I'm starting a group called C90

Discussion in 'Events & Challenges' started by I_AM_AWESOME, Dec 24, 2018.

  1. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to C90 Day 27!!

    Getting closer to 30 yes!!! For me it's getting more difficult. When I'm alone away from my family the urge hits me. I'm sure it's the same for many that you start to look at "innocent" pictures then get more and more daring trying to get as close to that line as you can without going over.

    You may say bikini's are not porn, you may say stories are not porn, you may say soft core is not porn. I'm not here to tell you it is or it isn't, that's a personal choice that each of us make. Don't BS yourself though and say that going to a p site is not p.

    This addiction plays alot of games with us including convincing ourselves that the things we say aren't p are ok to look at. It's easy to see in hindsight after you've gone all the way PMO, that those things you've said were not porn helped lead you right back to p.

    So whether you say they are or not, ask yourself, is this going to help me stay pmo free or not?
    Am I using this to get a similar type of pleasure that I get from p?
    Is this behaviour something that the man or woman you wish to be something they would do?

    It's 2019 now and we all started out with the same intention of getting free of this. Regardless of whether you've done 27 days free or not, acknowledge to yourself and give praise to yourself that you are still on this journey. You didn't give up, you're still here, still fighting, still moving towards your goal.

    People get very focused on counters and streaks. I think trends are more important. Was this 27 days better for your than the previous 27 days? Is the trend going up or down? Do you need to make a course correction? Is that correction an about face or a few tweaks here and there?

    Love yourself today for the person you are. You are a person and you deserve it.
     
    Daniel1 and The Winner like this.
  2. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to C90 Day 28!!!

    Today is a day where my attitude and focus is having difficulty. Not on p at all but just life is throwing a few things at me which are making it difficult. We all have these day. Mine is around issues with my car, being late for work and fears as a result of both of those things.

    As I was driving over to the garage I observed the thoughts in my head. They were focused on what's wrong with my car and all the things that could go even further wrong. They were also focused on missing work and this project Im working on falling behind.

    I observed them and worked to reign them in because they were spinning out of control. I focused instead on where I was, how nice it looks now that it snowed, how grateful I am for the heat working in my car because it's 7 degrees out.

    Only a few moments would go by before my mind would start spinning negatively again worrying about the car and work.

    There are many people out there that would not worry about any of this and realize that everything will work out. I'm envious but I'm also hopeful because I am working on changing and I am making progress.

    These types of thoughts wouldn't normally lead me to thoughts of pmo but based on experience, later on today is when it would hit. If I were to work from home alone I'd be susceptible. When my family goes to be and I'm alone, I'd also be very susceptible.

    I'm calling this out now so that I'm aware and I can make preparations. It's not enough to hope that I don't look at p, I have to and we all have to work at it. It take work that you have to do. Wishful thinking will not get you there no matter how determined you may be on day 1.

    Planning is key, focus is key, setting up new healthy habits and a sh*t-ton of repetition is absolutely necessary.

    Wish me luck!!

    Have a great day everyone!
     
    The Winner likes this.
  3. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to C90 Day 29!!!

    Things are chugging along, hopefully they are for you as well. In the X90 thread there was an interesting conversation about abstaining from social media because that fuels our desires to eventually look at p. It opened my eyes about patterns in my life that I want to change.

    I'm not a big social media guy to begin with but I've been delving into instagram here and there because I love the photos of nature and traveling. Unfortunately my feed contains all sorts of fitness things too which is very distracting. As I've been weeding those out, telling instagram that I don't want to see them they are having an effect. I know they're there and probably been fooling myself sometimes when I'm weeding them out.

    This changing life of no pmo requires sacrifices. Getting rid of those things in our lives that are subtle triggers are required if we really want to do this. It's hard but its worth it in the end. There will be a time when your brain isn't so addicted that you can look at "innocent" things like that and not be triggered. But we're not there yet so lets stop the fall before it begins by shutting off social media.

    Have a great day!!
     
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  4. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to C90 Day 30!!!!!!!!

    30!!!! That's AWESOME !!!!!!! 1/3 of 90 done.

    It's funny, I'm on this remarkable day and the urge is right there! But I know it's because I've a few things on my mind regarding work and my pc dying and car troubles and blah blah blah. Oh and lack of sleep because these things wake me up at 3am and I figure I should get some work done. This should be real fun at 3pm when I hit a wall.

    Overall very happy. I was just recognizing that in these super busy times is when I forget to focus on the basics of practicing my affirmations / incantations, focusing on the here and now, slowing down even if just for a moment to rest my brain and exercise. There's always, I'll get to that after I do this one thing.

