Incognito rears it’s ugly head again.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Vixen, Nov 16, 2018.

  1. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Discovered my husband has been using incognito on his phone.

    He claims it’s just to look up sex/relationship advice, looking toward the completion of his 90 day reboot.

    Why should I believe this? Other than the fact I really would rather not blow up my marriage especially for my kids.

    I ask him to reinstall accountability software. He refuses. Says it “was not helping before.” He originally agreed to it but deleted it several weeks ago when I left town after he lied to me again.

    He maintains he still hasn’t looked at porn, masturbated nor has he done anything wrong.

    Ps- Incognito was the screen I discovered right before I found multiple chat windows open with girls. While he posed as a women to solicit sexual conversations and cybersex. In a “girls only” 13+ chatroom.

    So I’m triggered as hell.

    Even if what he says at the moment is true— why deny me the comfort of installing accountability software?

    Broken trust takes a while to rebuild. Especially with lies and hiding things along the way.

    He says he doesn’t deserve for me to be unhappy about this.

    Btw I thought it would be obvious but I have now included “no incognito” to my boundaries.

    He’s blaming my discontent on being sick this week and disappointed about weekend plans falling through (related to being contagious). Yes it’s been an awful week but not being able to trust my spouse is the enraging cherry on top.

    Don’t know what to do.

    Apparently whether I trust him or not is only my problem.
     
  2. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    You still have your intuition; find it & listen to it.
     
  3. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    If you're hoping that another PA or SO will see this post and tell you that he's definitely telling you the truth, I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed.

    Try to remember, you aren't the one making the choices that will destroy your marriage. I know it's hard when you're being gaslit so heavily.
     
  4. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    I wouldn't believe him either. Accountability software shouldn't block anything so having it on doesn't get in the way, unless he doesn't want to be caught doing something. Trust your gut. I know sometimes you really just want to believe them, but they have to earn that back. It just doesn't happen, it takes a lot of hard work and time.
     
  5. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, and "the check is in the mail" and "I won't...FILL IN THE BLANK". LOL!
    Because you're foolish? Gullible? Desperate? Actually, none of those work for you, so your' only answer is "No, you should NOT believe this". Violation of Boundary #4.
    Wrong answer! Violation of Boundary #6. It wasn't helping before because it interfered with his PMO activity.
    Then install the damned accountability software NOW and DO NOT remove it. If you're not venturing into places you have no business, it shouldn't be a problem.
    He has no excuse. Period.
    And yet he is doing everything in his power to destroy that trust.
    LOL, now that really took an enormous set of balls to say. Does he really wanna talk about who deserves what? Does he really want to go there?
    It was obvious to the most casual observer. See why I am clear about making Boundaries clear, concise, and to the point such that there can be no mistake in intent? This is predcisely the reason. I still would throw this into Violation of Boundary #4, and then add it as it's own line item. BTW, remember, your Boundaries aren't subject to his negotiation. They are yours!
    Yep, it's definitely your fault. You shouldn't have been "...sick this week..." or
    ...disappointed about weekend plans falling through..." Is he F'ing kidding me? Two new points of Gaslighting. That's 2 Violations of Boundary #3.
    I do! Make it his problem!

    Do I need to spell it out for ya?

    He is not only NOT trying. He is blatantly being malicious in his intent. I don't believe I ever saw your Consequences. He isn't violating boundaries because he is failing trying to quit. He is violating boundaries because he doesn't respect them, and just doesn't care if you object to them in any way. He's calling your bluff. Now, I think it is time to call his. I would go find myself an attorney, pick one who plays golf with the Judge on Sunday (because in spite of the law, they know one another on a personal level), get an order of separation, a restraining order, and drop kick his belligerent ass out the door courtesy of the Sheriff's office. Nothing gets your attention quite like law enforcement. He is deliberately ignoring your Boundaries. If that speaks to him that you've had it and get's his attention of "Rock Bottom", then you may have something to work with. As of now, you haven't even gotten his attention. You're only an annoyance to him right now. Now it's time to make it more than an annoyance. Reach out to @cakeinacrisis who is going through this process as we speak. As she said, your intuition is speaking to you. Don't ignore it.

    As for @JustSadPorn & @Numb have it right on point as well. Reach out here as we've had this discussion multiple times. You've prepared for this. It's about time to stop talking and start acting. It appears to me that nothing else has garnered his attention.

    PS ~ I don't take legal separation lightly. I hate it. I absolutely look at it as a last resort. I think you're there.
     
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  6. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    I was going to post this in my journal tonight, but I wanted to make sure @Vixen saw it.

