In my 780 Day or reboot, I am uninstalling K9 from my computer

Everything went very well during my stay in Boston
The classes I came to teach went very well and I feel happy and relaxed
I can recognize that my urges appear when I feel stressed or insecure
Becoming aware of this helps recognize that the fantasies I build inside my brain are just a way my mind looks to get away from the problems and pretend that everything is ok in the "PMO world ".
I have became good at recognizing "the animal when I see his horns".
I am returning to Miami now safe, happy and still PMO free
Fercho

 

Yes, you can @1AlphaMale . We all can defeat this addiction. It requires a lot of strenght, endurance and willpower. IS not easy, it hurts some days...but it is worth it!
fercho

 

Un gusto @Catalinda . no dejes de participar en nuestro foro en español:
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/nofap-en-español.50547/page-63
Un abrazo
Fercho

 

These last few days have been kind of a roller coaster
I came back from my trip to Boston very happy, just to return to my home with my wife quite depressed and aggressive.
She is going through her menopause, this makes her feel sad, and with zero sex appetite.
We had been more than two months without having sex, and this is not good for my reboot. I committed not to watch P nor MO, but it gets hard after so many month without ejaculation. I got a painful blue ball and was very unfocused.
We had several chats during the weekend about how she currently feels, with so many changes in her body and in her mind.
I want to be a husband who cares about his wife, as much as she took care of me when I was getting out of the addiction. I committed not to be never again the self-centered prick I used to be when I was an addict.
It is not that easy. On one hand I was thinking that, but on the other hand I was thinking: why she does not want to have sex with me? Is she punishing me for everything I did as an addict? I neglected her, avoided her, and was unfaithful many times. But still, I could not focus on her, getting back once and again to me.
Fortunately, meditation helped me to focus and avoid my mind to start wondering around fantasies. I started a session in Headspace about "Giving", I understand now how addicts we just want to receive, and we o not give enough.
It helped me to avoid big fights with her, keep on the conversation, although in some moments very painful. We have gone through a lot, with my recovery, she learning that she has been living with an addict for 30 years without knowing makes her feel like an idiot. Her self esteem is very low, in part due to that.
I can understand her and imagine how she feels.i would feel the same.
While we are addicts we have no idea how much we are hurting the people we love.
In one moment I got pissed by one of her hurting comments. When she left, I entered for a few minutes in "zombie mode". I browsed the website I used for hook-ups before starting reboot. I knew it was not right, but still tried a coup,e of times to enter my password. Fortunately it failed. When I saw the Forgot my Password option, before clicking it, I reacted and closed the computer. I took my bycicle and went for a ride.
The following day , outside the zombie mode, I remembered that I took down my profile in that page the day I started my reboot. Lucky me! Who knows what would have happened if I started browsing the hook- up profiles?

Anyway, as a miracle ( or because all the dialogue we had), on Monday we had sex. It was amazing, I was super sensitive and felt great. It was a big relief, and we had a great conversation later on, much more calm and healing.
Which reminds me how numbed I was when I started reboot, completely desentized , like a zombie.
I can feel now every touch, every kiss and every hug, and it feels great. I am much more connected to the real world, instead of to my right hand and the fake world of porn.
Guys ( and gals): life is not perfect after reboot. Do not think you will get to paradise. Problems keep existing out there. But we learn how to cope with them in a healthier Way. We can live a better, happier, healthier life
Stay strong
Fercho

 

I am in a business trip en Sarasota tonight.
I used to come often to this hotel 3-4 years ago. Every time, I was counting the minutes to finish my business meetings to come back to the hotel and have a 2-3 hours "PMO session", "enjoying the fact that i was alone.
Or even more, I used to hire a famous porn actor that lives a few miles away, even paying big bucks fro him to stay overnight.
I could not avoid remembering all that when I checked in this evening. So much money and time wasted!
I would lie if I say that I have zero urges or temptation to get back to that.
But this time I faced it differently.
I went to my favorite french restaurant in town to "reward myself" with a nice dinner, reading a book in my Ipad, instead of having trash food in the bed while fapping like a monkey. I changed one i=destructive type of gratification for a much better (and tastier) one.
I am going to the gym now to do 30' bicycle, to vent out any pent-up energy left, so i can sleep and not get awake in the middle of the night with urges.
I will meditate in bed before going to sleep. I am currently doing the "Gratitude" series in Headspace, which helps me to put things in perspective and realize that no matter how strong an urge can be, nothing compares to the shit hole where i was before starting my reboot
Stay strong
Fercho