    And of course as I'm going 100 mph with little sleep, the urge is there. I'm staying off social media, as we were discussing staying off social media in the X90 group, but the urge is there to look at my content knowing that what my brain really wants is just one click away and maybe some of that will spill into my feed.

    So it's interesting, my brain knows i'm not going to look at straight up p, but if it can just get me on to the image site there's just enough content there to get some dopamine.

    It's times like these when I really appreciate this site. I can come here and post all this and I immediately feel that its off my chest. I feel I'm with people who understand and can relate. I can other people stories and relate to them and hopefully offer advice.

    When I attended 12 step meetings for this, the ability to call someone was always there but picking up that phone was like lifting a 100lb dumbbell. We called it the 800lb cell phone. It's so hard to reach out because you don't want to disturb anyone, you don't want to ask for help, you're ashamed or embarrassed, you don't have anyone to call, etc etc etc.

    None of those things are true. There's even a 24 hour help line that SLAA (sex and love addict anonymous) maintains where you can talk to someone pretty much all the time.

    But, anyway, if you don't have that, there is this site which I'm grateful for.

    The habits have to change. If we want change then our habits have to change. I go here instead of there. And it will be uncomfortable, until it isn't.

    Do you have the discipline do that?

    Of course you do, we all do whether we believe it or not, the power is within us. We are all incredibly powerful, we are all masters of our universe, we are all warriors, we are all confident. Regardless if you believe it, regardless of if you've seen it in yourself, it is there and it will become apparent to you in time.

    Have an incredibly awesome day today!!!
     
    Daniel1 likes this.
  5. Checking in....

    I’ve kept myself very busy with work and other activities and go to bed dog tired each day. Evenings are usually when I have trouble so this strategy has been working. Replace the old bad habits with new good habits and hobbies!
     
    I_AM_AWESOME likes this.
  6. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    That's awesome dude. Out with the old and in with the new, that's definitely the way to do it.
     
  7. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to C90 Day 31!!!

    Life is throwing a lot at me lately with work stress. It invokes the very emotions that I wish to change in myself. I don't like how I handle things and am looking to change that. So I am reluctantly grateful for the opportunities presented to me.

    Gratitude is the ultimate leveler. Anytime you're feeling stressed you can turn that off by finding something to be grateful for. It's really like a super power. It's not easy and like everything it takes work and practice. I'm still an amateur at it but I'm learning to rely on it more and more.

    It's all too easy to go down the path of negative thinking and point out all the things that suck and how things will suck in the future. At times, that is my default behaviour. Focusing on the negative is a self defence mechanism that we all have. We don't want to be vulnerable and admit our fears so we attack those things that threaten us.

    It's also a learned behaviour. If the people you were around when you were growing up were constantly negative and complaining, you likely learned from there. If you continue to surround yourself with those same types of people it's easy and it feels good to get into a total b*tch fest about all our problems.

    It's difficult though not impossible to turn negative thoughts around and be positive. It does sometimes feel like trying to swim upstream. For every reoccurring thought that my brain throws at me, I need to meet that with positive affirmations I have which remind me that I am good enough, that I AM AWESOME, I Love myself and Everything will be ok. I'm not just good enough, I am @#[email protected]#$ AWESOME!!!

    See.. that... that's what I need to do and stay on it, AS MUCH AS THOSE thoughts come at me. For every negative thought, meet it with 4 or 5 positive thoughts. In time it'll get easier but I've a lifetime of practice sitting on negative thoughts and grinding on them for hours at a time, days even.

    That's one of many techniques. You must find what works for you if you want to change.

    The good thing is that I've no urges to look at p right now and I'm completely alone. I don't even want to because all the crap that goes with that is bigger than the pleasure I'd get from it. I'm grateful for that but not going to declare victory and put down my weapons. Just because I've 30 days and am dealing with a stressful situation (and am alone) doesn't mean those urges won't ever come back.

    It just doesn't work that way. You don't stop years of addiction with 30 days of being clean. I've had many runs of 30+ days before only to get too comfortable and start taking some risks.

    I'll remain on guard, I'll plan for the next vulnerable points, I'll focus on my mental health and be very gracious of all the I have in my life.

    I hope your day goes well.
    Take Care
     
    Daniel1 likes this.
  8. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to C90 Day 32!!!!

    I almost forgot to check in today. Lifes been busy and filled with self induced stress.

    I had a major victory this morning though. I was looking for a meditation file in my downloads and stumbled across an mp4 with a very suggestive name.

    The name was explicit like "Donkeys Doin Giraffes part 17" but very soft core. I wasnt sure what it was. I've never been a downloader of p anyway so i was curious as to what was.

    I really wanted to open it just to be sure. A part of me knew what it was and really wanted to see it. But what hit me through this process was, if I open that, and see something, its going to trigger me and I'm going to be fighting that battle for the next few days.

