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Is fantasizing safe for a recovering PA?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Trying-to-heal, Nov 8, 2017.

  1. Trying-to-heal

    Trying-to-heal Fapstronaut

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    So my boyfriend trying to get over his PA he's always wanted to use fanatasy's in our sex life that he's clearly got from watching P in the past. I never really liked it, it doesn't particularly make me feel good I always feel cheap afterwards like he's just used me to recreate one of the P scenes he's watched . When he first claimed to be trying to get over his PA he stopped with the fantasys for a while and our sex life was so much better much more passionate and connected with him but now he starting with fantasys again . Is this a red flag that he's either started PMing again or is he bored ? Even if it's none of those could it be dangerous ground that may trigger him into relapsing ?
     
  2. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    I think you've said everything you need to say right here. If it doesn't feel good and makes you feel used--and if he isn't willing to recognize your discomfort and behave differently--it might be time to drop the BF.

    It's not necessarily a sign that he's back to PM, but it's certainly not going to help him.

    Some addicts (not all, but some) will find themselves fantasizing more as they abstain from PM because their brains are so conditioned to those consistent dopamine hits. If they're denying themselves that experience by abstaining from PMO, the brain can start to get 're-sensitized' to regular, everyday stimuli. That can include a new, fresh tendency toward fantasy.

    But without porn, fantasy can often become 'what gets the ball rolling' for compulsive masturbation without porn.

    Of course, I'm talking about mental fantasies ... it sounds like what you're describing is that he's pushing you to act out his fantasies with him. Is that correct? When you say "he stopped with the fantasies for a while," you mean to say he stopped pressuring you to take part in them, right?

    If that's the case, then I would really encourage you to draw some boundaries around what you are and aren't willing to put up with sexually. Have you explained to him how this 'fantasy play' makes you feel?
     
  3. Trying-to-heal

    Trying-to-heal Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Superfan your reply is really helpful

    It's not quite as easy as dropping him we live together and have a child together.( I didn't know the extent of his problem when I moved in with him an had a child with him )
    Yes I have previously told him how it made me feel and that's when he stopped for a while but now he started bringing them up again and pathetically I'm competing with these porn stars ,I'm so desperate for him to choose me over them that it's really hard to put my foot down with him as his PA already makes me feel inadequate so I don't want him to think I'm boring as well . It all ends up like viscous cycle. I can handle it if it is helping with his recovery as in giving him enough stimuli to be satisfied instead of going back to P but it worried me that it would trigger his PA again . Thank you for your helpful reply
     
    KevinesKay likes this.
  4. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    There's a place for fun, playfulness and adventure in sex ... so playing out fantasies can be a good thing in the right context. But if it's making you feel less-than, or making you feel like you need to 'perform' in order to be desired, that's something worth discussing again. Compromise is an important part of any romantic relationship obviously, but it shouldn't come at the expense of your sense of worth.
     

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