Intimacy Anorexic Program Journal

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Jak3, Jan 15, 2019.

  1. Jak3

    Jak3 Fapstronaut

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    I understand Anna is very emotionally raw because of the workbook but her reaction to her parents tonight was totally warranted. It's like they love to argue with us. We were talking to her mom about Car lease stuff because her mom needs a car and her mom said something about a car she was interested in. So her dad comes home and, I don't remember but there were arguments, her dad brought up that I wrecked the last car Anna had which is bullshit. It was an accident, not my fault but the cops were on the other guy's side because his neighbor knew him. But anyway there were more arguments and then we said to Anna's mom that she says the wrong things all the time after she said that we interpret what she says wrong. Which we don't. When talking about Anna's rape the other night she said "well that was a bad choice of guy on your part" which really got us mad because Anna ssai that she was blanking her for the rape which she was with that sentence but her mom denied it. So, she says the wrong things and that other night came up and her mom was still saying the wrong things so they fought. I went downstairs and hung out baby A because he woke up.

    While I was down there, I was lying down and he eventually stood up and was holding onto my leg. He seemed like he was trying to step over me so I got up and held his hands. He started walking with my help! I was just holding him but he was walking! He walked all the way to the stairs and paused once, heard his mom and kept walking to the stairs. I helped him with the stairs by putting one foot on the next stair and he actually got up a few stays on his own! So proud of him. Then of course he walked to the tv room because the tv as on.

    And explained that the workbook was hard and she was ok. I just hope that doesn't make her parents not take her seriously. Oh, and they definitely still aren't in on side about the rapes/sexual assault.
     
  2. Jak3

    Jak3 Fapstronaut

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    Today was pretty hard. I got angry a lot. There was a lot of IA behavior and I'm not really sure why. I had bad reactions to Anna telling me I don't know how to take care of baby A. All I did was not cut the chicken up enough so I got mad that she said I don't know how to take care of him. I was just in a bad mood all day pretty much. I'm thinking it's all the IA recovery stuff. I don't know why else I would be having such a hard time with IA reactions and behaviors. Just a bad day for me overall. Anna is still upset with me for all of it. She wants to go to bed. I still have to do my dailies and she does too. I also don't know what my IA homework is. My book is downstairs on our bed so I'll do it when we go down there. I really hope that tomorrow goes much better. I feel like I'm all over the place with feelings and shit.

    Also, I'm sick of this fucking separation. At this point, the only separation is our sleeping and that's only sometimes on days like these. I'm not sure if it's really done anything. I thought it was doing something but I don't know anymore. I feel like it's making me angry or depressed not knowing if I'm going to sleep in our own fucking bed each night. I just want it to be over. I also want to know how she sees it. It doesn't seem like a separation during the day. We see each other a lot during the day. I take care of baby A a lot although I do ask for her help sometimes like today because he was extra fussy. Not sure why. I think he still isn't feeling well. I just hope tomorrow goes better for all of us.
     
  3. Jak3

    Jak3 Fapstronaut

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    Anna and I had a really great date night last night. I was going to make us dinner since I had just gone grocery shopping but then she mentioned that Sunday night is a take-out night. So I suggested our favorite local Chinese food and she was thinking the same thing. So we ordered in and watched Incredibles 2 which was a really good movie. We felt connected and I slept in our bed with her. It was nice that we were able to have a good night and relax together after we put baby A down. My co-worker/shop foreman/mentor had a talk with me because when it comes to certain things around the shop, I'm not exactly eager to do it. I always wait to do the tires and people get annoyed at that. He can be kind of hard on me but it's because he wants me to do well and that means showing our bosses that I can work hard. He did say that no one has anything bad to say about me at all. Everyone around the shop likes me. The only thing they would say though is "what is he doing now?" I guess I look lazy and unmotivated because as he put it If I'm not doing much or not doing the tires and cleaning scrap, it looks like I'm not doing anything. If I am getting work done but I have a cup of coffee in my hand, it still looks like I'm not doing anything. It was really nice to hear that Nobody really has anything bad to say about me. I like that they like having me around and working down there. It means a lot that they want me to do well. He did say that if the shop didn't like me the way they do then I probably wouldn't still be there. I really have to look like I'm more busy at least. I just need to stay on top of a lot of things around the shop.
     
