I'm more than ready to beat this addiction! (reboot journal)

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by peace_wind, Nov 5, 2018.

  1. peace_wind

    peace_wind Fapstronaut

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    So I guess I should tell you a bit about myself. I'm 21 now, and I've masturbated since I was maybe 10. I don't actually remember how it started, I think I just noticed that touching myself in certain ways felt good. I felt a bit ashamed about it, but my parents never knew and I didn't feel like I was hurting anyone so I didn't stop.

    By the time I was 13, my family was going through a lot of conflict. I also had trouble concentrating in school, also with bullying and general anxiety/deep insecurities that were really bringing my mood down everyday. The few "friends" I had made fun of me and excluded me quite often, which made me lonely and withdrawn for basically all of middle/high school. This is when I started to MO quite frequently, sometimes even multiple times a day. I had a lot more shame surrounding this (now I knew what sex and masturbation were, unlike when I was a more innocent 10 year old).

    When I was 14 I started actually looking at porn, mainly out of curiosity, boredom, and frustration with my life. Most porn was disgusting to me, so it didn't get me hooked until later, when I learned about porn from a very specific fetish. This may not make sense to a lot of you, but I'm actually asexual despite having a libido and urges to masturbate. I've only ever been aroused by a specific kink (don't want to go into detail here) which has nothing to do with sexual contact with other people. I'd actually describe myself as sex-repulsed IRL. Even in childhood, I never thought anyone was "hot", didn't understand crushes/attraction at all, was totally weirded out when friends would talk about people they found attractive. I don't know why I'm asexual, but I'm ok with it now and don't feel a need/desire to be any different.

    I've been attempting to quit PMO for around 6 years now, and in the past I managed once to last about a year without any PMO. I had a few streaks that lasted months, but I feel like the cycle has dragged me back in. I have a stronger motivation than ever to beat my addiction, yet I'm finding it really frustrating lately. I fell off the bandwagon badly this past year, and I'm only now starting to get back up. I'm a dedicated Christian now, and I know that being addicted to anything, especially PMO, is harmful to my brain and my body. I've prayed about this a lot. I know that God will always help me to overcome things that hold me back from living by his standards, but the Bible also tells us to act in harmony with our prayers. I need to trust God and have faith in his power to help me, but also do all that I can myself to beat this addiction.

    Something I've never tried before is keeping a journal on this site. I thought about it in the past, but I was always too shy to go through with it. I think it's worth a try, though. It can give me an added layer of accountability and support, which I don't have IRL. Nobody else knows about my PMO issues and how much I've struggled over the years.

    Let's all do our best to beat this addiction and live better lives!
     
    Actaeon, GSW9, Newgirl and 2 others like this.
  2. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    OK @peace_wind, I have a question for you. How does it work if you are asexual and you quit PMO? You're not having a relationship with a man. You're not having a relationship with a woman. By all accounts, you're not interested in any. So please help me understand.
     
  3. peace_wind

    peace_wind Fapstronaut

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    Sorry, I'm not really sure what you're asking. To me, quitting PMO seems like it's a pretty similar issue across all sexual orientations (or lack of an orientation in my case). My triggers would just be different than most people's, though. Nobody I look at or talk to gets me excited/aroused, I guess it's a more habitual and dopamine-driven behaviour for me. Whenever I've been very anxious or angry in the past, PMO or just MO would make me forget about what's bothering me momentarily. Anxiety, and my libido (basically just my physical urge for stimulation) are my main triggers. I don't know if that's what you were asking about?
     
  4. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry, my ignorance of asexuality, if you don't have sex with a man, and you don't have sex with a woman, and you quit PMO (not that that is a bad thing at all because it's what I preach about all the time), how is that not like sexual anorexia? I understand the dynamics at play rewiring the brain. I'm just not so sure I understand how this situation is going to rewire it. Bare with me. I'm learning here and I'm trying to wrap my brain around it.
     
    peace_wind likes this.
  5. charlie78

    charlie78 Fapstronaut

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    Well, I am here just to say few things.
    1. I am not here to judge anybody.
    2. I think she should elaborate properly.
    3Asfaras rewiring is concerned, without her trying to reboot, taking and completing a challenge. We can not say much, I mean ut will her who will figure out what changes she saw after the completion of a succesful reboot.
    4. Can you explain asexual in a bit more detail than what is provided by google.
     
  6. willoWisp

    willoWisp Fapstronaut

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    You guys, there are lots of asexual people who are pretty eager to educate others, google is a fine resource, and OP has said in OP exactly what she means in language so simple that a child could get it. Let's keep our eyes on the prize here?

    I can relate in that although I am definitely attracted to women, my usual trigger is stress/fatigue/boredom.
     
