Is she sleeping with him??

I probably won't know, and don't need to know, the answer to the title question - but my addict mind is imagining that my work crush is having sex with one of the guys at work, either as I am writing this or that she will be tonight . . . at work!

I could use some advice, encouragement or support.

Quick background - I'm single, have a demanding career and I am in grad school. I knew when I started grad school that I would "have no life" for the next 2 years. I've tried to do some dating and other social things, but after a couple of weeks, work or school or both take over and I just can't keep it up.

Almost done with school, though.

9 months ago this new girl starts at work and Wow, instant attraction! I have plenty of "love interests" but I have just been really, really hooked on this one. And I can clearly tell that she is interested in me as well. We have talked a few times but I haven't really made a move.

I am wary of my availability and wary of dating at work . . . and even more wary of asking a co-worker out directly, especially since she works in HR!

So, I figure my best bet is to attract her.

The best advice that I have gotten on dating is to stop chasing women and focus on making my life awesome (the way I want it to be), so awesome that I will almost be reluctant to let a woman get in the way of that, and so that the woman who would tear me away would therefore have to be very, very special.

I'm a good looking guy, smart, funny, moderately successful. Going on 9 international trips during this two year grad school adventure. My life is pretty awesome. I'm also pretty healthy and fit. I figure that if I can just do NoFap and practice semen retention . . . that I will attract more women and I can just attract this woman to me.

Sometimes it seems to work.

And, I recently decided to be monogamous with her. Wtf?, you might ask. My thought is: if I'm always trying to juggle multiple interests and on the lookout for something better - then I'll just always be distracted and searching, and the ups and downs of flirting and obsessing over so many women will probably lead me back to porn. I want to be in a monogamous relationship with a special woman, why not start practicing now?

I have been hitting the gym pretty well lately and was feeling very confident this morning. I walked into the office hoping I might see her and there she was, talking to him. Him being the alpha male of the place who's often flirting with all the hottest girls. despite being married. I have seen them being friendly but recently I had seen her being very flirty with him and hanging out around him at his desk.

This morning, she wasn't necessarily flirting, but she was there at his desk again, clearly for a social visit. She looked up when I came into the office (I swear that she has some kind of sixth sense and just knows when I'm around and she'll always flash a smile my way) but she just looked at me with a blank look. Indifferent.

I'll spare the build up . . . soon after that I ended up cumming in my pants. At work.

Then I felt weak, defeated, ashamed . . .

Tried to carry on, and focused on my work. Left work late, but as I left I saw that she was still there. Odd, a full hour after she normally leaves. She was standing at her desk (I could just see the top of her head over the high cubicle wall, and I could tell that she saw me) and she was talking to someone who was apparently sitting at her desk.

That's when the thought hits me - what if it's him?? He stays late, crazy late (wife be damned I guess) nearly every night. He often shuts the place down. And that's when I start imagining her having sex with him in the building . . .

This is where I could use some encouragement. Even if she is fucking him right now, does it really matter?? There's no future for her there. But I think that we have real potential. The time just isn't right. I'm almost done with school. I need to focus on that and on staying off the porn and masturbation.

I'm reluctant to admit it, but I almost came in my pants again on the way home from work. I feel like I am so close, but then I shoot myself in the foot by giving into orgasms. I almost wonder if on some cosmic / energy level, by giving into orgasm manifested (in part) her choosing to focus her attention on another man? Almost as if she can almost see my greatness, just as I can, but I never quite get there because I keep slipping.

I didn't outright masturbate today. And I didn't numb my feelings with porn. So that's something. Just gotta stay the course . . .

 

Thank you for the replies. And for reading my post and hearing my struggle.

@dend88 Yes, work is a bad place for dating. So much potential for things to go terribly wrong.
(I dated a coworker once. It was good until it ended, then it was awful. Then she dated a guy that I worked with closely. A year later I'm living 700 miles away and I ended up working with him again for two years!!)

@elevate I thought I was being decisive by choosing to focus on one girl instead of thinking "I want this one. No wait, maybe I want that one . . . " but decisions are useless unless followed by action.

And, what I got out of your post is that I need to be really really clear with deciding what I want. Its the only way that I will be able to envision it and manifest my desires. Really, what I need to do is just ask this girl out.

@salvacion_a_888 So true! So much of what I react to are my warped perceptions and not at all grounded in reality. This has been proven time and time again, but if there is a 99% chance that everything is fine and a 1% chance of total disaster - I get hysterical thinking that the worst thing is happening.

My addict mind has a lot to do with that. I would like to think that if I were to slip, it would be from fantasising about being with her rather than because I'm flipping out imagining the worst!