    That stopped me and I deleted the file. That learning came from years of experience that hopefully you dont have to learn.

    It literally would have gone on for days until I had an O. It would have been a little here, a little more there until it happened.

    I'm grateful for knowing this.

    Have a great day everyone
     
  9. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to C90 Day 33!!!

    It's Saturday !! I had 2 wins yesterday. The first was on the media site IG (I'll just say that for short). I've a self imposed ban on social media because it usually leads things I don't want and is mostly a waste of time. This ban came from a discussion on the X90 group where a few of us are trying in addition to the pmo free lifestyle we're working towards.

    Yesterday I opened IG and before the page completely loaded I realized my self imposed ban and remembered my accountability with the group and shut down the browser. That was a huge win.

    The second was much later and on youtube. The win was shutting that down too but not as quickly. My mind was tired and saying that its not really social media and ok. After some more thought and fighting with myself I realized that my intentions were not good and went to bed.

    In the morning I felt guilty over that, I wanted to beat myself up for even being on there and being up too late. Another part of me was realizing that I've come so much farther than I ever have before and I've made so much progress.

    I had to do some self analysis in order to free myself of my mental punishment. I thought about how the reason I feel bad was because of this definition that I created for myself that says if I do this I must feel bad.

    I focused on how far I've come and the great progress I made. I realized that I'm not perfect and never will be. I focused on how this is a journey not a test with a pass or fail grade.

    So much time is wasted on mental gymnastics. Its necessary but it's not forever.

    Take care and have a great Saturday.
     
    Dares Greeneye likes this.
  10. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to C90 Day 34!!!!

    It's been challenging this past 24 hours. My body really just wants an O. Its pushing me to push the boundaries. I've been solid but not holy.

    I can rationally say Enough is Enough now, I've been dealing with this for years it's time to stop. Yet when those urges hit, I dont remember Enough is Enough.

    Is it a case of remembering?
    It's likely more a case of lack of planning.

    I'm gonna work on that.

    Have a great day
     
    Dares Greeneye likes this.
  11. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to C90 Day 35!!!!
    Rocking solid today though busy and running late.
    Super happy to be on 35.

    Got triggered last night due to stupid commercial on tv. Fought that for a while ultimately surrendering to go to bed instead. Win!!!
     
    Dares Greeneye likes this.
  12. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to C90 Day 36!!!

    Woke up in a great mood today and went for a run. The stress of work resolved itself in 10 mins yesterday which is great but it sucks that I cannot completely resolve that on my own (yet) and not be stressed out for 4 days. But it was an issue which someone I respect and indirectly work for were not on the same page and it got intense for a bit.

    Anyway, I found this great thread on this forum that you should check out. It's called the Daily Intention Thread. The idea is that everyday you post why you aren't going to use porn today. This has powerful benefits in your mind. Here's my last contribution

    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...use-porn-because.128131/page-649#post-1881592

    I went all out and put as much as I could think of. I tried to focus on the good things because I know that if you only ever said to yourself

    I will not look at porn
    I will not look at porn
    I will not look at porn

    Then you'd eventually look at porn. It's better to spin it with a positive side like I will not look at porn because I love myself too much, because I respect myself too much, because I respect my relationship too much.

    This is a great exercise, I recommend you all try it and maybe give it a shot for a few day and see how it feels. If we constantly remind yourselves of our intentions and the healthy things we wish to do instead, it'll someday become automatic. Finding your Why is the most powerful thing ever.

    If you google Eric Thomas and finding your Why you'll find some excellent talks on the subject.

    Have an awesome day!!!
     
    Dares Greeneye likes this.
  13. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to C90 Day 37!!!!

    I've been thinking about beliefs this morning. Not big ones like God or the Patriots winning the Super Bowl but tiny ones that hit me frequently in a day.

    For example, getting ready for work I thought about this meeting I have to have and the immediate thought was, "oh man, they're gonna argue me on this proposed change."

    With that came a tiny bit of emotion, stress and unease. Compared to other things this was microscopic.

    That thought is based on a belief of what's going to happen but I really dont know. I'm assuming and based on that, having a feeling that's not positive.

    This happens alot and they all combine into more stress.

    As I recognized this, it made me curious as to why and what to do. Obviously it's based on my beliefs on what will happen. Those were created from past experiences.

    But it's my choice to feel what I want regardless of how automatic it currently is.

    I'm in this state today where I'm super observant of this happening. When it does and I dont like it, I stand back from it and get my control and just observe it. Its interesting to do.

    Try it sometime in other areas particularly around triggers. Ask yourself why does this trigger me and try to see yourself separate from the trigger.

    It should help you slow down and stop it.
     
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  14. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to C90 Day 38!!!!

