In search of my salvation.

It was around grade 6 that I saw my first porn. A friend gave me pictures of people having sex on a floppy disc. Then, I looked at these pictures more out of inquisitiveness and excitement about what exactly sex. Even after that I was one of those few kids in my class who rarely watched porn. When I was in grade nine, I had access to better technologies such as faster internet and mobile phones that could play media content. While my parent's didn't buy me a phone till I was done with 10th grade, most of my friends did. And perhaps everyone I knew then had porn on their phones. Seeing how every guy used to watch porn I slowly perceived porn as a normal day to day activity. Then started my downward spiral towards porn addiction.

After tenth grade, like everyone else, I started watching porn over the internet on a regular basis and used my phone to share new sex videos with friends. Back then this didn't bother me too much. Currently however, I feel like PMO is slowly taking over my life. For the past six months there has hardly been a day I haven't PMOed. I feel like I have to watch porn at least once to make my day productive. Also, for a few years now, I've experienced massive social anxiety, and have feel like my social skills lacking as compared to my peers. To make matters worse I feel pretty much satisfied with myself and feel hostility towards people as well as society. Also, I've experienced that my concentration and attention spans have decreased drastically and my brain often tends to float to sexual imaginations. Likewise, while I do enjoy the temporary high of pleasuring myself, deep down inside, I am filled with self loathe and self pity.

Until a few days back I didn't have any clue as to what was going on in my life. (But to be frank, I still don't know much, only that I am suffering from inside and things truly need to change.) I was browsing the internet when I stumbled on this word nofap which caught my eyes. I learned about the NoFap revolution and the effects of PMO on guys life. It was shocking that so many of the negative things I have been experiencing resonated so loudly with the effects of PMO. That's when I decided to start my NoFap challenge (ney lifestyle).

 

Work/Study
19 days without fapping and porn, and I feel relatively calmer, aware and in the moment. I tend to work consistently than when I did fap. Although, motivation has been dipping at times, and I'm not able to work incessantly. I still work a little everyday towards my goal, whereas while I fapped I didn't work at all sometimes.

Anxiety:
Guys I really feel that social anxiety decreases with nofap. I feel so much calmer around people and can really make engaging conversation without cringe energy. If someone is conversationally bulling me, then I can pick it up and decide what is right for me calmly. In contrast, when I was fapping I would really feel stressed and angry. I also used to have a dormant anxiety for no reason, that too seems to have decreased as I feel a more sure of myself.

Stress:
In between these 19 days, I had a day when I felt really frustrated with everyone, and hopeless and I shouted at people but that passed the next day. Even now i still do feel frustrated or dejected at times, but I guess that is part of life.

Happiness:
One day, I felt so happy, I laughed for hours sitting alone. Am I going mad? Generally, I feel happy and I think of silly things to amuse myself if I'm bored studying (not about sex though)

I hope everyone is doing fine. Wish the best for all of you and stay disciplined and reap the rewards of your efforts