I'll achieve what I want. I don't care how hard it is

Well hello everyone.
I live in Istanbul, Turkey.

First of all I want to begin with a text that I wrote just after I had masturbated three days ago. It has exaggeration in it but this is how we all feel after masturbation.
So after that I'm going to talk about my present thoughts and decisions. In the end I'm going to say how much I love you guys.

First text:
Remember this was written just after a relapse.
This is what I feel after doing PMO for more than nine years.
I don't feel. Yes you read it right, I feel nothing. It's just like I've lost my emotions. I don't enjoy while doing masturbation nor do I feel sorry after doing it. For 9 years I had been in the trap of PMO. I've quited watching P 2 months ago so yes that's a good thing. But I feel a desire to watch girls on TV or on the street. When I saw a girl that dressed a bit you know fancy I just couldn't stop myself looking at her. I've quited PMO but I've been doing masturbation for more than 4 months in my bed. Most of the time it happens like this; I'm getting awake in the middle of the night and I'm masturbating using my pillow, my clothes and my blanket etc. I was doing this thing once in a week. I feel awkward. I'm imaging myself, after I've finished, while doing that stupid thing and it makes me feel like shit. I'm checking my heart and I feel just a bit regret. Not a bit more than that. As I said before I'm like I've lost my feelings and emotions.

I'm a muslim. So I should feel religious things from time to time. There are daily prays that muslims should do. I haven't been doing them properly and I feel nothing while praying.

I don't feel like I'm a human. I just feel like a piece of shit. All the power and intelligence that I could use to make the world a better place is wasted with sexual habits, not feelings.

And there is something worse than that; I've been biting my nails more than 16 years. So this is another bad habit which makes me I hate myself.

That's all, I just feel like I'm a piece of waste. I need to get my feelings and emotions back and be a human again.

I must find a way to quit all of this M thing. I should completely stop before it's too late.
END

As you've just read I'm struggling with two bad habits: masturbation and nail-biting. In the past, I had achieved 2 months streaks for both of them. I'm sure I can do better.

I'ven't been watching porn for at least 2 months. This is really cool, at least I don't feel regret as much as before and I don't have a desire to watch P. I made some changes in my routines three days ago:
As I said before I'd been masturbating during the night so I thought I should sleep less. I was sleeping 9 hours in the night, right now I'm sleeping just 7 hours. I may decrease amount of the time I sleep in the future to 6 hours.
I'm not looking or watching girls on the subway, bus or in the school. I think this is really important for me. Looking girls' bodies always effects me in a negative way, it increases sexual thoughts in my brain. Hence I stopped it.
I don't listen popular music anymore. They are worthless as shit because producers use sexual things to sell their "music".
I replaced my nail-biting habit with something. In Turkey there is a thing called "tesbih" which had probably come from Asia, India or somewhere. You can see it in Budha's hand in some sculptures. It's a circle rope that small balls on it. Whatever, some of the men play with it in their hands in Turkey. Each time I feel a desire to eat my nails, I pick my tesbih and try to relax. It's like a spinner which makes you relax and enjoy at the same time.

I noticed that when I got things to do, I can't even think about PMO, girls or something. It's good to have homeworks, projects etc. I love reading, if I read a book that I like it makes my mind to think more logical. Life is more important each time after I read a page of a book.
I'm a social guy. I don't hesitate to meet people or say hi to them. After I stopped watching P my social skills got even better. So first things first please stop wacthing bad stuff.
I've been doing exercises at home for more than 2 months. Weight-lifting or body-lifting is always good for your mental and physical health. It makes you to spend your energy.
I've just started playing keyboard at home. I'm watching tutorials on the web and trying to learn how to play a piano. In the future I may think to buy a real piano. I'm going to play my own music.

So what I want to achieve? Well, first of all I should find a girl and marry. I have little siblings and it's really cool to play and spend time with them. I want to create a family and have children. Before that I need a job. I want to get a job in the high tech companies in US, Europe or South Africa. I've not worked for a company yet. I need to experience that. I'm going to apply all of the internships that I can find, and work like crazy for them. I want to be super good at what I do.

And lastly I really love you guys who are trying to change himself/herself and struggling to get rid of this disgusting thing that some rich people try to sell them and get even richer. You and I can do lots of great things in this life. Life isn't worthless to spend it in front of a screen and execute your own brain. Use the emergency button occasionally. I found it very cool and useful. I want to write more but I think it's enough for now. I'm going to write soon. It feels really good to talk with you guys.

Until next time.

 

Wow thanks a lot!
I'm going to write more because writing is a great way to show myself how stable I'm about my decision. It's like talking to my brain and saying "Hey, bro. Please do this and don't do this. Because bla bla. Stop acting like a stupid. I want you to act like this and so on...". So yes I will and should write more.

8 years with piano wow!!! I may ask you about your experiences. I'm sure your guidance would be really helpful to me.

There are lots of people in the world who even don't think watching porn is a bad thing. They can't see the truth, so we should also help those people. If you and I and lots of guys from different parts of the world who have become together in a great platform like this, are here right now then this means we're aware of some stuff and we're changing our future. Everything that happens today have started in our brains so we can do this. We can live the life just the way we want. If the problem is about my brain thinks this disgusting stuff is good, well, bad news; It's time to change.

Thanks for your comment. It's very meaningful to me.