In my 40s and still a virgin

"Many girls" doesn't mean quality women.

Go tell your stories to the women of this forum and see what they think about it.

 

yep and I didn´t want "many girls", preferred to be lonely.

many of them will probably think about it like me, that the stories are stupid.

 

I personally don't think it's very bad you have held yourself off, you're still capable as a man and i'm saying this as a 26 year old, you just quit porn for a bit. be able to live a life where you can tell the truth, it wont serve you well to live a life of poison, i wish you success on dating(go online on like a dating site pof etc) dont be afraid to take life by the balls and im sure you will find things, i only suggest a prostitute as it will take you out of the comfort but i have never paid for sex myself, i wish you luck regardless though.

sex is a responsible action so if you carry that thought with you, it will guide you towards the path of enlightenment, think about before contraception ...sex was something that way more risky and i believe that still is the case, bad relationships will mess you up and so can good ones.

good luck!

 

Hello Carl,

I value your post, and we may have some things in common, and others which may assist based on my experiences. I am mid-50's, and have only had about 3 actual attempts at intercourse, which causes me great shame and pain. So if you want I can share more.

The most important thing I would say from the start is:
1) It is understandable you would feel distress about this
2) I understand your worry if it is abnormal, but I would try your best not to get too stuck on this. You are simply different, like many, and unlike many.
3) The idea of a hooker has pros and cons. For me a hooker is not the answer, since it is the desire for acceptance by a woman without it being strictly a matter of paying.
4) If you want me to share more, let me know.

I can understand the pain you may be in.

 

PS - To add to above, I think the following relates to the theme of "loneliness", and to those Age 40 and above. Not sure if it helps, but it is a vent that you may find resonates some.

I continue to struggle wishing for the affection, acceptance, and "validation" which is inherent in being welcomed into a woman's bed, and ideally with welcoming my heart and soul, as well as my body. I know a little what that feels like. I also know when it did not feel right. And I know the pain and emptiness of trying to pursue something paid which robs the experience of humanity for both sides.

This struggle is intensified for me as I go through midlife and soon old age. It involves fears about who will accept me as I am including for my "difference from norms," and also, can I overcome the reality that the physical aspects of sexual attraction often (though not always) have faded in many women my age. I think if I had been in relationship before, this would have less impact. This is a tricky sub-topic for me as a male, with respect for our lady friends.

I don't think there is any easy substitute for the validation of "getting the green light" from someone we desire it from. I know the common advice to love yourself, etc. But I think it is probably biologically hard-wired for males to seek the validation from a female, just as in the animal world.

I hope this year I overcome this hurdle, and if you desire it, that you might, too.

 

Is it really necessity to find a partner before a certain age? It is certainly stressful to know other people already had multiple partners at a much younger age but are they truly happier? If you are actively finding a partner but can’t find someone suitable then you should slowly wait for the right one. Damn those social norms which is telling you that you should have experienced this and that by a certain age..

 

it's true it works. but to not fall back into masturbation is the hard part.

 

@Carl French and @ad vera amoris I have a concrete advice for you guys and I hope you benefit from it. There are a lot of dating coaches out there and if you can afford one you should go for it. They may not get you a date immediately but they will certainly address some of the basic things and you will realize why they will matter in dating. How about online dating? did you guys ever try that? But the starting point for you would be to read "Intimate Connections" by David burns. It addresses a lot of key questions and provides solutions. Check out " smart dating academy " and "Handel group". Get on Match.com or their webinars and increase your dating IQ. This is the age of internet and you may not find love of your life but you will certainly find some one to date! Also watch out for the things we are subconsciously doing to ourselves to make us single..Intimate connections has some quizzes that identifies a few of those aspects as well.
Good Luck!

 

I would start reading books on dating and get a circle of male friends you can go out with and can set you up with people. Just be careful about falling in love with a shit women. Don't be a sucker.

 

I was in a sense a virgin till my 35. Because I dont count some drunken one nighters or generally bad worthless sex as loosing virginity. At 35 I had my 1st serious relationship. And it was good. Than it ended and Im lonely, because I got used to a female company.

I feel this loneliness for a FIRST time in my life. And its strong. But Im stronger.

If I imagine getting a hooker now, its very bad idea. I give my force to a person who doesnt care about me, possibly even doesnt like me. After hour, I go home ALONE AGAIN. Just a cold shiwwers run down my spine when I imagine it. Im changed. Before, I had some hookers, and it felt ok-ish.

But that was because I never felt real love and genuine company in those times. Once u feel this, theres no turning back.

All I can do is go back to celibacy. Accept my loneliness. And hope it will change. I can go out and search. But... im at bad possition because im missing something. I miss a company. Thus I can easily slip up and appear as needy. And thats always the end...

Sry for talking too much bout myself.

 

I totally agree, i went to a hooker and my urges went away, i even feel more confident.

 

Thanks very much for the leads and references.

I deeply appreciate it.

My case may be rather different. I had several dating attempts, encounters, and near relationships after a girlfriend in high school. Some almost but not completed intercourse, both with a legal hooker and an almost relationship both mid 30s, and 1 around 40.

The issue now is more either covering up or gradually explaining my history regarding all aspects of my interrupted maturation. Career, social, family, etc. A variation of Avoidant Personality, but not exactly.

Of course your suggestions could still apply. I suppose I wanted to share that I'm not totally without skills or experiences for ego purposes. It is rather complicated, unfortunately.

 

I read this first post and got very scared that it could happen to me very easily. I'm 20 so have a lot of time to change, but I approach like 2 girls in a year, always in a weird way I can't help it. It's been 4 years I try more or less to be comfortable around girls I like, which is we all agree, the first step, and in these 4 years I had nothing but miserable failures. I been trying to change and this thread gave me motivation, thank you

 

By the way I was thinking, while I agree it's out own fault for not getting girlfriend, getting laid and all that, I think we all agree there is an ENORMOUS amount of girls who carefully pick the "worst" guys available.

 

Getting a hooker will make your expectations of women very weird. Hookers do what they’re told because they’re working for your money. They don’t like you and they don’t care about your company. They play the part of seduction because it’s an act. They see many lonely, sex-deprived people on a routine schedule. Unless they’re educated and/or “high class” escorts, they know little to nothing about having a connection with a CUSTOMER.

I’m not hooker-shaming at all but I don’t suggest seeing a hooker as a solution. I think you should seek companionship and see where it takes you. Try online dating if real life is unsuccessful.

 

They take the type of guys who were the best during our 10000s years of human evolution. Being nice in a human society has never led to the best material possesions. And they need this material wealth, so they can rise babies. Because when they are pregnant and they spend all the time with newborns, they cant provide for themselves. Being nice is absolutely meaningless in this perspective. And im quite sure that "nice guys" cant just fuk em as simply and easily as a bad guy. Etc etc etc