I want to ask out this girl

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by sten14, Feb 9, 2019.

  1. sten14

    sten14 Fapstronaut

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    So I thought I would give an update for those playing along at home.

    I have been into the cafe a few more time since, and every time I have visited her and I have always spoken. She still goes out of her way to come and talk to me, ask what I have been up to, am doing the rest of the day etc. Lets me know when she is working next and sometimes asks when I will be in next as well.

    Anyway. Nothing really came of the whole me asking her to have coffee sometime, even though she said she would like to, so since a few weeks had passed by I decided to just write my number down and give it to her as I left one day. She smiled, said thanks, and didn't seem put off by me doing that. I told her no pressure and no hard feelings if she decided not to message. She never did. So yep. After that was a week since I saw her, and I went in for my usual hangout on my own, have coffee. She didn't see me arrive, but when she did notice I was there we both smiled at each other and she said hi, then delivered some items to a table near by and said "one sec" and then came back, again going out of her way, and stood and spoke to me for 5 min or so while on shift. We caught up about her weekend, she asked what I had been up to, so on and so forth and then went back to work. Nothing major.

    I spoke to her briefly again before I left to as I always go and say bye, and she was two tables or so down from me anyway cleaning up, so not really going out of my way. But yeah...really don't think anything is going to come of it.

    I asked her to have coffee, she said she'd like to. I asked for her number but she said she would give it to me next time I was in, never did. So I gave my number, no contact. But we still talk, and she goes out of her way to come speak with me and yeah. So I dunno anymore...
     
  2. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    Hey Stem,

    in the end, you are still a customer in a place where customer service is the key to people coming back. I wouldn't put to much emphasis on her after you have tried it. Just be nice, but i would also not talk to her as much anymore.
    As i previously stated, i personally would made one more attempt of walking up to her and specifically asking to meet her, giving her a timeframe of around 3-4 days and then go from there. If she actually likes you beyond being a customer, she will probably agree to the meeting, if not then you are just a customer to her. Maybe a nice customer to talk to, but not considered to be spend private time with.

    Gotta be fine with both outcomes, but you gotta ask her out directly, and not make it "some time". Make it specific to the week you are in.
     
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  3. sten14

    sten14 Fapstronaut

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    That is the thing, when I gave her my number last time I actually was more specific and said "When you have a day off over the next week or two, if you want to..." etc etc.

    And that is also the thing, you said "if she likes you more than a customer she will probably agree to the meeting", well that is why all of this is so confusing is that I DID ask her out for coffee and she DID AGREE. Just nothing came of it as she was hesitant to give me her number and said "next time" which, next time I was in there she didn't give it to me. Is why I gave her mine and left it up to her. Nothing else I could do.

    I actually think it is kinda rough to say yes to going out for coffee and then not following it up with a number or contacting me. Yes, people can change their mind. No debate. But leaving someone hanging, to me, seems harsh. I dunno. I will still go in there, I will still be nice and talk to her, and try not to come across dismissive or anything now.

    It really is up to her now, not me. I have done all I can.

    Maybe it is time to move on @SuperFurryThing but yeah...I dunno. All of this stuff I have to tread lightly with as it will screw up my mental state. If this doesn't pan out, I don't see me trying again for a long time. Last girl before cafe girl now was 2 years ago. Few and far between.
     
  4. It looks like you have a bit of oneitis for her. You think she's "the only one" so you keep trying with her and if she wanted to be with you, she would be with you by now. One problem is that she is doing a job, you are her customer, so there's a bit of a conflict there for her. She has to be polite to you because you are her customer, if she's not, then it might come back on her with her managers. Might I even suggest finding a new coffee shop? I think it's best to cut yourself off from her and find multiple other girls to focus on, whoever and wherever you may find them
     
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  5. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    That sounds like something a child would say.

    If you don't get what you want, you'll stop trying for a long time?

    Maybe that's why your mental state is so fragile and sensitive. Because you seek comfort and protect yourself from reality. How are you supposed to get any better or find someone that has mutual interest?

    If someone wanted to become a basketball player, they don't try to score a few times, miss once, give up, and then try again days / weeks / months / years later only to give another half assed effort.
     