    Lazy Saturday's & much computer time, led me to discover my husband had been lying to me since August about his "sobriety". He lasted a month from our dday.
    I will have to go back in my journals, but it was around this time (I believe), that the cycle of emotional abuse known as the "honeymoon" phase was ending, & there was a definite shift in our journey.
    I didn't trust my intuition. I thought it was flatlines, that I was still somehow to blame, & that he was totally being honest with me.
    Ha.

    I figured out how to tune into my intuition a couple of weeks ago. By this point, my husband looked like death; grey, cold sweats, etc. I finally saw the spiral through clear eyes & knew, my kids could not repeat this cycle nor be around someone so cold & uncaring. Filed for divorce & haven't thought twice about it.

    Today was the biggest lesson on intuition I have ever had in my life. Up until 12 hours ago, I still thought my husband was sober this entire time. He literally looked his therapist & I in the eyes a month ago & claimed sobriety (zero mention of relapses).

    I should've listened to my intuition when I saw him looking up escorts right before our wedding...

    Trust me, you'll know when it's over. Message me any time :)
     
  7. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Is "removing accountability software and refusing to reinstall" on your boundary list, as well? If not, it should be.

    Listen to your gut, not an addict trying to protect his drug.
     
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  8. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for all the feedback you guys.

    After my being somewhat distant, he approached me tonight saying he’s willing to put the accountability software on his phone but I have to do something for him. Because he sees it as a step back. I don’t even know what he expects but it seems ridiculous that he’s using this as a power play.
     
  9. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    What you do is up to you, but that's bullshit and that's a deal breaker. There is NO negotiation. You WILL reinstall the software, period, end of story. No concessions.
     
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2018
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  10. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @cakeinacrisis!
     
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  11. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    Noooooooooope.
    Don't you do it!
     
  12. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    You dont owe him anything. He's gaslighting you. He installs it or you uphold a consequence.
     
  13. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    You owe him nothing . This is not about that !! That right there should leave you no doubt that he is active in his PA . He’s making it about HIM . It is not . This is about YOU feeling safe in your relationship!!
     
  14. Soooooo.... he’s worried about what HE deserves?!?! Lol

    He is totally lying about everything. He’s not on any kind of sobriety or recovery based on the info you provided.
    Takes one to know one as they say, an I say he’s hiding and lying and trying to shift blame and looking for some way to stay in the addiction.

    Lying to ourselves is a great trick too.
    Eg. “I’ve abstained for 3 days, a week, 15 days, whatever, so I’m cured. No need to mention my relapse.”

    Anyway, sorry :(
     
  15. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    After argument unpleasantries he eventually decided he wants complete access to my phone in exchange. He once had that but I became more guarded and changed my password after he broke trust. I’m not sure if I should approach this as “don’t negotiate with terrorists” since this is not an item to barter. Or if I should concede to role model openess. Hmm. Thoughts welcome.
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2018
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  16. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    As a PA, I just made openness to my phone welcome to her. But I wasn’t caught and she isn’t easily triggered.

    But this relationship is different from all others such that we married and share tons of preferences.

    We share or have access to each other’s passwords including the same one for the phones.

    Now if he makes you feel unsafe in other ways, maybe take the label “husband” off of him and ask does his trust worthiness in other areas make this a wise thing to do?

    Some women keep mad money and other “escape pods” available in the event crp hits the fan. If that is possibly you, then he gets to prove his worth before he gets back full keys to your kingdom?

    OTOH I put life 360 on both of our phones not for any P issue, but for better communications when we are out and about during the day.

    His quid pro quo is irritating to me and
    so it would make me want to say no.
    But then I’m not married to a man. :)

    Hope this helped.
     
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  17. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    If this were me and my husband...

    I would tell him absolutely not. Not because I have anything to hide, but because I have done nothing to break his trust or betray him, the way he has me. He doesnt get to demand things from me when he obviously has no interest in repairing the damage he's done. He broke trust, he has to rebuild it. It is not tit for tat, nor is it a negotiation. Either meet these boundaries to make me feel safe and regain my trust, or take the consequences i have set up.

    It's not the issue of you not letting him have access to your phone, it's that he's using that as a manipulative tool to take the heat off of him and his actions. It's another way to gaslight you.
     
  18. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    My husband can access any time he would want to ask .... he never has . He knows I have nothing to hide .... I think he feels guilty and wants to find something on you TBH .
     
  19. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Mine is open for my husband to access at any time as well. My issue is if he demanded it in order to be forthcoming on his part. That wouldn't fly with me.
     
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  20. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    The way things are going with your husband, I agree with @Trappist. Your husband already threatened that he will not to allow you to take your children out of the home again. Controlling your whereabouts and using your children as pawns are signs of domestic violence. Your phone might need to be a life-line for you and for your kids.

    I really hope I'm being too cautious here. But the fact that you already locked him out of your device tells me that your intuition is thinking along the same lines, and that is never something to ignore.
     

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