Hi, I don't Natively speak English and I don't write often but please don't skip. I need advice. I just turned 19 yesterday, I'm still in school for a good 2 years finishing my 12th grade. (Had to drop out due to severe depression when I was around 15yo-16yo. Last year I saw all my friends graduate, I was happy for them but I won't lie it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to face in life. While in high school most of them went to parties, lost their V card, got girlfriends, made a bunch of new friends, etc... One of my friends currently lives at my house for the summer (until he goes back to uni in August) and just about 30 minutes ago, he left to go to the circus/festival with his girlfriend and it just struck me like a knife in the heart. The fact that I've never had moments like these in my teenage life and never will... I've spent most of it wanting to kill myself, crying in the middle of the night. When I look back, I now realize how much of a pussy I was. How small my problems were, I just didn't want to face them. Long story short, I am now 19 and I haven't approached a girl since I was 13 maybe, I don't even remember the last time tbh smh... My problem is that I don't think anyone can take me seriously because I'm 19 and still finishing my HS grades. I feel like like I couldn't be in control of any relationship with any girl. My second issue is meeting girls... I live in a very small town where there are no events, most clubs are filled with older people and I have a very small circle of friends (since I didn't go to high school) so I never get invited to parties. The worst about not getting invited to parties is that fact that I'm not left out because I'm weird or awkward, It's just because no one really knows me... and to add up all my "close friends" were really "popular/the cool kids" in HS so it's not like the parties/girls around them were rare you know. My current plan is to try to keep girls and sex out of my head until I'm done with high school and I am ready to move out. I feel like I have so much to give besides my education situation. Since my depression, I've gone to the gym, picked up coding, photography, video editing and learned English (still in progress). I don't know how to explain myself but I feel like everyone ("even my closest friends") besides my family don't know the "new" me and I don't know how to put myself back out there. Transformation: Before below, Now above I am a completely different person than I was before, mentally and physically. But when I'm hanging with a friend, for some reason I feel like have to keep the new me to myself I act like the shy/anxious dude I was because no one knows me to be outgoing and happy and it would be weird if all the sudden I was. Like I said earlier, my current plan is to try to keep girls and sex out of my head to focus on myself until I out of HS but I not sure if that's the best move. Sometimes I feel like I don't know why I seek self-development so much, maybe it's because I'm trying to overcompensate for my high school years where everyone was making friends and girlfriends. What's the point of feeling great if no ones there to connect and appreciate it with you you know...? What do you think about my story? Thanks for reading! Sorry if my English is broken some places and it felt a bit ranty (because it was) but please give me some advice/opinions, it would be appreciated. I feel completely lost at times.