I will not tell my wife and I will start the reboot anyway TODAY

Too late for that. Not trying to guilt you but factually speaking, you've already committed harms.

Bottom line for you, you'll never stay sober keeping this a secret. Ever heard the expression "we are only as sick as our secrets"? You'll never move past the shame. You're already putting her on a pedestal ("my beautiful wife"). Pretty sure that implies you think she is better than you. That's shame speaking. It's not the truth. It also shows that you pity her. That's care-taking. She can handle it as the capable adult that she is.

The truth is you are equals, both imperfect people who make mistakes. She doesn't need your worship or pity. In this case you did something wrong that you need to right. This one is on you. It's a big one but at the end of the day, it's something you did, not who you are.

You perspective indicates that you think you can put this all in the past and move on. Not so with addiction. You're going to have to live differently every day for the rest of your days. You're already struggling with the "obsession of the mind". Thus, the secret will nag at you every day and it will grow a little every day. Ever read Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart" when you were in high school?

There's a great thread on disclosure in this forum that I and others have posted to. Lots of differing methods and views. All valid. Check it out.

If I were your AP or sponsor a la 12-step, I would not directly require that you tell her, I think that's the role of a CSAT. But I would tell you (just as I have) that your recovery won't work if you're not honest in your relationships. And I would also tell you that you are trying to control and manipulate someone else and prevent them from making healthy choices for themselves. And finally I would tell you that, as your wife, she does have a right to know.

You can make your own choice but know thy perils.

Peace,
-Quinn

 

Everyone will definitely suggest disclosure and for good reason as stated above.


Just cut instagram out of your life, just delete it, set up blocked websites on your phone and computer with accountabiity software / Open DNS. Put restricted mode on for youtube if going at all. Those are choices you will have to make.

 

Just want to add one more item:

If she finds out on her own, that will be much worse. It will be much worse for you because you will have _zero_ credibility. None. If you tell her first, you get one point in the honesty/trust rebuilding bucket. It's the first step in the right direction.

It will be much worse for her as well. The trauma of finding out is far worse than the trauma of being told. I'll let the SO's explain that one to you. They have been there.

So, if you really really truly care about her, if you really think you want to put her first rather than hide with your own fears behind the shield of pretending that you do, you'll tell her. Because it's simple math. It's better for her if you tell her and if you care, you'll want and do what's best for her. She will get this. Whichever path you take, telling her or getting caught (and you WILL get caught), she will get that you care (were honest) or don't care (kept a secret).

So, where do you want to start? In the doghouse honestly sorry for what you did or in the doghouse sorry you got caught? That's the way she will see it.

I'm just telling you what I would tell someone who asked me to keep them accountable.

Peace,
-Quinn

 

Here is my take, as an SO

Of course she will be hurt but she’s probably hurt already from the lack of closeness that comes as a result of lying. It may sound strange, but I have never known a circumstance where someone can simultaneously maintain a big lie and also maintain genuine love, emotional intimacy and closeness.

When you are the partner of a PA (or anyone else who engages in secrecy, for that matter) (secrecy vs privacy, they are not the same) knowing why things feel “strangely wrong” is honestly less painful than just wondering. (Wondering happens when things feel “off”) And hearing disclosure is also less painful than finding something hidden.

The funny thing is that one reason why disclosure is preferable to finding out yourself is because disclosure is a sign of genuine desire to change and that honesty and respect for the partner’s ability to make real choices (i.e. based on knowledge of reality, of the PA) outweigh the fear of shame. If fear of shame is a major driver of addiction and honesty and respect can outweigh fear of shame, then that’s a sign to your wife that there really is a chance of recovery and that she is, if even just somewhere deep down, a true priority to you.

When my own boyfriend disclosed to me some of the most painful things I have ever been told in my life it was still better than the times I found less “heavy” stuff on my own and then ruminated over what else may be hidden and why it’s hidden, the motivation of hiding.

