I want to stop thinking about girls but I feel so lonely.

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by robesho, Jul 16, 2019.

  1. robesho

    robesho Fapstronaut

    Hi, I don't Natively speak English and I don't write often but please don't skip. I need advice.

    I just turned 19 yesterday, I'm still in school for a good 2 years finishing my 12th grade. (Had to drop out due to severe depression when I was around 15yo-16yo. Last year I saw all my friends graduate, I was happy for them but I won't lie it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to face in life. While in high school most of them went to parties, lost their V card, got girlfriends, made a bunch of new friends, etc...

    One of my friends currently lives at my house for the summer (until he goes back to uni in August) and just about 30 minutes ago, he left to go to the circus/festival with his girlfriend and it just struck me like a knife in the heart. The fact that I've never had moments like these in my teenage life and never will... I've spent most of it wanting to kill myself, crying in the middle of the night.

    When I look back, I now realize how much of a pussy I was. How small my problems were, I just didn't want to face them. Long story short, I am now 19 and I haven't approached a girl since I was 13 maybe, I don't even remember the last time tbh smh... My problem is that I don't think anyone can take me seriously because I'm 19 and still finishing my HS grades. I feel like like I couldn't be in control of any relationship with any girl. My second issue is meeting girls... I live in a very small town where there are no events, most clubs are filled with older people and I have a very small circle of friends (since I didn't go to high school) so I never get invited to parties. The worst about not getting invited to parties is that fact that I'm not left out because I'm weird or awkward, It's just because no one really knows me... and to add up all my "close friends" were really "popular/the cool kids" in HS so it's not like the parties/girls around them were rare you know.

    My current plan is to try to keep girls and sex out of my head until I'm done with high school and I am ready to move out. I feel like I have so much to give besides my education situation. Since my depression, I've gone to the gym, picked up coding, photography, video editing and learned English (still in progress). I don't know how to explain myself but I feel like everyone ("even my closest friends") besides my family don't know the "new" me and I don't know how to put myself back out there.

    Transformation: Before below, Now above
    [​IMG]
    I am a completely different person than I was before, mentally and physically.
    But when I'm hanging with a friend, for some reason I feel like have to keep the new me to myself I act like the shy/anxious dude I was because no one knows me to be outgoing and happy and it would be weird if all the sudden I was.

    Like I said earlier, my current plan is to try to keep girls and sex out of my head to focus on myself until I out of HS but I not sure if that's the best move. Sometimes I feel like I don't know why I seek self-development so much, maybe it's because I'm trying to overcompensate for my high school years where everyone was making friends and girlfriends. What's the point of feeling great if no ones there to connect and appreciate it with you you know...? What do you think about my story?

    Thanks for reading!
    Sorry if my English is broken some places and it felt a bit ranty (because it was) but please give me some advice/opinions, it would be appreciated. I feel completely lost at times.
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2019
    Paradise_07, Sir Minato and FX-05 like this.
  2. FenixGenesis12

    FenixGenesis12 Fapstronaut

    27
    26
    13
    Look bro you are doing well. First congratulations for overcoming your depression and for working on yourself to be the best version of yourself. Look your awkwardness or shyness is something that you can overcome by practicing, I can recommend you to read the book “How to win friends and Influence people” this book will give you guidance in how to make actual good deep connections with people. I can’t tell you one principle from this book that I’ll always remember, How u ever wonder how can You be interesting to other people, what should You say, what should You do? Well, if you want to become interesting to other people, first you must become interested in them, encourage them to talk about themselves, ask how their day is going, and listen to them, but show interest in them genuinely do not fake it, people love to talk about themselves there are probably millions of children dying of hunger in the world but guess what for a person for instance his toothache is more relevant than children starving in the world. And this principle works very well for me because I am an introvert person so I am not much of a talker but I have great friends because I learned to truly listen to them and made their stories interesting to me. This is just on of the principles from the book I highly encourage you to read it.
    Second, your friends must be able to accept that you have changed, you cannot keep being somebody that you were in the past, that means if you are more confident, more outgoing so be it, be proud of yourself, if they seem shock just tell them I enjoy life more than I used to before and if they like you they should accept that new change in your personality, it is not like you have become an annoying arrogant moron that your friends now would want to avoid, right? If they do not accept that new better version of yourself then it is time to find new friends, friends that are really happy for your success and improvements.
    Third, never ever feel sorry for yourself, wherever you did in the past, is in the past dude ok you cannot change that is gone, just accept that. So do not feel inferior because you have not finished high school or this or that, or my friends did this or that and I have not done that just stop that ok. Another principle you must embrace is never compare yourself with others, because you will be miserable forever, you must remember no matter how good or miserable you think your life is, there would be always people who have even a better life than you have or a worst one. Therefore, only focus on your happiness, that’s it.
    Finally, I can tell you something from my own experience, sometimes we want to be like this perfect version of ourselves, and we postpone our good desires and goals (for instance if you want to have a girlfriend, that’s a good normal, goal) because you may think, I am not ready, I am not good enough and all that mental trash inside you. Look I do not know you, but I am very sure you are not a killer, or a rapist, or a drug trafficant or something really mess up like those examples; that would make you a bad person. You are a normal good guy, with insecurities like everybody else and some social anxiety, big deal, damn that makes you a bad person ;) helllll no, of course it does not make you a bad person, if makes you a normal person capable of receiving and giving love. So my advice to you is if you have the chance to meet a girl do it, do not wait, gain experience, enjoy your life you are 19, just respect the girl you meet that’s it. Another advice, I can tell you is (I do not know if you have had a girlfriend before) your first girlfriend does not have to be like oh she has to be perfect, she has to be my soulmate and all that stuff ok, you still young just try to find someone that you like and that’s it but remember always respect your girlfriends, do not cheat on them, and treat them good.
    Ok I know it is a long reply, but I just do not think is fair that a young kid full of life and opportunities should be tormenting too much over stuff (I’m not saying your issues are not important, I know we all have our own fears to conquer ok) Keeo working out, keep studying and practice your social skills.
    Good luck and blessing on your journey!!!
     
