I wanted a new chest freezer. But as it turns out... my husband is kind of addicted to porn...

Wow. So sorry that happened to you! Glad you're out here, though!

 

Thank you for posting your story. I'm sorry for your heartache. As a man, you can get desensitised and callous... I don't want to be that way, somehow you just assume that the women in your life would just be okay with it because everyone does it.

Please understand this is bigger than even porn itself, it's addiction... that is the issue. If you're in it, be his teammate and ally, not his coach, trainer or drill sargent. At the same time, your self worth is of extreme value, as further proven by your willingness to live up to your vow even when your husband has severely let you down... it shows your character. You don't deserve this and you shouldn't be aiming to compete with it... porn and romance are two different galaxies... don't compare them. You're a real, tangible woman capable of giving real love... how beautiful.

But please remember this is a beast you're up against. It's more that just will power that's needed, it's understanding and self-control through sorting out what is really at the root of the problem. And if you need to vent, vent here... only show him your anger when appropriate, but patience will be needed because this is not a problem that dies overnight.

All the best to you.

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through, but it's good that you are here. By his lying, he's lost your trust - and that is going to take time to rebuild. From the sounds of it, trust has been an issue from early on, when he was still in contact with his ex's.

Wishing you both strength and compassion to work through this.

 

Sorry @HisWife

Can I make a suggestion? And much of this suggestion depends on where you're still at in your relationship with him... but it will be hard to address your emotions and how he's mistreated you at this juncture... if your focus is him, tell him he has immunity to be completely honest... let him get it all out, and then you will decide if/how you can support him.

One of the most important steps in recovery is honesty, and having a place to be honest with this is a goldmine. If he continues to lie then you know he's not serious, but perhaps this is really the beginning of his journey.

But don't think you'll have to swallow down your feelings forever. At the right time, explain your hurt, perhaps even have him read a journal that you're keeping each day... he does need to understand how you've been hurt too, but it will be hard to properly explain this at this point, I believe.

Again, all the best to you!

 

Hi HisWife person,

I've been in exactly the same position as your husband has been in - essentially addicted to porn and masturbation for decades, but married 10 years and absolutely love my wife. I'd like to share a couple of things with you:

1. He's most likely been utterly revulsed by his shameful, secret habit, trying unsuccessfully to break it for years. It's power really is in its secrecy. So, the fact that you now know has empowered him tremendously, in my view.

2. He probably thought meeting and marrying you would be the catalyst he needed to kick the habit. I did. The reality for me was it died down a lot during courtship and early marriage, but with the pressures of married life flared right back up. What I'm trying to say, is that standing at the alter I genuinely believed this habit was behind me.

3. He needs to join this community, and you probably need to exit this community. I still haven't told my wife about my secret. I should, but I can't. But in this community I've finally found a bunch of people I could talk to, become empowered with addiction info, and it honestly has been something of a salvation for me. Ive been 'clean' now for 42 days, and plan to never ever go back. So, while I realize you've needed support and perspective from this community, I reckon your best chance of real, lasting life change is for him to engage here and come to see his addiction for what it is - an actual, medical addiction that he's going to have to learn to manage for the rest of his life. Anecdotally, I plan to be around this community long term, because I know I have this proclivity to addiction and I need to hear other people's stories and encourage their journeys to keep myself constantly aware of the living horror it is to be enslaved in this way.

If he's open to joining, most guys here will be happy to talk with him, and encourage him to face up to his true condition and begin a journey of recovery. It starts with wanting it enough though - and that's what we'll be able to discern better than you or a counsellor; because we're recovering addicts ourselves.

Please don't give up on him - im trusting that a year from now your marriage will be stronger than ever.

Godspeed
Steve

 

There is a couple (both husband & wife) who are both on here - Shady1 & Shady2. Their "Shady Story" is in the 40+ forum, and might be helpful in dealing with your situation.

Peace...

 

I heartily, but respectfully, disagree that she should leave the community. There are tons of support threads here for the partners of those struggling with this.

 

What I'm saying is that he should feel the liberty to post whatever he likes here, and may feel inhibited if his wife is reading everything. You're welcome to disagree, just my perspective!

I'm certainly not saying she's not welcome, just saying if I was in her position I would see wisdom in making this community primarily for his recovery.