I am no addiction expert but I hope you may consider adding therapy to your resources so that you can begin to understand why you have these problems to begin with. Unfortunately, at least from how I understand things, abstinence from the subject of your addiction is not enough to actually resolve addiction by itself. Recovery is changing an entire mindset.

It’s really good that you were able to identify your feeling of shame, that’s a good first step. Maybe learning more about shame as a concept and why people (and you specifically) feel shame can help you on your journey as well.

Best of luck.

 

I understand the shame, but shame holds you in the addiction.

As an SO who was lied to for a year straight I still stayed once I found out because I knew something was off and found all the P. Don't let her fall into the same stuff where she knows something is off (probably already does) and has to go searching because you won't talk about it/lie about it. She will be so much happier if you come forward to tell her, and she will respect you so much more. She will see you as someone who wants to change, is working towards honesty. If she finds out rather than you coming forward, all you are is a lying (cheat- if she feels PMO is cheating).

If you want help disclosing, I have a sample letter that I wrote of what I wish my husband told me. Most SO's (if not all) wish their PA was honest with them and told them rather than finding out. And if you're ashamed and nervous to tell your SO then a letter can be a great way to do it. You have all your points down on paper and when you read it to her if you feel overwhelmed and get lost, you can look down and remember where you were. If you want help, you can PM me and I can send you the sample letter.

Also, as an SO, I feel like my husband took away my choice to be with him. I feel like he trapped me on multiple occasions with decisions. I did not have all the information I needed to make sound decisions. I changed schools to be with him, he moved into my house within 3 months of dating, we signed a year lease on an apartment and got a kitten.... all decisions I probably would never have made had I known the truth. I would have held out. I honestly would still want to be with him but only once he was sober for 6 months minimum. I would have had a very different life. And the one thing that my husband cannot get over is realizing he took my decisions away.. if anything eats away at him and if there is anything he has shown me remorse over is realizing he took my decisions from me by lying, betraying, and cheating me. He regrets his actions deeply because he realizes my life would be so very different had he told me about his addiction up front. He realizes he trapped me with the signing the year lease... I only found out about his addiction a month into our lease, two weeks after we got a kitten together. I was devastated and shell shocked to say the least.

So please, do know that you are essentially taking away her decisions when you hide things like addictions, affairs, financial things, etc. Healthy relationships are built on honesty and trust.... not lies and addiction.

I wish you luck in your journey, again if you need help telling her, I can help if you want.

 

Salvo, are you familiar with the concept of pennance or the examination of conscience?

I would take your time in really looking at everything, especially if its feeling difficult. This is not a license to stall recovery either.

While disclosure will be important, a solid foundation of what is wrong, asking for forgiveness (not expecting it) and the goals to act on them will be really key. Of course this will depend on whether or not you mean it in your heart.

 

I absolutely agree with everything everyone has said so far. I just wish that I had been given the same advice that you are being offered.

I know that it is an incredibly difficult subject to get into, especially with your SO, but she is the main person you should be talking to about it.

If I had disclosed everything and found this site years ago, I would be in a much different, much better place today. Now, my wife trusts very little that I say and do, and we have more stress in our relationship than we have ever had.

Please listen to these guys, and definitely take @AnonymousAnnaXOXO up on her offer, I can't stress enough how much better the outcome will be.

All the best!

 

And remember, even though it is hard to bring up and discuss with your wife. She knows something is wrong and I guarantee at thimes she is blaming herself. That isn't fair to her. I only wish I had recognized what I was doing sooner. She would not have had to carry those feelings so long.

 

I've been watching this thread for awhile now and finally decided to weigh in here. Salvo, I just can't get behind your reasoning here. I think if you look deep, DEEP down, you'll probably find that the reason you haven't told her about it yet is more selfish than not. You have several seriously profound and awesome comments from people here who to me truly seem to know exactly what they're talking about. And even if I didn't think that, look at the overwhelming percentage of people telling you to disclose everything to her versus those agreeing with your silence. And the most profound comment of all on here (to me) is when @TheMightyQuinn said that it will be better for you to tell her than for her to find out on her own, and trust me when I say that these things will surface eventually. They always do, my friend.