    Sir Minato and Just need to stop like this.
  3. FenixGenesis12

    FenixGenesis12 Fapstronaut

    27
    26
    13
    Look bro you are doing well. First congratulations for overcoming your depression and for working on yourself to be the best version of yourself. Look your awkwardness or shyness is something that you can overcome by practicing, I can recommend you to read the book “How to win friends and Influence people” this book will give you guidance in how to make actual good deep connections with people. I can’t tell you one principle from this book that I’ll always remember, How u ever wonder how can You be interesting to other people, what should You say, what should You do? Well, if you want to become interesting to other people, first you must become interested in them, encourage them to talk about themselves, ask how their day is going, and listen to them, but show interest in them genuinely do not fake it, people love to talk about themselves there are probably millions of children dying of hunger in the world but guess what for a person for instance his toothache is more relevant than children starving in the world. And this principle works very well for me because I am an introvert person so I am not much of a talker but I have great friends because I learned to truly listen to them and made their stories interesting to me. This is just on of the principles from the book I highly encourage you to read it.
    Second, your friends must be able to accept that you have changed, you cannot keep being somebody that you were in the past, that means if you are more confident, more outgoing so be it, be proud of yourself, if they seem shock just tell them I enjoy life more than I used to before and if they like you they should accept that new change in your personality, it is not like you have become an annoying arrogant moron that your friends now would want to avoid, right? If they do not accept that new better version of yourself then it is time to find new friends, friends that are really happy for your success and improvements.
    Third, never ever feel sorry for yourself, wherever you did in the past, is in the past dude ok you cannot change that is gone, just accept that. So do not feel inferior because you have not finished high school or this or that, or my friends did this or that and I have not done that just stop that ok. Another principle you must embrace is never compare yourself with others, because you will be miserable forever, you must remember no matter how good or miserable you think your life is, there would be always people who have even a better life than you have or a worst one. Therefore, only focus on your happiness, that’s it.
    Finally, I can tell you something from my own experience, sometimes we want to be like this perfect version of ourselves, and we postpone our good desires and goals (for instance if you want to have a girlfriend, that’s a good normal, goal) because you may think, I am not ready, I am not good enough and all that mental trash inside you. Look I do not know you, but I am very sure you are not a killer, or a rapist, or a drug trafficant or something really mess up like those examples; that would make you a bad person. You are a normal good guy, with insecurities like everybody else and some social anxiety, big deal, damn that makes you a bad person ;) helllll no, of course it does not make you a bad person, if makes you a normal person capable of receiving and giving love. So my advice to you is if you have the chance to meet a girl do it, do not wait, gain experience, enjoy your life you are 19, just respect the girl you meet that’s it. Another advice, I can tell you is (I do not know if you have had a girlfriend before) your first girlfriend does not have to be like oh she has to be perfect, she has to be my soulmate and all that stuff ok, you still young just try to find someone that you like and that’s it but remember always respect your girlfriends, do not cheat on them, and treat them good.
    Ok I know it is a long reply, but I just do not think is fair that a young kid full of life and opportunities should be tormenting too much over stuff (I’m not saying your issues are not important, I know we all have our own fears to conquer ok) Keeo working out, keep studying and practice your social skills.
    Good luck and blessing on your journey!!!
     
    robesho likes this.
  4. robesho

    robesho Fapstronaut

    Thank you for the reply! You just made my day a little easier :)
     
    Just need to stop likes this.
  5. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    First, happy freakin' birthday!

    Geez man, if I replace 19 with 37, I probably find more than half of myself in what you're writing! You truly show maturity in what you write, and I'd like to believe that overcoming your depression took a lot of self-reflection, which made you more mature than your peers. You have my esteem! And yes, I sometimes also cry during the night, because life's not easy and sometimes I also look for support.

    Looking at my life experience, the parties, the V-card, the girlfriends, all had been either dumb beliefs (so... I lost my virginity, now what?!) or wasted times or just blatant mistakes; I didn't take care of the person that matters most: myself. I think going through depression develops you as a human way better than any party and any girlfriend or any other friend for that matter. Though I don't recommend to anyone to seek developing depression!