 

The lying= the shame
I lied to my wife a lot, but she knew. Those towelets or tissue boxes, you know.. the many hours in front of the computer...

Its a hard addiction to deal with, for most, its a new addiction; I mean its an "unsuspected" addiction.
Me and my wife love each other much more since we came out clean and talked.
Let the man a chance. If he keeps lying after all that, that is something else. but trust me, its shameful to be stuck with porn addiction.

please browse this site to get some scientifical data:
http://yourbrainonporn.com/

good luck ,you deserve a good life!

 

While I agree with much of this post, and even this sentiment above, sometimes lying is a way of keeping it hidden to keep enjoying your secret life... So I wouldn't make a blanket statement and say that all lying is shame related, but I think most of us would agree that it was for us. Then again, we want to recover.

 

I agree. Without this community and its support, I would have never been able to make it through any of this. There are no good feelings, about learning of the problems, trying to come to terms with it,
or own feelings of betrayal and inadequacy, decisions... the last thing thing we need to feel is alone.

 

Yup, I totally relate to this...

I lied to my wife for years. For me it was totally shameful. Masturbation was something you get teased about as a teenager, your family and everyone just says is gross, you can't talk about it, there is so much shame in it. Porn then naturally becomes part of that - its all part of the same vein. The secrets grow up, get worse. You get more and more ashamed. How do you tell the person you love about this thing that you do and are so ashamed of? Also have it potentially ruin your relationship with the woman you love? The stakes are so high!!

After years I came clean with my wife but only because she knew there was something I wasn't being honest about, unfortunately I had a catalyst but chose to take it... she didn't know what it was, but I did. I told her everything, but even that took a few sessions to get it all out. Hasn't worked out great for our relationship so far (only been about 2 months) but personally its one of the most liberating things that has ever happened to me... and talking with people on here, people that do understand and don't judge. Opening up and talking about it is so empowering and I can now talk about it completely openly with my wife, the shame is subsiding... I can let her into everything, no walls, no secrets... the dirtiest and most shameful thing I had is now out there and I don't have to hide anymore.

Its the same issue with her though... the lies, the betrayal. Its hard, but seriously, to carry around such a big secret for so long is crushing, destroys your intimacy and trust and you are constantly having to cover it up which is exhausting. If he has come clean with lots of it (even it he hasn't come clean with all of it yet) being able to get involved with people, here, that won't judge him and will actually support him is just incredible and should help to open him up to everything that has been going on, regardless of the consequences. Maybe there will come a point if he is able to do that you may then know what he says is the truth and you can go from there?

That being said, I was told about NoFap a year prior to coming here and I thought it was extreme... it wasn't really until I was ready that I could actually engage with the process and the openness properly. You can't force him else it just won't work, it does need to be something he wants to do.

 

HisWife,

Thanks for sharing your struggle here. I think it's so important to hear from the partners involved, those who suffer in the aftermath of the carnage our addiction has left behind.

I agree with 'IkindaKnew' that, at least for me, lying really did equal shame. It remained that way until deception was an exhausting life strategy and I confessed all to my wife. Each revelation was excruciatingly difficult to lay bare. Each time, I thought: "THIS one, this is the one which will make her leave." She didn't and she has been a godsend. I talk to her all the time about this, especially when I'm tempted or feeling moody/irritable because I can feel my skin crawl or my mind scream at me because I still need it on some level. But it passes and I talk to her through it because she made it very clear early on that I had a safe space to do so. I also made it clear that I took nothing for granted, that I accepted while she was handling it very well right now, there may come a time when anger, loss, betrayal or some other emotion becomes the dominant color of the recovery paradigm and we'd cross that bridge together when we came to it. I needed to accept early on that she was entitled to her difficult days too and that when she couldn't/can't support me, I need to be a little bit stronger myself. However, knowing that she would stick around no matter what, was affirmation on a scale that I can barely describe. It was like new life and it took a massive amount of power out of the addiction. I knew that being open was so much more powerful than lying, that honesty was a good way to pave a road forward and her unconditional love was a crucial part to my recovery. She's a great woman and I'm lucky to have her.

You seem like a very decent woman as well and I believe your husband is beyond blessed that you're sticking with him. He needs to do his part though. Just make it clear that he has that safe space to talk to you and be vulnerable. It's difficult to accurately describe the immense level of shame and disgust which comes with this.

