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In a very bad place right now

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Penelope, Apr 24, 2018.

  1. Penelope

    Penelope Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone,

    I am in a very bad place right now. I am sitting down in the living room, after a fight we just had. We were trying to have sex, but since yesterday night he has a DE. Yesterday I said nothing, but tonight I broke. I could not stand another excuse. I just broke and start crying, thinking how I will never be enough. I was so happy this morning, it looked like we are really getting back on track, like he was actually making effort to open up and all. But tonight I broke down. I just cannot deal with this any more. I cannot deal with feeling unwanted, undesired, and utterly unloved. I even feel bad for breaking down, because I do not want him to feel bad. How fucking stupid I am. Where the fuck this thing ends? I hurt, and he probably hurts upstairs. This thing ruins lives. Ruins happiness ruins love, destroys everything I believed in. I was so in love, and now I am so broken. Probably beyond repair. I just want to disappear and never come back. All is dark.
     
  2. Yanis

    Yanis Fapstronaut

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    Well - we are all humans, sometimes we are strong, sometimes we are weak. Of course there is a challenge in your life. You have to find out if you can help him. Needs time, patience, clarity. When you don’t want to feel him bad - do you think he wants you to feel bad? I don’t think so.
    Just try to relax. You are alive and each moment a new breath is given to you. You are a wonderful person and you are much stronger than you think. All is well. There is always hope.
     
  3. Penelope

    Penelope Fapstronaut

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    Hey GhostWriter,
    thanks for your kind words. I am hurting bad now, so I cannot think clearly. My worry is that he actually has no sense abut him, to him all this seems to be just annoyance because I cannot be fixed and leave him be. I am not sure if I really want to continue on this journey. It hurts bad.
     
  4. Penelope

    Penelope Fapstronaut

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    Hey Yanis,

    Thanks for reaching out to me. Yeah, I know we are all humans, at this moment though, I just hurt very bad. I am not sure about him, he did not even check if I am ok. He is up in the room probably sleeping. I just cannot understand how a person can be so sweet and such a fucking jerk at the same time. Am I blind, or crazy? I don't know. One of those is the real him, and I am starting to guess that it is not the sweet and lovely one.
     
  5. I'm sorry for your pain. I don't think you are broken beyond repair. Continue to seek help and share. There is hope.
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  6. Penelope

    Penelope Fapstronaut

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    Thanks. It looks very dark now. I hope I can get out of this.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  7. Penelope

    Penelope Fapstronaut

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    It was his. We had a good day. It looked almost like how it was in the beginning. Sweet and loving. This morning we had a good talk, opening to each other. Then, in bed, all changes. I guess I am not exciting enough, seen that I am always me. I have no million faces or bodies. I cannot do over the top stuff. I guess I am boring. Not enough.
     
  8. All lies. Common ones. But lies.

    Have compassion for yourself today and understand that you didn't ask to be placed where you are today. But it's something you have to recover from nonetheless. It's okay to tell yourself, "Hey. I feel shitty today. But I should. I have reason to." Feeling bad about his addiction is okay. But don't add to your heavy heart by blaming yourself for any of this.

    I'm an addict and while I probably have had DE at times, my biggest issue has been PIED. I simply could not get aroused when I was with my wife unless I was making up shit in my head. That's a real dark place to be and was devastating for both myself and my wife. Ultimately, we got to an agreement that we would try to be intimate (even if that meant no sex) as long as my mind was 100% on her. If I drifted off, I would stop or pause until I was in a right mind again.

    Coming from this place, I can offer that if he loves you, he is not comparing you and does not want to. That mean seem distant from how you feel right now, but most addicts hate being addicted because it takes them away from loving what is real and important. They hate being addicted to pixels, to fake sex, to the hiding, the shame, the lying. All of it. But their addiction has led them down a path that is very difficult to shake.

    We look at porn so much that it becomes all a blur and we don't really always realize what we are looking at or how we got there. We look at things we don't even like. We look for things that are "new" or "different" as a way to try to find that initial fix we got long ago. Sometimes, these new things do give us more of a hit than other times, but they are more often than not followed up by prolonged dissatisfaction with what we find. So while some porn seems over-the-top, that's not what we really want. We really want our partners. We want real human interaction. We want the soft touch of those we love.

    And we don't really want craziness in bed. That's not to say that healthy roleplay or playing around with new toys, scents, etc. isn't desirable down the line. It often is. But it shouldn't be used as a competition with porn. First get healthy in bed, then add healthy excitement later.

    I feel greatly for you and the position you are in and I hope you both find some peace soon.
     
    Penelope likes this.
  9. Penelope

    Penelope Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much BreatheDeeply. I needed to hear this. It is getting better now and I am not in that darkest place right now. I am trying to communitae hoe I feel to him, but in little doses at the moment since I want him to be able to take it in . Thanks to you and @GhostWriter and your insights I understand better and that is what I need. Thank you.
     
  10. [​IMG]
    Just thinking about you. Take care.
     

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