  4. Jak3

    Jak3 Fapstronaut

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    Why is life so hard? Things have been difficult. I haven't been doing all my IA homework. I've been doing what I need to but I've been slacking. I've been staying downstairs a lot but I'll be going back up to the guest room again because Anna thinks I've been doing better up there. I guess I was doing better up there. I've just got to focus and get to sleep on time. I think that's a big issue for me. My sleeping has been all over the place and not only inconsistent but not enough either. That can't be helping.

    There is so much to do ever night bough the IA workbook it's difficult to keep up. Especially with homework from 4 classes. I hope a good routine can make things a bit easier.
     
  5. Jak3

    Jak3 Fapstronaut

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    Last night we had a good therapy session. Not in the way that we worked through things but that we talked about a lot of hard stuff and we realized a lot. It was hard because Anna was feeling really depressed all day and she didn't have much hope for us. We ended up getting take-out and eating dinner together. With all the talking we did we felt really close and hanging out was really nice. As bedtime was getting closer we ended up having sex. It was really great and we felt connected she really enjoyed it which was great. She said she felt more pleasure than she used to. I said it was probably because she felt safe this time and more connected so she was more relaxed and was able to enjoy it.

    Then in the shower, she was crying because the night went so well and I was there for her. She was crying because she was scared that I would leave emotionally because "all three lights are on." Emotional, Spiritual, Sexual. I was emotionally present with her and shared my feelings and talked a lot in therapy, I'm not spiritual in the slightest so that light was on because I didn't criticize or comment on anything religious, and sexually we were very intimate and into it. She says that when that happens, the IA will revert to IA behaviors within 48 or 72 hours. Today was good though. I've already done my homework, dailies and my sponsor call. I also talked to her about how I felt throughout the day instead of how my day went.

    We're eating dinner now and she was watching her show. I hope we can connect more and even maybe be intimate again.
     
  6. Jak3

    Jak3 Fapstronaut

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    Last night went well. We were in the shower and she was getting nervous about anything sexual which I think is good because I got to hear a lot about how I make her feel even if it was a little hard to hear. It was nice because now I have a better understanding of how to handle sexual encounters to make her feel a lot more comfortable. She doesn't like the idea of me getting off because she is still hurt from the cheating and I completely understand that. So that helps me focus more on her pleasure and not expect anything in return (how it should be anyway.) It went well overall.

    This morning was a little disconnecting. She was looking up houses to get an idea on prices and it was really getting her down because of how little we can afford. Even when I start making more money. That's mostly because of where we live. It's quite expensive in Connecticut especially being so close to NYC. I make shit right now but when I graduate and become a technician my yearly income should at least double. And when I get faster with getting work done and become flat rate, it can increase even more. That's still a ways away which is pretty stressful. I can make good money but it just feels like it's so far away. With so much going on it's really hard to find time to study. I feel like I should be learning more. I need to really study the books because I want to take the ASE's when I.m done with the books. I feel like I get more out of the books and the test questions than in class.
     
  7. Jak3

    Jak3 Fapstronaut

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    I feel that I've been doing a lot better lately. Yesterday however, I'm not sure what happened. I just didn't feel as good. Anna says there was a lot of car talk. That's probably what it was. And not even just about the car I'm getting but I got a road and track magazine and I think that didn't help at all. I should only read it when I'm doing my own thing you not bother Anna with it.