Regards,
Jake

 

It's true that lying can be fueled by shame, and it's also true that lying can be a way to keep the addiction secret so it can continue.

But there's also a possibility that the lying also comes from a place of love. Don't get me wrong--it's still the wrong decision and it still makes things worse--but it's possible that your husband lied about his behavior because he loves you, hates the idea of hurting you, and doesn't want to lose you. I say this from experience, because I've lied to my wife several times for the same reason (and while well-intentioned, I admit it has never worked out well).

The reality is that his lies are probably some mix of all three of those things. But try not to instantly judge every lie as an act of nefarious betrayal. Obviously I don't know your husband, but there may be more noble motives behind his lies, even if they aren't very smart ones.

 

Maybe we should all just club in on a new chest freezer for her?

 

I haven't been on here for a long time. There's a lot to process when you find out stuff like what you found out. I just want to let you know that a lot of people here understand how you're feeling, and it's normal to feel betrayed when someone lies to you. I don't have big advice really. My husband and I are working through a lot of issues with our marriage that we didn't realize were there until he found this website and told me about it and about his struggle. He expected me to be happy that he'd finally found something that helped, but I was shocked and betrayed that his habit was as extensive as it was. And, really, I felt incredibly sad that all these years I'd been thinking that if I could just be the right kind of wife he would love me more. Then I found out that porn was the real reason he was distant, and I just didn't know how to deal with it. So you're not alone!

 

I am not an expert of being in your situation.
But I am a guy. So since you posted I wanted to suggest something that I have been thinking about for a while.

Your husband lied to you about many details, nothing against you, he's probably lying to himself too. I know I did.

By the way, I am in a LTR, not married but... and my girlfriend doesn't know about my Porn addiction.

I suggest you stop asking your husband for the truth, if you think about it, when you're asking for the truth, for details, you're asking about the past. Well, the past is not as important as the future, is it? And that is the main issue.
In my case, I have been battling ED for over a year, I have tried them all, nothing worked on a repeatable basis, and during that year + I came across PIED, and each and every time I would say "Nope, not me". I was lying to myself.

Then on 7/12/2016 I realized I was addicted to Porn. On my own. It was painful and a relief at the same time. And I am pretty sure that if my girlfriend had found out and confronted me I would have lied to her, justify it and rationalize it to myself, and not embracing NoFap seriously.

And that's the point of my comment: has your husband embraced NoFap? Is he serious about it?
You are in here, I am sure you have read enough. Has he?

I would suggest you talk to you, not a 2-way conversation, just ask to be heard: 1-way, from you to him. Tell him that you've done your research and you are concerned about what you have found, and suggest that he himself do his own research. Do tell him that the PMO banwagon sooner or later will lead to something called PIED, and yes you mean to scare him, because that scares you too, since you love him.

Personally I find this video wonderful brief and to the point, as well as the book "Your Brain On Porn" (I have the book) and the web site, as well as NoFap.com.

He doesn't need much more.

Give him some time, a few days, don't make it sound as a deadline but then ask him to talk to you after his initial research, to tell you what his plan for the future is.

If he decide to go the NoFap route, you know that he's going to have relapses, we all are.
So don't ask any details so that he won't have to lie to you; as long as he's on the program and he means it, the two of you have a positive future to look forward to.

Just my comment, I wrote this as much for you as I wrote it for me, writing about my addiction helps me.

Best of luck!

 

When I revealed my addiction to my partner she was horrified and so angry with me...it was the lies and deceit for so many years and also she had problems with this in the past with other boyfriends.

It was so hard to tell her but the addiction was destroying our relationship so I had to come clean. From my part there has been so much pain , shame and suffering from my porn & masturbation addiction. After 4 months its still a tricky subject to discuss with her....she has her own triggers and self worth issues she is trying to work through. I try to be totally up front but I still withhold things ...she wants to know what type if porn I used to look at on the Internet . Each time she brings this up we end up not talking for days as she feels insecure. This just adds to my stress and pushes me closer to relapse.

So its a tricky situation where each person has to work through their own stuff. I wish my partner was more supportive but I know she is struggling with it all. I wish she would come to a forum like this.