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In recovery myself and caught fiancé also watching

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Amanda316, Apr 18, 2018.

  1. Apr 18, 2018 #1
    Amanda316

    Amanda316 Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone. I would like some advice please with my current situation. I have been in recovery for awhile from porn and I’ve done pretty well and I’m proud of my goals and progress. I got engaged about 2 months ago and my fiancé and I now live together. He works 3rd shift and I work a 9-5 type job. It gets lonely sometimes without him home, but I have found very little urge to view porn still, even in his absence. There seems to be a problem very recently, however. Today, I was standing next to him and he pulled up his internet browser on his phone and I saw him very quickly close out of some porn on it. He told me that he no longer looked at it since we’ve been engaged, but he obviously does when I’m at work. I feel a little hurt and disappointed for the secrecy, not so much the viewing since who I am to judge given my history? I’m mostly afraid of two things. First, that he may feel like he can’t talk to me about things when that go wrong, also like his recent smoking and drinking again, but that’s a different story. I’m also afraid that I may have problems maintaining my sobriety, because it’s like “well, since he does it, I might as well quit my progress and just watch it too.” I love him very much, but I don’t want him to bring me down in that regard. Any thoughts on this? Thanks everyone.
     
    Amanda316, Apr 18, 2018
    Amanda316, Apr 18, 2018
    #1
  2. Apr 18, 2018 #2
    ukbritishbloke

    ukbritishbloke Fapstronaut

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    Well done on your own progress, Amanda.

    I think you're right to be concerned about this. You know what porn addiction is like, and reading these forums means you know what it can do to relationships. I think you're right to worry about him not talking to you openly about this, and I think the bigger danger is not you relapsing but him developing a porn addiction.

    Only you can know what you want here, but one option would be to talk about this, make clear you're not judging him but also that you know how damaging porn can be and want to be totally honest about it and give it up completely together.
     
    ukbritishbloke, Apr 18, 2018
    ukbritishbloke, Apr 18, 2018
    #2
    Trappist likes this.
  3. Apr 18, 2018 #3
    GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I’m not sure it’s possible to maintain sobriety with a partner that’s using porn. It also will lend itself to secrecy and hiding things on the part of your partner. He does not want to risk your sobriety so he won’t tell you. I think many non addicts do enjoy viewing porn and have no issues with it. But if you are in a relationship with an addict you need to give it up completely. Some people enjoy porn as part of their sex life just like some people enjoy a drink on the weekends or a joint now and again. But for most alcoholics having alcohol in their home is too much of a temptation as is watching a spouse drink. Had you asked him not to use porn?

    Not to play on gender roles but I think a female addict in recovery will have a much harder time finding a male partner who is okay with stopping all porn use. Whereas a male addict can more easily find women who don’t use porn or are willing to stop.

    You have to look out for and decide what’s best for you.
     
    GG2002, Apr 18, 2018
    GG2002, Apr 18, 2018
    #3
    Deleted Account, Numb and BetrayedMermaid like this.

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