    I want today to be better so there will be nothing about cars except telling her a stays update about the process. I was going to decide not to get it because the other night Anna expressed her feelings on it. I felt bad about getting it already. I inferred it was unnecessary. She keeps getting left with no car and as much faith as I have in the manner it still needs work that I haven't the time for. If it were to go then we'd be in a worse situation. At least if I have this them Anna can have my car. If this purchase does prove to be obsessive and unhealthy or I still talk about wanting other cars then I will sell it. It's a wholesale at the dealer meaning they sell it for less toa used car dealer. I'm buying it instead and it didn't need anything. So I can sell it for a small profit of ifclean it up.

    I feel bad about yesterday. Anna initiated sex when I got home really early cause class was cancelled. If usually be all over her too. Yesterday was tough though. I got coffee and it was quite strong and I hadn't eaten more than an oatmeal by the time I got home. I was very shakey with hunger and fatigue. I also did tires which tires me out and we pushed a car up a hill. I was also faking falling on the drive home. It just wasn't a good recipe for intimacy. I tried but I couldn't be into it and I felt so bad because I knew she'd feel rejected.
    Today should be a much easier today and I hope I can show her true intimacy.
     
  8. Jak3

    Jak3 Fapstronaut

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    I've been mia for a little bit. I've been slacking on IA work. I feel so overwhelmed with everything that's going on. With school, work and home. And I've been really tired. I think all that have helped with my slacking. I don't really know why I've been so bad lately though. I know it's not an excuse but I wonder if that has anything to do with my motivation or anything. Maybe it contributes to my tiredness.I feel really bad that I've been missing the work did much. I definitely need to get some IA homework early in the morning .
     
  9. Jak3

    Jak3 Fapstronaut

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    Last night was tough. I picked Savannah up from the city and she said that I have 24 hours to do certain IA recovery work oo we divorce. She was done with me avoiding it and slacking off. I haven't been doing my work for probably over a week by now. I haven't been showing any positive change or much effort for a while.

    Fortunately, I did everything that I needed to do and we aren't divorcing for the time being. I still have to make real progress or we'll just have to do this again, or not at all.

    I really hope I can make some real progress and keep it too.
     
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  10. Jak3

    Jak3 Fapstronaut

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    Anna has hit her limit with me. Last week's IA relapsing/minimum effort was the last chance for her. She's giving me another chance but time we're going to be physically separated. I'll be seeing her and baby A a lot. But I'll probably be going back to my dad's house, for at least a month. I haven't asked him yet if I can stay with him. I'm really anxious about how he's going to react. I know he's not going to be happy that we've gotten to this point. I'm not happy about it either.

    I'm really worried about this. If this doesn't work it'll be an official divorce.she needs a lot from me that I should be able to give her. But I am struggling so much to be remorseful and empathetic. I'm worried that I won't succeed. I get so busy with everything that kids it's to keep up and remember everything that I had to do. I don't want this separation to happen but I know it can help us. I'm just really worried about failing. I'm also scared that it'll be a self fulfilling prophecy.
     
  11. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    It doesn't have to be @Jak3. You're victimized by your own worse decisions. I want you to stop what you're doing for a moment and ponder this. Do you have any idea, I mean real idea, just how much vile shit she has waded through to salvage a relationship and marriage with you? Do ya?

    Ya know what? Sometimes this is what addicts need most. They need their Partner to drop kick their ass out the door, serve them with separation and/or divorce papers as if standing atop of the Empire State Building screaming "can you hear me now?" Well can you? Because in spite of all of the efforts on her part, you're not getting it. No indictment. It just is what it is. You're a victim of your own doing and you're your own worst enemy.

    And why? Well, for starters, I personally prioritize relationships in this order: 1. God, 2. Partner, 3. Children, 4. Parents, 5, Siblings (on both sides of the relationship), 6. Extended Family & Friends, and 7. Colleagues & Acquaintances. Those are my seven prioritizations. As for anyone beyond that? I just don't give a shit. It doesn't mean they aren't worthy individuals. It just means they are inconsequential to my circle of influence. So..., if you don't have this order of priority, I would highly suggest you do some self-reflection. Even if you don't believe in any deity or higher power, #2 is your next higher order in the priority. Damnit, why isn't she your priority? When you make time for all the other horseshit in your life, you're sending a loud and clear message to her "You're not a priority". Don't you think that is just beyond stupid in a relationship with your partner? This is what I call "Stuck on Stupid".