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  6. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

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    I don't know how based in reality this situation is. So you got two booty calls you can have sex with at your whim but you seem gun shy about cafe girl and pursuing her. If you're Turbo Chad enough to have two gals as ready booty calls, why can't you be as expertly skilled with the cafe girl? This isn't making too much sense.
     
  7. sten14

    sten14 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah that seems like a total dick thing to say, not going to sugar coat it. What I mean by this is due to previous bad experiences in my life where I have put myself out there and tried with someone, I have ended up being used for a shoulder to lean on, car rides home, someone to take them out for them to enjoy me paying for things as they knew I was interested in them and when I worked up the courage to tell them I had feelings I got discarded. So, therefore, I tend to be more careful of how I approach things these days when it comes to females, and why I do protect myself a bit more. Has nothing to do with being "childish" or whatever. So perhaps that is WHY my mental state is a bit more fragile, which is due to previous bad life experiences. Sorry I am not as strong as you...

    It is quite simple. The reason I did have, no longer do now as it isn't for me, two girls I was able to have casual fun with is that is all it is. It isn't going anywhere, it is empty. There is no real effort going into building it into a relationship, or attempting to do so. The attraction is simply physical with a "booty call". With the girl at the cafe it is far more than that, Ia m interested in her for more than just sexual needs.

    So you question "how based in reality this situation is"? What are you getting at? That this thread is just for the fun of it? Not a real situation? If you think that, then there is no need for you to reply, as you're wasting your time. And I wouldn't waste peoples time with this thread if it was all fiction. This is very much a situation I am dealing with at the moment, I gain nothing from bullshit.
     
  8. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    I think you just made her out to be more then she apparently is.
    A girl going out of her way to be nice to you in the service industry sadly means nothing on its own. That "going out of her way" is only relevant if she agrees to a meet and she is like that in person as well.

    To me, this seems to be over. I would hope for you that she will contact you, but i have my doubts.
    I personally would move on
     
  9. sten14

    sten14 Fapstronaut

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    Made her out to be more than what to who? The people reading this or myself?

    For me all I ever made her out to be was perhaps someone that was interested, and actually showed a degree of interest. From there it was a matter of seeking advice. Yes, I understand in a customer focused industry that it is key to be nice to patrons, but there have been instances that have been noted whereby it appeared at face value as more than that when interacting with me. You can all have your doubts all you like, is no concern of mine. I am not holding my breath that anything will come of it between her an I, however, the last few responses here have been a bit unfair to claim I am being childish, or this is not grounded in reality or fictitious.

    I would say I have moved on to a degree. Will I still frequent that cafe - yes. It is my usual hangout. Will I still interact with her - yes. I will be polite and everything else. It is up to her if she wants to pursue anything now. I have put all my cards on the table.
     
  10. skibum71

    skibum71 Fapstronaut

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    I had a "situation" with a girl last year. It was the first time in - and this is really rather shocking - 8 years that i developed feelings for someone. You'd be well within your rights to flat out reject what I have to say, my dating experience, recently at least, is zero.
    Like you, initial contact/convos were positive. Invited her to hiking in the local woods which we did, so far so good. Subsequent contact, not so good. Offers from my side to meet up again were generally greeted with "Yes, id like that" yet when it came to it, she was doing something else. Never suggested an alternative time. Over a few months I gave her every opportunity there is to move things on, and like your situation, she has declined to take those opportunities. And you run through all the reasons why this might be, while somehow clinging to the idea it could still work out, "maybe she got hurt last time and shes just very careful" blah blah blah...
    Like your situation I had a girl say one thing, or things, yet her failure to accept any of my invitations proves that what a girl says, and what a girl actually thinks, feels, are two very different things. Weve both heard girls say things that clearly they did not mean, not in the slightest.
    Dude, i know its hard, but move on. Find another cafe, new experiences means new possibilities.
    What ive learned is to take anything a girl says with a huge pinch of salt. In these situations, actions speak louder than words.
    Good luck!
     
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  11. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the clarification sir.
     
