I'm a wife- just hit home my husband is addicted and it's hard to process.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by ClearChrystal, Mar 21, 2017.

  1. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone, it's been so hard to make an account and post in here. I've been married for 7yrs with a man I love dearly and feel it's reciprocal, however sexual intimacy has been dissapointing from the very start (the first time we ever had sex he couldnt manage to come unless he finished himself off). I blamed myself for it and assumed I just had to be better in bed. All the guys I have been with before gave me good sex and were so complimentary towards my sex and this concept of not having a guy orgasm was new. IN the honeymoon stages when we moved in together and had sex every morning, he started to avoid during that (and me too sometimes as rushing to go to work)- but I felt it wasn't that bad (maybe 20%decrease of sexual activity). I remember now saturdays mornings when I slept in and I woke up to find him getting off with porn in the other room. I was embarrased and tip toed and pretended I didn't see. I just thought I have to inspire him better in bed.
    Parallel to that though, we connected so well emotionally [minus the 'mindblowing' sex] , been able to build a lot of thigns together, that I just assumed he's just not good in bed..that some men are lke that and I love anyway the rest of him .... and felt inadequate but not enough to stop me in my tracks.
    Cue 3yrs into marriage, I discover his porn stack. In short after painstakng talks I learnt he was wanking off at work in the toilet anytime he could, at home anytime he couldnt when I wasn't around.Huge cathegorised porn collection and also on his phone. SUbscription to some voyeur site. MEanwhile there I was craving for sex with him and being turned down in a subtle way. Cue distress , arguments. Eventualyl he accepted me with him whilst he wacthed porn. Hey, kinky! I thought. Was a bit surpirsed by the way he browsed it (lots of pages open.. skimming through videos for scenes...jumping to another video.. etc etc.. it was a bit crazy actually.. I think we must have seen about 30females during a session we made out whilst watchign his porn). A few days later though,he told me he isnt sexually attracted to me, as he seems to like his porn stereotype of skinny young blondes. (I'm athletic and slim, always groomed, dark curly long hair that I felt it was an asset ha). My world crushed.
    EVentually he agreed to give up porn just to show me 'how easy it is', and that he is not addicted. We reconnected. HE started coming back from work wanting sex with me. TOld me how it feels when not masturbating. Started going to the gym. In time at his suggestion, and thinking all is awesome now, I thought it was a good thing to change my hair colour into a lighter one, and straightened my hair.... It's so obvious looking back what an idiot I was....
    Te next year passed and we started to try for a baby. During pregnancy I wasnt feeling sexual at all but he didnt seem to mind that. We had an intense baby and toddler with sleepless nights and no chance of intimacy. No space in my mind to think about his sexual life and motherwood swiped me off my feet. As things got better though, he never ever initiated any sexual contact, and neither did I, I couldn't feel the pheromones. BEcame aloof , distant. I distanced myself too, unable to pinpoint why. THe distantlook, my constant asking him if he was OK as e seemed on another planet. We had many arguments in which he said I'm too needy and he can't give me what I want, that we aren't compatible. Caught him again watching porn whilst I was meant to put our 2yrs old to sleep. I went crazy with upset and he suggested we get a divorce and sulked for weeks.
    Eventually he came around saying that he loves me but I am so negative and so intense and watching porn doesnt mean he doent love me, for he loves me very much. I told him I have no problem with porn but I have a problem with him jerking off whilst I'm in the next room craving for sexual interaction to him. No aswer to that. SO I resorted again to change.. maybe I am too negative and too nagging... He responded well to me not bringing the subject (and also not allowing him time alone with laptop by somehow making myself busy there and then wth him and pretending 'I'm not sleepy so no early bed for me' in the evenings,and goign to bed at the same time as him). Stalking basically, ha. In the week of doing that we had sex 4 times (I initiated) but ofcourse he couldn't come unless he jerked himself off, with that deathgrip and eyes closed. I was surprised to see he likesto wank himself dry, no lube no lubricant, and forcefully too. Vaginal sex just leaved him limp.. No BJ or kinky stuff from me does it. I asked him what he'd like me to do in bed and he's ambivalent although not refusing, it's alwasy 'up to me' if HJ or BJ. He told me though 'sometimes in future' he'd lke me to swallow his come. Ofcourse he would...it seems a huge step from trying to reconnect to someone to jumping straight into a fantasy.
    He is now gone for 2 weeks with our two yrs old kid to visit his parents so I have time to think. It just hit me and I started googling it. Came across the site yourbrainonporn. Read through forums. Ordered the book and been reading half f it last night.
    I see now he is addicted. I see that is not my fault. It hever has. I feel so upset and stupid for not seeing it earlier. I feel I wasted my time and it's entirely my fault because signs were there but I ddidn't want to see them. These feelings are liberating because they take away my feelings of being sexual inadequate to a man, but they have broken my heart. I don't even blame him, I am not upset with him. I am so so ashamed of my lack of judgement.
    And I feel like I betrayed myself. Where is the woman who had her sexual desires fulfilled (always in monogamous relationships). Where is the woman who had higher standards in bed (meaning expecting to be pleased as well as pleasing the partner). WHere is the woman who could distnguish between intimate making love and just sex for fun (nothing wrong with that) and connect with partners this way.
    So I sent him a long whatsapp message saying taht I love him and I hope he felt the intimacy I felt in our good times, but that I think he is addicted to porn because he withdraws in it everytime we have an issue in our marriage, which is convenient for him but not fair for me if to stand a chance of building something together. I told him I didn't blame him or think he did it our of hatred to me or being mean, life just got in the way, but I think it's a problem and it's up to him to decide if he wants to look at it. I think it's a problem because 'no man says "I hope to grow up married to a wonderful woman who waits in bed for mewhile I'm in the den masturbating to porn'". Told him we have time apart and he can think in between jerking off if that's the case.

