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Initiating sex with PA in recovery.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Cbelle41, May 20, 2018.

  1. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    My thread/full story here:
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/healing-together.159878/

    Idk if I have to do that every time I post but I figure its helpful. Lol
    So my SO and I have been practicing a few things toward healthy intimacy that my therapist suggested. One of them is nude cuddling. He and I have not had any sexual contact in quite some time. It has always been a little off because of his PIED ( which of course we hadn't recognized until recently) as well as some other issues he has. Once he relapsed, it stopped. Actually a failed sexual encounter after almost 5 months of nothing is what finally made him admit his relapse.
    He did almost 60 days in hard mode which we agreed upon.
    We decided that we needed to reintroduce ourselves sexually to one another and work on helping him connect intimacy and sex which had clearly never been connected in his brain.
    So we figured naked cuddling was perfect.
    We cuddle all the time, but doing it nude would kind of awaken those senses.
    Its been going great. But I know we need to go further.
    I am not without baggage of course. I am overweight with a lot of insecurities about my body, I was in an abusive relationship with someone who made it his mission to make sure I felt sexually undesirable. Anytime I would try to initiate sex... even verbally... with my ex he rejected me. He always wanted to be the one to initiate because he's a man and that's how it should be. Even before that, I was never comfortable being so demonstrative. Maybe some deep seeded issue of only being sexual when prompted because of insecurity. Could be a lot of things. So already without the issue of the PA there is a problem there.
    My therapist recently asked me how I communicate my sexual needs and desires to my partner. I said I basically don't. I don't think I've ever once initiated sexual contact with my SO.
    My therapist decided that I have embarrassment and shame surrounding my sexual desires. I must feel somehow that I'm not entitled to them. I feel embarrassed that I have them at all. It's just another layer of the shell that I built around myself over the years.

    Even the nude cuddling has been initiated by him thus far. He quickly takes off his clothing and I go layer-by-layer. I always hesitate. Tonight, we talked about the conversation I had with my therapist and I had kind of decided that tonight was the night for me to initiate a bit. I froze up. Fears of rejection, fears of ED, etc. Also....maybe a bit of fear that it will trigger him. That whole chaser effect thing , maybe.
    It's just that first time that is difficult I suppose.
    And also, I have no idea how to initiate it LOL. Do I guide his hands? Do I just go ahead and get on him? LOL. Do I tell him what I want him to do? I literally have no idea. Since I've spent a good amount of my life feeling like I am not a sexual being, it's hard for me to let that part out. I am certainly no master in The Art of Seduction LOL but I know that it is as important for me to work on myself as it is for him to work on himself. He is not the only one with a problem.
    Are there any SOS in here that have had this problem or have trouble initiating sex while you're SO is in recovery?
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2018
    Nugget9 and hope4healing like this.
  2. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    I use to initiate often, but over the years the rejection hurt way too much. I've all but stopped until recently. My advances use to be welcome but as time went on there were more and more excuses not to or PIED would happen. I am starting to feel safer, desired now so am starting to feel more comfortable and confident. I am still leaving it mostly up to him for now. But as to how to initiate? Any and all ways you listed. It depends on the mood, sometimes it is a subtle hint and other times a demand. Words, actions, all of it. Do whatever you are comfortable with and as time goes on try new things.
     
    Nugget9 and hope4healing like this.
  3. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    See that's what I mean!
    I think part of it is wanting him to initiate not only because of my hangups but also because I want to do what he is comfortable with. I feel like I'm handling him with kid gloves. So I guess I am kind of following his lead and letting him tell me what hes comfortable with by his action.
    It's a weird thing honestly. I appreciate your response. Its gonna be hard to me to break out of my own shell but I think that I can as long as we are both patient.
     
    Nugget9, Kenzi and hope4healing like this.
  4. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    I agree that him showing the interest and taking the initiative to show me he is stimulated by me will do a great deal to repair the self esteem I've lost.
    I think this is where the SO has issues.
    Because we cant fix both problems at once, right ? I feel like we focus so much of what he needs for HIS recovery and I agree his problem needs addressing.
    But does that have to mean I sacrifice all of my needs in the process?
    It's going to be a difficult conversation honestly because I don't think he even realizes how long it's been since hes paid me any real sexual attention. And I know I should work on taking the initiative and being a bit more aggressive and voice my needs. But... itd he nice if he, on his own, realized I've been neglected in this way a bit and decided to focus on me. It may sound totally selfish but at the same time if the role was reversed I would want to make sure my partner was feeling loved in whatever way I could.
    We SOs deal with a lot of shit.
    We make the choice to,of course. Because we love them
    And trust me,I am not without flaw or baggage. I am no walk in the park either. But because I know this... I go a little extra for him where I can. See what I mean?
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  5. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    It definitely makes sense. I know that between the pmo and aspergers,its all but killed his ability to connect love and intimacy with sex. Hes been very mechanical in the past. The goal is to orgasm. The only goal. I told him early on that he sucked all the romance out of sex and it's only now after his full disclosure that it all makes sense. He was already brainwired with a difficulty being intimate. Add P and M to that, and it's easy to see he was basically fucked where he stood.
    We are working on the intimacy and hes been doing well. But what I meant here was as far as the actual sexual stuff goes.. part of me feels HE should initiate in this case because 1. He can be in control of how far he wants to go and what hes comfortable doing and 2. He should want it to be a little more all about me sexually at the moment since so many of our past encounters were centered around him.
    The way I feel right now is that if he doesnt initiate, he must not want to do it. And I'm not trying to force anything here. He did tell me he was comfortable with me initiating, but I fear that in the moment I'll get turned down and frankly, with all the ED issues we've had, it would hurt to be rejected and I'm totally feeling sensitive and anxious over it. And I'm more than sure he is too, which might be why hes not initiating either.



    He does get defensive but hes always been very receptive to feedback and when we do have a calm discussion he is quite good about it. It's only when he feels backed into a corner or like hes being attacked that it turns into an argument. Understandably.
    I'm sure the fact I've not had any sexual activity in almost 7-8 months hadn't even crossed his mind.
    Hes not wired in this way. But like you said, it's the intimacy I'm after, and he is trying. I'm super grateful for that. And I acknowledge it.
    That being said, though... I admit to being a bit sexually frustrated. It would be nice to get a little somethin somethin..... lol... I'm sharing way too much here

    Well my crazy came before he did.
    I've struggled with anxiety and more recently full blown panic attacks. Also PTSD from a horribly abusive relationship. (Every form of abuse).
    So HE didnt really make me crazy. And I try to not make him the victim of anothers mistake..but occasionally it does come up.
    This relationship opened my eyes to just how much the other guy messed me up. I've come a long way and hes been incredibly patient.

    When I say the little extra, I really mean I make sure he knows his efforts are appreciated and that his good actions have value.

    You're really awesome with how much you respond to people here and with such well thought responses and perspective. I truly appreciate it.
     
    phuck-porn! likes this.
  6. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    So just to update... we did get down with a bit of foreplay this weekend...and it took a while to get up the nerve but I initiated !! Not full S and he didnt O, but its definitely a step in the right direction. He didn't really do much to me, but I figure we work on one thing at a time. I plan to talk to him soon about reciprocating, or more his own initiative to show intimacy toward me, but this was satisfying enough for now. We are really doing well with being intimate in general. So hopefully we can continue taking baby steps toward more.
     
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