  7. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Good. Then why don’t you explain it to us. @charlie78 and I would like to understand it!
     
    charlie78 likes this.
  8. Tinkerbell

    Tinkerbell New Fapstronaut

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    Hey peace_wind!
    Sending support your way!! I just sumbled upon this page and I am also a christian trying to stop pmo. (Mainly mo) It’s so good to know we are not alone! I just sometimes feel so convicted of this because I’m a christian. Like I’m messing up his plan for my life or something. But I declare now, that that is not true! God is bigger than any addiction and Jesus is enough. Besides, he can use these chapters of our lives as well.
    And I feel for you for the endorphines, dopamine and all that good old brain chemistry is something I’m after too. I’m depressed, maybe even mildly bipolar and I sometimes feel I need that boost for my brain. It sucks. But luckily, were not in all this alone. God is good and his mercy is new every morning.
     
  9. Newgirl

    Newgirl Fapstronaut

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    Welcome @peace_wind!
    You can rid yourself of this ugly addiction you have come to the right place to start a new chapter in your life. It will require lots of vigilance and determination but it is possible. Stay happy and optimistic :)
     
  10. peace_wind

    peace_wind Fapstronaut

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    =DAY 1=

    I studied a lot today, since I've been procrastinating in online school lately. In terms of urges, I was fine since it's only the first day. I find that the next few days are usually more of a challenge, probably because of the chaser effect? This used to really discourage me, I would rationalize that, since I've already failed so many times, why does it matter anymore? Now I know if I just keep busy and remain mindful, I'll be fine. I took a break from studying to go out and do a few favours for my grandpa, exercised a bit, and that was about all I did today.
     
  11. peace_wind

    peace_wind Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the kind words! It's definitely true that optimism is something I really need to work hard to develop. Especially this last year, I've tended toward pretty negative thinking and I'm only now taking steps to get out of these habits to "rewire" myself.
     
    Newgirl likes this.
  12. peace_wind

    peace_wind Fapstronaut

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    Well, you can cause a lot of harm to the body if you are anorexic in the literal sense. You need to take in food/nutrients to actually survive and be healthy. Unlike food, sex/orgasms are just not a physical or emotional need. I'm not trying to be snarky, that's just how I see it. Living without sexual stimulation is of course very difficult for a lot of people, and some people warn me that living this way will set me up for depression and other issues, but how can people be sure about any of that? Experts in biology don't even agree with each other on this.

    In terms of rewiring, the way I'm thinking about it is probably a lot different than the way you are. Many people on this site see rebooting as a way to return to a normal version of their own sexuality, or to eventually be more comfortable being sexual with their partner IRL. I think of rebooting/rewiring as simply breaking my addiction to MO and no longer craving the weird fetish porn. Other than that, nothing else would have to change for me.
     
  13. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your response @peace_wind.
    Unless you're using this to make a point, to be clear, I'm not talking about anorexia in terms of food at all. That thought never crossed my mind. I was strictly talking about sexual anorexia.
    No "snarky"ness taken! I understand this and agree with it.
    I concur.
    And I would concur with this too.
    OK, here is where I was trying to have an understanding. I do understand breaking "...the weird fetish porn..." whatever that is that you do not want to disclose. Your reboot efforts will certainly help with that a lot. But are you planning on resuming MO after your reboot or are you planning on quitting MO altogether? You're right. In a traditional sense, you are rewiring the brain to go from what is considered an unhealthy sexual behavior to a healthy sexual behavior. Yours is very non-traditional which sparked my curiosity.

    I know, in terms of neurplasticity and rewiring of the neural pathways, that our brain will naturally respond to what we have trained it to do. For example, you have trained your brain to respond to the weird fetish you speak of. 90 days will clear your head no doubt. I just don't know the dynamics surrounding replacing those pathways with, I don't know, "nothing" versus "something". Does that make sense? I almost believe that you have to "rewire" it because simply "cutting the wires" won't fix it. It will leave a void to be rewired with something else whatever that something else may be. I hope I'm not talking in circles here. This is why I have trouble wrapping my head around it.
     
    peace_wind likes this.
  14. peace_wind

    peace_wind Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, I get what you're saying about the "nothing". To be honest, I don't really understand it either at this point. I do think cutting the wires could work, though. I know this isn't the same as addiction to a hard drug, but I know a few recovered/recovering drug addicts who used really heavily, but they don't seem to need much more than a healthy lifestyle (like regular exercise, balanced diet, healthy friendships/relationships, spirituality of some sort, maybe therapy) to avoid going back to the drugs after they've detoxed initially.

    But about going back to MO, no. Any time I've abstained from it, I feel totally fine going months without it. When I tried to reintroduce it in a "healthier" or more limited way, I would end up binging and my resolve to only MO x amount of times a week would decrease quickly. The Bible does not directly mention masturbation, but it does tell us at Colossians 3:5 to deaden our body members as respects sexual immorality, uncleanness, and uncontrolled sexual passion. Based on my past experience, I've been much more successful dealing with that when I totally abstain from PMO rather than trying to do "lowfap".
     
