Intro

Porn has definitely been a problem for me in being unsocial and losing personal initiatives. What it really does for me is sap my sense of self-belief. The person who I want to be and feel rightfully entitled to is lost to me.

Porn started for me when I was in 6th grade. I was shown some at a friends birthday party. It became kind of a regular thing for me. Before I would go to sleep I would browse those video cells and open the tabs of the ones that I wanted. Really I remember then that the array of choices was the real thrill of it. The rest of it was over pretty quick.

I never much thought about the usage or question the industry behind it. It was really just a secret to me. I think though it was responsible for plenty of lack of development on my part. That and moral accountability. I was really into blame those days. Nowadays blame doesn't work in my favor because I have since acknowledged my own responsibility. ( The problem now is more dealing in the face of blame I take personally )

I started to become critical of my porn consumption when I went to college. Most of my undergraduate ended up being porn-free. However this past year had been much more of a challenge. Aside from pornography, something new became a problem in my life, self-harm. There were a couple incidents this past Spring but the more significant one was in May right before finals week. I was doing really well in my classes but other factors seemed to converge in the wrong way. I became concerned about things that I normally had not been and even were to Taboo to me. This event may be considered as a suicide attempt.

After the attempt I was doing fairly well and worked on fast pace to graduate in the summer and start graduate school in the fall. I also became philosophically involved in a new way that may not have been fully well adapted. Turns of events upsized my graduation plans and I had to find a recourse. This period I think was really damaging to me. I won't go into details but the next semester was really rough for me and I did not complete the online language course I needed for graduation in time and this threw off my deferment. It was in the recess of these events that I made a much more serious attempt on my life. I nearly died on this occasion and was hospitalized for nearly a month afterwards. I was anemic for a while after due to blood loss.

The few months since then seem like they have been a further descent for me. My porn usage up till then was marginal with a few (deplorable) exceptions. This new living situation has not been good, and I think it has exacerbated things. I have been unable to consistently stay on the right track.

Right now I am faced with a job opportunity on the other side of the country. While I am sure that I will be better able to curb this problem when I leave, it really matters to me that the me in the hear and now has broken such trust. It seems like an an unnecessary identity crisis and a necessary one all at the same time with the wrong sort of coverage. I hope to improve in this while I am still here.

Next week I will be going on a road trip to my new job and home. I hope to be completely clean up til then and after. I have decided to join NoFap to bolster my accountability and hopefully make this commitment more serious.