I'm gutted by my husband's new(?) porn psyche, A Sad Rambly Rant (I'm sorry).

Welcome to the site! I hope you will find the support you need, and hopefully your husband will be insightful, but, to be serious, I doubt that...

Even if it was "normal", even if it was "typical and average", it still doesn't mean it's good. It could as well be a sad reflection of what our society is becoming these days. The boredom he feels is an inner emptiness. He uses the quick fix to fill it, the problem is that he'll need more next time. Well, you know about this yourself as you're already talking about his reward system.

I can ensure you that this is not necessarily the case. I know this, because it definitely wasn't the case for my ex-girlfriends. His addiction is like a hidden domain that you just don't have access to. The only way you might participate in it could be that you have a "bad taste" (this is an unsatisfying expression) in men, as you say you have been cheated on before. However, even if this was the case, you still wouldn't have caused his addiction, and regardless of all this, you simply are where you are now. The best thing you can do is to try to help, but he has to see the problem first. He has to return to reality himself.

Sorry you have to go through this. Your husband said terrible things to you and his behavior speaks for itself. To be honest, at this point it sounds quite hopeless to me. Apparently, he isn't even showing the slightest desire to come back to the real world and prefers his "unrealistic shit fantasy" just as you say.

As I said you didn't cause it, and while you feel "low, old, ugly and vanilla" I hope you know that this isn't true. And what a terrible word is "vanilla"? Sex obviously feels best when it is loving and intimate. If you already use this word, it should be a positive thing in our over-sexualized society.

He obviously isn't caring for your feelings at the moment. You can try to give him some more time, but if you're feeling too miserable to do that there is no option but to show him how serious the situation is for you. It is up to you how you do it. I sincerely hope that telling him how you feel about this will make him realize something. The "ultima ratio" would be a divorce, of course. (I'm only saying this to speak it out loud. May be someone else has better advice.)

 

Welcome to the forum and feel free to rant and rave as much as you need. You have every right to feel confused, angry, and betrayed. The day of the 'Big Talk' is one of the worst days in a couple's lives. Your deck of cards has been thrown up in the air and the cards have barely come to rest, but eventually you both will start sorting out this mess. It takes time, but eventually the brain will start sorting things out. Don't feel pressured to sort it all out right away. It may be hard to look beyond your own pain right now but things will start to stabilize and improve in one form or another. You have ripped off the band-aid and all you can feel right now is the pain. You've exposed the festering wound underneath and now there's hope that it can finally heal.

The things he said were painful and hurtful. The things he did were despicable and detestable. Here's the good news. Good news? Yes, good news. That was the addict version of your husband talking. Addict Husband is full of pain, hurt, delusion, and BS. Addict husband is an emotional child stuck in an adult body. Addict husband is out of control and needs (to borrow a phrase) a frying pan to the head. Addict Husband has a chance to go away. Your Real Husband has a chance to reemerge from under all this crap that is on the surface. Addict Husband wants all the things he sees on the computer screen. Real Husband will eventually realize that no pornstars are going to fall from the sky, even if one did they could not make him happy, and that a satisfying and fulfilling life lies with you and not in the imaginary world he built in his own mind. Real Husband will eventually understand that chasing that phantom, elusive feeling only leads to misery. Real Husband has a chance to make things right and help heal your relationship.

Your husband now has a choice. He can retreat back into his imaginary world or he can start on the path to recovery. Every addict has a rock-bottom moment where they realize they need to change. Hopefully you gave him something to think about. As painful as last night's talk was you have to have a followup talk today. You need to ask him, "What are you going to do now because the status quo is no longer acceptable." Put the burden on HIM to move forward. Sounds like he destroyed your will to fight last night so it's his responsibility to move forward and eventually help you heal. You don't have to have the answers... make him search for them.

I know it sounds cliche but you need to hear this. This is not your fault. You did not make his problem worse. You are not the cause of any of his problems. You do not share responsibility for his addiction. You are beautiful and desirable and talented and capable. You are enough for any man. No pornstar can compare to YOU. They are the ones that are lacking and deficient.

Feel free to ask any questions or continue to rant if you need to. We are hear to listen and help.

 

This advice is spot on. He needs to do the work.