    I feel like I've had more urges this past week than others. Not so much to look at p because that's off the table but just to use sex in a not healthy way. It does raise the question of, masturbation as it is on its own. When is it healthy, when is it not. There are a lot of opinions about this.

    For me, I know when it's not healthy because I know the feeling I get when my body wants it. I know it's more p driven than sex. I know it's triggered by a visual whether that's today or 4 days ago. I know the thoughts going thru my head are fantasies or p scenes I've seen or been in.

    Doesn't healthy M include some sort of fantasy or thoughts about sex? how could it not? How do you know that the thoughts are for healthy M vs P driven. It's hard to say and likely more opinion based. Maybe because I've never had healthy M or cannot remember it to know when it is vs not.

    I'm also in a relationship and that matters to me. I'd rather devote my sexual energy towards my partner vs a fantasy.

    I do know that if in 20 mins when I'm driving to work, I won't care about it. I would not care about it in 5 mins should I choose to M as well. If I know in a little bit I'll not care about it then why cannot I just wait it out and save my energy for my gf.

    Lots of questions each us face on daily basis.

    Have a great day everyone!!!
     
    Dares Greeneye likes this.
  15. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to C90 Day 39!!!!
    1 day to 40, absolutely incredible.

    I've been really focusing on watching my brain react to things. If you've heard the term watching the watcher, listened to Ekhart Tolle or heard the term crazy roommate (in your head), you'll understand what I'm referring to.

    It's very fascinating and once you see it, you'll never be the same again.

    What you do with it is another story.

    I recognize the fantasies in my head are just a form of the watcher or crazy roommate.

    It's my subconscious trying to protect me me.

    It's all a beautiful thing too.

    Have a beautiful day today!
     
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  16. Dares Greeneye

    Dares Greeneye Fapstronaut

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  17. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man, I appreciate it. You are as well!!

    I didn't think anyone was reading haha
     
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  18. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to C90 Day 40!!!!

    What an awesome milestone!!! 40 days ago was Christmas morning and I remember how awesome I felt that day with my family.

    60 days to go and 5 days till the half way mark.

    This isnt a pass or fail not even good or bad. It's trying to reach a goal and learning along the way.

    Take a snapshot of the last week or 2 weeks and analyze where things went good and where things went well.

    Make notes on those because the next two weeks will present the same or very similar situations and circumstances.

    Like today, Saturday morning. I didnt wake up happy, I was in physical pain (back issues), my gf didnt love me enough and as a result I was grouchy.

    Now that's a common Saturday for me except the back pain, that's new.

    But what can I do right now to fix today and to prepare for next Saturday.

    Today, I focused on my state, I asked myself meaningful questions, I journaled and I listened to some inspirational talks.

    I changed my state by going outside and running around with the dog which always makes me happy.

    I asked myself why I feel unloved from my gf. I considered that she wasnt feeling good, I considered that she might not be feeling love from me (yet I'm expecting it from her? How does that work) .

    I realized my state of mind and said I've been here before, I know things will work out as they always do.

    That and the talks got me out of my head.

    Now to prepare for next Saturday, I can do many things. The night before I can meditate before bed, I can write myself a note reminding me of what is important. I can visualize myself waking up happy. I can visualize myself getting attacked by these negative emotions and then kicking their ass (I see an awesome Jackie chan fight scene coming). I can communicate with my gf about my insecurities which is probably the best thing.

    There are many many things. I've kinda gotten off on a tangent but the point is, when you're looking to change, treat it like a science experiment.

    Set a goal, go fourth, measure progress, course correct. Repeat.

    Have a great day, I already am!!!
     
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  19. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to C90 Day 41!!!
    Todays short lesson

    Feelongs of Loss, less or never is the source or all anxiety and stress.

    The solution is
    See it for what it really is
    Know its bs
    Find something to appreciate

    Here's where I got it, the first part of this video



    Have an awesome day!!!
     
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  20. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to C90 Day 41!!!

    It's a beautiful day where I am today, I hope it is for you as well. This life we live and the emotions we go thru are amazing.

    Did you know that about 90% of the thoughts you'll have today are similar to the thoughts you had yesterday. We're constantly re-living the same states over and over again. In order to change our lives and who we are we must interrupt those patterns around the areas we want to change.
    Being aware is half the battle as I've mentioned at least 100 times before.

    We get lost in our heads when stress hits and we scratch, fight and crawl our way away from it. On the opposite end of the spectrum we get so happy that we never want it to end. It's nearly the same, we're lost in our heads both ways yet we despise one and crave the other.

    It's interesting that we have little control over this. We have alot of control but we don't exercise most of it.

    Your addiction is a pattern, a habit, a subconscious program. We must change ourselves if we want it to stop. How much do you need to change in order to make that happen?
     
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