I wish I knew then what I know now.....

This is my first time seeing any forum like this. I did not know there was any support for us before. I did not even know porn addiction was a real thing. I went through a almost 10 year relationship with my sons father. We are not together anymore, but we are still close and still coparent. Being with him, while he dealt with this addiction which I did not understand destroyed me. I was 17 when we first got together. My first relationship, fast forward I am married with another man. And I still struggle daily from the previous relationship issues. It has been YEARS, why can't I let this go? I told my new SO how I felt about porn. It became such a huge dark thing for me that it was a absolute deal breaker. I told him if I found him viewing it it would hurt me no less then If I walked in a saw him in bed with another woman. I told him soooo clearly and begged him to understand how serious this was because once I catch him watching it I will never be able to let it go.....and I found it on his phone. just once, he had looked up pornhub. I lost my shit freaked out he swears it was only for the funny videos...I just cried and died. I hope that "funny video" was worth it because you have NO IDEA what you have just done. Now very time your on the phone, overtime your in the shower overtime your awake when I am in bed, every single time my stomach will tie in knots and ill assume thats what your doing. and I will slowly pick myself apart over every stretch mark, any little flaw and compare myself to bodies that I can never achieve. and I will slowly become more and more resentful toward you. and I hate it! I do not want to be like this. I hate being paranoid and wanting to go thru his phone. I hated being like that in the last relationship when I would frantically search the house when left for magazines and dvds, and search under the towels in the cabinet and find portable DVD players and pictures...sometimes even just Victoria secret ads hidden under the bathroom sink and I never wanted to find those things each time I did I would cry and cry. but it became and obsession to look......ugh. I hate what this did to me and I hate the its now darkened my new marriage. I do feel comfort seeing how you guys feel because I didn't understand why I went so crazy when everyone kept saying its just porn! quite being prude all guys do it....it made me feel like my anguish ws just stupid and me being a insecure crazy person. sorry for the long post I just literally have no one else I can talk to and this is literally eating me alive every single day.

 

Thank you. The hormones after birth and the post birth body really does make us feel worse doesn't it? I have a almost 2 week old baby now. And feeling awful about myself

 

I wish I had a answer. Is whats happening now like your previous relationship? My struggle is I can't tell if I'm being overly paranoid ...or is this a problem? Can't trust my own brain.