    Desperate times call for desperate measures. She's drawn a line in the sand with her Boundaries, and the Consequences are becoming more severe. I wouldn't minimize the situation so as to assume "...she's giving me another chance..." eiither. That's a pretty arrogant position coming from where you are sitting right now. And if you don't go back to your dad's, WTF you gonna go? Live in your car? So you haven't told him. What's the drill "Hi Dad. I'm home. Like permanently because I can't bring myself to be the kind of husband and life partner that my beautiful loving wife want's me to be." That how it works? I don't think he'll be angry, but he sure as hell will be severely disappointed. Hell, I'm disappointed, and I'm not even your father. I'm not disappointed at any possible reset or relapse in your sobriety, but in your lackadaisical efforts to restore your relationship with her. And for all intents and purposes, it stems mostly from mindlessness.

    I want to address something with you that you said here. "...I get so busy with everything...", but, and I want to emphasize "BUT", because this is important, so pay attention. BUT, Anna! Get it? You're too fucking busy with shit like "cars". Who the fuck cares about cars? It's a distraction. And anything that is a distraction that interferes with your #2 Priority is an unacceptable distraction. Don't you get it? You have all the power in the world to fix this if only you will do what you need to do to fix it. If Anna was my bride, I'd be all over it and on top of it. You have little appreciation for all that she's done for you ~ way above and beyond what most women are willing to do. Any man would be blessed to have her as a Partner. So if you lose this, you have no one else to blame but yourself.

    This whole "...self fulfilling prophesy..." you speak of? Yeah, that! Guess who's fulfilling it? Guess who has the sole key to changing it? You can break this cycle. But only you can, within your own heart, your own mind, and your own soul. You have to do this all by yourself. You have to walk this path by yourself. Any and all of us can support you, but only from the sidelines as we cheer you on on your journey. It is yours if you want it. But I caution you. There is a deadline on the proverbial timeline, and like the doomsday clock, when the clock strikes midnight, what's done is done, what's destroyed is destroyed, and what's dead is dead. When she comes to a point in her life that her love for you is dead inside of her. you're permanently finished in the relationship. The only thing that ties you together from that point forward is Baby A who is watching you as his only source of reference for what fatherhood should look like. You're his teacher and he's your apple and you're his tree. You need to think about that too. You know, your #3 priority.

    Look man, I wouldn't say all this shit to you if I didn't love you. Seriously, I wouldn't. You need to get your head out of the sand, or the orifice of your choice, and put it permanently affixed atop of your shoulders where it belongs. It's a terrible position to be in, but the decision is yours to make. Let's hope you make the right one.
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2019
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  12. Jak3

    Jak3 Fapstronaut

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    Quite the motivational speech @GhostWriter.

    I know. You're right. My priorities for me need to be #1 wifey #2 Baby A, then family, work then fun. Or something like that. I realize that I've been putting work, car parting and car fun ahead of everything else. The past few days I really have tried to be better. Anna and I have hung out a lot and I've helped her around the house and I watched baby A while she took a much needed nap. I think it was a great start to this separation.

    As for my dad, I think he's warming up to this. I don't know exactly how he feels though. I need to talk to him this weekend. He really need to understand what Anna means to me and that she isn't the problem. It's like he's afraid to admit that I could be at fault.his previous only successful child of course can do no wrong. I'm really disappointed in his initial reaction. Yeah sure he is fine with me staying here but he made his own opinion of the situation without having any idea of what's going on. He thinks I'm doing nothing wrong but how the hell would he know.

    It's just frustrating .I hour I can get him to see that Anna isn't at fault here. This is all me. I just want him to support me emotionally too.
     
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  13. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Move fun to #3. You need to SCHEDULE fun!
     

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