 

A year ago my marriage was on the rocks too. My wife had told me she was going to move out, take our kids with her, and tell everyone the real reason why she moved out. She didn't have faith that I could change. I had never given her a reason to believe I could change. But slowly things did get better. I'm not saying they definitely will in your case... I'm just saying there's a possibility for things to come back from the brink.

The important thing right now is to not make any major decisions that you may later regret. You always have time to pack your bags and leave. In fact, save that option for a later time. Give him time to 'wake up' and if he doesn't then you can hit him with a more drastic 'rock-bottom' event.

If verbal conversations are too explosive right now you can always write a letter. It can be a therapeutic tool to purge your emotions or sort out your thoughts. You can also give it to him to read when he's in a better frame of mind.

To give you perspective, getting an addict to admit they have a problem is the hardest part of the process. People with other addictions have an entire family staging an intervention to get them to realize their problem is serious. The only thing remotely close are the one-on-one discussions you are currently having with him. It's a lot easier to blow off the opinions of one person as opposed to an entire family. To borrow another analogy it's like trying to wake someone up from the Matrix. Some people just don't want to wake up.

Rest up. Gather your strength. Shield yourself. Nurture yourself. Don't second guess yourself. This process is not easy, but you will survive it.

 

I just wanted to contribute and support what everyone has been telling you as true.

They have said this as well. So will be a bit of a repeat.

There is a dumb saying, but 'where ever you are, there you will be'. You're hubby hasn't achieved enlightenment to understand where his needs and lack of satisfaction has come from. He has bought into the glamorous version of people, seeing only the flashy and attention getting aspects.

(This weekend, I had a bit of relapse, and on of the things I happened upon was leaked pictures of celebrities naked. They in their natural state looked more more 'hot' than the average women around me. They were just people and while they posses a bit more fitness than the someone that doesn't try, they are no different). However, what your hubby strongly wants to believe (and the marketing message of PMO), is that there is a better life of 'more'. (More intense, more quantity, more quality, more!) However, he has failed to understand that even if all those things were true, that his experience would be limited by his own sensitives and his own physical state. I'm not calling your hubby stupid or inadequate. We all go through this, and it's only by introspection, and time spent understanding people that you can come to understand the truth.

I understand your anger. He said the words that no partner should ever hear when dealing with a PMO issue. He actually compared you to the fantasy, and questioned why you couldn't be that. It's every partners worse fear, and he actually confirmed it. (By the way, even if it wasn't said in anger, that qualifies in the area of emotional abuse). You have every right to be angry, confused, and to feel dis-empowered. Just realize that you can do nothing to fix this. You can't combat that level of disconnect with reality. You did nothing to contribute to it, so you can do nothing to solve for it. All you can do is educate yourself on the fundamentals of his issue, and to learn to help guide him to the right resources. However, change only comes to the willing. He has to want to take those steps. You can't be a fantasy. You can't be thousands of women in all stages of life in at their peak fitness in impossible circumstances.

(On a positive note, if he is willing to let the light in, there is great hope that he can come back. It can be done.)

At current his enchanted perspective of better life through porn holds him prisoner. He would need a trusted mentor to guide him through the illusions shown, and accept what is being said as what is 'false'. He would need to find a means to understand why this 'message of more' holds power over him. That requires many different efforts. (NoFap is one, but he needs additional help). Therapy might very good for him. But bringing him to NoFap might help him understand what others have dealt with.

(I know you already know this. But I wanted to validate your assumptions. At the risk of running very long in this response, I offer the following affirmations. They won't help your hubby unless he is willing to listen, but they might help you as a sanity check.)

As a matter for discussion, while it is normal to 'look' in real life of women that enter your surroundings, it is not necessary or normal to seek out sexual material on the web. To do so means that the person involved is looking for sexual arousal. It does not provide any benefit other than arousal, usually as a means to masturbation. While many men do in fact consume porn, not 'all' do. Again, while one might say 'it's only normal look', that isn't true. That is the talk of an addict that hasn't gained respect for his status. Worse is that he is using 'gaslighting' to try to convince you his weakness is your issue. No one should ever want porn more than they want real life sex. That isn't normal (for anyone by addicts). Suggesting anything might mean many things in their mind, but you can't let them try to normalize what you know isn't.

