself a little bit first and then ease your way into it. Get yourself a fresh haircut and spruce up the way you dress a little bit, work on getting into shape, get into some stuff that's interesting and might introduce you to some ladies. I don't mean force yourself to do things you hate but try and find yourself more often in places that aren't sausage-fests. Bookstores and dog parks are good for this, for instance. All this stuff will increase your overall level of confidence and make you more datable.

    Honestly I know how you feel and how bad it hurts at times. I grew up with the mindset that I was a complete loser that would never get laid just because I had some awkward years in school. It wasn't easy but once I got away from that environment I stopped beating myself up over it and found out that it's not anything special, just something I never picked up on. Looking back I had a million chances from day one but just didn't know what to look for.

    tl;drJust talk to a girl and if she seems interested ask her out, if not move on to the next one. Every girl everywhere has guys awkwardly hit on them so don't feel like it's the end of the world if it's weird at first. It won't always work out and then when it does it'll fall apart later: You'll get dumped and ghosted and probably cheated on before it's all over but life goes on, and you'll try again with somebody new. Whatever happens just be up front about what you're looking for and it'll be fine. Remember that literally every single one of your ancestors has dealt with it and you can to, and when you finally get going you'll find out why it's all worth it!
     
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  8. Trevelyan357

    Trevelyan357 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for taking the time to respond. Sorry for taking so long to reply back. It has been a while since I've been back on here. But I will address what you said in your post.

    Yeah we are on the same wavelength lol
     
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  9. JayJay31

    JayJay31 Fapstronaut

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    Why one year and not 6 - 9 months ?
     
  10. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

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    It seems to be a recurring trend now, with guys not looking to tie the knot. I mean unless you know you want kids, marriage doesn't seem as beneficial as it was in decades past.
     
  11. A number of therapists say until someone makes it a year without porn no SO should take them seriously. Personally, I wouldn't trust myself if I can't make it a year. But I suppose 6-9 months is better than nothing.
     
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  12. SpoonDog

    SpoonDog Fapstronaut

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    I definitely think it's worth trying. I didn't get into it until later in life and that gives you the advantage of not having any baggage from previous relationships.

    I wouldn't worry about the whole kids thing. I'm not keen on them myself but if it comes up on a date I simply tell them that I'd consider having them if I met the right person. You may change your mind if you met the right person and they were keen.

    At the end of the day you've got nothing to lose by dipping your toe into the water.
     
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