 

My wife got upset with me this weekend so she gave me the "silent treatment".
This makes me feel very uncomfortable and depressed, which immediately brings me urges and desires of quitting my 29 months reboot and look for a male escort. Fantasies start building in my mind.
She left half an hour ago to the supermarket and I could not resist the temptation to browse an escort website, looking for guys offering their "services" in town.
I did it over 5 minutes and found one that I would have called.
But I started remembering how bad I felt every time that I did this in the past.
5 minutes of pleasure, followed by weeks of feeling miserable and depressed.
I remember the sensation of vacuum inside when the guy left the hotel room and I laid down there, with my self-esteem down under. Looking myself at the mirror and asking me once and again: "why do you keep doing this if you are destroying yourself?"
And returning home pretending that nothing happened, taking a long shower and rubbing me hard, trying to get rid of the stink. But the stink was in my soul, not outside.
So I closed my computer and started doing a meditation series in Headspace about "Anger". Because I realized I was angry with my wife, and I was trying to "punish her" ( and me) with a stupid relapse.
After this I did push ups during 10 minutes. My muscles hurt, I felt the burnt, but it felt great. It helped me remember the physical and mental pain that I suffered while I was a severe PMO and escort addict.
This is a daily war against "the Gremlin" that is sleeping inside me, ready to wake up if he feels I am feeling weak.
One more battle won today. One more scare to heal.
Stay strong and keep on fighting
Fercho

 

Thank you so much for your support @plant goodness

 

K-9 is an extra protection. I know the password so i can easily override it. But it is one more step before watching porn or entering adult websites that i need to take, which means one more chance of stopping.
Actually i re installed it on Monday night, because I was not feeling confident enough of my willpower.
I prefer to feel "not so good" about still needing to have a porn blocker in every device, than the huge sense of defeat i would feel if I relapse.
On Monday evening i was again compelled to enter the escort site and watch to the same guy profile.
Fortunately this time I did not feel so much attracted, and could start remembering all the shit my life was two years ago. How much i needed to hide my computer, clean the browser history all the time, keeping my cell phone in my pocket and not leaving it ever unattended, just in case some of my "sex-friends" or escorts wrote me and my wife could discover me.
I was in bed next to her, she was sleeping. I remembered how I used to watch P and MO next to her (she is a heavy sleeper, thanks God). I felt very guilty of realizing what a pice of shit i was.
So the lust started evaporating, the fantasy of being with this guy did not felt so "golden" any more.
It was like these cartoons where the angel and the devil are on each of the shoulders of the guy, arguing about doing or not the right thing.
the little devil was promising a blast of dopamine and pleasure, and telling me that I had not have such a sex pleasure in 29 months.
The little angel was reminding me that the pleasure lasts 5 minutes, and after that i start feeling remorseful and guilty. Than later on i will feel depressed and sad, and this will lead to a binge of more PMO, more depression, etc.
The following day i went to a Guns N Roses concert in Miami with a friend. I was a big fan when i was a teenager of this band. During the concert a lot of memories came back, some nice and others not so nice. It reminded me how lost i was at that age, with my sexual orientation dilemas, the traces of a sexual abuse I suffered when i was a kid, etc.
But the music filled me with hope. If I made it up to now, facing struggles and traumas, battling some depression and this huge addiction (4-5 PMO sessions per day during 40 years)...I do not have "the right" to lower my arms and stop fighting. It is my obligation, my personal commitment to the people I love: mi kids, my wife.
Some days i feel everything is over and it is not worth to keep fighting. This is when the Gremlin smiles and thinks he has a chance.
But I will not give him any chance. I will keep fighting, because I know now that i have the right to live a happier life.
Stay strong
Fercho