Intrusive thoughts

So guys it's been 40 days I don't watch porn and things are a lot confusing, I mean all the nights I even have very strange dreams.

Lets say I masturbated for years and of time of the day watching porn, having the escalation from normal porn to hentai, cuckold, trans and finishing in gay and humiliation porn, this mostly cause I had a 6 years relationship with a girl where I felt pretty depressed and useless.

I watched so much porn that I started even doing fantasies about sucking another guy and mostly being humiliated by another guy both in a cuckold and I male way,i even practiced anal masturbation.

After I broke up at the beginning of the 2018,i met another girl and we stay together now since November 2018. After some time with her I realized I didn't want to stay that depressed loser I was, and stopped watching porn at all and having those fantasies.

Now let me just say one thing I've always been an anxious person, a very anxious one. After starting no porn and masturbation, the first 1-2 week I was like superman, I had the strongest erection i ever had, and I was happy since before I failed some times with her since I had to think at porn things in the moments I was anxious cause I didn't want to fail. Then at the start of April the hell begun, I lost completely all my libido and excitement in seeing a women even though at the start of NoFap was at a point that just seeing an ass or tits in real life would turn me on.

In this hell I started having having this obsessive disorder, where I always think I am gay, I like controlled my whole past in my mind to find things that prove that, and even all the time I closely look how I act and if I appear gay and even my perception of people and myself are distorted from before, like I'm really dealing with an anxiety disorder that makes me live things in a different way, I guarantee you it's hell, prob it's some part of this porn escalation that Is healing, but even going out it's super stressing like every time I see a man, my brain starts thinking why did u looked at him? Are you interested? Etc. I am not even able to enjoy my gf to the fullest since my emotions are like numbed atm, I don't even feel urges anymore, like I did before, I don't know what to do.

 

I fucking love my girlfriend,today we were together and unluckily my parents came back,cause i was super in the mood with her,all the time i'm with her i'm like in heaven,its like all these thoughts gets cleared,and i can be myself.I will tell you its super frustating and i will go to a pshycotherapist too,cause form what my aunt told me,when i was a child there were a lot of errors in my education from my parents,even cause i got educated mostly by my grandmother,but from what they told me,she raised me in the wrong way.In fact the more the years went on,the more i got insecure and anxious,and i always blocked that with an hypersexuality and compulsive m on everything.I even noticed that the higher is my self esteem the more i feel a man that wants to dominate his girl,the lower it is,the less a men i feel,the more i went in the past in cuckold porn.I think it may even be a form of pain suppression. The only thing i know,is that the only times i feel really good,are when i'm with my girlfriend,in those moments all doubts get cleared.