Additionally, not all men want a porn star. That statement alone shows a great amount of disillusionment that your hubby possess. He might also be one that thinks that being with a 'virgin' would be amazing. I have a friend who married a 23 year old virgin (who saved herself till marriage), and it was horrible for him. (I won't get distracted discussing it here, but the idea of purity, and taking of something untouched comes with great responsibilities, and in some cases a great amount of drawbacks).

As far as porn stars go, I offer you some of what I learned through documentaries and just average life experience. There are a good deal of documentaries that show both what life is like in the industry, and what is like once you leave. They are just people after all. Most women work only 3 months in the porn industry. There is a very small window where they look exactly as they do. After three months, they have a hard time maintaining the look. Those women are so skinny that any actual lapse in dieting will cause dramatic increases in body mass. In short, most amateurs are 18-19, and it's in a highly transitional point of their lives where even within a year they look nothing like that. Any male or female that has enough life experience would be able know that almost all natural breast are only that perky and firm for a women just coming into her sexual maturity, and that child birth/nursing, diet, and gravity will often rapidly change those characteristics by the time they reach their mid 20's. (There are exceptions, but they are so very rare).

Not that it's the most 'balanced' documentary perspective, in that it is decidedly 'anti-porn', but there was a movie called 'after the porn' that showed several large porn names and what they looked like 10, 15, and 20 years later. They look no more like 'porn' material at all. What's even funnier is that those women are often drawn to the industry by the fact that they possessed no skills or traits that would make them any more successful in life. In what documentaries I've seen, it was said the average woman makes $30k in those 3 months, but it's usually spent by the time they are exiting the industry. They are emotionally children after all, and they think fast money now, means fast money later, and they spend what they make. (largely on outfits as they have to provide their own clothes to work). Additionally, in those movies, I was rather struck by the fact that the living conditions they kept were no different than my teenage sons. (which is to say disheveled and unaffected by a need to keep order or cleanliness.) Again, the point of this is to say, while many men might at least desire a sexual encounter with a porn star, if they ever did, they would realize that a porn star is often an immature adult that has no more potential of being a supporting, healthy life partner than any other person.

(I often imagine that being in a relationship with the average porn star would be like raising a daughter, except this daughter would have no boundaries from which I would be able to help her find a center. I myself prefer equals in strong voiced and strong personality women, and not a child I would have to shelter and pander to. Even that, I would not be her equal in that my idea of a 'wild time' would be nothing like what she had encountered)

(Warning possible triggers)
Not that I think it wise or likely that you would accomplish anything to have the discussion with your hubby, but if you want examples of before and after, to show your hubby how reality works.... two of the celebrities I was most stunned by the movie perspective, versus their real life nudity was Jenifer Lawerence and Scarlett Johansson. Both have leaked nude photos. While Jenifer was too young for me, and in movies written for a younger audience than I ever pay attention to, Scarlett was someone I had seen in the Marvel movies with avengers. Both if you see them are no more stunning that any women I've ever known. While they might have onscreen sizzle, it's all outfits and makeup. Google them, and you will find the nude photos easily (if not look for 'the fappening').

I realize this was a lot to say exactly what others had. But I wanted to try to offer you support. Maybe they will help in the next discussion you have with your hubby.

In any case, stay strong. I can tell you care, and I can tell there is support and open mindedness in what you have written. There is hope for you. There may be hope for him.

 

@Kimdracula I can relate to much of what you are feeling. There is an awesome support forum for SO's @ILoathePwife can add you if you'd like

 

@i_wanna_get_better1 this is so true. And once the veil is lifted, it is not easy to go back. Once the addict comes out of the fog and sees with clarity that that fantasy world is just a polished turd, it looses it's hold over him.

 

I am going through the exact same thing as the original post... this response was lovely and cautiously optimistic.

 

Thank you for this @i_wanna_get_better1

I hope addict, lying, secretive husband leaves, allowing real, loving husband to be with me. I'm grieving the lost YEARS. I know we can't get that back, and we can only look forward. I just wish I saw empathy, ownership, remorse and the investment of time (by him) to work on this to make it better for us. He still spends more time on solo things HE enjoys vs. time on healing our relationship. @whyte