    I don't kow what I'm asing here, I just felt the need to talk about it. NO way I can bring this o my friends now. I guess, are there any other women feeling /dealing wit this now?
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2017
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  2. stacey

    stacey Fapstronaut

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    Hand raised high. I am dealing with much of this same stuff. And I am worried I will lose my best friend if I share everything. Her ex husband hurt deeply with his cheating and she left him immediately. She is so angry with my partner and doesn't even know half of it. She would be majorly triggered if I shared it all with her. It's so lonely. Feel free to message me any time you need to chat.
     
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  3. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    thank you for this, it's unbelievable how relieving it feels that sadly this is not an unique situation. I will take you up on it and message you. Today I am worn out from it all and would rather forget about it. It's taken over my thoughts and it's there in every little thing I do. Very tired. Luckily I am home alone for the week and I feel it's important to just mourn without interference and a small kid to run around. There is no way I could tell my bestie either, not to the other friends. they're all feminists and have 'kicked a $#$' with men in their life and I'm one of the few of the pack who was happily married with the odd hiccup here and there. I have a good mate that's been through this very thing... her husband recovering from porn addiction..they've had therapy and the rest of it. took yrs to sort it and what brought them together in the end was having a family tragedy in which they lost a child and that seemed to have her partner turn on his heels and actually work on his addiction
    I felt for her and I have had so much respect for her journey and struggle as a couple. they are strong now and both very open about what's been going on (how refreshing). but she is of the opinion that my husband is not amazing and I'm afraid of talking to her and being judged that I am a softie or a back bender. It's so much to digest and it consoles me that you've contacted me. and I'm so sorry about it
     
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  4. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the forum. It seems out of all the addictions this one receives the least amount of attention. Everyone knows the warning signs of alcoholism or drug addiction. Who know something this world considers 'normal' could develop so many negative side effects. Don't blame yourself for feeling uneducated and feeling stupid for not being able to put together all the clues. You've had better things to do than play detective. Hopefully now there is some relief in knowing what the problem is and how you can move forward.

    I experienced many of the things your husband had gone through. Even though I was the one living with the addiction I had no idea why I was compelled to act the way I was acting. Only when I did my own research did I realize that this was not merely a bad habit that might go away on it's own. But it was a full blown addiction. This addiction surrounds us with delusional thinking that prevents us from recognizing what is going on. (I'm not trying to excuse or justify the behavior.) After doing my research I finally understood why my feeble attempts to get clean failed miserably.

