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My F'd up relationship

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by 1dayattatime, Mar 30, 2019.

  1. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    I cry alot so that explains alot there! I think I cried more on my journey then I have cried my whole life, I felt like maybe I was turning into some kind of emotion wreck.

    It's awesome you Express your emotions throw music, it's great to have an outlet!
     
  2. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    Most definitely it's been an emotional dysfunctional journey. I have never thought I had to sort through so many emotions and I'm thinking maybe I might have too much gray matter cause I cry alot not sure if that's good or bad yet!
     
  3. @Mourde LOL.

    Man, I used to sing and play in a band with a very good friend whom I thought was my best friend. He would cry all the time. I mean he was older than me (40s) and I always thought... wow. This dude is crying so much!

    But I think it's good, I'm a little jealous.

    Here's the article that I was referring to, honestly it's why i love nofap. There's SOOOO much help for you once you dig in and start going... you're bound to get traction.

    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...eeks-of-abstinence-to-cure-your-brain.233726/
     
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  4. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the info I will most definitely read up on it. And music is a good way to Express your emotions!
     
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  5. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

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    Tears have been no stranger in the hot zone of recovery. That's the edge where the most growth happens. Interestingly, processing natural emotions, walking through them, helps to not like the numbness and even the formerly unpleasant things like loneliness become part of the taste of real life that is much better lived than ignored within a poison bubble. You're saying similar things, just thought I'd add that, yeah, I've felt waves like that as well and have had good experiences realizing a zeal for life through exactly those struggles.
     
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  6. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    I have totally experienced this and not realized it. On fathers day I just sat around all day and did whatever. I felt terrible the next day. Numbing out just doesn't feel the same anymore. I like the idea of thriving in life. I want to live for something that is worth it.

    I have also noticed that to feel the good emotions like joy and connection I have to actually engage and that can be an uncomfortable feeling as well.
     
  7. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Haha. Sometimes I wish I could have a good ugly cry and just let it all out. it hasn't happened in a while. I think anxiety and stress block the tears for me.
     
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  8. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Just had my first couples counseling session and I gotta say it was nice to have some hope that there is a brighter future for us if we make it through the shit mountain of pain that I caused.

    I know that it is going to be hard as hell to make it, but I am willing to give it everything I have for a while. After watching the Helping Her Heal videos by Doug Weiss I tried to follow his understanding stuff with her and it work amazing. It was magical. We are still sleeping in separate rooms for now, but maybe soon I will move back in to the big bedroom. Life is busy for me. I have a new niece as of saturday and I am so proud of my little brother and his wife making it through a really scary and long delivery. I have 3 kids and they just spend longer in labor than my wife did for all of our children combined.

    I probably have a lot more to write, but I am super tired so I need to go to bed. Good night nofappers.
     
  9. Marriage is not something that you have to work on for a certain time, and then it all goes smoothly from then on. It takes constant thought, effort, commitment, etc. from both sides...even without having been damaged by PA. So, why would you be willing to give it everything you have only for a while?

    I believe that is one of the most important elements for healing the marriage. Without understanding, there is no empathy, and without empathy, there is no healing, IMO. Those videos have so much great information to help you through this process. Did your wife watch them with you?
     
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  10. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Thanks fir asking. I see how that could be misunderstood. i am acknowleging the fact that there are no guarantees and while marriage is difficult no matter what, after betrayal the relationship becomes very unbalanced for a period of time. So when i say i am willing to give it everything i have for a while that means i am willing to give her the space she needs to heal and not expect to be heard as much by her. I am willing to get my emotional needs (that will eventually be met by her) met by my support group while i support and understand her through the healing process. That is going to be a finite amount of time. I get that it will be a slow transition into a healthy relationship and we dont just arrive one day, but i am sure we will see progress along the way and if it doesnt eventually feel better in our relationship we will have to re-assess if healing is possible for us.

    My wife bought them and asked me to watch them after watching them herself. I also appreciated what he said about anger.
     
  11. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

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    I doubt a support group will come close to meeting emotional needs. Not to be a wet blanket. Maybe it will be like that for you. One definitely gets out proportional to the investment, and maybe you're strong on participation.

    What I'd look for is strategic help, accountability, and maybe a side of being able to accept who you are.

    Hopefully your wife isn't consciously depriving you of emotional support. Much of the recovery material I've come across cites that as abusive. Which is hyperbole, no doubt. But, the point remains that it's not helping anyone, and certainly not the person who feels betrayed.
     
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  12. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    I am curious how many support groups you have tried to back up your doubts? I had doubts before I joined mine as well. And like anything in life you get out what you put in, the relationships i have developed with those guys over the last couple years have been indispensable.

    Support groups are strategic, promote accountability and help you accept who you are...seems like you are trying to sell me on a support group haha.

    It is difficult right now in my relationship, but i dont think you saw that i said i dont expect to be heard as much. It is unbalanced. Not abusive. But thank you for looking out for me.
     
