I'm totally lost

Hi,

I just can't stop fapping and watching porn.

I have so many issues like unemployment, money problems, rollercoaster depression, anxiety, and of course the fact I can't keep an erection during sex and increasingly often when watching porn. I turn to masturbation whenever I feel horny, but mostly to get that 'hit' because it's the only bright thing in my dark days. I WANT to fix this issue but my depression and frustration makes it so I always return to my old ways.

Sometimes I think, maybe if I got a supporting girlfriend I could fix this. But I'm so scared she's going to laugh at me and tell her friends and soon everyone will laugh at me. I know this might be irrational thinking, but try to tell my mind that and change my thinking! I've been trying to change my thinking forever. But the cloud of evil won't stop hovering above my head.

What am I even thinking about... I never had a girlfriend, probably due to lack of confidence and social experience.

Anyway, even if I didn't have this erection problem, I'd still probably be focussing on some other reason I can't get a girlfriend. Like for example, I don't have a job. Or, I'm not 'good enough'. Do you guys believe one can get a girlfriend when unemployed, living paycheck to paycheck from a benefit, depression etc. and can't even get keep it up in bed.

I'm a man, but certainly don't feel like one. I wonder what I did to get this shit shower. I'm 33 now. I doubt anything will change.

My main issue is that I'm not persistent in solving my problems. I will read the SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION one day, for a few days in a row, and then depression strikes and takes away all motivation and hope, to not touch the book again in many months knowing you will have to start reading it from beginning because you forgotten everything. Truly motivating.

On top of that, everyone is trying to capitalize on your problems, making me wonder what information is actually reliable and worth the little energy I have to spend on.

I'm more and more often becoming closer to becoming suicidal because of all of this.

I have help from mental healthcare but like I said, I'm simply unable to keep up motivation and hope to actually solve my problems.

Anyone out there who gets this?

 

Thanks for all your support. You're right about not trying to tackle all the problems at the same time. I have too little patience. Exactly due to what you mentioned; I feel like I'm running out or am wasting my time. And also that 'If I just get x I will be fine' applies to me.

I will check out the app. I do need to reach out more. It's just that when I'm in a dark mood, I don't think about doing that. Somehow it's crippling and really narrowing down and limiting your mind as it feeds me irrational thoughts and brings me into another world far from reality.

About that personal log; I highly doubt I will keep it up. I don't even think I can or want to quit. I know myself. I hardly ever follow things through or finish anything. How to handle that? I want to quit masturbation, or at the very least limit it. But at the same time, it's something that brings me a temporary lightness to my dark days. Although I admit I feel shame and disappointment afterwards. I do feel better just like you said when I didn't jack for a day.

I'm trying to fix things. Work is probably my #1 priority right now. But I also don't want to let this PMO problem slide down any further.

Also. I'm still on the fence about abstination and limitation. On one hand, I think it's good to get a release now and then. On the other, I think I need a very long time of abstination to recover. Or is this just regarded as an excuse to avoid total abstination.

Thanks.