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Is the type of foreplay and him pleasing me not helping at all with his recovery???

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Deleted Account, Sep 18, 2017.

  1. Hello all! I need advice again. This weekend me and my boyfriend were intimate but no penetration of course and i am wondering if what we do to please me helps at all with his recovery or would it be counted as a trigger?? In more details we like to spice things up in the bedroom since we are not able to have normal sex cause of PIED. so we kind of substitute it with a little bit of fetish type play and the use of toys like hand cuffs and blindfolds, sex toys and it can get really spicy. Almost to the point where it can remind him of the porn he used to watch.

    I became concerned when i saw that he got hard when i was doing something not so vanilla and he was turned on by it. I am wondering if doing things like that with him hurt his recovery cause he wasnt able to get hard through normal type of foreplay and him playing with me in a not extreme way. But he was able to get hard on porn type of things. So when he did get hard on it i told him to just try and see if possibly we can have sex but as always it became soft the minute he came close to putting it in. He is pmo free now for almost 2 months now and no relapses either. But not much progress in the sex department. Any advice on this question? Is the type of foreplay and him pleasing me not helping at all with his recovery???
     
    Flyhigh likes this.
  2. J4220

    J4220 Fapstronaut

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    Legitimate concerns I think it would be best if you brought these questions up with him. Really depends on where he is with his recovery and if he think it's causing a problem or not.
     
  3. I don't think there's necessarily harm in doing stuff during a reboot - if it's stuff he's trying to rewire to following the reboot. But if that is to some degree the kind of stuff you do because of PIED, it may be worth cooling it off for a little bit. It may delay the rebooting process. Just my 2 cents.
     
  4. I did ask him amd he doesnt know. He doesn't even know if he has flatlined yet. He says he has some days where he doesnt feel anything like no sexual desire, doesnt care for porn or m.o but he says that only last a few days at a time. So he isnt even sure where he is in the reboot. Its been appx 52 days now of no pmo.
     
  5. No , i do it cause i like that kind of stuff too but for me if he isnt ready for something like that than we can just keep it vanilla.
     
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    OK... I'm going to offer the hard medicine.
    I don't think it's a good idea to do anything other than vanilla.
    We started out kinda like you, and it just made him relapse.
    We decided afterwards to wait.
    Only after weeks and weeks of nothing.
    It was rough.
    We couldn't tell the PIED from the Flatline for awhile... PE and DE... Whoooo...
    It was hellish.
    But it was worth it.
    I like dressing up.
    I like BDSM.
    I like all sorts of stuff.
    But the fact is in the beginning he wasn't honest about what he was thinking.
    Or feeling.
    I couldn't tell if he was present or flashing back to a scene on a screen.
    It took over a year in reboot of being pm free to be that honest.
    To be back to where his head was and how he was experiencing sex with me... Being present and if it was effecting him or how.
    What he felt, if it was more than "uncomfortable" and why.
    If something was too close for his comfort or out of a zone or whatever he was thinking or feeling or fighting or just all of the above.
    He wanted intimacy.
    He wanted vanilla.
    I just wanted him.
    I had missed my guy.
    Waiting.... Is worth it.
    Lots of the SOs try to keep interest by doing this and that and offering whatever whenever they want because they think it's the best thing for the relationship.
    I started there.
    I did.
    When it didn't bring fruit I switched tactics.
    Vanilla only.
    So.... Considering the ratio... Of how well which of which has worked out for PAs and SOs...
    that's my two cents.
     

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