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  15. peace_wind

    peace_wind Fapstronaut

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    =DAY 2=

    Urges were totally fine today. I got a lot of work done for my courses that was piling up over the last few days. I did take my dog for a walk, but that was about it. My life can be boring, especially because my school is only online for the next 2 months. I have a few good friends now, and I don't feel quite lonely, but it's just kind of surreal to not be physically in school or full-time work everyday. I do regular volunteer work that I enjoy, but I still feel like I'm missing the time away from home that school usually requires. I'm glad I'll be on campus soon, though.

    I absolutely hated high school because of all the social pressure to be cool (I was REALLY not cool in HS) and the lack of autonomy bothered me a lot. I feel like I've only really been living for the past 3 years that I've been out of that mess of a school. I don't mean to totally blame my social anxiety on things that happened in HS, but I've been wondering a lot lately what I would've been like if I'd been "popular," or even just accepted by most of my peers through most of those years. It's weird to think of how different I would be if I'd grown up in totally different circumstances.
     
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  16. Actaeon

    Actaeon Fapstronaut

    One of my closest friends is asexual in the same way - zero attraction to other people, but fully capable of MO. She describes it as like having an itch, and then scratching the itch. She gets the itch more often when she's stressed, just like everyone else on earth. She's never been able to understand how sexual response works for "normal" people - the idea that interacting with another person would cause your genitals to spontaneously react is just mind-boggling for her.

    I really don't understand the bit about cutting wires, or why that would be a useful metaphor here. It sounds to me like you are doing exactly what everyone else here is doing - you were uncomfortable with the amount of MO in your life, and attempts at reduction were unsuccessful, so you are rebooting completely. Many people reboot for a specific amount of time, and then go back to whatever kind of sex they were having before their life got out of control, but I don't see any reason why stopping the reboot is essential. Once you establish that you don't need MO in your life, why not just keep living without it?
    Also, the term "sexual anorexia" is utterly inapplicable to you; you can safely ignore it. It would be like saying that a straight man has "homosexual anorexia" because he's not having sex with men.

    Anyway, best of luck on your journey.
     
    peace_wind likes this.
  17. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Look Pal, I know you probably mean well. But you need to spend a lot less time leading and a lot more time reading. Your advice to people? It's leading them down a path of destruction. It's dangerous. This is people's lives you are dealing with here. I don't care if you don't want to help yourself. That's on you. I do care when it becomes detrimental to others.

    How many people have to tell you that you don't know what you're talking about for you to figure out that you don't know what you are talking about? And when we try to tell you? You just keep coming back for more like a predictable addict immature in their recovery would. Please, just STOP talking and START listening. I have faith you can and will get there.

    And spare me your rebuttal. I'm not going to engage in this argument on someone else's thread. I am, however, going to utilize this as a learning opportunity for the OP to be aware of your advice long on rhetoric and short on substance.

    Now go learn something!
     
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  18. Actaeon

    Actaeon Fapstronaut

    Dude, I honestly have no idea what you are ranting about, or why. I told the OP, whose journal this is, that I think what she's doing with her reboot is normal and healthy. How is that a problem for you? You already said you know nothing about asexuality! I thought your asking the her to describe her orientation on her journal was kind of weird, but I believe you have as much right to say what's on your mind as anyone else here. I was under the impression that offering each other advice and support was the basic purpose of this site.
    I totally agree with you on one thing: this is not the place to talk about it. Publicly saying you aren't going to talk about it publicly doesn't make it any less inappropriate. If you want to scold me about something, feel free to PM me.

    To the OP, I sincerely apologize if you thought what I said was in any way out of line. And I reiterate that I think your stated goal is entirely reasonable for you, based on my (albeit limited) knowledge of asexuality.
    Which, for anyone who was unclear, is an orientation. It is completely different from sexual anorexia, which is a disorder.
     
  19. peace_wind

    peace_wind Fapstronaut

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    I do relate a lot to your friend's description of MO as a kind of itch to be scratched, and I also find sexual attraction extremely weird. About stopping the reboot, I guess I'd be "rebooted" after a few months without MO, but I agree that there is no need for me to resume MO. Somehow I think a lot of people react with disbelief or even shock if they were to meet someone who plans on never having sex or masturbating ever again.

    Thank you for the encouragement, and good luck to you as well!
     
    Actaeon and GSW9 like this.
  20. peace_wind

    peace_wind Fapstronaut

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    No offense taken at all. You've taught me something, too. I actually didn't know sexual anorexia was a disorder until now, I thought it was just an expression people use.
     
    Actaeon likes this.

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