Is he finally opening up to me?

It's been so up and down for me this last week and I am exhausted. I need to focus on something other than this before I lose my mind. But I think writing about it and getting some support might help me turn my attention elsewhere.

Another fight this weekend, this time right before we were supposed to go out and enjoy the day together. I had questions about past lies, we got stuck in a loop because of course I still don't know what to believe (so what's the point in even asking anymore, just let it go). So we fought, calmed down, and apologized. He admitted that he didn't like being called out on his BS and said he'd try to be better. The talked turned to how, if this is going to work, I have to give him a chance to work this out without me micromanaging it. He said in the most loving way possible that if he can't do this on his own (meaning with support but without me doing it for him) then he can't do it at all. It's a harsh reality for someone like me. I am a textbook codependent, my family are all addicts, and I work in the recovery field. The thought of giving up control terrifies me. On one end there is the illusion of total control, in which I watch his every move and know every detail and I essentially kill myself from the pain of it. On the other is giving up completely and walking away. I don't know how to find a balance. I don't want to be lied to, I don't want to be taken advantage of, I don't want to be fooled into thinking he's getting better when really he's just getting away with the same old BS. How do I let go of that fear?

Some positives and some things I learned this weekend:

- After our fight, we did go out to our favorite place and ended up having one of the best times ever. So it's nice to know that's still there.

- While we were out, we got to talking in ways we haven't before. He told me about why he ogles women/what he thinks he got out of it, why he watched the porn that he did, and how he feels about it now. He said it was a way for him to feel in control in a lot of ways. That power, those feelings, were so seductive to him. Scanning the crowd, picking out random body parts, objectifying, it all made him feel in control. As did the porn. He said that now he sees how wrong and hateful that is, especially once I explained to him how women feel when we're being ogled (Yes! We do notice and you look like perv!). He said it makes him sick and he doesn't want to be that perv. He doesn't want to be that kind of person. He doesn't want it to have power over him.

- We also talked about his ex, who was his first serious relationship. He told me things about her that I never knew, and it turned out she was extremely emotionally/mentally abusive to him and even sexually abused him multiple times as a form of control. He said he felt "pathetic" because of it and we connected on that. I had an almost identical relationship when I was that age.

- He said more than once that he was starting to see how much I actually do understand about his experience. How much I actually can relate and because of that I accept those parts of him. I had tried showing him so many times before how accepting and empathetic I can be, but of course until he tested it himself he didn't believe it.

- This is a revelation for me about his lying: Him telling the truth isn't a matter of feeling safe or unsafe, because I've gone out of my way to make him feel safe and it never worked. He said that he needs to learn to tell me the truth despite not knowing how I will respond. So it's truly on him, not on me. He has to be willing to take the risk of telling the truth, even though he doesn't know how I will react. I do with with him all the time and he needs to practice the same.

- I finally told him how I hadn't felt 'pretty' in a long time, and that I had been unconsciously comparing myself to other women in an effort to figure out why he wanted them over me. He looked shocked. He really didn't seem to realize that until I told him. He said that it was never about me, not once. It was all about his own selfishness. He said I am beautiful, sexy, brilliant, etc. etc. and he was so sorry for ever giving me a reason to doubt that. He said that, since D-day, every day he has been seeing me more clearly. He said that he's had everything he needed right in front of him this whole time, and that he would be an idiot to lose me because "There is no one else like you". All nice things to hear and to try committing to memory.

- He went to a wedding with family a few nights ago (didn't get any +1 invites, boo). While he was there, he caught up with a girl who is a former classmate of his and married to the brother of the bride. He was texting me throughout the wedding and voluntarily offered up the info about talking to this girl. This is something he would have previously withheld from me, because he didn't want to deal with multiple questions/accusations about who she is, what were you talking about, why were you talking to her, etc.
I think maybe he's starting to see that I only ask those questions when I know he's holding back or hiding something from me. I have never been a jealous, possessive person before. The reason it's been popping up in this relationship is because he would hide things from me in order to present a certain version of himself and save himself the perceived hassle. When really, as soon as he told me about this girl without my having to "find out", I had no reaction whatsoever. It didn't matter to me in the slightest because I am not a jealous or possessive person. His addiction, his lies, his trickle-truths, were encouraging that behavior in me and making me feel crazy. If I think you're hiding something then I'm going to go after the truth. He said he feels stupid for acting that way.

