Incognito rears it’s ugly head again.

You still have your intuition; find it & listen to it.

 

If you're hoping that another PA or SO will see this post and tell you that he's definitely telling you the truth, I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed.

Try to remember, you aren't the one making the choices that will destroy your marriage. I know it's hard when you're being gaslit so heavily.

 

I wouldn't believe him either. Accountability software shouldn't block anything so having it on doesn't get in the way, unless he doesn't want to be caught doing something. Trust your gut. I know sometimes you really just want to believe them, but they have to earn that back. It just doesn't happen, it takes a lot of hard work and time.

 

I was going to post this in my journal tonight, but I wanted to make sure @Vixen saw it.

Lazy Saturday's & much computer time, led me to discover my husband had been lying to me since August about his "sobriety". He lasted a month from our dday.
I will have to go back in my journals, but it was around this time (I believe), that the cycle of emotional abuse known as the "honeymoon" phase was ending, & there was a definite shift in our journey.
I didn't trust my intuition. I thought it was flatlines, that I was still somehow to blame, & that he was totally being honest with me.
Ha.

I figured out how to tune into my intuition a couple of weeks ago. By this point, my husband looked like death; grey, cold sweats, etc. I finally saw the spiral through clear eyes & knew, my kids could not repeat this cycle nor be around someone so cold & uncaring. Filed for divorce & haven't thought twice about it.

Today was the biggest lesson on intuition I have ever had in my life. Up until 12 hours ago, I still thought my husband was sober this entire time. He literally looked his therapist & I in the eyes a month ago & claimed sobriety (zero mention of relapses).

I should've listened to my intuition when I saw him looking up escorts right before our wedding...

Trust me, you'll know when it's over. Message me any time

 

Is "removing accountability software and refusing to reinstall" on your boundary list, as well? If not, it should be.

Listen to your gut, not an addict trying to protect his drug.

 

Noooooooooope.
Don't you do it!

 

You dont owe him anything. He's gaslighting you. He installs it or you uphold a consequence.

 

You owe him nothing . This is not about that !! That right there should leave you no doubt that he is active in his PA . He’s making it about HIM . It is not . This is about YOU feeling safe in your relationship!!

 

Soooooo.... he’s worried about what HE deserves?!?! Lol

He is totally lying about everything. He’s not on any kind of sobriety or recovery based on the info you provided.
Takes one to know one as they say, an I say he’s hiding and lying and trying to shift blame and looking for some way to stay in the addiction.

Lying to ourselves is a great trick too.
Eg. “I’ve abstained for 3 days, a week, 15 days, whatever, so I’m cured. No need to mention my relapse.”

Anyway, sorry

 

As a PA, I just made openness to my phone welcome to her. But I wasn’t caught and she isn’t easily triggered.

But this relationship is different from all others such that we married and share tons of preferences.

We share or have access to each other’s passwords including the same one for the phones.

Now if he makes you feel unsafe in other ways, maybe take the label “husband” off of him and ask does his trust worthiness in other areas make this a wise thing to do?

Some women keep mad money and other “escape pods” available in the event crp hits the fan. If that is possibly you, then he gets to prove his worth before he gets back full keys to your kingdom?

OTOH I put life 360 on both of our phones not for any P issue, but for better communications when we are out and about during the day.

His quid pro quo is irritating to me and
so it would make me want to say no.
But then I’m not married to a man.

Hope this helped.

 

If this were me and my husband...

I would tell him absolutely not. Not because I have anything to hide, but because I have done nothing to break his trust or betray him, the way he has me. He doesnt get to demand things from me when he obviously has no interest in repairing the damage he's done. He broke trust, he has to rebuild it. It is not tit for tat, nor is it a negotiation. Either meet these boundaries to make me feel safe and regain my trust, or take the consequences i have set up.

It's not the issue of you not letting him have access to your phone, it's that he's using that as a manipulative tool to take the heat off of him and his actions. It's another way to gaslight you.

 

My husband can access any time he would want to ask .... he never has . He knows I have nothing to hide .... I think he feels guilty and wants to find something on you TBH .

 

Mine is open for my husband to access at any time as well. My issue is if he demanded it in order to be forthcoming on his part. That wouldn't fly with me.

 

The way things are going with your husband, I agree with @Trappist. Your husband already threatened that he will not to allow you to take your children out of the home again. Controlling your whereabouts and using your children as pawns are signs of domestic violence. Your phone might need to be a life-line for you and for your kids.

I really hope I'm being too cautious here. But the fact that you already locked him out of your device tells me that your intuition is thinking along the same lines, and that is never something to ignore.

 

I'm a photographer, so I have Adobe Lightroom & Photoshop on my phone & laptop that my tumor paid for & set up for me.
Somehow it's possible to sync email accounts via Adobe. My tumor figured this out & has had access to my email for the past month. I thought I had spyware because he seemed to know what I was doing at all times; super creepy.
I just figured out today how he was really keeping tabs on me.

BUT, the tumor forgot that I can see what he was looking at too.....holy fuckballs, was I blind. BLIND.

I ditched my phone the day I filed. I'm ditching my email next.

Bizarre.

Please do not give him your phone. It's the worst thing a spouse can do when married to an addict. He's desperate to find something bad on you because he's running out of excuses for how he's not 100% responsible for the state of your marriage.

 

This is the classic behavior of an abuser. He bullies you to the point of exhaustion, and then provides a "safe place" for the pain and suffering he caused. The safe place is what keeps you coming back. That's why they do it.