Incognito rears it’s ugly head again.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Vixen, Nov 16, 2018.

  1. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    I'm a photographer, so I have Adobe Lightroom & Photoshop on my phone & laptop that my tumor paid for & set up for me.
    Somehow it's possible to sync email accounts via Adobe. My tumor figured this out & has had access to my email for the past month. I thought I had spyware because he seemed to know what I was doing at all times; super creepy.
    I just figured out today how he was really keeping tabs on me.

    BUT, the tumor forgot that I can see what he was looking at too.....holy fuckballs, was I blind. BLIND.

    I ditched my phone the day I filed. I'm ditching my email next.

    Bizarre.

    Please do not give him your phone. It's the worst thing a spouse can do when married to an addict. He's desperate to find something bad on you because he's running out of excuses for how he's not 100% responsible for the state of your marriage.
     
  2. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    On the topic of consequences, which I guess I still don’t have much of a handle on... in the course of his hostility and belligerent gaslighting last night, I asked him to sleep in the other room. He didn’t even consider it for a moment. Absolutely not. And he continued to bulldoze. So emotionally exhausted. The conversation eventually softens into him proclaiming love and trying to snuggle me but I’m just...an emotional zombie right now.
     
  3. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    First of all, you are instilling this as a boundary issue for you. Second of all, he doesn't get to dictate anything to you. Not that he ever had that ability, but he has positioned himself where he is backed into a corner. He did this. Not you. This tit4tat childish immature bullshit he is pulling is nothing more than a control issue. Every single step of the way, he is trying to negotiate a win. There is no win for him at this point in time. You would do well to serve him a dose of his own medicine, and force the issue. "No, I'm not installing the software on my phone. This is a direct result of your persistent boundary violations. Either do it, or suffer the consequences." That's it. End of conversation. The choice is his. STAND YOUR GROUND. Haven't you had enough of his games? Hell, send him my way. I'll tell him in no uncertain terms. STOP allowing this man to abuse you emotionally and mentally in this relationship. If you don't stand your ground now, then when?You know we're only trying to help you.
     
  4. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    This is the classic behavior of an abuser. He bullies you to the point of exhaustion, and then provides a "safe place" for the pain and suffering he caused. The safe place is what keeps you coming back. That's why they do it.
     
  5. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    Why do/did they keep us around? I am so confused by that. Wouldn't life be easier for the addict to just dip out? Do they keep us to play the role of the "perfect" family?
     
    Thor god of thunder likes this.
  6. Good question.
    I would have loved for my wife to take more of an interest in helping me quit. But I wanted to stop the whole time and just couldn’t. I had been free of M for over 3 years before I confessed to her.
    If I really wanted to just PMO all of the time, seems easier to just be alone and do that.
    Why torture someone else?
     
    Jennica and cakeinacrisis like this.
  7. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Reluctantly addressed the issue again tonight. Briefly. Because I’m so tired of it. I don’t think he can muster any singular response where he’s not blaming me or questioning me “not being clearheaded” or me being “overly emotional.” I am not even crying. Not screaming. Not insulting.

    So I don’t want waste more energy on that so I just grew silent and eventually left the room. I would prefer him to leave and sleep elsewhere but history shows he is blatantly disrespectful to that. The future is not looking too bright right now.
     
    Thor god of thunder likes this.
  8. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    I was never told a thing or led to believe there was a problem. Obviously, I knew something was going on, but a SA never in a million years crossed my mind, the entire time I've known my husband. I had no opportunity to be supportive until I stepped on the IED this summer.
    I was supportive after dday, until I felt that gut feeling creep back.

    All I asked for was honesty & to not be blamed. I'm still trying to fathom, how a father intentionally destroys the mother of his children. I can't imagine what kind of mom they would have had if I stayed. For sure I would have become an insecure, self-loathing, resentful woman.