    Genuinely, similar to what @FenixGenesis12 writes, you're doing well, you're on the right track! Coding and photography are also my hobbies and these are the type of hobbies that keep you in flow, concentrated, in trance. Your physique is showing that you are healthy (and it kind of gives me now a kick in the butt, because I look pretty much like your "before" - not bad, but surely needs improvement). I recently learnt to ride a bicycle (at 37!) and, since it's summer, many times I go out and enjoy a ride in the forest.

    In your case, it's likely that at any age you'll find it difficult to connect with people your age. I've been going through depressions (though a severe one only in the last few months) since my childhood, and I always find that I connected far better with people either much older than me or much younger than me, extremely rare with people within my age group. Most of my current close connections are over 45 or under 30. I have only one person around 35 that I talk with openly, mainly because she's also a bit more mature than her age, went through a lot of stuff. I've had last year a super intense, beautiful and close friendship with a girl 9 years younger than me (sadly it ended with two broken hearts). My last girlfriend was (still is?) 9 years older than me and we spent 5 years together - last one together was dreadful, though.

    Ok, my point basically is that when you'll be 30 or 40, you'll look back at your life and you'll remember what mattered most. I personally regret going to parties and getting pissed drunk. I don't even remember what I felt when I lost my virginity, but I remember that neither me nor the girl were too impressed; I guess we both expected fireworks or a pat on the back from... someone? I regret not being a bit more involved into learning philosophy and psychology, I regret rushing through things in general in life, because it was the easy thing to do; I'm paying for those now. By the looks of it, you're paying for them earlier in your life and you'll very likely feel much more content with yourself and who you are in a few years time. But now, yeah, I can imagine it's a bit... uncomfortable.

    You're English is great; be proud of your skill! And you gain extra points for using commas.
     
    Sir Minato and robesho like this.
  6. NewGeorge

    NewGeorge Fapstronaut

    44
    44
    18
    Hold up dude, things are not so hard as they seem.
    I'm 19 as well, just finished high-school and I gotta say those were some shitty years. Depression, anxiety, stress, loneliness you name it. I rarely went to parties and I never had a GF, nor have I kissed a girl. Gotta say directly I made many mistakes, therefore it sucked.
    However now I'm at a point in my life so great I can't describe. I'm looking down with a lot of regret on my teenager years, however the following 20's seem extremely optimistic. I am no longer making the mistakes I once used to do, and neither are you.
    Yes people like you and me did not have the best high-school experience, however I look at my classmates and I see a bunch of grown-up people with the mentality of little kids. Their 20's are gonna get fucked, since almost not a single one of them can study, work or do anything properly, responsibility is a term they have to learn on the harshest way possible.
    Judging by your gym progress and good hobbies choices(and the fact that you are on NoFap as well), I can assume that you are a disciplined and hard-working guy, with good moral values and interests.
    Trust me, if the new you is a great person, and I guess it is, those people shouldn't give a fuck about your radical change. You should expect them to be happy for you (and if they're not you are better off without them). And if you're afraid of what they think, remember that one should never take in consideration every single person, cause opinions vary, no matter how perfect or imperfect you are and by giving them all attention you won't find peace of mind. Find yourself few, but trustful friends, whose opinion and advice is worth consulting, try to create meaningful connection with few at first and get rid of those who seem ignorant or not supportive of your evolution, because after all, your first interest should be your own person, not the others, in not a single case.

    Also, KEEP THE STREAK going!
     
    Sir Minato, properWood and robesho like this.
  7. robesho

    robesho Fapstronaut

    Thank you all for the kind words, I guess I'm not as alone as a thought and it is true that I would not be the person I am today without all those obstacles in my life. A look at it from another perspective was just what I needed I guess. :)
     
    Sir Minato likes this.
  8. Selix

    Selix Fapstronaut

    43
    66
    18
    how did you do that?

    teach me

    well loneliness takes part in the journey, sometimes I also felt it would tear me apart but thats how withdrawl symptoms work

    when you'll get out of them you'll develope a " I dont give a shit" attitude towards everything

    and please give no effort or energy to self-pity and focus on the journey ahead

    trust me, if you stick your mind to reach day 90 you are almost there
     
    robesho likes this.
  9. robesho

    robesho Fapstronaut

    @Selix Teach me how to get a 300+ streak and I’ll teach you lol

    Jokes aside, I just started off eating better little by little, then once I was a little thinner I started running (started with some very slow 3k). I then started going to the gym to build my 5’6 frame a little more. I still hated going to the gym and I stopped going last month(Still do some HIIT workouts at home tho) but I really need to go back. I can feel the gains melting lol

    Progress can feel extremely slow but it’s happening trust me.
    I started off running some ~20 min 3k and last month I ran 2 half-marathon distances in under 2 hours each.

    Eating right is the key tho. I’d recommend to cook meals for a whole week and freeze them since It’s way more doable than cooking a healthy meal for every lunch and dinner. Frozen chicken kinda tastes like shit but you get used to it.
     

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