- Taking his ex's abusive behavior into consideration, I can empathize with why he was afraid to tell me about any interaction with other females. I learned from a couple of his friends that she isolated him to the point that they went from seeing him every day to virtually never in the course of six months. She would not allow him to speak to any other female, even family friends twice his age. So, while his behavior isn't excusable, I do have some context for it. It comforts me to know that it isn't because I was acting crazy, but because he was allowing his baggage to affect us.
He said also that this aspect of the lying was another form of control. He took it upon himself to decide what information I "needed to know" or what I could "handle". It was a selfish form of rebellion for him. He said he sees now that I get to decide what information I can handle, what I need to know. And that it was massively disrespectful, manipulative, and a betrayal of trust.

- He ventured into telling me what kind of porn he would watch, so that was good and bad for me. It wasn't pleasant to have those images in my head, but I am happy he took the chance and told me. The things he'd watch (he favored voyeur videos) make sense when I consider his need for control and a fear of intimacy. It does trigger fears and insecurities in me, which I know is normal. He said that boredom was a major trigger for him and he would start thinking "Why not? It doesn't matter anyway" and off he'd go. But also that it made him feel awful about himself, it never helped, never added anything positive to his life. It basically reinforced his negative core belief that he is a pervert, no one truly loves him, and he should hate himself. It reminds me of when I used to watch porn regularly and I was deep into some pretty disgusting stuff. It sickens me to think about that now and I know I'm not some kind of sexual deviant at my core, so maybe that's true for him? I was acting on my own self-hate stemming from abuse as a teen. So although I can't excuse the behavior, I can empathize with where he might be coming from.

- We talked more in-depth about ogling, which is a more significant struggle for him at this point (a week in). According to him, it's become a thoughtless, automatic thing where he starts scanning a crowd without realizing it. It gives him a false sense of power and control over his environment, but it makes him feel "skeevy" (sic). All of this makes him feel that way, according to him. This behavior scares me for obvious reasons, and I expressed that while also acknowledging his struggle. He said I deserve a man with integrity, who respects me whether I am there or not. I told him the man I end up with, will be one who respects women as whole people with thoughts and feelings, not as disembodied parts to be objectified. He said he understands and will continue to practice controlling his eyes, his mind, whether I'm there or not.

- He saw his therapist and finally told him everything. Therapist had some great resources for him and gave him a reality check: First, just because he's had this awakening, that does not mean everyone in his house (his family) will suddenly follow suit. The broken family dynamic is still there, so he has to check his expectations and move out soon (something he's already agreed to do). Second, it's all fine and good to say these things, but its another thing entirely to actually follow through. He now has the blessing and the curse of knowledge, so he has no excuse whatsoever to continue this behavior. It's nice to know his therapist reinforced the same things we've talked about.

..........


I'm starting to realize that probably every male I've been with has done these exact same things. He is the first one to ever be honest with me about it. While that hurts and I've wished several times I could put the genie back in the bottle, maybe there's something to be said for the man who is willing to say what others weren't? Now it comes down to walking the talk, as they say.

Any stories, tips, reality checks are welcome.

 

@GhostWriter and @TheMightyQuinn , thank you both, from the bottom of my heart. It was so nice reading your responses and taking in the positivity. I'm looking into CoDA meetings around my area and so far I've found two that fit my schedule. I've had "Codependent No More" recommended to me before and even went so far as to browse it, but at that time in my life I wasn't ready for what it had to say. I think it's about time I tackle my own addictions.

It's funny, I don't yet know how to do that. I've spent my life taking care of others and ignoring what I need, so at this point I don't actually know what I need. I think attending CoDA meetings is a good start, as is participating in this forum. Personal therapy will continue, I want to see my family and friends more, and I've been exercising more in the last two weeks. Not a bad start.

