I'm powerless

My life sucks and i feel very powerless because i can't seem to change it. Because of this, i have always felt the need for a girlfriend. I'm gonna share like the story of my life now so people will understand. It feels kinda weird and random to share it here, but i just want to do it, so here i go. I know for a long time now that it is a very bad thing to let all your happiness revolve around one girl. So i try to keep myself busy so i don't feel the intense need for a girl to spend time with. I have quite a variaton of hobbies. I like surfing, riding bmx, skateboarding, playing the guitar and making youtube videos with friends(yes i actually have a youtube channel). The thing is that i don't like to do those things alone all the time. I know you shouldn't be too dependent on people, but i think its not that weird that i like to be around people instead of doing everything alone all the time. And literally the major problem in my life now is that my friends are busy most of the time and that i can't do the things i want. And i know they're not lying. They're really great people, and i'm thankfull for having them, most of them know about all my problems also so it is really nice that i can tell them all my stuff, but they rarely have time for things i want to do. At some point i realized that it isn't good to be dependent on people, so i tried building a routine to keep myself occupied and maybe eventually develop some new interests on the way. The problem here is that it is really hard for me to get a routine. This is because of a disabillity i have, its called tunnelvision and that is a eye disease where your vision is much shorter on the sides. Kinda hard to explain this in english, (i'm from the netherlands so it isn't my first language). Its like this: when you look forward, your vision is 180 degrees, and my vision is like 30 or something, i don't know exactly but it is really bad. Because this i can't enjoy ball sports, that is too difficult for me. I hate that because often my friends go play football, and i try to join but i really can't enjoy that because i its basically impossible for me to keep track of the ball and everything because of my eyes. My friends have playing football as a kind of routine, but i can't do that. There are other sports than football, which i tried. I was part of a rowing club for 3 years or something, which was fun for a while but in the end the sport became quite boring, and even with rowing my eyes were a huge disadvantage. After rowing i didn't join a sportsclub for a few months, but then i wanted to join a sport club again. The only option which was not a ball sport and a thing i was interested in was athletics, so i joined a athletics club. That was mildy enjoyable, but i didn't really had motivation for athletics and after a while it became boring, just like rowing, so i left the club. Luckily i go the gym now as a sport routine, which i can actually enjoy. So i have that, but i want to do more in life than going to the gym. I want to play in a band for example. None of my friends plays an instrument, so i posted an advertention on a site for musicians who are looking for a band. Last year a guy replied, and then i played with him together with some guy who i know from school. The guy who replied to my advertention turned out to be quite an arrogant dickhead, so making music with him wasn't enjoyable at all. I like to play in a band for fun, not to make money or something so i want nice people to play with. After we played like 2 times we stopped playing together. I never deleted the advertention, and recently i got a new reply from a drummer, a bass gitar player and a regular gitar player. I've played with them last week for the first time, and they are actually nice guys. But like my friends, they are very busy. Like me, they are in their exams year. So after this week i asked them when they had time to play again, and it turned out that they don't have time the coming 3 weeks. So this nice thing already stagnates (idk if thats a word btw, im trying to say that the band thing doesn't come off the ground). I also tried to get a job many times. My first job was putting products in shelves in a supermarket, but because of my eyes i worked too slow. They gave me another, smaller job in the store but that was only one time in the week and that job was also the most boring and braindead thing to possibly exist. It was organizing products, making sure they stand in line in the correct way etc. I didn't like that job, and it was only once a week for 2 hours, which i found too short, so i started looking for another job. That job had to be a job where my eyes wouldnt be a problem. I found a job where it wasn't a problem, so i quit the other job because i was really done with that. Turned out that my eyes weren't a problem on the new job, but that job was very difficult in itself. It was a job where you had to get people to donate to charity on a monthly basis, so like a subscription. If you didn't sell enought they would fire you, and i didn't sell enough there so i quit. I tried to apply for some other jobs, but nothing worked out. I also tried to do voluntary work. But i wanted that to be something i like, because i think that voluntary work is quite meaningless if you don't like what you're doing. After a lot of searching i found something i liked, but apparently i'm too young for that. So even voluntary work didn't work out. So there i am with no routine and nice activities, even when i try so hard to get that. I think that's the reason why i want a relationship so bad. and its not what you think. I don't want a relationship so i can be with a girlfriend all the time. I know that thats unhealty and needy, and that nobody likes that. The reason why i want it is because i think that a good relation will mean very much to me, and will give me a good boost of happines. My theory is that because of my overall happiness increase, i will be able to enjoy other things more. I think that this is the reason why i want a relationship so bad. I don' say that my theory is true, but i really belive in it, you can dissagree with me on that. Besides everything i also want a relationship now because i am attracted to a person at the moment, which is just a natural process. Now it sounds maybe like i'm using women to better my life, perhaps i am. But i guess its also just natural attraction, so i don't worry about that. As for the routine and activities, i will never stop trying new things untill i find something that i can truely enjoy and is also possible to do and not dependent on people's availability. Right now i'm always dependent on people's availabilty. If i want to do something with people, i have to ask them most of the time and i just have to hope that they have time for me. I really hate this powerless position i'm in, and you can see that i really give all i have to get out of it but things keep not working out. Of course there are some things that do work out, but i need more things to work out. I'm really glad that i discovered nofap tho, because my life may be total pointlessness, but at least everyday now i know i made progress. I like to see it all as some sort of twisted game, and everyday i level up. Like my streak is now at day 7, so tommorow i will be at level 8. Things like that. So yeah that's the story of my life i guess.