    I pray your patience holds firm until you figure everything out :)
     
  9. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    Guess what?
    The sun will come up tomorrow & your intuition is making a comeback. Win-Win.
    It friggin sucks. I won't pretend like it doesn't. You seem to have an amazing head on your shoulders. You're gonna be just fine, no matter what ;)
     
  10. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, cake! One thing is for sure. I can’t allow things to get much worse. I’ve come to the realization that even if he hasn’t relapsed— the current reality of his attitudes toward me, the history I do know of, and his previous/ongoing emotional abuse does not make this safe for me.

    I don’t want to be a depressed shell of myself. If he’s not going to be supportive, take responsibility and pursue rebuilding trust— rather than tear me down as he flails to hold onto something that puts himself in a better light— I really need to spend my time in ways that are more productive and allow me to be happy.
     
  11. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    I'm proud of you.
    I can attest to the amount of energy & time it takes to live with an active/dry drunk while trying to pick up the pieces & learn how to love yourself again.

    You should be proud of yourself!
    Get some rest; the world will be more level tomorrow :)
     
  12. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Yep. Exactly!
     
    cakeinacrisis likes this.
  13. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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  14. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Ghost! That was good. I’m following her on instagram now. Pretty sure my husband is a covert narcissist. My current goal is to not subject myself to any more heaping stinking piles of gaslight tyrades.
     
  15. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Reach out to me if you want/need help or a sanity check. This shit is getting old with him for me. I can only imagine what it must be like for you living it. @cakeinacrisis is well equipped with knowledge, so I'm sure she won't mind you reaching out to her too.
     
  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I'm going to pass a warning here...
    Do not diagnose your husband.
    Your way too close to the situation.
    Most PAs, while they have narcissistic like qualities (and trust me, that's fun!) aren't TRUE narcissists!
    Narcissism is a trait of several other mental health disorders that could be a number of his issues at root cause, and if you stop right now with "simple narcissist" you may actually be doing yourself a disservice.
    Well knowing and understanding gaslighting is good and knowing and understanding narcissism is good, do not limit yourself, do not limit his potential, do not diagnose your husband.
    If you think he does have a more serious complex issue...
    Bring it up in therapy.
    Try to get to root cause.
    Even narcissism has root cause.
    No cure... But it has root cause.
    And that's really the point.... To understand and to heal & so you can make appropriate lifestyle changes.
     
    Vixen likes this.
  17. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    A light reminder ghost.... While gaslighting is a "socios favorite tool" its also automatic to most PAs these days because they are just traumatized children because their brains are stuck in the age that they started watching porn and the gray matter hasn't had a chance to breathe. They lack true empathy because that part of the brain never opened up if their addiction started in the middle of puberty..
    It's not so much "they like it that way" as they are "temporarily stuck that way" and early in recovery...
    Everyone should get a chance
    This is why things are unfairly on the spouse to create boundaries, often times.... Because if the PA truly WANTS change, he will step into the ring and try to change.
    You can't help someone who doesn't want to receive help.
    You wanted the help,ghostie...However, there was also a point where you didn't.
    The men you reach to, I understand where you are coming from but you should remember that you got there in the same fashion.
    I hope you are having a fantastic day otherwise.
    It's good to see you again.
     
  18. ivanhoe

    ivanhoe Fapstronaut

    I know i am late replying to this but given the other evidence it's pretty obvious (refusing accountability software, chat windows.

    But just food for thought - I use incognito and/or Tor and VPN - and I live alone -- because if you do visit a site like this, it can be picked up by Third party cookies etc and pegged to your gmail account etc.

    I suggest everyone at the very least use a separate browser where you don't check your facebook, email etc. - or something like brave browser- if you'd like to maintain privacy.
     
  19. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    You just answered everyones questions when the PAs gaslight on "I don't know how those spam emails originated!"

    But... Who are you suggesting to, exactly?
     
  20. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I think I need to add a point of clarity here. My purpose was NOT to lay claim to your Partner being a "Narcissist". I have no idea whether he is or not, and I certainly am in no position to make that claim. My purpose was to help clarify and identify "Gaslighting". So in that respect, I think I may have failed. Don't let your take away from this to be he is a "Narcissist". He may be. But he may not be. The question I have to ask you is did the video help you identify the gaslighting behaviors which is what I was really after. Sorry, I should have made that distinction and been much more clear about it.
     

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