I hadn't thought of it this way before, so thank you for that. This really hits the nail on the head because, when I think about the lies, what I dread is how they make feel. I don't want to be anxious, on my toes all the time, looking out for any inconsistency in what he says. It's for that reason that I want him to stop lying, but that's up to him. I know he wants to stop, but it won't happen all at once. So if I want to stick around and give him a chance, I have to be able to function without being an emotional wreck all the time. I need to find some kind of balance between enabling his lying (or being taken for a fool, the way I think of it) and constant, exhausting vigilance.

@GhostWriter , you are so right on this one. Yesterday was a really tough day because he admitted to another lie. This time it was about his hours at work, which are a requirement to graduate from the MA program we're both a part of. He realized recently that he was behind on hours and rapidly running out of time to make them up. So, I tried helping him, came up with plans of action with him, and supported him. Turns out he wasn't being totally honest with me about how many hours he was truly making up each week and he admitted it yesterday. I was royally pissed off and hurt for so many reasons. Mostly, though, it robbed me of the sense of safety I'd allowed myself to feel after the great moments of intimacy we had this weekend. I feel like this completely soiled that experience for me. I told him how I felt, reminded him of our boundary with lying, and followed through with a consequence specific to the lie. So, we'll see how that goes.

Your point about giving up control rang in my ears while all of this was happening. There is no way he'll be able to stop lying as if it were a switch to flip. His addictions (lying, porn) have been holding his life together for years, even as it's been slowly falling apart without him realizing it. A mentor at his work today pointed out that "your addictions aren't working for you anymore" and I think that's true. They no longer work now that he wants a life of his own, meaningful work, and healthy relationships. So he's panicking because that's the only way he's known for so long. So to that extent, I do "get it". My own codependency has served me the same purpose for most of my life.

I also learned yesterday of a very confusing and abusive sexual incident from his childhood that he said he'd never mentioned to anyone. He's said so many times that he used porn and lied because he felt like a terrible person, and so I asked him what convinced him that he was so terrible. So, after a while, he told me about the incident. Followed by a mini panic attack. I told him what I could, I supported him and reminded him that he's loved and he's safe and that it was not his fault. But I also told him that I can't be his therapist on this one and that he has to be willing to work this through with his therapist. So he moved his appointment up to today and asked if I would join him.

I think he has a lot to work through. He's in his mid-twenties, had a very privileged and sheltered life, and still living at home. He's never really been forced to face these issues until now. As for me, right now, I think I can stick around and see what comes of all of this. I have to see his effort, I have to see action and not just words. As long as that's happening, I can be patient.

 

This has happened sooooo many times in the course of our relationship. Definitely more now that we're openly talking about his addictions, but even before that I would catch him in things and find out he hadn't been truthful. It's so hard on me, especially that last sentence of yours. Today my therapist asked me what makes me angry. I told her it's the fact that I've proven over and over to him that being truthful with me the first time is the better option (I don't get mad, I don't get jealous or upset, there's rarely any argument at all, etc.) and he claims to believe that, yet he continues to lie. He's said that he feels better telling the truth and that it's actually a relief because I don't get mad! But if that's the case, then why? He says it's habitual, an addiction, and a form of control. My therapist said I'm making it about me ("I've proven over and over...") when it's really about him.

That's exactly what I'm doing. If I keep saving him, it will only hurt both of us. My rescuing behaviors didn't even rescue him! So what's the point. I told him I love him and I wish him the best with his hours, but that I can't help. Since then, anytime he's brought up work, I listen but I don't engage. I don't believe him right now anyway.

Thank you for your vulnerability. I know he is feeling a lot of the things you described. He said it made him feel like someone to be pitied, to feel sorry for. It started a chain reaction of negativity and self-hatred. I truly feel for him and have empathy for his experiences. I was a bit older when I was taken advantage of, but I still know the marks it leaves.

 

I have to say, this whole post gave me chills it was so spot on. Thank you! I need to tell him about the "dying a death of 1000 cuts" thing sometime. I think it would be helpful for him to understand the cumulative effect of each tiny lie.

I took your comment about CoDA sponsorship to mean that I should get a sponsor?

Thank you for the positivity! It really made a difference for me.

 

Hi @EyesWideOpen ! Okay, well I need to share this with my SO. That video gave me a pit in my stomach but it is EXACTLY how I feel! Thank you for this.