    I'm impressed with how you expressed yourself to your husband. It was loving and kind but with a clear message. Hopefully he will get the hint and want to talk about it more. Some husbands need a little more than a hint though. If he persists then it's time to have 'the status quo is no longer acceptable' speech. It will take time to process all this information and emotions. Have hope... many couples have been able to fix their relationship problems and returned to happier times. Keep drawing strength from others. Keep educating yourself and learning things from the experience of others. I hope you are able to find the answers, advice, and support you need going forward.
     
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  5. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    I am sorry to read your story. You truly deserve better than this. There is a great forum here for SO's. The advice I would give is to educate yourself as much as possible on the addiction and share it all with your SO. Realizing that it wasn't just a harmless hobby and subsequently connecting the dots of how the habit was effecting his relationship with myself, our kids and other people in his life, was the major catalyst for my SO to reboot and kick the habit for good. He realized that it is an addiction and he realizes that he can't have both an addiction and a healthy, happy life.
     
  6. Elsie

    Elsie Fapstronaut

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    Welcome. As everyone said, I'm sorry to have read your story, but I'm glad you found this site so you know you're not alone. My husband struggled for a very long time before he was able to admit that he had a problem with PMO but eventually he did. I'm glad that you were able to share how you felt with him in healthy, respectful way so he won't feel attacked and hopefully he will respond in kind.
     
  7. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your replies! I am now pretty active on this forum and I am getting answers to so many questions. I cannot believe just how identical my experience is with that of other wifes and partners and how men that have been through this report that his behaviour is what they used to do as well. I am truly gobsmacked at the level of introspection and self awareness that guys who reboot display here. It's like the stuff of dreams. It's incredible to find so much validation
    It's like a veil has been lifted and it's such a special gift to be able to see the whole confusing experince for what it really is. I cannot thank you enough

    I have decided to show my husband this thread very soon, as it's a simple way to start and it's not as overwhelming as me coming down on top of him with he 'psychobabble' as he calls it when I attepmt such analysis and introspections. All bets are off! He is going on a work trip for 5 days so I wana to send him this before he leaves, so he has something to 'read'. It will be between this new concept and accepting it and the solitary 'time with himself' and the wifi connection at the hotel.. He has surprised me in the past by being a great listener and at least letting me say what I think.. How it was followed through though, it was always lost in translation lol. SO wish me luck!
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2017
  8. stacey

    stacey Fapstronaut

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    I'm glad you are ready to confront him on this. He sound like he has the capacity to accept what you are saying.
     
  9. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    all bets are off... wrote him an email and sent the link to that Gary Wilson short talk. nervous!
     
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  10. stacey

    stacey Fapstronaut

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    I'm so glad for you that you've confronted him. I hope he responds well.
     
  11. Elsie

    Elsie Fapstronaut

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    My husband is the same way. A very good listener but sometimes we got our communication wires crossed. It took time for us to learn how to re-communicate after we were both in a healthier mindset and in better recoveries.

    Wishing you each lots of luck. Hope to hear from you soon.
     
  12. D2dak1987

    D2dak1987 Guest

    Yes, definite porn addiction stemming from long before you two where a thing. Reading your story I can say I'm impressed with how you've conducted yourself and approached your husband. He struggles with you because he's addicted to porn even though your willing to try anything To Help / please him...

    I started watching porn because my fiance isn't interested in reciprocating as much effort as I put in. It is usually males that are selfish in bed and not the other way round, oh the irony.

    Is he signed up here? This website will serve to help him beat he's addiction but he needs to put in the effort and it's going to be bloody hard given how long he's been doing it.
     
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  13. Ghost_Rider

    Ghost_Rider Fapstronaut

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    I read this long essay, and i can tell that you are a good woman to put up with this shit because most women would just dump the guy.
    Tell him aboit nofap.com, show him threads, tell him dopamine receptors down regulation
    You have to make him siit and make him understand that its horrible addiction, he needs to get rid of it asap..
     
