Incognito rears it’s ugly head again.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Vixen, Nov 16, 2018.

  1. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Why do/did they keep us around? I am so confused by that. Wouldn't life be easier for the addict to just dip out? Do they keep us to play the role of the "perfect" family?
     
    Thor god of thunder likes this.
  2. Good question.
    I would have loved for my wife to take more of an interest in helping me quit. But I wanted to stop the whole time and just couldn’t. I had been free of M for over 3 years before I confessed to her.
    If I really wanted to just PMO all of the time, seems easier to just be alone and do that.
    Why torture someone else?
     
    Jennica and 0111zerozero11 like this.
  3. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Reluctantly addressed the issue again tonight. Briefly. Because I’m so tired of it. I don’t think he can muster any singular response where he’s not blaming me or questioning me “not being clearheaded” or me being “overly emotional.” I am not even crying. Not screaming. Not insulting.

    So I don’t want waste more energy on that so I just grew silent and eventually left the room. I would prefer him to leave and sleep elsewhere but history shows he is blatantly disrespectful to that. The future is not looking too bright right now.
     
    Thor god of thunder likes this.
  4. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I was never told a thing or led to believe there was a problem. Obviously, I knew something was going on, but a SA never in a million years crossed my mind, the entire time I've known my husband. I had no opportunity to be supportive until I stepped on the IED this summer.
    I was supportive after dday, until I felt that gut feeling creep back.

    All I asked for was honesty & to not be blamed. I'm still trying to fathom, how a father intentionally destroys the mother of his children. I can't imagine what kind of mom they would have had if I stayed. For sure I would have become an insecure, self-loathing, resentful woman.

    I pray your patience holds firm until you figure everything out :)
     
  5. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Guess what?
    The sun will come up tomorrow & your intuition is making a comeback. Win-Win.
    It friggin sucks. I won't pretend like it doesn't. You seem to have an amazing head on your shoulders. You're gonna be just fine, no matter what ;)
     
  6. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, cake! One thing is for sure. I can’t allow things to get much worse. I’ve come to the realization that even if he hasn’t relapsed— the current reality of his attitudes toward me, the history I do know of, and his previous/ongoing emotional abuse does not make this safe for me.

    I don’t want to be a depressed shell of myself. If he’s not going to be supportive, take responsibility and pursue rebuilding trust— rather than tear me down as he flails to hold onto something that puts himself in a better light— I really need to spend my time in ways that are more productive and allow me to be happy.
     
  7. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I'm proud of you.
    I can attest to the amount of energy & time it takes to live with an active/dry drunk while trying to pick up the pieces & learn how to love yourself again.

    You should be proud of yourself!
    Get some rest; the world will be more level tomorrow :)
     
  8. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Ghost! That was good. I’m following her on instagram now. Pretty sure my husband is a covert narcissist. My current goal is to not subject myself to any more heaping stinking piles of gaslight tyrades.
     
  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I'm going to pass a warning here...
    Do not diagnose your husband.
    Your way too close to the situation.
    Most PAs, while they have narcissistic like qualities (and trust me, that's fun!) aren't TRUE narcissists!
    Narcissism is a trait of several other mental health disorders that could be a number of his issues at root cause, and if you stop right now with "simple narcissist" you may actually be doing yourself a disservice.
    Well knowing and understanding gaslighting is good and knowing and understanding narcissism is good, do not limit yourself, do not limit his potential, do not diagnose your husband.
    If you think he does have a more serious complex issue...
    Bring it up in therapy.
    Try to get to root cause.
    Even narcissism has root cause.
    No cure... But it has root cause.
    And that's really the point.... To understand and to heal & so you can make appropriate lifestyle changes.
     
    Vixen likes this.
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    A light reminder ghost.... While gaslighting is a "socios favorite tool" its also automatic to most PAs these days because they are just traumatized children because their brains are stuck in the age that they started watching porn and the gray matter hasn't had a chance to breathe. They lack true empathy because that part of the brain never opened up if their addiction started in the middle of puberty..
    It's not so much "they like it that way" as they are "temporarily stuck that way" and early in recovery...
    Everyone should get a chance
    This is why things are unfairly on the spouse to create boundaries, often times.... Because if the PA truly WANTS change, he will step into the ring and try to change.
    You can't help someone who doesn't want to receive help.
    You wanted the help,ghostie...However, there was also a point where you didn't.
    The men you reach to, I understand where you are coming from but you should remember that you got there in the same fashion.
    I hope you are having a fantastic day otherwise.
    It's good to see you again.
     
  11. ivanhoe

    ivanhoe Fapstronaut

    I know i am late replying to this but given the other evidence it's pretty obvious (refusing accountability software, chat windows.

    But just food for thought - I use incognito and/or Tor and VPN - and I live alone -- because if you do visit a site like this, it can be picked up by Third party cookies etc and pegged to your gmail account etc.

    I suggest everyone at the very least use a separate browser where you don't check your facebook, email etc. - or something like brave browser- if you'd like to maintain privacy.
     
  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    You just answered everyones questions when the PAs gaslight on "I don't know how those spam emails originated!"

    But... Who are you suggesting to, exactly?
     
  13. ivanhoe

    ivanhoe Fapstronaut

    everyone should take basic privacy precautions. Incognito mode =! porn surfing.
    Be particularly careful with sensitive personal, medical and financial issues.
     
  14. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I appreciate the advisory. For the record I’ve considered that he may be covert narcissist or have antisocial personality disorder far prior to the video ghost shared.

    My husband has basically decided he’s not actually an addict since he was able to quit so easily. If I humor this notion, what is he then? A jerk? Or an addict with amazing self control (yet the empathy/emotional memory of a goldfish)?

    I try to remind myself what he is exactly doesn’t matter quite as much as how his behavior affects me. But I’m pretty dang perplexed about this dick debacle. I think my brain likes to obsess on info to give my heart a break from breaking over the emotional aspects.
     
  15. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    He was without a doubt looking at P. You know that, he knows that. From another post I see he's put the software on now...
    If he takes it off again KICK HIM OUT. I'm not saying this with a grain of salt.
     

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