Intimacy and love

While I was addicted my wife accused me of being emotionally unavailable and lacking empathy. Even during my reboot we would have several conversations about empathy and intimacy. Even when most of the addiction symptoms went away I had to acknowledge something else might be going on. For years my wife insisted I had High Functioning Autism or a mild form of Aspergers. We can use our addiction to medicate all kinds of mental health issues.

I read some of your old threads and you've had a very emotional and difficult reboot so far. In earlier posts you mentioned surgeries, depression, and suicidal thoughts. All of these can alter the brain's ability to feel empathy. That part of the brain is underdeveloped and we must relearn how to feel empathy. Also, if some of these other problems are persisting then they will continue to block your brain's ability to feel empathy. There is no shame in going to see a doctor or therapist and admitting you are having a very difficult time overcoming an addiction. If your brain chemistry is legitimately out of balance then you are fighting a lopsided battle. Here's an interesting article on EDD - Empathy Deficit Disorder.

Another thought is that relationship benefits take can take more time to appear. During our reboot we can be so focused on our mental and physical state that we ignore how others around us are feeling. If we are in pain all the time then it's hard to appreciate how others are feeling. After we get rid of the brain fog it takes time to tune in to our partner's feelings. We might have treated them like crap for a long time and need to rebuild their trust in us.

I understand how you feel. I've been accused of being broken and I've been accused of being uncaring and neglectful. There have been times when I thought I was doing pretty good at noticing things and then I get blindsided by all the things I missed. It's led me to feel depressed and hopeless. Even though I might not have the natural ability to be empathetic like everyone else, I learned that I can mimic those qualities. Other parts of the brain can help compensate. So your situation is not hopeless. You can't force yourself to heal faster. You are still early in your reboot and you may start to see improvements over the next few months. Work on what is in your power to fix, and don't stress about things that are out of your control.

 

It does help. I used to be insanely irritable, in retrospect because I preferred being alone and having the time and space to do 'my thing'. Ridding my life of that has left me much more open. Which she has noticed. With sex, its the same - I'm in the moment as opposed to thinking about porn to get me through. It's important to tell her what's going on with you, and to listen to her about what's going on with her. Porn robs a relationship of openness, because how can you be completely open when you're hiding your habits. Retrieving that openness an have a wonderful effect, or so it seems to me so far (c. 3 months no porn, 46 says no M).

 

Yeah it does help with that, at least for me. I was the same, didn't even realise PMO was the problem. I'm still irritable at times (it's in my nature) but so much less than before. I would say though I'm surprised you're not seeing results after 40 days. Have you given up porn and masturbation?

 

I identify with a lot of what has been said here. Chasing time by yourself, being diagnosed as aspergers orbautistic by your spouse, irratability.

One thing I notice is that I talk more when abstaining and am genuinely more interested in other people. I try to follow that. I try to engage more at trivial moments. We were watching a movie that we both thought was kind of disappointing and instead of just saying "this is bad," I started talking about why I thought so. Shared insights...even dumb little ones like this spark a conversation. Conversations are foundational to intimacy. So I guess what I am getting at is dont focus on intimacy per se...maybe just focus on talking more about anything and follow the connections where they lead.

Good luck.