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  13. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

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    Proportionality as indicated, yes. Maybe I'm guilty of under-investing. But, not every time. One problem is some types want to change everything about you, compromise unrelated morals, and so forth. Kind of like if an agnostic person wanted support and everyone hammered on them about religion - not going to work. In my case, there's a high likelihood no one would like my opinionated self if I really spoke up a lot? In any case, yes, I've tried several similar groups.

    Identifying something as "abuse" was just my way of pointing out how to retain sanity in the emotional churn right now; logically knowing something is an ok expectation helped me a lot of times, even if it went on unmet for a season or more. Not to be wildly accusatory or have ammo against loved ones. Just to remain grounded.

    The whole nature of my previous comment was not wanting to see you set yourself up for a fall in either front. Steel yourself for any eventuality. You have what it takes. The additional details you've discussed prove that for sure :)
     
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  14. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Yes I have heard of some twelve step groups trying to put people in a box so to speak. I appreciate you bringing up the fact that it is a relationship with two people in it. It is kind of ironic, because I am so self focused in recovery. I spent my first year and a half focusing mostly on myself and not engaging in helping my wife heal. I flat out refused couples counseling for 2 years. Which is probably a reason why it is so difficult now. But here we are. I cannot change what I have done only what I will do. And I know one thing. I will definitely make mistakes along the way.

    Thanks for the encouraging words brother. I appreciate your input.
     
  15. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    This week has been crazy in the 1day household. Working a lot, side projects, grief and LICE. Friday was an interesting day to say the least. My wife was feeling a punch of grief and was going to ask my parents to take the kids for the night, and made the phone call then two minutes later found a bug on my daughters head. She had a bit of a break down. Meanwhile it was month end push for me and I had scheduled to borrow the company trailer and have a couple guys help me grab a couple platforms. So we talked on the phone and she asked me to make sure I got that stuff done as quickly as possible. I decided to grab the kids when I got home and take them to the store with me to get more lice treatment to give my wife a break. It was a tough outing. I ended up sitting on the floor with trying to read labels of the lice treatment stuff while my 3yo was throuwing a temper tantrum. I definitely bought some alcohol at the store. But that kinda went bad too because my wife and I took shots when I got home and then she asked me to do a few things and I fell asleep on the floor while she was taking a shower. So she was super mad at me and the night ended with her yelling at me for not doing what I said I was going to do. It was a long day.
     
  16. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Today was an ok day. I had group this morning and then did a bunch of yard work. I noticed a cycle of thought that happens when my wife experiences pain. She can get stuck in a feedback loop going back to the same thoughts over and over again. Today we tried a FANOS check in and made it through F but that was about it. Everyone is exhausted and my oldest daughter seems depressed to me. She is just really tired and she said she was scared of me. I guess how I handled the store situation last night scared her. I really want to see my family be restored to one of joy and peace, and I know that it will take a lot for us to get there. I hope that we make it.
     
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  17. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    So I have been thinking of trading out my therapy group, which I pay for, and starting going to a local SAA group instead. I wonder what it would be like to get a sponser, and start the twelve steps with as much time as I have in recovery. Will it be weird to walk in with 6 months of sobriety? will I have the same level of connection with the guys? Will I meet someone who has actually gone through the whole process of relational reconciliation? I have only ever spoken to one guy who has written an empathy letter.

    The main reason I am thinking of it is because we started couples counseling and so we are adding another avenue for money to leave out bank account and we are already barely hanging in there right now. The benefits of going to that group is there are 3 a week, it is free, closer to home and SAA of all of the different sex addict meetings seems to be the most in line with my problems. I would appreciate any feedback anyone has on this topic, because I need to figure it out. I will probably try a group and see how it feels.

    Today was kind of stressful for us, lots to do and the emotional triggers are kind of like land mines each day. I sat down and wrote out the steps and script from the Helping her Heal videos on understanding today and I used it. There is a lot of pain that is coming out these days. It helped get through without my escalating the energy level, but I have to say I felt a bit discouraged afterwards. I guess I want it to FEEL like a win and in reality there is not a lot of good feelings coming from these conversations. Maybe that is what I should expect. I am feeling gaurded about my emotions as well. So there is another danger for me.

    I need to do something for me. I need something good for me that has no other purpose than I enjoy doing it. I will think on this this week.

    Alright, that is enough rambling. I am intested to hear of peoples experiences with SAA and if it is a good replacement for therapy group.
     
  18. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

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    @Max Fisher might be able to share a little, or know of others to tag.

    I am extremely guarded about my true emotions. That's probably there for a reason? Tread lightly, but as you're asking questions like this, you're probably in a good growth phase so best of luck to you!
     
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  19. blazer72

    blazer72 Fapstronaut

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    I started an in person 12 step program after being in a phone meeting for about 2 months. Everyone was very accepting and I am really enjoy going now. I do feel a bit inadequate at times thinking that my problems are not as serious as some others in the group and maybe I don't belong, but that is just the addict talking. I hear my story repeated to me by others every time I go. I think it will be a good experience.
     
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  20. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Thanks for responding. Yes i totally relate to feeling gaurded with people. I think it is a necessity for our addiction to grow.
     
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