I'm extremely hard on myself when I relapse

I am a wife to a very good and loving husband. We've been married for a little more than two years, we have a beautiful daughter and I'm currently pregnant with our second. He's a resident and works so hard with crazy shifts and long hours. It's important for me that when he comes home he feels like he can relax, like he's home. So the house needs to at least look tidy lol, have a decent dinner, toddler and I look clean lol and we're happy to greet him when he comes home. (To the best of our ability he's very patient and understanding when it isn't always that way. It can't always be)

He is also aware that this addiction is something I'm struggling with. He tells me that it'll take time for it to break and it won't be easy. But what's good is that I keep trying. This could really damage relationships and has destroyed marriages before so it is important that I keep trying. But with this in mind every time I relapse I'm too hard on myself maybe. I get so scared that this means each time I relapse I've betrayed him, or he'll love me a little less. This has no real foundation to lean on, it's just my fears but it stresses me so much. Everything get's pushed back the house isn't as clean, dinner is half-assed. I quickly do my hair and become too cheerful or affectionate when he comes home to hide any tell that might let him know I didn't win that day. Also to cover up the fear and anxiety I'm feeling when he comes home. I've never been good at hiding anything. When he comes home my stress is too the roof because even if things are acceptable to me I know where I've fallen short in the day and it's too much pressure on myself.

I think I just need a little love and a good cuddle at these times. But after working 12+ hr shifts when he comes home he eats dinner, plays with baby and talks with me for a few hours, and then by the time I put our toddler to sleep he's falling asleep if not already asleep. I can't blame him, he needs to rest, but I would really just love some one on one time with our undivided attention. Not being interrupted by my guilt, anxiety or our toddler lol but just to be with him and reaffirm that he loves me and will still love me even when it's not my best day.

 

hmmm...I haven't thought of looking for cuddles as a reward. I definitely don't think I should be rewarded after a relapse, because I'm pretty down and hard on myself. Is that what you were saying? Cuddling after being so hard on myself makes the intimacy of it insincere? Like cuddles should only be for wanting to connect with my SO, not for like soothing after beating myself up all day?

I'm so hard on myself because I think about the consequences that have happened to some marriages because of a partner's inability to stop. That makes me afraid that maybe if he knew he would feel some things that they were feeling (betrayed, not good enough, lack of trust, doubt if my feelings are real, and if I'm present when we are intimate, objectified.) I'm scared if he feels those things and if he feels these things it scares me that by relapsing and continuing we may head the direction those couples did. These thoughts go through my mind after I relapse like the whole day, and the things that get neglected or pushed back because of the time I spent reaffirms 1) this isn't a good thing 2) it's like I put a bad habit that could potentially be harmful to our relationship before the man I love. Giving in doesn't just effect my relationship it effects the state of our home ,the meals that we eat. It's not done with love it's done with fear, rushing to make up lost time, and desperation. He feels most loved when I do my part, because he's out there working hard so we can be comfortable. I'm supposed to be at home working hard so he can feel comfortable when he comes home. It shows I'm active in this relationship. So days that I relapse I fail I can't take the time I wasted back. I have to rush and make things the way the should be only so much before he comes home. That is not a good reason to do those things. Which makes me feel worse. I do love him very much it's just this addiction is a real struggle. When I let the addiction win a day, I feel like we loose a day.

So...wanting to cuddle after all that I anticipate and hope that we still feel loved when and after we do cuddle. Like affirming that even though today was not the best I'm communicating that I still want to try and be there, I still love you, one day doesnt change everything, were okay. Were probably not thinking all that at the same time, he's probably not thinking that at all lol I know what Ive done and whats been on mind. He's just came home saw things werent the best,maybe suspected why it's not, hung out, and fell asleep, wife wants to cuddle. But maybe he has similar thoughts when we do. When we dont cuddle I dont think its a sign that all my fears are confirmed. It just feels much better when we do especially after having all that anxiety. Maybe thats selfish but I dont think theres anything wrong when I hope for something that reminds me it isnt the end of the world and our relationship,"look hes holding me close and caressing my face." he loves me Its encouraging and gives me hope, and makes me take it all in and think,'this is what makes this struggle worth going through. I dont want this to end because of a dirty habit. I don't want my tomorrow to be the same as today.' and it's honestly better to feel when we're not interrupted for at least 10 minutes, 15 the longest but by then he's already asleep which is fine lol

I know it's my fault things didn't go this way so he's not obligated to give me anything. But I never thought of it as a reward, or definitely not a reward for rushing and covering up everything so it looks like I didn't give in that day. After beating myself up so much it just feels encouraging.
*shrug*