  12. MonkeyDo

    MonkeyDo Fapstronaut

    Hey pal,

    You've lost your way.

    Re-center your focus on your immediate experience.

    What's in the past or the future isn't yours to experience, only now.

    If there is a girl with you now, enjoy her. When she leaves you now, enjoy yourself. If you feel you want to take her with you somewhere now, invite her. If you don't, don't. If she declines a date now, she declines now, not forever. If she doesn't give you her number now, she doesn't give it now, not forever.

    What matters is how you feel. Do you still feel you want to keep asking her out, even if you have already done it before? Then do it again. Keep doing it until you no longer feel you want to.

    Do you understand? In every moment do what you feel you want to do. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. All this thinking about it doesn't do you any good.
     
  13. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, if she's in the service industry, they work to earn good tips so I wouldn't take the being nice thing to really mean anything aside from earning a larger tip. Now if someone makes their intention known clearly that they're interested in something more than just friendship, she's got to respond in a clear and positive manner by her actions ie. meeting up for coffee somewhere or a first date.
     
  14. sten14

    sten14 Fapstronaut

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    Well, that is exactly how I am. It has been a long time since I have had a girlfriend as such, and it has been a few years since I had feelings like this towards someone. Simply because of previously bad experiences that hinder the desire to put myself out there in that way. I totally understand where you are coming from with taking everything that is said with a pinch of salt, I do. But that can be applied to male and female really. And yes, actions do speak louder than words. I personally find it unfair to say one thing and then not follow it up with action. Perhaps it is their way of protecting themselves. Who am I to say, and what do I know.

    That is an interesting take. However, if the number hasn't been given now, yes it doesn't mean it is forever and may not happen, but it isn't a good sign. And yes, I do want to ask her out again, pin-point it to asking her what day she has off next and saying okay let's get coffee on that day. But again, there is protection mechanisms in place to a point for myself as well now.

    Different in Australia, don't work for tips. So she isn't being nice/friendly/chatty with me because of seeking extra tips. And like I have said, one would think there has been a response by agreeing to have coffee with me, as I did ask and she said yes. However, as has been said also, while she agreed to that, no action (yet or perhaps ever) so it kind of becomes a dead point.
     
  15. skibum71

    skibum71 Fapstronaut

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    You clearly would like this coffee date to take place, do you really think it will happen sooner or later?
     
  16. sten14

    sten14 Fapstronaut

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    To be perfectly honest, I don't think it will happen. It is one thing for her to say "yeah I would like that" as she did when I asked her, but to not allow me her phone number or message me when I gave her mine, just makes it seem rather unlikely. I might be wrong, and would be nice it I were to be. But, again, I don't think it will happen.
     
  17. hope2overcome_

    hope2overcome_ Fapstronaut

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    sten14. It is apparent she likes you. Every emotion you had was probably due to good reason. I am also 100% sure, she has the same emotions towards you as you do her. Perhaps, she is just too passive and shy. There is one more thing you can do and that is be upfront, direct and masculine about going out with her. If that is still a no, then move on. From reading your posts, it seems like you are the super shy, too careful guy who needs her permission to ask her what is her name. Maybe that maybe a factor at play here also.
     
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  18. sten14

    sten14 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the response. I am a pretty shy kind of guy, BUT I have asked her name, and she knows mine, as do all the staff there as she must have told them haha. Anyway, perhaps I could go with that approach, but I kind of feel like I already have with asking her to have coffee. It is a nice thought to think she does like me, but yeah, is really hard to tell. She seems to give off the vibes of such, but the not giving me her number or contacting me kind of makes me think otherwise, ya know.
     
  19. skibum71

    skibum71 Fapstronaut

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    Based on what exactly? OP has given her every opportunity to develop things and she has chosen not to do so.
    Good to hear you seem to have accepted this one is a non starter. Sorry it didnt work out. Good thing you dont have her number and if you start going to a different cafe then its nice and clean. I work with this girl i fell for, she keeps bouncing over to me all smiles telling me all the great things shes doing with her new bf - i wish she would fuck off to be honest.
    Better luck next time mate...
     

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