Insecure

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Freespirit448, Oct 16, 2018.

  1. Freespirit448

    Freespirit448 New Fapstronaut

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    hi there
    This is my first post. I am 22 and have been dating my boyfriend for about 7 months now. I have always been the one to initiate sex and after about a month of us dating he started going soft during sex. He would say that it was because we have had it so much he has had no time to rest or recharge. So I waited and would get impatient and would initiate things again and it would just cause us to fight. He would say that I have an abnormally high sex drive and that he is normal. I started to see pictures of half naked girls on his phone and his Instagram that he would follow. I confronted him and he just said “I like women but I come home to you don’t I? It made me feel really insecure. Like I was everything he wanted in a relationships except sexually I wasn’t enough. Finally I told him let’s go a week without doing anything to ourselves while I was out of town and when I get back it will be great. So I did....but he didn’t. I got home and he said he only jerked off once while i was gone and it wasn’t to porn. So we tried to have sex and he could stay hard. So I started to feel like it was my fault and get self conscious. Then he told me that he lied and he jacked off almost everyday and it was to porn. I was in tears and I was so mad that he lied. We got into a huge fight and he got defensive saying he didn’t have a problem. We dropped the subject for a while and he started following half naked women on Instagram again and I snapped. I told him to made me feel that I wasn’t enough for him sexually. That every time we have sex I am rarely facing him. He mainly has me facing the other way as if he doesn’t want to see my face or be reminded he is having sex with me. He admitted he has a problem and started the nofap thing. He is trying really hard but now he is never horny. He pushes me away when I try to have sex and I get jealous anytime he is around another attractive female wondering if that’s the kind of face or body that would get him going if I can’t. I’m hurting and I feel like I’m not enough and so inadequate. I know he loves me and he isn’t pulling away in any other instance. We talk and we laugh and cuddle in bed but I’m just starting to feel like I’m the intellectual relationship that he loves but that sexually he wants something or someone else. It’s just really started to take its toll on my self esteem.
     
  2. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Welcome @Freespirit448

    I'm sorry that his problem has brought you here but hopefully you will learn a lot from others going through the same. The first thing you need to understand about porn addiction is that none of it is your fault. It's not because you are not good enough, or sexually attractive enough. He sounds like he's got PIED (porn induced erectile dysfunction) and most porn addicts suffer from it at some point. He would react the same (can't get an erection) with any women he tried to have a sexual encounter with so don't take it personally - it's got nothing to do with you not being good enough. It's because of the copious amount of P watching and masturbating. The positive thing is that he was eventually honest with you and told you he was masturbating to P everyday. A lot men just continuously lie about it. And he's admitted he has a problem and is now on NoFap. They are all positives. Maybe he can look into seeing a CSAT therapist or even doing the NoFap Academy course. Unfortunately pushing him to do recovery work won't work, he has to want this and do it for himself otherwise he'll never truly recover - he'll only be doing it for you and eventually relapse. He has to want it for himself. The best thing you can do is establish boundaries and consequences to protect yourself and do some healing work on yourself. There are many betrayal trauma books and courses available. I'll post a couple of links below that will help get you started if you haven't seen them already. Suggested resources and information that other SO have put together. Most important is focusing on healing yourself so you can rebuild your confidence and self esteem. Just know it's definitely not you that is the problem. I've been married for 21 years and my husband has been addicted to porn for even longer. So it's good that you's are dealing with this now so early on. All the best with it!! xx

    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/resources-that-are-helpful-to-both-pa-and-so.108414/

    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/lets-talk-about-boundaries.109686/page-9#post-1701078

    Below is a site that has loads of free courses too. Im currently doing the first one (Healing Trauma from Sexual Betrayal)

    https://bloomforwomen.com/courses/

    A good book also available through amazon kindle is

    "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, How Partners can Cope & Heal" by Barbara Steffans & Marsha Means
     
    Square79 and NF4L like this.
  3. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

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    Honesty matters.. Thanks for your post. Very helpful.

    How is the bloom for women course?is it religious? I am not religious, that's why I am asking.

    I can not find anything about costs of the course, which I don't like. When do they ask for payment and how much is it?

    And does it help you? Seems like a lot of input, I looked at the course details.
     
  4. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Hi Square79

    The course is going well. I'm only half way through the first one at the moment and it's free- Healing Trauma from Sexual Betrayal. Ive been writing about it as I go in my journal.... and Yes, I think it's helping. Sometimes I get a little frustrated digging up all the old wounds / and trauma over the years but it's all necessary i guess in processing it and healing. I've read your journal a few times before and I really feel for what you must be going through. I think Bloom would be so so good for you! It's not religious at all - I'm not religious either. There are 50 free courses on there. So you don't have to pay. You just sign up and you get access to the free courses. You also get a free one on one with a trauma coach if you want it when you sign up. They send you an email. The paid version I believe gives you access to their online forum, further courses as well as one on one sessions with trained therapists. I think it was about $40 a month but I thought I'd try the free courses first. They also have a heap of free yoga and meditation on there if you were interested in it. I've just started their yoga which is awesome! Given that it's all free I'm pretty happy with it. Let me know if you need any help with anything xx
     
  5. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

  6. There's so much odd stuff that happens with this addiction like PIED and then when they quit P, they can get flatline which is a drop in sex drive for a time. Then there's depression and withdrawals among other things. Research so you can recognize the symptoms and signs, educated yourself so you know what to expect. That's really the only thing you can control but I found for me it helps to have knowledge on it because my husband won't share his feelings on it, doesn't want to admit he has a problem. In that regard your boyfriend is showing positive signs of wanting to recover, just know it won't be easy and there are these bumps along the way so you can be prepared.

    And remember you are good enough, it's him that is lacking. You're so gracious to have mercy on him and give him this chance to be the partner you need.
     
  7. Freespirit448

    Freespirit448 New Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your advice. He told me right now he has no sex drive and is flat lining. I just feel so undesirable to him. I want to know what he will want me again ya know?
     

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