I'm tired of it. I'm raising against it.

Good afternoon everyone,

I want first to ensure that I'm not writing this to get support. I just need to vent some emotions, as keeping them inside is difficult.

I'm tired of the image of myself that I have in my brain. I'm raising against it.
This image is me as a total failure with girls.

In the last year I managed to do a lot of things: I went in Erasmus, I learnt another language, I met a lot of people, I became well-known and important, appreciated by everyone. I went back to Italy, I decided to get rid of my anxiety, which was making me not passing exams at university, and I started again to get very high grades, as it had always been.
I started to take care of myself, I lost 10 kilograms complexively (actually something more, as some times I gained back weight but I lost it) and I control very carefully my weight. I use creams to take care of my face, to keep my skin in a good shape.
I started to change my attitude with the others, to get rid of some emotions triggered by some situations, my way of thinking.
I left P and M once for always, I am getting aware of how it changed my brain, my actions and thoughts.
I started thanks to the hypnosis I use for my psychotherapy to be aware of my emotions and to explore my brain, memories that were coming back, dreams that I made at night.

I understood that there was a monster that I fed for years, I fed him every time I watched porn, masturbated or used chats.
This monster, this enemy, once more, is the complete lack of confidence with girls.
I don't know why it started, I don't care about it.

It took me away my high school years. I never had an important relationship in that period, while the majority did. I felt this sense of privation last week, when I was talking to two friends and when this topic went out, I remained silent, thinking at myself as a prisoner in chains, walking the desert, privated of his freedom.
It took me away my Erasmus. I am maybe the only guy who did not have sex in his Erasmus.
It took me away my first three years of university.
It gives feelings of sadness, loneliness, envy.
When I see a beautiful girl it makes me think that I will not succeed.
When I see a couple, it makes me think that I never had that experience.
It makes me think that I will never manage to change my life.

I had only three girls - 2 relation at distance, and one night. Nearly 3 years without a relation. I had sex only once, bad quality sex, missing sex for nearly 4 years.

All due to this complete lack of self - confidence, this feeling that now has no reason to exist, as I changed multiple aspects of my life since 1 year ago.
I feel it like an empty body, that is actually harmless, but a part of my mind does not know it.

This Marco that I am building month by month deserves better, deserves a relation, deserves a sentimental and sexual life, a beautiful girl at his side, a girl that he appreciates for real, and not only for a good body.

I'm tired of it. I'm raising against it.

Thanks for reading. Once more, I know perfectly that I must solve it by my own. No need of tips, I am going to my therapist for these.

And wheels up for our PMO-free journey.

 

Today - yesterday, according to the fact it is 00:48 am in Italy - I was prepared to go out. This no-confidence identity started to say me "what are you doing? Nothing will change". I answered to her "you will not take my passions, my willing to live, my interests, my willing to know other people and have friends" and I went out, passing a good night.

I really don't want this empty presence to ruin my life anymore. May it only be making me lying on my bed hopeless. For that other aspect, I will need help, for sure. I seeked out, let's see in a matter of very few days