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  14. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    Ha thank you. That's the plan. Addiction or not (he says he is not as he knows his limits.. tbis bhurts to the core and I can't eat since its kn my head. I need it to stop
     
  15. Ghost_Rider

    Ghost_Rider Fapstronaut

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    Hey just relax, you're a nice person,
    Just do what a nice woman and a nice wife is supposed to do, COMMUNICATE WITHHIM in a very polite loving manner,
    Once he sees all these threads , he will understand , but you must make him understand without trying to force him because that can backfire usually with an addict,
    Just tell him to view this site..
     
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  16. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    Thank you!:). I'm.looking for a safe way of showing him this as I don't want to overwhelm him. Already sent him a long long letter talking about all my feelings about this and how much I care about him. He's read it and granted has been more attentive since then but says he needs time to digest my letter. So let's see.
     
  17. Ghost_Rider

    Ghost_Rider Fapstronaut

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    Best of luck, you are here, you are at the right place, now only your husband needs to come here too :)
     
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  18. THERE ARE TRIGGERS IN THIS MESSAGE, PLEASE DON'T WATCH IT IF YOU STILL FEEL DELICATE IN YOUR REBOOT

    I am sorry for what you are going through. I am a 25 year-old female porn and sex addict in recovery. I stopped watching porn 4 months ago and it feels amazing. I get that, once figured the problem out, you had to tell your husband but I don't think that talking about it in a whatsapp message is good. I mean if you get the chance to do it face to face or over the phone is better. Ask him to talk about about it with honesty once he comes back home

    Btw he has to stop with his porn addiction by himself. For how raw this is, no one can convince him to stop with this addiction. If he loves you and your baby, he will do it. It is not easy quitting porn but it is so worth it. If you are religious, for him and you getting close to God in this dark moments helps greatly as I experienced myself. Also a free app called R Tribe is very useful. I put my thoughts everyday there before going to sleep and motivates in my reboot

    I realized I had an addiction to porn and then sex when I tried to stop but failed. I am sure he realized that preferring to jerk off constantly to having sex with you is not a normal sexual behaviour. Once after having "sexually great" sex with a guy I was seeing, time to get into my house that I started masturbating for 3 hours while watching porn. I felt I was still craving sex and sex related stuff even after amazing sex

    An addict feels 24/7 sex and porn are big urges and the goals of his life. The reason of him to turn to porn is because he is unhappy about his life and he uses porn to escape from his worries and problem. He has to decide he wants to really improve his life and put efforts in this

    To sum it up in 7 years of addictions I def realized at some point I was struggling with addictions and that my life was falling apart due to them. I hit rock bottom 5 months ago and and in that moment I knew I had to pick myself up and save my life and social relationships. Porn destroys one's life until there is nothing left to destroy any longer

    the movie "Shame" shows what this addiction is
     
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  19. It is not you! It never has been and never will be anything you can change. It is up to him. Ive been in his shoes, put my marriage into peril when preferring to masturbate to some pretty wild things than to have true intimacy with my wife. It hurt her and I. Be open and honest with him but ask specific questions and dont allow him to give half-assed answers. Discovering the types of porn he turns too will tell you the depth of his addiction. It will be long, hard and he will lie. Love him, help him and support him but dont make excuses for him. Don't let him off the hook.

    I had to hit rock bottom but i am grateful my wife stuck with me and helped me but there was pain for her and I. My bottom was a deep one and very hard when i hit it. There are still times when the mind will return to the ideas that get you the most excited - he has to fight them. Don't let him close his eyes in sex. He needs to look at you and think of you. Don't feel rejected.

    Sometimes guys put their wifes on a pedistal and dont want them to know they are weak. That He doesnt see you like the porn women. You are the mother, lover, and wife he wants but his mind craves the porn high.
     
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  20. Spiff

    Spiff Fapstronaut

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    The cruelty this addiction can bring us to...

    I never said anything like this to my wife - but there was a time in our relationship, when I had a pretty regular porn habit - she could tell that I wasn't all that into her.

    Sometimes, I look back on that time in a moment of clarity and it brings me to tears. She is and always has been incredibly beautiful, and here I was rejecting her for something fake.

    You nailed it. This shows the irrationality that this addiction can bring us to.
     

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