I will get over this once and for all

I'm working towards day 17. No pmo at all. Been a few days with no urges. Loving reading, learning the guitar, watching a cool you tune video about in the moment meditation. Amazing. Blew my mind. Look it up its eckhart tolle. And try it. Helps stop thinking. Can help break the cycle. Another took at my disposal.
Stay strong

 

Well off to a good start once again. A little walk around the yard with the dogs. A really hearty breakfast. Now time to read a little and practice my guitar. That will be my morning routine. This way if any urges or trouble arises I know what I can do. Itll change my mindset. Refocus me.
Yesterday when I got to work one of my team members noticed my change in attitude. She said I looked different, up on reflection I think reading and music played a difference In my day. So let's not break a beautiful thing.
I'll keep you posted how it turns out
Stay strong

 

Thank you kaia..I think that is a great idea to try. Ask the universe to help you in any way possible.

 

We work together and most days we get along great. I need to do more. I need to stop going back to old patterns. Some it's like glue, lying fir example. Not my best . I have to think and stop reacting quickly. Not that I want to manipulate what I'm trying to say, more like ok let's think this through before I say something I'll regret. That has been 1 huge downfall. I will ask if couples counseling so we can figure things out as a pair. We can surmount a lot of things together. I'm also learning g a lot about me right now and I'm not liking it at all. I have to make the changes reading us helping but I have to put it in practice. Fast.
Thank you for your advice.

 

All I have to say is reading the book the road less traveled by dr peck is eye opening. The way he explains stuff is easy to understand, it really made a lot of sense when he talked about procrastination, how to start doing stuff we dont like first, then move on to stuff we like to do. Makes the day way more enjoyable and if I can start doing that I wont procrastinate as much. Again more tools that I can put in place so I can fix our marriagestay strong

 

Alright. I've been doing a lot of looking at me lately. I realized something that among a lot of things I need to change, is that whenever an issue comes up or I'm being challenged for whatever reason, I feel this "wet blanket" kinda feeling covering me, I feel suffocated and blurt out whatever is the quickest thing out of my mouth. A lie 90 percent of the time, I think it probably stems from growing up with my family. But I have to find a way to stop that. It's not good for anything. I found the 5 second rule from mel Robbins today and next time it happens I will put it into place.
It's a weird feeling and I can feel it climbing all over me and clinging, feel like I cant breathe. I'm sure it happens to a lot of people and most people are more mature in dealing with this than I have been in the past.
Stay strong.

 

I have not as of yet but soon to look him up. Thanks for sharing

 

Omg. What an inspiration. A beast.

 

Holy hell. This is frustrating. Nothing major but I've been trying to learn the guitar, and guess what I broke another freaking string. Everytime I am trying to tune it I mess up. It's not the end of the world, it's not a big deal, its frustrating. At least I'm trying to learn something. I'm not giving up. Glad I bought another set the other day, had a feeling I would have some difficulty with it. Another day. Another glitch, but this should be easy to fix.
I turned on the tv for the first time this week and I feel like it doesn't have the same pull on me as before. Usually on my day off all I wanted was to sit and either play the ps4 or watch tv. I've been up 4 hours, got bored with the ps4 . Weird how things change, I think for the better. After watching the you tube last night of David goggins I want to be driven like this man.
Ive started doing a little research last night about another business that has me intrigued. Not for now but for the future. A whiskey distillery with a tasting room and a bbq joint. I know it's way ahead in the future but with all the reading on how to get over pmo, I'm trying to keep busy and not fall back on old patterns. So a lot of reading. Guitar lessons and practice. Why not find out how to make a great whiskey, how to properly set it up. Have fun looking at decors and make it truly special. Something this area has never seen before. It's a dream, but nothing wrong with that. We have a great business, but an empire sounds better.

 

I've been the biggest jerk on the planet. I hurt my wife to the deepest core possible. I own that. It is my fault. I need her to heal. I want her whole again. She is the world to me and I messed it up. Not her. Not who she is, she is perfect. But I never saw her fully or completely. I never protected her, that's my job. I'm not suppose to hurt her. What is wrong with me. Why didnt I do the work I was suppose to do from the get go. Procastinating is my forte. I'm trying to rid myself of that. And lying. And all the sick stuff I put her through. I ordered dr Weiss helping her heal video and his clean workbook. When it arrives I would love to sit with her to watch it. If shes not ready I understand. But I need her in my life. I've never loved anyone like her. I need to get better. I want to get better. I will get better. I've played the victim card without wanting to but I realize that I have, we are not victims. We made the choices to do what we did. We listened to the wrong voice on our shoulder. I'm quashing that little b@st@rd. Flicking him off my shoulder. I will listen to my gut. Evaluate what its saying. And then make an informed decision.
Stay strong. During calm days and dark and stormy days. Stay the course, work hard, breathe. We can all do this.
I love this community for the help and support. Thank you for your help.

 

Alright. Watched dr weiss tonight. He gave me so much clarity. I am amazed and very gung ho to get clean. Talking about emotions. I had zero clues on emotions. Just dumb. Never thought at my age I would understand some emotions or a recollections of some of them.
But doing one exercise really hit home.
Remembering before you were 18 what was my first time that I felt calm. Wow. I had no idea. Cant think of anything still 1 hour later. I really have to open that channel up.
It's a journey of discovery, I am even more committed. Inspired today is a good feeling.
Stay strong.

 

Alright. I know I'm still not cured. It's a lifelong journey to accomplish. But with dr weiss. NoFap. Good you tube videos that are motivating. Trying to meditate. I feel like a whole different person. I feel alive for the first time in my life. I'm not watching endless tv like I did before. I'm feeding my soul that has been starving for 40 + years. I'm not completly exhausted at work. I'm not snappy with our team. I'm finally on the god damn train track of recovery. I know it wont be rosy or easy. But I'm happy. I want this so bad. As much as I wanted a puppy when I was a child. If you know what i mean. I can feel it, taste it and even touch it. I will eradicate it. No more lusting. No more anything outside my marriage. Only my wife. My mission is to find a way to open all my closed doors in my brain. Let all that I have protected, lied for, it's time for a brain dump. I need yo evict the crap that is not needed and make room for the things I'm learning.
Stay strong, dont quit.

 

Better sleep patterns. Better work hours. Haven't had any urges in a long time. I'm loving that. I'm not falling for any of the old tricks. Staying away from tv as much as possible. And when I do I'm keeping it as clean as it is humanly possible. I'm not looking to watch something that I k ow will trigger. I'm never going to be that person. I know it's still early and I'm still gung ho. But believe me, being able to use my brain for once in my life, why would I go back to that bullshit. I k ow I have a ton of shit I still have to learn and do better. But damn it I'm trying and will do better each day. I am happy to be on this road. I should of been able to do it 7 years ago, but I was too weak to handle the bumps in the road. Now I feel better qualified to drive it. I'm not perfect, but I want this. I want to thank everyone who has or still is helping me in my recovery. I feel good about myself, something I have never been able to say ever before. It's sad but it's TRUE. But I have to love myself so others can love me. I cant ne mr nice guy when I know I'm a dick. I want to be real, to be imperfect in this crazy world. I can and I will get over this. I am positive and my support and love of others will get me through this.
Stay strong

 

Just a little shout out, it's been 30 days clean and I feel like a new man.
Staying strong.